Fragmented

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

Today I need to get some feedback from the community. This is a pretty heavy conversation so I hope it doesn't trigger anyone. Most days I am stable with my depression but I feel I am just going through the motions a lot of the time. I still can't seem to manage the day to day stuff and I don't seem to care. I have been isolating for many years so when covid hit, it didn't change anything for me personally. I am more comfortable with animals than humans, that is not because I am anti social, I just think I have been hurt too often by humans.

I feel like with every loss, every betrayal, every negative experience, I lost a piece of myself and now there are so many pieces missing that I sometimes wonder if the little that is left is worth the effort. Can anyone relate to this feeling?

I have always been a sensitive creative person and sang for most of my life along with crafts, making jewellery, in fact I have tried my hand at a great many creative things. But I lost interest in all the things that used to light me up when I went into a state of chronic depression about 12 years ago and haven't been able to get the spark back. I miss that person but I don't know how to find her. All feedback will be greatly appreciated.

indigo22

[David35]

Animals don't judge people. They give unconditional love. People on the other hand, have this bad habit of stereotyping others, or categorising them. Sometimes the closest people can hurt the most because they know the most about us.

[David35]

You've had an incredible amount of loss in your life,  and at such a young age too. My therapist has been telling me lately that I've been experiencing trauma due to certain situations. I'm no psychologist, but it sounds like you've spent a lot of time looking after others. Sometimes it's easy to lose sight of what you need. I've found that just with mums cancer treatment. Who cares for the carer? Well the simple answer is usually no one. I don't mean to sound abrupt, but it sounds like you just need time to heal.

[indigo22]

Thank you David,

It's so nice to hear from you, I have been wondering how you managed the anniversary, are you ok?

Also have been wondering how things are between you and your mum, have things improved a little?

You are right about losing sight of yourself when looking after others, you become so focused on their needs and you get lower on the list of priorities as time goes on. Reversing that mindset becomes more difficult after it is no longer necessary. I feel like I am just stuck in the program and my system needs a reboot. I know I will eventually find a way to get on top of this, the forums are helping me a lot with the input of others like yourself who know what is like to experience the fallout. Keep in touch David and let me know how you are.

Thank you again,

indigo

[David35]

Sad, miss him but funnily enough my chemist went to the local air force museum around this time and suggested I should go. So I did, for an hour. My dad used to work on 3 of the aircraft there as either ground crew or flight crew. I've never been therefore, never even seen a Canberra bomber or Caribou up close. It made me feel close to him. He was a loadmaster on the Caribous before I was around. You could walk up inside the fuselage and have a look so it gave me an idea of what he used to do for a living. Had a chat to the guys there too. Was real soul food. 

Mum is okay. Chemo in a few days but as long as I keep her supplied with books.

I'm sorry I don't have any answers. To me depression has always been about knowing what i DON'T want to do, but not quite knowing what I DO want to do. It's finding that thing that reignites that spark in your mind that is the hard part.

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi indigo, 

Yes, I have lots of support around me from several practitioners and also just a few close friends and family.

Thank you for asking though. I think it is so important to have help and support. I don't think we are supposed to go through tough times all by ourselves. I am finding the forum helpful too, as you mentioned in another of your posts. 

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi indigo, 

Thanks for the book suggestion, I will check it out. I have a few health conditions which when I google, they are all trauma-related conditions and I'm sure related to autoimmune diseases. 

Thanks Eagle Ray for the YouTube suggestion too. I can see that both of you are reading and learning lots about trauma. It inspired me! I dusted off my old book, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk. I started reading it years ago but discarded it as too 'academic'. Now, reading it as a tool to help me understand myself, it's a different read. I'm flying through it! And, today I started listening to an audio series by Peter Levine on Healing Trauma - Restoring the Wisdom of your Body. It reminded me of you actually, indigo. Peter talks a lot about the disassociated and fragmented parts of self that have been torn off by trauma. And the healing process is about bringing back those pieces, to re-associate those parts of self - shamans call it 'soul retrieval'. Bringing those exiled parts home, to reconnect with the body. It has really helpful, practical exercises that he takes you through.   

I'll have to go back to your other messages to see what the other books were that you both mentioned. Thank you for the pointers. It has helped a lot. It's actually given me a roadmap for recovery and healing: Read books or listen to audio to learn about trauma/the brain etc. And then apply to my own life and implement the learning.      

Happy Reading, 

dig

[indigo22]

Hi David,

What a lovely way to honour your dad and feel close to him. I have no doubt he was there with you, that was an intuitive healing experience for you.

I was not aware that your mum still needs to have chemo, is that just precautionary?

Have you managed to get her out again since we last talked about things? I was thinking if you have a beach within reasonable driving distance, perhaps a walk on the beach would do you both some good. If not, perhaps some sandwiches by a lake where you could feed the ducks. Even a walk through botanical gardens if there is one nearby. Something that will get you both out in nature for a couple of hours without any triggers.

Yes, I agree, that spark is definitely an illusive one.

Take care,

indigo

[indigo22]

Hi dig,

So glad to hear you are feeling inspired and finding a way forward. You just were not ready for that book the first time, that has happened to me over the years as well. Thank you for the info on the Peter Levine Audio, when I have finished the one I have got, I may look at getting that one as well.

Colin Tipping has books on forgiveness if that is something you feel might help, I have not read his work as yet but have heard and read good feedback about his books. I'm not quite ready for that yet.

From a spiritual perspective, Robert Schwartz is an author both yourself and Eagle Ray may be interested in checking out, I have all 3 of his books on audio, also have an book by Christian Sundberg called A Walk in the Physical which may be of interest.

Enjoy your books,

indigo

[David35]

Just maintenance. They do it for 12 months, once per month after treatment. I just get books for her. Getting her out is virtually impossible. As long as she's got a good book to read, she's happy. Yeah finding that something that makes you forget track of time is a hard one. It's easier to do when you're young. Not so easy as you get older and life's circumstances get on top of you.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Indigo, Dig and David,

Indigo and Dig it’s nice we are connecting with the same sorts of things. I’ll have a look at those other authors you mention Indigo. It all sounds interesting and helpful. I understand about needing to be ready for forgiveness. There are certain people I’m still challenged by in that regard. I think it’s a gradual thing and that’s ok.

David, I hope you can find something that really absorbs you and does allow you to lose track of time. I think you’re right, that as we get older we can lose connection with that. But I do think we can find it again. It’s like reconnecting with wonder through a child’s eyes - how they sense the world and have that enthusiastic engagement with what’s around them. I think new experiences can help. They can take us out of our everyday routine. I found taking myself on a holiday really helped and I’m already planning another trip away. I came back with a whole different perspective and more energised, able to complete tasks I couldn’t before I left. I really liked how you went to the airforce museum. It was a great way to connect with your Dad. My Dad wanted to be in the airforce but his Dad wouldn’t sign the papers as he’d lost one son in war already and must have been worried about my Dad I guess.   I remember vaguely going to an airforce museum as a child which would have been linked to my Dad’s interest.