Having nothing in life

[Cee123]

Hi guys, I just need someone to talk to about how crappy I feel.

I have a massive sense of failure in my life and I feel completely stuck, I have ongoing loneliness, years of unemployment, no friends, no partner, I'm 35 soon and I should be married with kids but I have nothing and I feel like time is running out. I live at home with my parents still. They are my only real source of support. I don't have anybody else. And if I lived alone I would've lost it by now and probably taken my own life. I have depression, social anxiety... I've always been single all my life and I can't find anybody. I haven't worked in over 10 years because at my last job which was a deadend job in housekeeping I was bullied and called a retard and this caused ongoing mental health issues. Just a couple of years ago, I started going to the gym with my cousin. I'm currently still going to the gym and this has lifted my spirits a bit. It took me a long, long time before I could even go into a gym. But now I'm running out of money, and I feel like I won't be able to afford it anymore. I don't know what to do for money. I am painfully shy and awkward to even talk to people much of the time. I have been applying for jobs online and heard absolutely nothing back. I have seriously low self-esteem. I just feel sad. I have a dog who's 16 years old now who I can't even take for walks anymore because she's on her last legs. She's like my child.

I've been to therapists about my depression and they haven't helped. I've also been on medication which has helped a little bit. I went off it for about a year because I didn't like the side effects. Now I feel like I'm going to need it again. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel depressed and lonely all the time, no one talks to me anymore, I don't go anywhere because I have nowhere to go. Even at the gym it feels like I have no association with anyone. I'm posting here, I hope I won't get judged or abused because I've abused on forums before and it's been horrible.

[Cee123]

Well my birthday is coming up in a couple of days. I don't even want to celebrate it. Turning 35 and what do I have to show for it? I don't hear from many people usually anyway. I've reached this age and I think if I dont own a house or have a decent job at this age then what hope is there? I can't find a job anywhere, no one would give me one. I also realize if I'm not a husband or a father then what the hell am I? What value is my life? All my friends are married with kids, all my cousins are married with kids. They're all happy, doing well. While I have nothing. I don't even want to celebrate my birthday when I can't even get out of bed each day or leave the house. These tablets are doing nothing for me. Am I going to be a loser for the rest of my life? That's the way it appears.

The other day I went to the gym with my cousin first time in a while and when we were leaving, he said bye to the staff and they said bye to him. I walked out after him, I said bye to the staff but they said nothing. Just flat out ignored me. And I'm getting fed up with my cousin because every time I go with him he does less and less. I'm trying to lose a bit of weight, and at least put on a bit of muscle but I can't do that with him because he doesn't want to do anything there and doesn't want to stay longer than 10 minutes. And it's giving me a lack of motivation to go. I need a new gym partner that actually wants to work out properly that can motivate me but I have nobody.

But yesterday I went to the gym by myself (I didn't even bother asking him), I stayed 2 hours working out, doing cardio and then weights. I've been putting on weight, haven't been taking care of myself or doing much of anything. But I'm hoping it can lift this depression. I feel old, fat and lethargic. Today I have a killer headache, it's throbbing so bad. I talked to a guy there yesterday who I often see there, seems like a good guy, he said he hasn't seen me there for a while, I said yeah I haven't been coming. I don't know if he saw that I was depressed, he said "it's good to have you back here", "I've been wondering what's happened to you". I am so grateful that someone said that to me. Just those few words meant a lot.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Cee123, 

Happy (upcoming) birthday! We hope that you can celebrate by doing something you enjoy, maybe even a gym session?!

We are really sorry to hear that you are feeling so low at the moment and that you feel like there is nothing happening in your life. It must be incredibly difficult to sit with these thoughts. We think it is a wonderfully brave thing for you to share your story here on the forums, you never know when someone might read it and feel less alone in their experience. Thank you for being so articulate and honest.

Going to the gym and getting some excercise is a wonderful way to make us feel better and it is great that you had someone to chat to last time you were there. We hope you are able to keep going and that you can feel the benefits of excersie each time. 

Please remember that if you are feeling low that you can give us a call on 1300 22 4636 and speak to someone. The team are incredible at supporting people in the moment and at suggesting next steps for finding further support. 

Thanks again for being an important and engaged member of the community. 

Kind regards ,

Sophie M

[Cee123]

My family will probably plan something for my birthday, will probably go out to dinner somewhere or something. Not that I'm thrilled about turning 35.

Thanks, but even if my posts help someone else to feel less alone, it doesn't exactly make me feel any better. I've just continued to feel worse and worse and more empty and alone.

[Cee123]

It's my birthday today... I should be happy but I don't know I feel miserable. I'm trying to fight it. I heard from a couple of people already on Facebook, two of which reminded me that I was getting old. Thanks for reminding me. I couldn't get out of bed this morning, and when I did it was 9 degrees and pouring with rain outside so I was literally freezing. I'm trying to be happy or hopeful, but I'm struggling to feel it.

I definitely don't look 35, I look more like 25. So that's one thing I've got going for me. Actually that's probably the only thing. But anyways. I think I'd rather lie to people and say I'm 25 haha. 😄

All my family are at work so I dont even have them to spend the day with. But we'll see what happens later. Might go out to dinner or something.

[Cee123]

Well I suppose the world goes on. Life definitely doesn't end at 35. Even if I do have nothing, always time to change it I suppose. I've seen some men who get married and have kids later in life. I'll still keep that hope alive.

It could also be worse. I had a friend who died at 29. So, at least I've made it here. There are some people who die very young. Even as children. Those were people who were not blessed to even have a life.

[Guest_1643]

hey cee

when u turned 25, or 26, how did you feel?
youthful and optimistic? i wander if u also felt then that you were old.... i wander if maybe regardless of age or stage u would maybe feel that way due to an internal pain. address the pain, perahsp u won't feel that way. what do u think?

ur a 35 year old young guy who looks 25 and has youth on his side.

Looking 25 means you've had some good rest and nourishment, and had a safe place to live, in my opinion, good genes. i'm ur age but don't look young, i think the stress is visible on me.

U have an amazing situation right now to be in now.
I don't want to see, enjoy this now because one day you'll be 45 - i know that doesn't help, and we can't really live like that, but what I want to say is imagine if you could work on this issue, of being old, and maybe it is more of a feeling and anxiety, than that you arei n fact old in any way whatsover.

i wouldn't want you to get to 40 and feel the same. the perspective here is the thing.

Happy birthday!

[Sophie_M]

Happy Birthday Cee123 !

It sounds like you are having a tough day today and the cold has not helped you out! I hope that when you're family is hope this eveing that you can enjoy a meal with them, that sounds like a lovely birthday treat. 

It can be hard to feel hopeful on these milestone days, if you feel like you are struggling you can always give our team a call on 1300 22 4636. They are wonderful at helping people feel better in the moment and superb at pointing people towards further support. 

We hope you can enjoy a restful day, please feel free to come back and update us here if you feel comfortable. 

Happy Birthday again! Woo!

Kind regards, 
Sophie M