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Glass Walls
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Hi all,
The old thread was getting a bit long, so I thought time to start a new.
I thought the same with this weekend - I did my new patterns of blue and purple, wore the beautiful black and gold dress. I went to the convention I normally go to in costume. Just for one day, not in costume. It is the first time since my separation from the ex, whom I went in cosplay with. It is the first time catching up with people who I haven't seen since the break up.
Or I thought I would. I went and shopped a very little as I have big bills this week. I took the anti anxiety meds, tried to squash the shakes and held up the mask for the kids. The feeling wasn't good though. I tried talking to a few friends in the costume community I bumped into but it was like they didn't even know me. They soon made excuses and left. I know its busy, they see lots of people and there are so many crowds, but it felt like they just barely recognised me, and when they did they couldn't wait to leave.
I looked around, and it felt like I was surrounded by glass walls. Like now that everyone on my friends list knows about my depression, how bad it got, etc they don't want to know me. I asked how they were, I didn't bring it up.
I just feel dejected, and lonely, like I have no friends in the world. Like they don't care. I am irritable and not good around the kids, so I am hiding in my doona listening to a podcast. I'm really alone in this now aren't I? I say I keep going for my cats, for my little Elsa.
I hold on to the thought of watching her grow up, because I can find no other reasons to stay.
GA
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Hi GA, it sounds like you're in a bit of struggle at the moment...hopefully things pick up for you soon..there is plenty of support here for u..I'm one of many people who will support u through the tough times!!
Keep strong,
Danny
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I do not think it was their fault. Why would they want to be friends with a screw up like me? There were a few others who I tried to catch eye contact with, but after the earlier conversations I was unable to motivate me myself to try and talk to them. I was so scared of being rejected again, I just couldn't make myself go forward and try.
So its my fault, really. I'm just too weak to knock these glass wallls down. I just curl up and cry behind them.
GA
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Hey GA, you're no screw up!!! I bet there is plenty of nice things about u...chin up mate, lets work through this!!
Danny
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Hi Danny,
I am a screw up. I had two really good friends even after the separation. Now I have one. After an incident, detailed in my previois thread, in which one of my friends friends was being an obnoxious drunk. I was perfectly sober but had pushed myself to go out because it was my friends husbands birthday. I shouldn't have. It as pre latest medication, and I lost my temper and attacked the friends friend. No damage done what so ever physically.
I shouldn't have done it. I am not that kind of person. But I did it. And after one questioning text asking why, my friend has not texted me back nor called or messaged on fb or anything. I should habe seen her at the convention today, but missed them.
So I just removed her, and a bunch of friends from that community off my fb. Gone. It hurts to let them go, but the person they knew is gone. That person has been replaced by a person I don't like, I can't respect and I don't even know.
Work through it? I have tried to work through it. I just ended up screwing up more than before. This is just a case in point. I am still trying to work through it, for my cats. But I am so tired. I just want to curl up and cry.
It was my decisions that brought me here. It was my fault.
GA
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Hi GA, honestly mate, I'm tipping there's been millions of episodes in the world where an obnoxious drunks have been verbally or physically attacked..don't feel bad about that..it's just natural instinct...many drunks are simply repulsive & abusive & deserve a clip around the ears!! If they were real friends they would of seen how this drunk was behaving and stuck up for u? Stuff em I reckon!! Back yourself & don't let anyone put u down!!
Danny
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Hi GA,
I've been reading your posts for the last few hours and from the way you write and what you write about I can tell you are an intelligent, decent kind person who has been dealt some crappy life cards- thru absolutely no fault of your own. I felt compelled to open an account to let you know that even thru somewhat hazy veil of the internet you come across as the kind of person the world needs more of.
From your last post I just wanted to give you some unsolicited advice from someone on your side.Your friend texted you but you didn't text back. Is that right? If so you need to get in touch with them before just cutting them off. If they have been good friends in the recent past you need to give them another chance after explaining why/how you feel about the 'incident'. Good friends are hard to cultivate. Even if the person they knew is gone she will be back and maybe you should give them a chance to support you atm....That's how it looks from here anyhow.
Although how useful my opinion is I'm not sure 'cos I have systematically lost contact with all my female friends after their lack of support of me and my own shame and low self esteem etc.
My partner has just walked in to tell me that they've done studies proving that dogs and babies are capable of loving their parent/owner but not cats! I told him to tell that to my beautiful little GG that wants to be near me all the time including on the toilet and if i'm lying face down she'll come and sleep on my back. Pats to your two.
I hope that the fact that a complete stranger, especially one with a screen name Apathia ie apathetic, has made you feel fractionally better. I can see you're a cool interesting person from 6000km away! Damn dysfunctional brain chemistry- who needs it!
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Hi Danny,
No they didn't stick up for me. In fact her husband, who was also drunk, as it was his birthday, eventually joined in on some teasing in the car before the incident. But there are so few people in the world that get me. Losing her hurt, hurt bad.
Hi Apathia,
I am honoured that I could inspire someone to join up here. Welcome to the site regardless. I don't know what you see in me. I don't see it. I just see a mess who has just torn up everyone elses life in the process.
I did text her back, I explained that I lost control, that I didn't know what happened. That I understood if she never want to speak to me again. She just texted back that she wasn't sure how to react. She hasn't contacted me since and it has been a few weeks.
What would I say to her? I already apologised. I already said the truth, that I didn't know what happened to me. I have nothing else to say. Why would she continue to be a friend to a crazy thing like me?
GA
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Dear GA
You don't want to break down the glass walls. That would be bad. You could really damage YOU - and no, don't say, that would be a good thing. It won't. You need to slowly walk around the edge of the walls & to find the door. There WILL be a door. We need to get you out of there.
That's another beautiful photo of little Elsa. You've inspired me - & so I've got an update photo - is in the system - it's our "Jack" - our so so special puppy - who's 9yo. 🙂
May I ask what the Convention was about?? Sounds like a dressy-up kind of thing - is it something to do with Lord of the Rings? Star Wars? Kids animation movies?
GA, I'm standing up now (damn hard to do while I'm typing - you should try it sometime), standing and applauding you. Why? Because YOU went to the Convention. You could simply have chosen to stay away - you knew there were going to be lots of people there, but you dug deep and you went. Hang on, I'm not finished yet.
And while there YOU sought out people you knew; ok ok, some of the interactions didn't sound as positive as what you may have thought they were; BUT in our mind-sets, we also see or think things that are a lot of the times simply not true or are a twist on how things really are. I know I see some people and I'll comment to someone else, "Did you see the look that person just gave? You know, as in really bad". But when things boiled down to it, it wasn't like that at all. I was just overly sensitive and thought I saw something that wasn't there.
Perhaps, and I'm not saying it wasn't like this, but perhaps, due to your fragile condition at the moment, you "may" have perceived things to be worse than what they really were. Just a thought.
But you have gotta be proud of yourself for going along GA. That's a massively good thing for you.
None of this is your fault - EVER. You also are NOT a screw-up. You're a good person GA, you're one helluva intelligent & incredibly gifted lady, who just happens to suffering a horrible mental illness and on top of that is dealing with an unreasonable ex to help make you feel worse than you should be at this time.
You are in a very low valley at the moment, you think this is where you're going to stay - but it's not going to be always like this. Be proud of yourself for what you did - getting dressed, going to the convention and trying to participate. Use that as a positive experience.
Kind regards
Neil
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Hi Neil,
Yes I went. It was a gift borne of my last friends kindness. it was meant to be fun. Instead it just made me feel more out of place, more alone. It used more of her money. I feel terrible. I should not have gone.
I couldn't even approach alot of them to say hi, couldn't get the courage to even meet their eyes. I wanted so desperately to talk to them and at the same time I wanted them to not see me, I wanted just to disappear.
Yes I went. I should not have gone. It just made everything worse. I just made everything worse.
The kids are running wild as my last friend is very sick with a flu. I should help. I should do something to help. I just can't get out of bed. I can't see people today.
GA