Glass Walls

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi all, 

The old thread was getting a bit long, so I thought time to start a new. 

I thought the same with this weekend - I did my new patterns of blue and purple, wore the beautiful black and gold dress. I went to the convention I normally go to in costume. Just for one day, not in costume. It is the first time since my separation from the ex, whom I went in cosplay with. It is the first time catching up with people who I haven't seen since the break up. 

Or I thought I would.  I went and shopped a very little as I have big bills this week. I took the anti anxiety meds, tried to squash the shakes and  held up the mask for the kids. The feeling wasn't good though. I tried talking to a few friends in the costume community I bumped into but it was like they didn't even know me. They soon made excuses and left. I know its busy, they see lots of people and there are so many crowds, but it felt like they just barely recognised me, and when they did they couldn't wait to leave. 

I looked around, and it felt like I was surrounded by glass walls. Like now that everyone on my friends list knows about my depression, how bad it got, etc they don't want to know me. I asked how they were, I didn't bring it up.

I just feel dejected, and lonely, like I have no friends in the world. Like they don't care. I am irritable and not good around the kids, so I am hiding in my doona listening to a podcast. I'm really alone in this now aren't I? I say I keep going for my cats, for my little Elsa.

I hold on to the thought of watching her grow up, because  I can find no other reasons to stay.

GA

[Blue_]

Hi GA, 
I'm going through the same thing in a way except instead of the ex it's my father that we were supposed to have in our lives anymore. My Mum broke my trust so I moved out. She tried to make me feel guilty because I couldn't help her pay rent but it's her fault essentially. It's so much better being away from that negativity. My Mum did a similar thing with money too. My Dad gave me 4k and Mum kept it in her bank. I saw about 1k and she spent the rest. That really could've changed my life dramatically I feel but oh well. I'm trying to have the mind set that these bad things happen as tests and if we stay strong and get through it something good will happen cos if we get through the really tough times we can do anything and everythign else will be a breeze. It's really hard though to stay positive or not even positive but strong enough to get through it because sometimes it feels like maybe this is my fate... badness and unhappiness. We didn't deserve any of this and we can't think that we've done something to deserve this but rather to show us how good we are and that we wouldn't do what other would do to us. 
It's so, so, so hard but we have to try a little or all this suffering would have been for nothing. If we keep trying after blow after blow after blow we would have achieved strength and we can use that for the rest of our lives to get through anything and the sooner we tackle the bad things head on and do whatever we can to make whatever it is pass the sooner we'll be able to enjoy the better things. I'm not even convincing myself right now cos I'm feeling down in the dumps but besides my negative mind frame my logic mind frame knows this is true. In the face of our depression be logical, it helps haha. Don't be afraid to ask for help GA. There is always someone willing even if you have to go through 100 rejections first which is the hardest thing but just keep trying, have a break and get back up and do it again until it works. ❤️

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi All,

Just a quick update. I was rejected by the accomodation place because they thought I would do better in a smaller place. They wouldnt tell me anything else. There was only thirty people living there. I could deal fine with that, and any roof is better than mums over christmas. But no. One of the other places I need to be a carer for and there are no other vacancies. So basically nothing and nowhere to live.

I left wednesday from my mums place, became hysterical, upped my meds with the doctor and then had my last appointment til after christmas. I am crashing on my only friends couch until monday, when she has christmas plans. I have nowhere to live after that.

I have my replacement OT, PhaMs worker working on finding something, anything. I am calling crisis care and doing assessments on the phone for places by I don't know where I am going to be Monday night. My friend is risking being evicted as she is not meant to have overnight visitors with her housing plan. 

So yeah. I cant go back to mums. I cannot pretend anymore. I am not sure if I can even see them over christmas. My brother in law has assaulted my sister and nephew aswell, so he is cut from xmas and she is living with my other sister while getting a restraining order.

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

Oh wow - I'm so sorry to hear of your current situation;   is there no option for seeing if the Salvation Army or any Crisis Accommodation Care service is available for you?  I know there are 'homeless' organisations around - I guess it's just a matter of being able to locate them;  and then see if they are available with a vacancy?

I'm guessing it has just got so bad at your Mum's that this is now no longer an option?

I hope your PHaMS person is able to produce something for you on Monday.

Also terrible to hear about what the brother-in-law has done.  Awful awful stuff at any time, but just makes things so much worse, just before Christmas.

I'm thinking of you GA.

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Yes there are homeless accomodation services around. I am in contact with Crisis Care, Homeless Accomodation service and a place called entry point. They have all given my worker or myself places to call everyday to see if anything becomes available. You have to call everyday as vacancies change. I am looking at private rooms to rent on gumtree aswell, but haven't found a place so far. Christmas is a tricky time. GA

[Neil_1]

 Dear GA

I really hope that something can come up for you and SOON.

I have my fingers crossed for you.

Just a thought;  with what occurred about your brother-in-law;   is your sister a chance for you to go and stay with her?   I’m not sure of relationship goings on there;  but just a thought – whether it may be an option or not?

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

I managed to get into a womens refuge and can stay here for six weeks while working on things. The respite care booked in for the second I can't do while I am here, so it is an either or. I really like the respite place and I can talk tothem there, but it would cut this stay short. I guess I am going to see how well it goes here first, and decide later. I can  rebook the respite for a later date, I just dont know if here will be supportive enough on the second yet. 

My sisters are staying with one another, so no there is no room there even if relationships weren't fraying. I will see them over christmas. 

I don't know how to break this all to mum. She doesnt really care, but I dont want to get emotional and hurt her. 

I have also fallen in love with one of my friends from therapy group. She has her own issues and we know each others. We accept each other for our scars, our pain and all. We both agree to take it slow. I smile when I think of her, and heart beat quicker. I know to take it slow, I didn't ask for it to happen now, but it just became something more. She feels the same for me and also wasn't looking for a relationship. It just sort of happened.

I needed to tell someone of this new joy, this little bit of light in my life. My crashing on her couch during the lead up to christmas we have already met each others parents, as far as mums go. 

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

I will bypass most everything else to simply say:  “GA, that is AWESOME with regard to this friend you’ve found.”   Absolutely brilliant – and it’s as the old saying goes isn’t it:  ‘Someone will crop up when you least expect it.’   Oh wow, and that heart beats faster when you not only think of this person, but then when you actually see them as well.  Yes yes, that is one of the most uplifting and powerful feelings in the world, I think.  I’m so incredibly pleased for you about this.   And that you’ve both actually talked about the situation and find it to be the same for you both – oh wow, again I’ll say that’s awesome.

Also very good news to hear that you’ve found some alternate accommodation – which is brilliant news as it gets you away from where you currently are at.  Gives you space and time to think as well.

With regard to your Mum, you’re not sure how to break it all to her?   Then hold off on this and don’t – unless you feel that you really have too.  I mean if her main emotion towards you is one of ‘not caring’, then perhaps the less news back to her might be the way to go at this current time.

Anyway GA, I do wish you a really lovely and hope you can have as happy a Christmas as possible.

Kind regards

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

I told my family that I got accepted into a mental health program,  and got lucky to get in, which is why I didnt tell them earlier. I havent told her how much she hurt me, nor that I am not going to be living there after.

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

Merry Christmas.  🙂

That's great that you've been able to tell the fam about the program - and with regard to your Mum - well, you're in the driving seat on that;   meaning, I think you're doing the right thing.  Just take things, one issue at a time otherwise it might become too overwhelming. 

Deal with one thing and get that to be at an ok state and then perhaps move onto the next one.

No overloading for you at this time - but hey, that's just my thoughts.

Cheers

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Christmas happened. I did see my family, but it went as well as I expected. All happy perfect smiles and not asking the hard questions. The only questions asked about my moving out was if i was going to pay mum to take care of my cats. Other then that, rebooked respite for later so I can stay here for a month or so. I am still welcome to come down on the second, just for the day. I have had a flare of my chronic back/rib pain which I havent had since october last year. My gp and I  are investigating, and I have anti-inflammatories in the mean time. I just hope it doesn't lead to hospital admissions where they still don't have a clue. I seeing my blood test results friday. GA