Glass Walls

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi all, 

The old thread was getting a bit long, so I thought time to start a new. 

I thought the same with this weekend - I did my new patterns of blue and purple, wore the beautiful black and gold dress. I went to the convention I normally go to in costume. Just for one day, not in costume. It is the first time since my separation from the ex, whom I went in cosplay with. It is the first time catching up with people who I haven't seen since the break up. 

Or I thought I would.  I went and shopped a very little as I have big bills this week. I took the anti anxiety meds, tried to squash the shakes and  held up the mask for the kids. The feeling wasn't good though. I tried talking to a few friends in the costume community I bumped into but it was like they didn't even know me. They soon made excuses and left. I know its busy, they see lots of people and there are so many crowds, but it felt like they just barely recognised me, and when they did they couldn't wait to leave. 

I looked around, and it felt like I was surrounded by glass walls. Like now that everyone on my friends list knows about my depression, how bad it got, etc they don't want to know me. I asked how they were, I didn't bring it up.

I just feel dejected, and lonely, like I have no friends in the world. Like they don't care. I am irritable and not good around the kids, so I am hiding in my doona listening to a podcast. I'm really alone in this now aren't I? I say I keep going for my cats, for my little Elsa.

I hold on to the thought of watching her grow up, because  I can find no other reasons to stay.

GA

[--Danny--]

GA, don't worry about them...these "friends" seem fake anyway!! Who doesn't have time to say hello to a friend when they see them?? Delete them & move on... I don't reckon these sorts of people are worth getting upset over though...don't waste your energy on them..use your energy for positive & meaningful things! 

Danny

[Girl_Anachronism]

How do you move on? Is there a way to make the pain stop?

I'm sick of this pain, sick of feeling this, sick of having to wake up and fight this. 

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be on here tonight. Maybe I shouldn't be anywhere.

GA

[vip]

Hello Girl A you said it love facebook sucks facebook is crap the sooner that thing is turned off for good the better . I was on it and honestly people are intrigued  and follow you around on it if they know you are depressed they are not friends thay are stalkers and cowards . Delete them and make new friends there are plenty of lovely people out there and we are all gorgeous on this forum . Ive closed my facebook down and I couldn't be happier maybe something you may have to do also ok .Don't waste any time with these so called aquaintances they have so many issues in their lives that they don't sought and think they can bully someone else down when they know we have mental illness stand strong head up high you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of ok . take care xx

[Jo3]

Hey GA

I am hearing you and I totally get you and how you are feeling.

Pls stay with us,

Sending you a big warm hug

Jo xx

[--Danny--]

Hi GA, just really keep postive...block out the duds in your life...& don't put up with peoples crap they try serve up to! Your a winner, & good people will realize this & will want to befriend u!! Keep in touch with me anytime...I'm here to help u!

Danny

[Mares73]

My dear GA I can sense you are in deep despair in a very dark place right now. I wish I was there to take care of you whilst you are in so much pain. Although you can't see or feel it-all the beautiful parts of you are still there but sadly overtaken right now by deep depression & anxiety. I feel helpless as I don't feel there's  anything I can say or suggest that's going to make you feel better. I will really think about it & get bk to you. You have been in my thoughts so much & I send all my love & hugs. I'll try think of other practical advice. Do you think you could make it to see the GP that was nice? X xx Mares

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Vip, 

I see facebook as a tool, and the only people I have left on there are my family, both here and overseas, and the people I am living with. I don't go on much anyway - about ten minutes in the morning and more to check the latest news on tv shows, or games, etc. So I won't shut mine down but I am not going to be using it very much. 

It is still useful for keeping in touch with family overseas. Even if all I do is like the occasional photo of them with their new bub or some such. 

You say make new friends. I don't know how I got these ones. How do I just go out make new friends? I can't leave the house without anxiety shakes. I don't have a partner to force me to go to social events anymore.

Danny -

They are gone now. It was so easy to let them go, but now I sit here all alone. How do you learn to be lonely? If I could just be positive I would.

Mares- 

I have a follow up appointment on thursday.  It was booked last week, before this happened. So I guess I'll go to that. Just another appointment, right.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

I'm sorry.

You are all here trying to help, saying nice things and I am so grateful that anyone is responding at all. That anyone cares. 

More than that, I wish I could see the things you see, beleive what you are saying. I feel terrible for shooting down all your compliments and suggestions. I don't feel like a good person. 

You are all trying so hard, to help me see the light and I just can't get these dark thoughts from my eyes. 

You deserve so much more from me. 

GA

[Neil_1]

 Dear Girl_Anachronism

Wrong!   We don’t deserve more from you.    YOU deserve more in your life.  End of story.

New subject.

Neil

Ps:   ok ok, you’re going to ask how?   How can I get more in my life OR why do I deserve this?   

The answer to the latter – just re-read all the wonderful posts above.  

 The answer to the former – I think we’ve touched on this before.  You’re in a hellish awful place right now – and has been that way for some time.  If you sit down, the view, the mood, nothing will change. 

You’ve GOT to keep going. 

Don’t look at it too far down the track (a good friend told me that recently – thank you Maresy) – just look, if need be a couple of hours ahead.  

Small tiny steps GA – no long range projections at this point.  We just need to take care of the little things. 

And by doing this, believe it or not, you ARE moving – don’t sit down.

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

Ok. Small things. Tiny things.

I fed the cats. I replaced the cat litter. Those are small things I have done.

I have to reschedule my dentist appointment, so that could be another small thing I do today.

I haven't eaten yet today, but maybe I could try stomach a cup of tea. Or at least absorb the warmth from the cup as it is really cold here in Perth.

GA