Fragmented

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

Today I need to get some feedback from the community. This is a pretty heavy conversation so I hope it doesn't trigger anyone. Most days I am stable with my depression but I feel I am just going through the motions a lot of the time. I still can't seem to manage the day to day stuff and I don't seem to care. I have been isolating for many years so when covid hit, it didn't change anything for me personally. I am more comfortable with animals than humans, that is not because I am anti social, I just think I have been hurt too often by humans.

I feel like with every loss, every betrayal, every negative experience, I lost a piece of myself and now there are so many pieces missing that I sometimes wonder if the little that is left is worth the effort. Can anyone relate to this feeling?

I have always been a sensitive creative person and sang for most of my life along with crafts, making jewellery, in fact I have tried my hand at a great many creative things. But I lost interest in all the things that used to light me up when I went into a state of chronic depression about 12 years ago and haven't been able to get the spark back. I miss that person but I don't know how to find her. All feedback will be greatly appreciated.

indigo22

[indigo22]

Hi dig,

I can relate, my house in is a similar state at present. I end the day thinking, tomorrow I want to get this or that done, then tomorrow comes and I am just as stuffed as I was the day before. It is an endless loop!

I have a couple of really easy meals I make when I have run out of most things. I always have some frozen veg like cauliflower rice, peas, etc. I cook them in some water and add some spices and when they are done I add some instant polenta and some soy milk and that fills me up and only takes 15 mins. Just a suggestions for a quick fix when you need one. (PS. couscous works too)

I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of your background and that we had some similarities. I hope you will take me up on being a sounding board for you when you need one. Are you getting any counselling help at the moment? Or any other type of help with managing your mental health?

I have not started with the spiritual counsellor as yet, I am gradually getting the funds together, hopefully in about a month. In the meantime, doing lots of reading. I am the type of person who needs to research illness in order to have a better understanding of it and there is so much information available these days.

I will be here for you anytime you need me,

indigo

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray,

How funny that we are reading the same authors, but then again, they are some of the best in field of mental health.

Yeah, I skipped Stephen Porges and went with Deb Dana. His work is heavy reading for the lay person and it would have done my head in 😀.  Deb Dana has worked closely with Stephen Porges and has translated his work into a form that can be used by therapists to help their patients and she has a way of explaining things that makes it easy to grasp. Her first book I think is called Polyvagal Theory in Therapy, but I thought Anchored sounded interesting, so got that one.

I think the world would be in a much better state if everybody considered nature as their church 😺.

Hope today is a good day,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Indigo and DIG,

 I can totally relate to the struggle to produce meals, do household tasks etc. I developed fibromyalgia at 13. From what I’ve researched, C-PTSD frequently overlaps with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. I’m sure they are linked in my case. I have an autoimmune liver disease that causes major fatigue and cognitive dysfunction as well, though I’m improving greatly on a new med. I just wanted to empathise with you both as I get the struggle, and always happy to listen if you need somebody to talk to.

There is an interview on YouTube with Stephen Porges called Polyvagal Theory: How Your Body Makes the Decision. I’ve found he explains it quite well here. I like his way of speaking as he comes across as a smiley, happy person. I always trust theories and approaches more from people who seem like balanced, nice people. Similarly Peter Levine is such a compassionate man and I think that’s why his approach is so intuitive. It takes sensitivity and kindness to know how to treat trauma.

I’m going to try and get hold of Deb Dana’s book. Take care both and sending you gentle, kind wishes.

[indigo22]

Hi dig,

I just went back to your first post and saw you are getting counselling help so forget about my question in the later post. The healing journey is a long one, but with the support of people who really get it, I think it gets a little easier to keep moving forward. The sun is out today, that always makes me feel a little better.

indigo

[indigo22]

Thank you Eagle Ray,

I don't know about fibromyalgia but am going to look it up.

I read ebooks or listen to audio books as I was born with 'blue dot cataracts' which make my eyes very tired when reading but with ebooks, I can bump up the font to a more comfortable size so I can now enjoy reading. I have subscriptions with Kindle and Kobo and looked up the book you mentioned 'The Fellowship of the River' and it was included as a free read in my Kindle subscription, so I have added it to my reading list. If I think of any books that might interest you, I'll let you know. I wish I had known about the forums earlier, but I am a firm believer that all things happen when the time is right. Having a connection with kindred souls is really important in the healing journey, so thank you for your compassion and kindness.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Indigo, 

Yes, it’s so nice and helpful to have kindred spirits who can relate through similar experiences and are looking for the same kinds of answers. I have the Kindle app on my phone and find it has been fine to read on. I had not heard of blue dot cataracts before. I’m glad that e-books make it easier for you to read. I hope you are having a lovely and restful weekend 😊

[mmMekitty]

Hello Indigo22,

I was curious about your Blue Dot Cataracts & googled because I'd not heard of that type. I was born with cataracts, which were removed when I was young. (One at 10mnths & the other at 2yrs). I wondered if you have asked about treatment for your cataracts. No need to tell me, of-course.

Because of other eye conditions, I enjoy audiobooks, now. When ebooks came out, I didn't get much of a chance to use them before I couldn't read much print at all, especially black font on a white background. I'm not convinced it would have felt the same as holding a printed book in my hands.

Hi, ER, nice to see you here.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray,

I read a bit about fibromyalgia, I'm sorry, that sounds like a lifetime of aching and tenderness that no one should have to deal with.

You also talked about your autoimmune liver issue and I want to point you to the work of Dr Brooke Goldner. If you have already looked into her work, so be it. If not, she cured herself of Lupus and her protocols have helped to cure many other autoimmune diseases. I am looking into her work as it has also helped many with fatigue, you might find this worth a look too DIG. Her latest book is called Goodbye Autoimmune Disease and she also has a lot of info on youtube including q&a videos. If not helpful for you, then may be helpful for someone else reading this thread.

[indigo22]

Hi mmMekitty,

A bit of a long story but will make it as brief as possible🙂.

I first needed reading glasses when I was 24 because I was getting blurred vision and my job at the time was doing indexing of plans manually (no computers yet). Ever since I have had my prescription updated every 3 or so years. I had been to the usual suspects like OPSM and others that are no longer in business. Then I went to Spec Savers about 10 years ago but the new lenses were not right, I was getting some distortion and blurring. They remade them with the same result. My friend put me on to his optometrist who advised me that they were using the wrong material to make the lenses and that's why I couldn't see properly with them. Then he said " I suppose you already know about your cataracts". I said "what cataracts?". I had been wearing glasses for 29 years and not one optometrist had ever mentioned anything about them. He explained I had been born with them and said they were obvious so could not believe that no one had told me. When he made my lenses, they were perfect.

When I moved I was fortunate enough to find an optometrist who is part of the same group so I tested him to see if he would tell me about them, and he did. The fact that I did not find out until then and the fact that I will likely develop cataracts at an earlier age that most do, I figure there is no point doing anything until then. I also have astigmatism which needs to be adjusted for. He is keeping an eye on any progression in the meantime. I can't tell you what a relief it was to finally understand why my eyes were so sensitive to bright light and why I had difficulty seeing in low light. The cataracts shatter the incoming light so sunlight hurts my eyes, even with good sunglasses. Can't drive into the sun when it is low in the sky. Likewise, oncoming headlights are difficult for me although not as bad as sunlight. If there is not enough light in a room, my eyes ache after a while even if I am not reading, so always try to find the happy medium of light. I read on my tablet and find it easy with the font enlarged enough for comfort, the bonus is not having to hold anything in my hands, I just prop the tablet to a reading angle. I bet you are sorry you asked after that long explanation 😂

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Indigo. I will definitely look into Brooke Goldner. I’m a great believer that autoimmune diseases are not a one way progressive deterioration. There is more and more evidence that they can often be greatly improved and put into remission. I’m so glad too that you finally got the help you needed with your eyes! It makes all the difference having a practitioner who actually takes the time to explain things and really engage with you.