Fragmented

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

Today I need to get some feedback from the community. This is a pretty heavy conversation so I hope it doesn't trigger anyone. Most days I am stable with my depression but I feel I am just going through the motions a lot of the time. I still can't seem to manage the day to day stuff and I don't seem to care. I have been isolating for many years so when covid hit, it didn't change anything for me personally. I am more comfortable with animals than humans, that is not because I am anti social, I just think I have been hurt too often by humans.

I feel like with every loss, every betrayal, every negative experience, I lost a piece of myself and now there are so many pieces missing that I sometimes wonder if the little that is left is worth the effort. Can anyone relate to this feeling?

I have always been a sensitive creative person and sang for most of my life along with crafts, making jewellery, in fact I have tried my hand at a great many creative things. But I lost interest in all the things that used to light me up when I went into a state of chronic depression about 12 years ago and haven't been able to get the spark back. I miss that person but I don't know how to find her. All feedback will be greatly appreciated.

indigo22

[therising]

Hi indigo22

So much overwhelming heartache in your life. In my mind, you appear as an incredible battle scarred warrior who is so exhausted. While you've look around in every battle, waiting for someone to come help you fight through an onslaught of grief, I wish with all my heart more people had shown up to give you both support and a sense of relief. It is just so unfair.

While expressing heartfelt compassion and battle strategies, I hope Eagle Ray lights the way forward through inspiration when it comes to the path you long to be on. I think sometimes the greatest leaders in our life, the ones who light the way, are the ones who can relate to how impossibly hard and dark the path can become. They're the kinds of people who take our hand on the path while saying, in one way or another, 'I got you'.

❤️

[indigo22]

Hi mmMekitty,

Thank you again for your replies, there are pieces in all the replies that have given me some things to mull over.

I wish I could see myself clearly, but as you said, we can see what is going on with others but takes us longer to see what is going on with ourselves. I would be great if we could learn how to be the observer of ourselves sometimes.

I'm sorry to hear that you may be losing your independence and your safe space in the near future, that must be a difficult reality to come to terms with and yes, we do get trapped in our comfort zones when life has been rough, making it difficult to take a brave step forward. We will all be here to support you through that move when the time comes. In the meantime, I hope you stay well.

indigo

[indigo22]

Hi dig,

Thank you for your responses, I saw a lot of myself in your first reply. I also cook extra, usually enough for 3 days so I don't have to cook every day. I decided to go vegan when covid hit and had to learn some new techniques with how to make certain things but in the first year of being vegan I lost 10kgs which was a big bonus, unfortunately, it didn't give me more energy which I was hoping would also be a bonus. I have not eaten out since, mainly because the town I am in is pretty small with few options for vegan food, so I just make everything myself including coconut yoghurt, bread and healthy snacks. My next attempt will be tofu.

I have to do the same as you with the housework, just try to get a job, any job done each day, sometimes it works out that way but other times I am too fatigued and say to hell with it😏

I am more down in winter with all the grey, so holding out for spring and summer when I find I always feel better and this year I will force myself to get out more.

I hope your rough patch doesn't last too long, but you can talk with me about it anytime you feel the need. Thanks again,

indigo

[indigo22]

Hi Julietta44,

I am sorry to hear you have been going through a difficult time without any support. You do have support here on the forums if you feel you can talk about it. I looked to see if I could find any of your past posts but didn't find any. It is hard to find friends, particularly ones that are there for you when you need them but while you are looking for them, there is a large community to support you.

Take care,

indigo22

[indigo22]

Hi therising,

Thank you for your replies, I can tell you are also a soul searcher. I have become more spiritual and philosophical as a result of my experiences, but sometimes it seems like I can't see the forest for the trees (or the fog😉). I have read a few of your posts in the past few weeks and I know you struggle with the lack of energy too. I think at times that is the most debilitating thing of all, but a lack of joy comes a close second. Battle scared is an accurate description but I am determined to heal those scars one way or another. Doing a lot of reading at the moment to help me find some answers and you have all given me some things to think about so thank you again.

indigo

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray,

It seems we have more in common than we might have thought. Thank you for your reply and I am so glad you have had a break through recently with your psych and got some of your spark back. Writing a song after so long and taking a road trip with your camera must feel a bit like coming home to yourself again. I hope you continue to feel better both mentally and physically from here on.

I understand what you meant about that part being stuck, I have been feeling stuck for quite some time but I'm a not sure what will break the ice for me. I am planning to see a local spiritual counsellor/healer as soon as I can scrape the cash together, I have a feeling she will be the one to help me break through the emotions that are trapped. I recognised your references to polyvagal theory, I have just started reading Deb Dana's Anchored at the moment and I think that will be of help too. My darling cat snuggles up with me at night and when we are settled I have been doing the deep breath with the slow release to put me in a good place for sleep. I don't have anyone I can co-regulate with right now but who knows what the future will bring.

Posting on the forums has given me the ability to tap into parts of myself that would not otherwise show themselves which is also helpful. I am in the process at the moment of applying to become a champ so we'll see how that goes. I hope you are enjoying your road trip and thank you again.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo22,

Yes, I really understand about not having a person to co-regulate with. I had done a lot of reading on polyvagal theory and the somatic experiencing method (which in part employs polyvagal theory). Both made complete sense to me and I knew I needed someone to work with who uses those approaches. Co-regulation was necessary for my nervous system to break out of its trauma response. I tried a few people before I found a psychologist who was the right fit. I think that is essential for that kind of work to be successful. At the end of the first session my current psychologist sent me a Michael Leunig poem from my favourite book of his, The Curly Pyjama Letters. She also just let me tell my story in the first session and really listened. These were good signs to me that things were going to work. I was used to previous psychs interrupting and telling me what to do/think before they’d made any kind of connection with me or grasped my experience. In my second session with her we cleared a recent trauma I’d been stuck in for a year and a half. In one hour, using somatic experiencing, it was resolved. We have dealt with multiple things now and it’s the deepest childhood stuff that is the most challenging to shift, but bit by bit I’m improving. My psych is of similar mind/heart/spirit and I think that’s important if you are a sensitive soul.

 I think a spiritual counsellor can work really well. A few years ago I saw one at the recommendation of a friend. She was a Christian spiritual director and I’m not a Christian, but she was happy to see me. Her approach was co-regulation-oriented and quite meditative, even though I’m not sure she was familiar with polyvagal theory. Co-regulation is really just compassionate attunement and presence with another. So anyone with those attributes can do it. I can tell you are a really compassionate, caring person yourself and so finding someone similar who resonates with you would be ideal. The spiritual director I saw was very reasonably priced too, so hopefully you might find someone affordable for you. I just saw the spiritual director about 3 times before moving out of the city.

 I am so glad you have your cat. They are fantastic for co-regulating with. I feel with your sensitivity and insights you are well-placed to go on a successful healing journey. Even though you have been through so much, I can tell you have spirit which although may feel stuck at the moment can definitely be revived and come back to life. I’ve found it’s a bit of an up and down journey, but the ups are definitely happening and I’ve overcome a lot of hurdles (still working on the remaining ones!). I haven’t read Deb Dana’s Anchored but it looks very helpful.

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray,

Your psych sounds like your ideal match for the work you are doing and I am so happy to hear about the good progress you are making with her. I am not sure why they aren't all attuned to their patients, but I guess it depends a lot on the motives and temperament of the psych.

The spiritual counsellor/healer I have been in contact with is not connected to any religion or church. I believe the spiritual aspect has more to do with her being in tune with spirit and she has a number of healing tools that she uses depending on what she feels is best for the patient. I know that Somatic is one of her tools along with Reiki and a few others she mentioned that I have since forgotten. I have Peter Levine's In an Unspoken Voice that is on my agenda next so I have a bit more of an understanding of the somatic method before I see her. I have purchased a long list of books that are awaiting my attention including Bessell Van Der Kolk, Gabor Mate, Joe Dispenza and many other authors, just trying to work my way through them. This path is appropriate for me as I am a healer also and have some psychic abilities that are also dormant at the moment. I am attuned to Reiki level 2 and have knowledge of colour therapy, chakras, sound therapy etc. but as I said, I lost interest in everything so trying to heal myself at this point would not work. I got a good feeling from her when we talked on the phone so I am fairly confident that she will be able help me. My Social Worker helped a lot with the mental side but I think now it's more the physical/emotional side I need to address. I hope you are right, that this healing journey will work out for me, don't mind a few ups and downs, when you are always down, the ups are a welcome relief. Keep in touch and let me know how you are progressing and thank you again for your kind words of support.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Wow, Indigo, you are reading the same things as me. I have books by Peter Levine, Bessell Van Der Kolk and Gabor Mate. I haven't read Joe Dispenza's books but have watched some of his stuff online. If you are spiritually oriented you might also be interested in The Fellowship of the River by Joseph Tafur, especially if you have health issues that are linked with trauma. He looks at spiritual healing in the context of what he calls the emotional body, which I think will make a lot of sense to you based on your healing background. I found his book was extremely relevant to me. I also have Stephen Porges Polyvagal Theory which is pretty dense but I understand some of it. Deb Dana's book on the topic I imagine is less technical and more therapeutically geared to individuals working on their healing.

It's great you have a good feeling from the spiritual counsellor. I agree that there is a certain amount you can do mentally but it doesn't reach all parts of the self. I find I even have to let go of the mental side and just feel/intuit to understand myself and know what to do. I am also spiritually oriented without being religious or having a particular faith. The most accurate thing I can say is nature is my church.

All the very best,

ER

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi indigo22, 

Ha. I definitely know that feeling when the fatigue is too much. I am here in my home right now looking at the dishes piling up, clothes lying around everywhere, an unmade bed, something probably needs cleaning but I don't know what it is... etc and I don't have the energy to do anything. I have run out of my pre-cooked meals and I don't know what I'm going to eat for dinner! I have been really struggling with fatigue lately. I'm not sure how much of it is depression, PTSD, or something physical like glandular fever or chronic fatigue. I find it very difficult to tease apart physical and emotional symptoms. Fatigue really is very debilitating. 

You mentioned in one of your posts that you don't have a person to co-regulate with. But, you mentioned that your cat snuggles up with you in bed. Cats are awesome for co-regulation. There's been studies done on the healing benefits of cats. Apparently their purr is at a healing frequency for humans. What I do is slowly pat my cats which helps me self-soothe. Then my cats start purring as they regulate. And then their purring helps me to relax more and get a nice 'sound healing' if they are sitting on top of me or nestled up against a part of my body. One of my cats lay on my chest/heart the other night and was purring so loud it sounded like a motorbike revving in my bedroom. I could feel the vibrations seeping into my body. So healing. Maybe your cat can be your co-regulation partner until you find a suitable human! I think Eagle Ray mentioned cats too, for regulating. 

Thanks for your offer for me to share about my rough patch. I will do, in little bits.  Actually, it's more like a rough life, than a rough patch. Dysfunctional 'family' and trauma upon trauma all through my childhood and adult life. Depression from probably as early as you, around 10 or so, but not officially diagnosed until recently, along with C-PTSD. I have been so 'strong' and just toughed it out, my whole life . And then about 18 months ago I experienced another trauma, a terrible trigger, and that was the catalyst for a breakdown. So I guess the 'rough patch' has been since then. Very up and down. I have been on a healing journey for a really long time, but this is taking it to the next level! Thanks for listening. 

How is your spiritual counsellor going? 

Take care, 

dig