Fragmented

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

Today I need to get some feedback from the community. This is a pretty heavy conversation so I hope it doesn't trigger anyone. Most days I am stable with my depression but I feel I am just going through the motions a lot of the time. I still can't seem to manage the day to day stuff and I don't seem to care. I have been isolating for many years so when covid hit, it didn't change anything for me personally. I am more comfortable with animals than humans, that is not because I am anti social, I just think I have been hurt too often by humans.

I feel like with every loss, every betrayal, every negative experience, I lost a piece of myself and now there are so many pieces missing that I sometimes wonder if the little that is left is worth the effort. Can anyone relate to this feeling?

I have always been a sensitive creative person and sang for most of my life along with crafts, making jewellery, in fact I have tried my hand at a great many creative things. But I lost interest in all the things that used to light me up when I went into a state of chronic depression about 12 years ago and haven't been able to get the spark back. I miss that person but I don't know how to find her. All feedback will be greatly appreciated.

indigo22

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray,

I am so happy to hear that your trip did you some good, sometimes a change of scenery is enough to give us the lift in spirit that we need.

I have been a bit distracted this past week. My cat is nearly 15 years old and has not been very well. She has some bronchial inflammation and the antibiotics the vet gave me have not done much so have been trying to find something natural to help her get better. Got some advice from a naturopath and ordered some products that should help. The only option from the vet is steroids, which I don't want to go with unless all else fails.

Hope you have had a good week,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Indigo,

 I hope you get some success with the products from the naturopath. I’ve had conditions myself where steroids were prescribed but not the right answer at least in my case. I’ve found an excellent naturopath who treats the cause not the symptoms and they do often have a much more integrated perspective of the whole body. So I hope that your cat gets benefit and is doing better soon. I know it’s a worry at times with pets.

 I hope you are doing ok too. Sending kind thoughts and wishes.

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi indigo 22, 

I hope your cat gets better soon. Sending lots of healing vibes to you and your cat xx

dig

[indigo22]

Thanks Eagle Ray,

I have seen a few naturopaths over the years, prefer them because as you said, they treat the cause.

I found a site in QLD called Greenpet that is run by an animal naturopath and got some advice from her on which products would be best for my girl. Once they arrive the fun part will be getting them into her, cats are notoriously difficult when it comes to taking their medicine 😾 and run a mile when they know what's coming. She will hate me for a while, but that's ok so long as she gets better, she is usually very forgiving.

I'm doing ok, just want her to be well again.

indigo

[indigo22]

Thank you dig,

I am sure you know what I was talking about with giving cat's their medicine, at least she is not a biter or scratcher🙂

indigo

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi indigo, 

I haven't had these cats for very long so I haven't had to give them any medicine (yet). But, I did have to squirt some worm stuff onto their back and they didn't like that!! They hardly knew me then and it would have been very frightening for them I imagine. That's good she's not a biter or a scratcher. I don't think my cats are either, thank goodness  🙂 

dig

[indigo22]

Eagle Ray (& dig)

I have been reading some of the posts in your thread regarding fear of people. I never had children, but reading the posts from both of you have brought the nurturer in me to the surface. There are tears in my eyes as I write this and I wish I could take each of you under each wing and show you what it feels like to feel safe and cared for. The damage that humans do to each other still astounds me. I hope both of you are one day able to be free of the fear that grips you in your worst moments.

Sending you both warm, loving and healing hugs.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Indigo,

Thank you so much. I’m just seeing your message now. Yes bad stuff happened but I really am moving towards recovery. I also just feel compassion for my parents now. There were good things they did and much good in them. They were just traumatised people. I honestly didn’t think of my childhood as having trauma for years. I think you think it’s kind of normal but then it eventually catches up with you. And I know people have been through worse things. I know that deep down my Mum did actually want to nurture me but it was just really, really hard for her to do that. And my Dad later mellowed when I was in my 20s and did show some nurturance.

I know you have had challenging times too so also sending you a kind, loving hug too. Thank you for being so kind. I’m talking about things on this forum I don’t usually talk about with people (except my psychologist) and hope I’m not upsetting people with stressful details. I hope I can convey there is hope because I’ve done a lot of healing already and I know I’m continuing to move in a healing direction. Sending you much hope and healing too.

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Indigo22, 

Thank you for your message. I appreciate the cyber hug 🙂  

I just want to share with you that I have a beautiful partner now, who wraps me up in his arms and holds me when I am crying. He is very caring and very stable which is just what I need right now. I feel loved and held. Interestingly, he came into my life just after the major breakdown I experienced that brought up all the c-PTSD. It was as if 'the universe' knew I was going to need him. And, it marked the end of repeating re-traumatising (relationship) patterns. It's a healthy, loving and nourishing relationship. And fun!  

I also have a beautiful female friend who is older than me by quite a few years. She is very nurturing and loving. She has also experienced multiple traumas and has moved through them after many years of repeating the re-traumatising patterns. She has a deep connection to spirituality which has helped her move through it. And she was so excited the other day when I told her I'd been reading about somatic experiencing. She can guide me a bit through the healing journey and she said that now I have made the link between trauma and the biological/physiological response I will start to move through it too. It's a bit like having a mentor, friend and mother wrapped up in one.

Thank goodness for these special people in my life. It is helping to recalibrate by brain, to learn what it feels like to be loved and cared for. It's all part of the healing journey.  

Take Care, 

dig 

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Eagle Ray (and Indigo), 

Yes, Eagle Ray, you do convey hope. I for one, am very appreciative of your posts. Your discussion thread on fear of people has helped me to open up about my experiences. I can tell that you have done a lot of healing and you are moving towards more healing. Your story gives me hope, and a bit of a road map, through all of this messy mess. I have come a long way just in a few weeks since connecting on this forum.  Thank you. 

dig