Glass Walls

Girl_Anachronism · ‎21-06-2014

Hi all,

The old thread was getting a bit long, so I thought time to start a new.

I thought the same with this weekend - I did my new patterns of blue and purple, wore the beautiful black and gold dress. I went to the convention I normally go to in costume. Just for one day, not in costume. It is the first time since my separation from the ex, whom I went in cosplay with. It is the first time catching up with people who I haven't seen since the break up.

Or I thought I would. I went and shopped a very little as I have big bills this week. I took the anti anxiety meds, tried to squash the shakes and held up the mask for the kids. The feeling wasn't good though. I tried talking to a few friends in the costume community I bumped into but it was like they didn't even know me. They soon made excuses and left. I know its busy, they see lots of people and there are so many crowds, but it felt like they just barely recognised me, and when they did they couldn't wait to leave.

I looked around, and it felt like I was surrounded by glass walls. Like now that everyone on my friends list knows about my depression, how bad it got, etc they don't want to know me. I asked how they were, I didn't bring it up.

I just feel dejected, and lonely, like I have no friends in the world. Like they don't care. I am irritable and not good around the kids, so I am hiding in my doona listening to a podcast. I'm really alone in this now aren't I? I say I keep going for my cats, for my little Elsa.

I hold on to the thought of watching her grow up, because I can find no other reasons to stay.

GA

Girl_Anachronism · ‎03-12-2014

Hi all,I just wanted to update you quickly. I got a call yesterday from the respite centre and I arrived today, to stay for a week. Met the part time PhaMs worker yesterday . GA

Neil_1 · ‎04-12-2014

Dear GA

This is good news. 🙂

Rest up in this coming week - be pampered, as much as you can be, I guess - and take very good care of yourself; as I know the staff will do also.

I hope that the part-time PHaMS worker was very nice.

Take in all the mechanisms and helping systems that they will provide you.

Talk again,

Neil

Mares73 · ‎06-12-2014

Dear GA my friend this respite for a week is great-thank the heavens it's finally happening! I hope during your stay you'll also have the opportunity to discuss possible ongoing forms of other support & assistance with accommodation. I think of you everyday. I felt so helpless when nothing seemed to be going your way. I hope you can update us on what supports the respite workers can assist with. Your in my thoughts. Big hugs X Mares

Blue_ · ‎07-12-2014

Hi GA, no idea what respite.. something something is. I'll Google it. I hope you're well wherever you are and it's so lovely that you made a friend. It's good having someone that knows what you're going through because you can also use each other to feel more positive because you want to help the other person. Let me know how it goes, I made so many great friends that, even though seemed well off, had been through hell and came out on top and at first it got to me but being around them inspired me to cut out the world and just think of exactly what I want and now it's slowly starting to feel like I'm getting stronger and becoming that dream person. Not finding the one but being the one and looking after me and not relying on people but remembering people do care and want to help you. Sometimes you have to just stop listening to yourself and.. not necessarily believe but pretending to believe in what people say about you. That's my trick, faking it.

Be good love ❤️

Girl_Anachronism · ‎07-12-2014

Hi all, it is the sort of place I needed, with some of the benefits hospital had, but with none of the negatives. I going to ask if I can stay another week. I am more Independent here, washing my own clothes and cooking my own meals. No constant checks and daily obs, with still staff here 24 7 to talk to. Things this week havent been great, as I received an email from the ex about christmas and more family secrets. It knocked me for six for the past few days and still is. I drafted an email response and am going to go over it with one the workers here tomorrow. I am also going to work on the conversation I have to have with my mother about these secrets. I would like to stay here longer as I need the time to work through that, given my emotional swings. It would also help to have a place to stay here, in case mum needs a few days after the conversation. The grief hits me harder here because it finally has space to, as well as recent communications . GA

Neil_1 · ‎08-12-2014

Hi GA

Have they accepted you for another week yet?? Or is that too soon to ask?

Wow, this ex of yours is just a real bright light in your life – NOT !! Just brilliant for him to stop by with an email to divulge things that he would more than likely know would upset you. Why couldn’t he just have kept it too himself? Or at the very least, told you months and months ago – that way it would have been dealt with in the past by you and you could have continued on, trying to move forward on this already rocky trek. Now with whatever was the base of that email, he’s doing his best to put you back another of steps in your recuperation process.

Do you think he’s doing it out of spite? Do you really need to broach the subject with your mother??

Is it something that needs to be addressed or do you think you could bury it and say, “What’s past is passed and you could try to move on?” That’s probably too much of an ask at this time.

Neil

Girl_Anachronism · ‎10-12-2014

Just lost an entire post so I'll try this again. Yes I can stay here til monday, and I received a call yesterday saying I have an interview with one of the supported accomodation places. I dont dare hope, but it would really help over christmas to live somewhere else. This week has already really helped. I have replied to his email, after running it past a worker here and his reply was friendly. He agreed to stop sending money to my mother. I do need tohave a conversation with her. I have let it fester for too long. I might also need to say that I am moving to other accomodation, so I have work to do over the next few days. GA

Blue_ · ‎10-12-2014

Sounds like good and bad things are happening for you GA. In a way it's great where you are and that you are actually feeling these emotions so they can pass through you. Embrace the pain and know that you don't have to think of the past anymore because what's done is done and you're not with your partner anymore which always means you have someone else that is better to find 🙂 That's how I always see it, he was just a practice. This place sounds great where you're staying and I hope you're enjoying the somewhat comfort. I'm sorry that you're going through this but at least you know you have somewhere to go to. Don't ever feel trapped or lost in a place you don't feel comfortable GA because we're so lucky here in Australia and there's so much to offer for people in need if you're willing to look for it.

Eat well, sleep well and try see the positives in the worst situation. We get handed these bad things so we can tackle it head on and prove to ourselves how strong we are. You can get through anything dear. Also let me know how the RYLA thing went. I think it could possibly be really good for you, an opportunity to meet new people and learn some important life lessons ❤️

Girl_Anachronism · ‎16-12-2014

Hi All,

Well I am back at Mums place for a little while. I will book into the respite centre for early january, when the wedding anniversary would have been. Its a tough time of year for me.

The interview went well. They are going to call me Wednesday to let me know if I am accepted in the accomodation. I am told they have really good programs and it a 12 month thing so it is some form of stability. Unfortunately I will have to change catchment areas again, but my supports are going to try to get me at the top of the list in the new area, so this 4 month wait wasn't worth nothing. I don't know how much I can trust in that. I know how bad I will feel if it will be another 4 months just because I moved a few suburbs.

It will be worth the move though, because I made so much progress with the two weeks away from my family and reconciled with the angry part of my grief over the relationship break up. I am still prettytorn up over it and my mood swings of late have been much worse than usual. There were days when I could not stop crying uncontrollably. I am taking my meds to help but I still feel so terrible.

I can't get an appointment with a psychiatrist until February, so I'll have to talk to the medical officer on duty again and see if they can up my antidepressants or give me a stronger as required medication, to stabilise the extreme mood swings. Thats the plan for Thursday anyway.

I have only been here less than 24 hours and I already feel worse being here. I haven't felt this self destructive in two weeks. I need to get out of this house. I really want that accomodation to come through, changes and all because there is just no way I can live here. Particularly with extra stressors over christmas.

I partially had the discussion I needed to with mum last night. I confirmed with her that she had been recieving money from the ex, that it had stopped. She vaguely confirmed that she had spoken with him on the phone last week. I told her that I don't care whether they meet for christmas or such, I just wasn't going to be present. I asked where the money had been going and she had vague answers- bills, dresses she bought me. It doesn't seem to add up though, and I can't get a straight answer from her. She wouldn't even tell me how much was left. I asked for some to buy xmas presents, 200 dollars and she said she would give it to me Wednesday.

To be continued.

GA

Girl_Anachronism · ‎16-12-2014

Part 2

Then she said I could pay her back. Excuse me? Pay you back the money you should not have been receiving and should have told me about. Money which was for me? I have lost all respect for her. She just doesn't understand and I don't know how to talk to her to get my point across. She doesn't talk about anything real, its all superficial and she brushes the rest under the rug.

I didn't tell her how much the secrets hurt, or that she had broken her promise. After her responses to just the practical things, I was going to lose it if I did.

This is why I can't live here. This is why I can't have a relationship with her. If she isn't willing to change, to truly listen to what I am saying and not sweep things away, then how can I? I can't even explain this to her.

24 hours out of respite and I already feel so bad. I hate my family. I hate christmas. I hate having to see these people. I want a relationship with them. I want a mother who cares, who hugs me and listens and says everything will be ok. I want a mother who loves me. Is that too much to ask? Or can she just not give me that, ever? Am I that unlovable? What did I do to deserve this?

GA