Glass Walls

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi all, 

The old thread was getting a bit long, so I thought time to start a new. 

I thought the same with this weekend - I did my new patterns of blue and purple, wore the beautiful black and gold dress. I went to the convention I normally go to in costume. Just for one day, not in costume. It is the first time since my separation from the ex, whom I went in cosplay with. It is the first time catching up with people who I haven't seen since the break up. 

Or I thought I would.  I went and shopped a very little as I have big bills this week. I took the anti anxiety meds, tried to squash the shakes and  held up the mask for the kids. The feeling wasn't good though. I tried talking to a few friends in the costume community I bumped into but it was like they didn't even know me. They soon made excuses and left. I know its busy, they see lots of people and there are so many crowds, but it felt like they just barely recognised me, and when they did they couldn't wait to leave. 

I looked around, and it felt like I was surrounded by glass walls. Like now that everyone on my friends list knows about my depression, how bad it got, etc they don't want to know me. I asked how they were, I didn't bring it up.

I just feel dejected, and lonely, like I have no friends in the world. Like they don't care. I am irritable and not good around the kids, so I am hiding in my doona listening to a podcast. I'm really alone in this now aren't I? I say I keep going for my cats, for my little Elsa.

I hold on to the thought of watching her grow up, because  I can find no other reasons to stay.

GA

[In_need_of]

Hi GA, i can feel where you are coming from. All I can off you is that you are not alone. Best wishes.

[Neil_1]

GA

The kids are young.  They are simply having a good time.  They've got energy to burn and they're just using it up - they'll have downtime at some stage.  But as long as they're not playing with matches or knives (which I'm sure they're not), let them be kids and all will be fine.

You need your own rest - especially after yesterday.  But please please dear lady, please don't beat yourself up anymore about the Convention.   Please sit back (or lie back - if you're in bed) and THINK of the positives.   Where have you been mostly over the last week (in bed, yeah) - what have you had on lately (jarmies, yeah) - how much have you wanted social contact lately (none).

So what happened yesterday, while you think it has made your situation worse, I totally disagree with you.  And if you're the other way, then that's fine.

But you got up, you got dressed into that beautiful black and gold dress and then went to the Convention.  Not sure if you received a lift to get there;  whether you drove or whether you public transported it - but with any of those, you still had to get out and deal with traffic and the public.  A1 JOB GA - mega mega kudos to you.

May I ask, with "any" of the people who you saw there yesterday - do you have "any" of their emails?   I'm just asking because "maybe" later today, you might just feel like perhaps drafting up a short, simple email to one of them (or two, if you feel ok to do so).  Just to say, "Hey, I saw you yesterday at the Convention.  Didn't get a chance to have a catch up - but am just wondering how you're going and what did you think of it this year?"

I don't know, just something simple like that?   You never know, it might (I'm not saying it will, but it might) just spark up a small email conversation that you might be able to build on?  I mean, these are your friends too, aren't they?

Please think about it GA?

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi In need of, 

Thankyou. Just...thankyou.

Neil- I forgot to say, the convention was general pop culture. So star wars, star trek, lord of the rings, anime, disney movies, western cartoons, games, comics, everything geeky.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

I don't have emails. I havent used them for anything but internet shopping in a long time. Even if I did, it seems like too much effort right now.

I saw them as friends. They probably saw me as an annoyance. A crazy person who can't have a good time. They are gone now, off my fb which was the main way I contacted them, even if all I did was like a post and receive no likes on my statuses. Lingo you wouldn't understand, I know. Know that though there are messaging capabilities, I don't really use them and instead hover on the fringe. 

I feel like I should help because this is all in my head. A physical illness seems somehow worse or more legitimate. I know it is stigma, and I am  perpetuating it, but it is how I feel. I feel worse that I am in bed with monsters in my head and she is having to get out of bed when she can barely speak. When it is her salary that supports them, supports me mostly. 

I just feel terrible today, and don't know how to fix it.

GA

[Mares73]

My treasured friend GA, you are incapable of being the terrible person whose ruined others lives as you have described yourself. Whilst you can't see it-the courage, strength, insight & fighting spirit you have is incredible. Remember Geoff & Neil say if your going through hell keep on going? Well you are going through he'll YET you still managed to do your new patterns, get dressed up in your beautiful black & gold dress AND you attended the convention. That shows incredible strength & is truly an amazing achievement given how your feeling. Re friends you are very fragile at the moment & any true friends will come back to you-they may just have felt unable to have a real conversation with you at the convention. And to be realistic-its rare to find one true friend in this world so you'll find out who that person or persons are over time. You are so down on yourself, it saddens me so much the self criticism-almost self hate that you are experiencing. I so wish I was with you to make you cups of tea & look after you. You are such a truly beautiful, kind, Incredibly intelligent & courageous friend. You have faced &  continue to experience such a traumatic period of time in your life. You are dealing with it with such courageous & strength. Yes of course you are hurting deeply, you are so fragile, you feel grief & loss & uncertainty & fear. That's all completely understandable. But it worries me the depth of self loathing you seem to have, you are so critical of yourself & so vulnerable. You are internalizing the grief & pain & then also externalities your pain by blaming & hurting yourself. I worry you may be self harming again. GA please turn to us, please go bk & have a chat & review with the nice GP.  You are on my mind everyday-my hearts with you in spirit. Try trust me? You will get through this traumatic time. You will rebuild a life-a life that you get to choose what to do & what you like without being criticized or having to accommodate other needs & wants above your own. You are an inspiration to me.I've seen how you've taken action in the hope of a better life. And that's making me think that I too somehow need to take action to have hope for a better life. The pain for you is so great now that it's allconsuming. But I believe in you so much GA-ahead of you is a new life &you will look back & be glad you took hold of ur life, you will feel free & experience happy times that right now you can't possibly imagine. My love is with you X Mares

[--Danny--]

Hi GA, don't feel bad, by the sounds of it, u should of thrown a drink over there heads & stormed out!! No one should put up with that crap!! They sound like a bunch of immature school kids who haven't grown up!! Personally, I'm proud of the way u handled the situation...I would of deleted anyone from Facebook who participated in the teasing...the way they treated u is a form of bullying....I'd rather be mates with a bunch of crocodiles than them bunch of flogs who treated u this way!! Who do these people think they are??

Not happy,

Danny

[Girl_Anachronism]

I don't have anything to say. But I am still here listening.

[--Danny--]

GA, u don't need mates like that!! Bullies do this stuff to people all the time...there is usually a small crowd of them...one ringleader who starts the mouthing off & the rest start chipping in..making cruel comments...each person trying to "beat" the last persons cruel comments..it's like a funny game to them all...except for the poor person copping the insults & weird looks....it isn't paranoid thinking GA, this is how cruel some people can be!

Danny

[Girl_Anachronism]

I felt your reply deserved more than I gave it, Mares. So I'll try. I don't think I'll do it justice. How could a thing like me do that? I'm not good for anything. 

I know it was a convention,  but they still could have done more. A couple friends I removed because of the incident a couple weeks ago. Others, a much larger number I removed because it was like shedding an old skin. It hurt. But they couldn't even stop and talk to me, some of them and the rest got lumped in with the first lot.

Gone now anyway. It hurts so much right now Mares. I wish you were here with me. I haven't eaten all day, but I could at least absorb the warmth from the cups of tea. I have had so few friends in my life that I just can't trust I'll find more people that are on my wavelength and care enough to try. I'm an oddity,  an abomination. I am just beyond the reach of most people. 

Then I go and screw thi gs up, like a few weeks ago. I don't know what I am doing here, Mares. I don't know what I am building but doesn't feel good. It just feels like a mess. I want to smash it to the ground. I want to destroy it all. 

Yes I hate myself. As for your other concerns...i have been. I don't how else to be.

I don't feel like I am seeing things through a grey veil. I am seeing the truth now, that these friends weren't friends. I lie here, naked to their barbs, their taunts, or worse their cold shoulders. They probably won't even notice me gone off their friends list.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Danny, 

But I thought they were friends. I was bullied in high school, I havea good sense of people. I can spot that sort of person, or so I thought. Thefactthat these were my friends, that they were allowed in behind my walls, and they used that access to hurt me. Alcohol or no, I made the wrong choice of people. 

Maybe they never liked me in the first place. Maybe he always thought that. Maybe they saw the real me, and I am the one who is deluded here.

GA