Fragmented

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

Today I need to get some feedback from the community. This is a pretty heavy conversation so I hope it doesn't trigger anyone. Most days I am stable with my depression but I feel I am just going through the motions a lot of the time. I still can't seem to manage the day to day stuff and I don't seem to care. I have been isolating for many years so when covid hit, it didn't change anything for me personally. I am more comfortable with animals than humans, that is not because I am anti social, I just think I have been hurt too often by humans.

I feel like with every loss, every betrayal, every negative experience, I lost a piece of myself and now there are so many pieces missing that I sometimes wonder if the little that is left is worth the effort. Can anyone relate to this feeling?

I have always been a sensitive creative person and sang for most of my life along with crafts, making jewellery, in fact I have tried my hand at a great many creative things. But I lost interest in all the things that used to light me up when I went into a state of chronic depression about 12 years ago and haven't been able to get the spark back. I miss that person but I don't know how to find her. All feedback will be greatly appreciated.

indigo22

[mmMekitty]

Hi Indigo22

I'm glad you have reached out to the community here today. I've had years, too, when I felt like I was nothing, like nothing was left of me after many times of being hurt, feeling precisely as if a little of me was killed each time.... I still do not socialise much. I have no close friends, & lose track of the casual friends easily.

I had taken to using my creativity to express myself, with the idea that no-one had to see what I'd written or painted. I didn't even have to look at it after I'd done it. I felt, since what I'd experienced really didn't matter to anyone else, it didn't matter to me - at least that's what I told myself, so it didn't feel so bad.

I spent many years drifting, sort of existing rather than living & making decisions for myself, thinking anything about what I want or need, getting into horrible relationships, & having to get out of them again.

Long time, & years later, I can say it does get better. Not being religious, I still need to say, it takes a little leap of faith, trusting someone to listen to you, & for you to talk openly to them about how you are thinking & feeling, seriously thinking about & answering their questions seriously & taking their suggestions equally as seriously.

If you don't have a therapist you feel you can trust enough, just enough for now, then it may be time to find one.

Sometimes all you need to do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. When you can't manage on your own, leaning on us is okay, too. That's what we're here for.

If you'd rather, the BB Counsellors are on Ph: 1300 224 636, or use the link to Chat Online at the bottom of the page.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[indigo22]

Thanks mmMekitty,

I did have many years of counselling so I don't think that is what I need. I managed to put a lot into perspective over the years, but living in a version of 'groundhog day' and waiting to get that spark of life back is growing tiresome. I know what to say to others but when it comes to helping myself, I seem to lose the plot.

[therising]

Hi indigo22

I'm not sure it if will be of any help but, with a number of depressing periods for me, I eventually found over time it wasn't so much about trying to regain a sense of happiness or some sense of peace, it more so became about bringing some new part of me to life or some pre-existing part of me back to life in new ways. When such parts come to life, the result is typically an emotionally positive one. Should add that the lead up in such a process can at times be challenging, stressful and/or depressing in some ways. Can be far from easy to do, give birth to or resuscitate parts of our self or lay parts of who we were to rest. It can prove to be exhausting work.

To name a few examples, I think a sense of happiness and peace can be found in playing it safe but only up to the point where safe playing works. When it no longer works, when it's not enough anymore (to satisfy), 'The risk taker' in us may be the part that longs to help us reconnect with happiness, excitement, satisfaction etc. Maybe there's a part of us that longs to wonder in far greater ways than what we're used to. 'The wonderer' in us may wonder what creative thing it is that we can do next. Instead of going out to buy a new set of brushes, a canvas, beads or something else, perhaps wondering what it may be like to redecorate or create a whole new look for the entire house could be the call (next level creativity we can be proud of and excited by). While 'The people pleaser' in us may no longer fulfill us when it comes to maintaining a sense of peace, perhaps it's because 'The rebel' in us or some intolerant sense of self is just screaming 'ENOUGH OF TRYING TO PLEASE AND NOT ROCK THE BOAT! DEMAND MORE PEOPLE PUT THE EFFORT INTO PLEASING YOU!'.

I think being sensitive presents challenges when we can sense some need to be met. If you can't pinpoint the need, it can feel frustrating and depressing. Can feel like a kind of limbo or nothingness between who we were and who we're going to be. A feeling I also find difficult to manage comes with the comment 'You should be grateful for what you have'. I feel that as 'You should be happy to settle for what you have'. While I am grateful for the luxuries I am truly blessed to have, I cannot settle within a depressing need for change, a depressing lack of something, which can be so deeply felt at times. I've found solid guidance, support and inspiration to be key when there is a part of me that needs to come to life beyond what I'm grateful for. So so soooo much easier when someone tells you what that deep soulful sense of longing is actually about. I think my current longing is for a serious sense of excitement, something I haven't felt for some time. I long to feel life run through me. I can feel 'The excitement seeker' champing at the bit to come to life 🙂

[mmMekitty]

Indigo22, I'm sorry I didn't understand you have already been in counselling & are not interested in that now.

How true it seems to me, that it is so much easier to see how we might help or give to others than it is to do likewise for ourselves. Most strikingly how I could see how someone else's relationship was unhealthy, but it took me, at least six months, & many years in a couple instances, to see that I needed to leave the relationships I was in. Rather like not being able to accept how smelly my cigarette smoke was to others until I quit smoking - now I am so sensitive to it I can't tolerate being around people who smoke.

So, I'm trying to be more sensitive to what is in my own best interest & what is not. It's not always so easy to do when other people's needs are of interest to me, too.

Even in our misery we can find a sort of comfort - it's what we know & trying something else feels risky, maybe even frightening. I struggle with that.

I'm facing the idea of having to change how I live day to day, with needing more support workers around me, maybe even living with someone, who would support me. It feels very daunting, because I have had a strong sense of my home (this small unit), as being my safe place, where I am in control & doing what I want when I want. Now, if a place can be found for me, I will have to have more workers to do things, such as helping with cooking, more house work help, some personal care, helping me keep track of appointments & getting me to them, my 'paperwork', too.... i am struggling to do these things on my own, so must consider even bigger changes than I have already accepted. 

I doubt I could have faced these decisions I've had to make without help & support to.

I suppose, making small changes, like I did when looking at my eating habits, is a way to begin. The small changes can lead to larger changes, & having something to strive for & achieve could also help.

Maybe my thoughts are useful, or  not. I hope they are, if not for you, than to someone else reading.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi indigo22, 

Yes, I can relate to being sensitive and creative. It's hard living in a busy modern world when one is sensitive and creative! For me, I seem to easily absorb the energy around me and it can feel heavy and exhausting sometimes, and to regulate myself I have to pull back and spend time with myself, nature, my cats, play soothing music, breathe, meditate etc. Just being in the world takes it's toll.

I can relate to the groundhog feeling too, going through the motions. I have had many bouts of depression over the years. I'm struggling with a really bad patch at the moment too. I find chores and day to day things very hard. And the creative spark isn't always there. I don't play guitar as much as I used to and when I sit down to write a story it doesn't seem to be as enjoyable as it used to be. Sometimes it feels like I am just biding my time, twiddling my thumbs waiting until I get better... 

For me, I try to find joy in paying attention to really small things. Like a bird perched on a branch swaying in the breeze. Or sipping my favourite tea, or a beach walk and feeling the ocean swirl around my feet, or watching my cats playing. I try and pick something different each day so it doesn't all feel the same. One day I might go for a walk in nature. Another day I might read a book and drink cups of tea all day. Another day I might do some mindfulness colouring in. I don't know if that helps at all but it could be worth a try.

With household stuff, I try to do just one thing around the house, such as putting the dishwasher on. And then doing something else that's more enjoyable. So it's not just chores all day. And then I might come back to it later and unpack the dishwasher. Or sweep the floor. And that's enough for one day. Just a little bit at a time. That's where I am at right now. I also try and get things done when I am feeling a little bit better. For example, when I cook, I cook extra and put it in the freezer. Then, when I am feeling really low and I don't have the energy to cook, I can just take a meal out of the freezer and heat it up. I'm not sure if those sorts of things would be helpful for you because it sounds like the low is really low and for such a long time.  

About 18 months ago I was so low that I could not even manage that. So I reached out to friends and asked for help. One friend came round and stacked the dishwasher for me and folded my clothes. I almost cried with relief and gratitude as I watched her slowly and lovingly folding my clothes for me! Another friend cooked food for me. Another friend let me curl up on her couch and she made me cups of tea. Another friend came round and scooped the leaves out of the pool. Etc. It was hard at first to reach out. But gosh, I was soooooo grateful for their help. Do you have anyone that you could reach out to for help? Or even access a domestic help service and pay for someone to come round and help?       

And I can relate to being hurt so many times by humans that it hardly feels worth it to continue. For example, sometimes I think I will never be able to go back to work again, and relate to people, because I simply cannot risk being hurt and triggered again. It's a tricky one. At the moment, I am seeing a psychologist who I have known for a long time and I feel safe and comfortable with her. I have a very caring and understanding GP and a few other supports and some close friends. I just interact with those few people who I trust. Anything beyond that is just too much. I don't know what advice I would give you for that one. But I think chatting on this forum more could be helpful. I have just started interacting on the forums. I find it helpful to see what other people are going through. I actually felt a spring in my step reading about other people's struggles. It helped me to realise that I am not alone in this.

All the best and take care, 

DIG (divine inner goddess)   

[indigo22]

Thank you everyone for your very thoughtful responses,

I joined the forums at the end of May this year because I am now in my 60s and have a lot of life experience and want to use that experience to help others who are in crisis.

I want to give you a bit of background so you know where I am coming from. I have been dealing with dysthymia and major depression since about the age of 12 and I didn't get any help when I was young. I was in a state of crisis in my early 40s when I reached out to a social worker who gently helped me come to the understanding that I had been dealing with depression all that time, I had no idea, I thought I was just born that way. Always feeling like I don't fit in. In fact many times I have said I feel like someone dropped me off on the wrong planet😀

I grew up in a dysfunctional family which brought on the dysthymia, then I lost my brother (my familial soul mate) when I was 14. I didn't get any help with the grieving process and developed major depression as a result. I didn't have any idea how to accept the loss and acted out in ways that were out of character, but the family just saw me as a teenager being irresponsible so I left home when I was 16. That year that he passed, I had tried to concentrate at school but had a difficult time, then I got my grade from my English teacher. She had given me an 'F', when I went to her to ask why she had given me such a low grade, she said "because you have just been feeling sorry for yourself all year". Back then there were no discussions on mental illness, you were just expected to 'tough it out'. I had met the man I eventually married when I was 15 and we lived together for many years, but as I have talked about in a response to another member, the relationship was another thing that pushed me deeper into depression. We separated when I was 24 and I tried talking to my parents about the fact that I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up but got no help then either. So I have pretty much been toughing out everything since I was a kid. After my marriage ended, a close friend passed from a rare disease, my closest female friend I had known since I was 12 also passed in a sudden way. Then my father was diagnosed with cancer and had a couple of mini strokes, he needed full time care from my mother and I did as much as I could to help taking him to all his appointments and various other things whilst working full time and singing in a band a couple of nights a week. My crisis came after we had to put him into a nursing home, I was not coping any longer and spent the next few years with the social worker. Then mum was diagnosed with cancer 3 years after dad passed, she had major surgery and I became her full time carer. Then my eldest brother was diagnosed with cancer, so I was supporting him at the same time as caring for my mother. He passed 5 months after his diagnosis and my mother passed 10 weeks later. That's when the major depression became chronic with ideation for a number of years after. I am on DSP because I become overwhelmed very easily and can't function if there is any stress, I just shut down. I eventually moved 360km away to put it all behind me and a year later, I was diagnosed with cancer. I was in a new place where I knew no one besides my neighbors and had to tough it out by myself. I am cancer free now but don't have any friends here because I have been isolating. I just want to find that sensitive creative person that I know still exists but is trapped in the fallout and debris of the past.

Thank you all again,

indigo22

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi again Indigo22, 

Thank you for sharing a bit more of your story. Wow, that is a lot of loss and grief in your life. No wonder the depression has become so chronic. It's like the losses keep piling up. And you have been toughing it out for so long. I hope this forum helps you to feel some connection and feel less isolated. You don't have to go through this on your own. 

Go easy on yourself,

divine inner goddess 

[Julietta44]

I’m so happy u have friends around to support u and help u I have been through hell the last year but unfortunately I don’t have many friends so had no support no one to help me so did it myself it’s hard to find friends these days though 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Indigo22,

You have been through so much over a long period of time. I think what can happen is that you can kind of become stuck/frozen so that the creative part of you has become dormant. I feel this is what happened to me. I had once loved playing my guitar, singing and writing my own songs. Then 13 years ago after another traumatic thing in my life that part of me seemed to totally die and remained that way until recently. I just didn’t even pick up my guitar anymore and felt nothing for it. I turned to photography which I’d loved as a teenager but then after more stress and trauma in recent years that seemed to die a kind of death too.

However, this year that creative, inspired part of my spirit is returning. The songwriting impulse came back after a session with my psychologist. For the first time in my life I allowed myself to break down in the presence of another. I’ve always been strong for others while saying I’m fine if anyone inquires about me. But it became apparent in this session with my psych I was completely cracking from this lifelong pattern. She is so attuned and present with me and asked what I was feeling in my body and what I felt I needed to do. I just put my head down and cried. The dam broke and I allowed myself to be vulnerable with this safe other person. The result was I wrote my first song in 13 years very quickly after that. That same day I also had all these healing visions come to me to do with people and experiences from my life. It was a profound turning point. It sounds so simple but it was what brought something in my spirit back to life.

So sometimes a part of us that has kind of frozen, which is a natural response to trauma and overwhelm, needs to unfreeze and let go. To let go has been key for me. I had to stop striving so hard to do everything right and make others happy, which is part of my complex trauma issue. Somehow this has opened my creative spirit again. I’m also following my intuition. So it said to me, go on a road trip with your camera. So I’m doing that now and loving it. I’m breaking out of the stuckness. Each new day is an adventure and my health, which was really struggling, is improving too.

Sorry for the long message. It’s hard to explain in words how things have shifted. I think working with a compassionate, attuned psychologist over the past year has really helped as she co-regulates with me, what was absent from my childhood. I’m wondering if some kind of co-regulation would work for you. It doesn’t have to be a psych. But sometimes we need other humans (or animals!) to actually break out of the stuck place. I better stop as going to hit max word count. Just some thoughts from my experience in case they are helpful.