Glass Walls

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi all, 

The old thread was getting a bit long, so I thought time to start a new. 

I thought the same with this weekend - I did my new patterns of blue and purple, wore the beautiful black and gold dress. I went to the convention I normally go to in costume. Just for one day, not in costume. It is the first time since my separation from the ex, whom I went in cosplay with. It is the first time catching up with people who I haven't seen since the break up. 

Or I thought I would.  I went and shopped a very little as I have big bills this week. I took the anti anxiety meds, tried to squash the shakes and  held up the mask for the kids. The feeling wasn't good though. I tried talking to a few friends in the costume community I bumped into but it was like they didn't even know me. They soon made excuses and left. I know its busy, they see lots of people and there are so many crowds, but it felt like they just barely recognised me, and when they did they couldn't wait to leave. 

I looked around, and it felt like I was surrounded by glass walls. Like now that everyone on my friends list knows about my depression, how bad it got, etc they don't want to know me. I asked how they were, I didn't bring it up.

I just feel dejected, and lonely, like I have no friends in the world. Like they don't care. I am irritable and not good around the kids, so I am hiding in my doona listening to a podcast. I'm really alone in this now aren't I? I say I keep going for my cats, for my little Elsa.

I hold on to the thought of watching her grow up, because  I can find no other reasons to stay.

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

I’d like to wish you a Happy New Year to you and I hope like crazy that it will be just that for you – a new year full of happiness.  Maybe full is possibly stretching it all a bit too much, but how about “with scatterings of” – let’s aim for that instead.

Hey, does that sound ok to you?   That where you are currently staying, you are able to stay there for a while longer, yes?   Did I read that correct?   Are you feeling better for staying where you are now?

One last thing, I’d like to congratulate you on going and seeing your family  over christmas time – that would have been a pretty difficult thing for you to do, to summon up the strength to go there and spend time in what could have been a very awkward time for you – so well done to you on that.

Keep fighting the fight and remaining as strong as you can be.

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Yes I can stay here til the end of January. So thats ok, I have some space to breathe. Speaking of breathing, the pain got so bad that I went into hospital. A few days and many tests later, still no clue other than musculoskeletal pain of unknown cause, with unknown end date. I have pain killers for it at least. I am spending the next few days in bed, before I have to run around on monday. My girlfriend tried to kill herself three times in four days, so she is in the mental hospital while they sort her meds out and she gets a rest. I'll visit her next week. We are in contact by text, and I'll stand by her. I love her, and I know that while I can only help to a certain extent with her mental health, the best thing I can offer her right know is a shoulder and stability. We will work through this together. I have also begun the process of meeting with my ex to get his old car off him and am finally feeling comfortable to meet him again. I am also sorting out reenrolling in uni, and looking at rentals that are pet friendly. Regardless of what life throws at me, I will get this sorted. Hope your new year started better than mine. GA

[Neil_1]

Hi there GA

That is a worry about the musculoskeletal pain that you endured recently and worse that they were not able to come up with any proper diagnosis or remedy for it (apart from pain killers), but I guess at least that’s something and they will hopefully keep you on their radar about it.

I’m sorry to hear that your girlfriend attempted to take her life (and not just once) – I hope that she is in a more stable mind-frame at the moment and I think that with the support and love that you will be able to extend to her, hopefully this might just spark a ray of light for her.  I’m really hoping this will be the case and as you say, that you can both work through this troubling time together.

And GA, aside from the crap that’s been thrown at you already this year, it was so awesome to read of the positives at the end of your latest response.   And what an awesome comment – “regardless of what life throws at you, you will get this sorted”.  Your year of 2014 was so terrible, draining and brutal for you and we’ve got to know (and believe) that this year will be a much better one.  You know there’s going to be tough times still ahead, but I hope that after all of what you’ve already been through, that these tough times won’t be as severe for you as they were last year and that you’ll get a more frequent scattering of good times.  That’s the plan;  that’s my hope for you.

You’re strong GA, I know it and I know you can keep fighting.

Neil

[Mares73]

Dear GA I'm sorry I haven't been online for a while so haven't been any support for you. Trying to catch up on your situation-so your in a refuge for 6 weeks? Then how long can you stay at respite? What's the latest news on longer term accommodation? It's terrible you can't see a psych until February when your going through so much. But you amaze me with your strength-your still fighting, you haven't had a complete breakdown & your showings strength & incredible courage despite all the pain your in. I hold you in my thoughts & heart & hope you can respond. Your friend always-Mares xxx

[Girl_Anachronism]

I am in the refuge for the next 4 weeks or so, and they won't kick me out on the street, and are helping to find long term accommodation. One more rejection from a long term housing yesterday. I have reenrolled in uni and am getting that sorted though I'll need substantial financial help for books, and such. I am meeting Centrelink next week about it. There is a good rental I have seen, but I am not sure if I'll be able to afford it, so I have to wait til next week on that too. I have respite booked for the week before uni starts, but can reschedule or cancel if need be. I am doing much better away from my family. I just can think so much clearer. I am on pretty heavy pain killers for my chest and back but functioning. I am seeing my girlfriend tomorrow, after a date today, to sit in on her meeting with the in patient psych team. She is going to be discharged this week, so I'll sleep over the night she does.  My psychiatrist appointment is in february. Psychology, who knows, but my mental health plan has reset so I can get sessions from that.  I am going to ask about physio for my back too, on Thursday.

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

Thanx for the update – you mentioned:  “I just can think so much clearer”.   And you know, as I read your post I agree with you – your writing is giving out positives that you are doing for yourself.   I don’t deny that the process is still extremely tough and hard, but this is you being so strong and fighting and wanting to push yourself towards more positiveness.

You’ve put in place so many mechanisms to help get yourself to a better spot and I believe it’s really showing benefits.

Please keep us updated with how you’re going.

I am still keeping my fingers crossed for you (ps:  do you know how hard it is to type with crossed fingers!!!)

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

This week has been so chaotic.

There is more I could say,but in short,I met with Centrelink and had to run around all week to get help.

I am now registered or the right payment,which will change when semester starts.

I am registered for a bulk payment but that won't come through til 4 weeks after uni starts.

My work provider has gotten me half of my textbooks and I am hoping a subsidy from uni

will get me the other half..

There is also another scholarship with alot more money, but I can't apply til February.

The main problem is my study payment is going to be 100 dollars less.

I am barely scraping by now.

So I am stressed over that, but don't know what else I can do.

I have been house hunting and have an application sent in for house,sharing with my partner.

I still have a few weeks to move out but I know how long it can take to find a place.

The other big news is that my 5 month wait on the Clin Psych waiting list is over,and I met with my psychologist yesterday. .

It was fairly introductory but he seems nice enough.

I still don't have a laptop for uni,but I am seeing if a support program can help me with that. 

Otherwise I don't know.

My back is still a major problem and I am running out of the stronger pain meds but not a lot of doctors will prescribe them. I

hope to get into physio soon. My social worker bought me some more food for this week and stationary for uni. GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

Thank you so much for getting back to us and to let know what's been happening of late.

A lot of running around, that's true;  AND stressful times with regard to money.

But amongst all that, you've really had some nice things happen (that predominately you've had to set up and put into place).  With regard to the 'other scholarship' that has more money, that you can apply for in February;  if that comes through, will that be a huge benefit to you with regard to the stressful money situation?  I'm sorry if that question is naive, as I really don't know much about what that all involves.

With regard to house hunting, even though looking and looking can be a bit emotional and stressful;  it can also be VERY exciting as well;  as you look for YOUR new place and somewhere that you'll be hoping to make your own home with your partner.  That must give you a very good feel inside, yeah?

Again GA, thanx for posting, and please keep in touch. 

Kind regards

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Good things have been happening. We are in final negotiations on a house shared with a friend who has two dogs, a cat and two goldfish. Add my two cats and my partners bird and we have a whole menagerie. We have a huge games room to use as a bedroom combined with lounge room and study. The house is huge and has two kitchens and bathrooms. This friend has suffered mental health problems so she understands. On another note, my back has been flaring up bad. I am organising other pain meds and have gone for a ct scan. Not sure what will come of it but its something. I have had major problems with centrelink but I am getting my social worker to help advocate for that. I am at the end of my tether for dealing with them. So I have caved and asked for help. I don't like having to ask for help, particularly just for making phone calls and getting testimonials for my mental and physical health. But I can't do this alone anymore. I feel like I am being punished for bettering myself. I don't know. But I am facing this with my partner, and we will stand together on this. GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

I can’t remember how long we’ve posted to each other now;  but it’s been a while;   well over a year, if I’m guessing right.   But having said that, I’m never very good with guessing, so am probably wrong.  Where am I going with this?  Damn fine question, and I’m glad you asked.    I’m saying that in all the time we’ve posted, I honestly feel this is the most uplifting and positive that you’ve ever sounded.

And you’ve done it beautifully as well.   In that, you started your post with good things, then in the middle you outlined some of the not so good things happening, and then you finished off with a positive.  I think that is a very healthy sign GA and I hope that you are really feeling as enthusiastic about your future as I am.  I’m sensing something very good is just around the corner for you.  I hope that I’m right.

The new house sounds fantastic – so here’s hoping that the final arrangements go as planned and you’re able to settle into there very soon.   Hope you can keep us updated on this.

That’s been a great idea to get a CT scan for your back – and again, as you’ve said, not sure what will come of it, but it’s something.  Damn right it’s something.  🙂   You’ve gone and sought out some professional help with it – and I hope that they’ll be providing you with adequate pain killers for the time being.  And if something DOES come out of the scan, with all things lining up, there should be some good news as to possible treatments for it as well.

GA, too often we fail to get answers or help, simply because we, as humans, have this adversity for not asking for help.  I don’t know why – I think some people think of it as a weakness;  not me though, I ask all the time, as I’m not overly endowed with actively working ‘grey matter’ and so I need help.   But for you to ask, that is brilliant because you have come to the end of your tether and why do something alone, when you can have access to other people to help.  The more, the merrier, I say.  And let’s face it, this person who is helping you out – um, that’s kind of why they get paid – as it IS their job.  So mega kudos to you GA for seeking help and running with it.  One less stressor for you to have in the memory bank.

Thank you so much again for sharing the latest news and as I mentioned at the start of my post – I truly hope that things do continue on the positive path that you’ve found.

Kind regards

Neil