Do not feed the monster

[Emotions26]

I am struggling to understand this website and find my way around

I have replied to some people

I think that two champions replied to my first two posts

I do not know where they are now

I have supported several posts of others

I have replied to one person I think today

I am resonating with several posts in different areas but cannot remember where they are

I am literally lost within this website as well as within myself

I am working very hard at keeping the dreaded "D" at bay which I have battled with too many times.

I have had this since young apparently

I have had large gaps of time where I am mostly symptom free I think

The monster is the dreaded "d"

It is also a relative whom I have had to relinquish her hold over me.

I have only learnt about this stuff recently so struggle talking about it.

So I think of do not feed the monster as in do not think of her. Or do not feel guilty or upset or worry or a thousand other things

Also do not feed the dreaded "d" as it lurks waiting

I will not find this piece again

[Emotions26]

Hello Eagle Ray and anyone else reading

I must apologise to everyone.  I read my words again once they appeared and my phrasing is upsetting me.

I mentioned:

I am easily irritated by accents and speech of others

It is very important for me to retract that, as having an accent does not irritate me at all.

I love the fact that there are so many different accents and of course so many different languages.  That is actually a passion of mine.

I meant certain tones can irritate my sensory perception.  My whole sensory perception is heightened in all areas and that is why.

I hope that this explains my answer more clearly.

I am very weary not that I am trying to excuse myself. I should proof read everything that I write.

In fact I should proof read everything that I say as that would save me having to take my foot out of my mouth on occasion!!

Ugh

I am so literal!!

It is doing my head in lately.

Enough

I will end this here before I make a further mess of my words

Apologies all reading

Ems

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Ems,

Please don't worry about the comment about accents. I completely understand what you mean, that you are referring to the tone of voice. I have a friend who likes listening to audiobooks, but she is very particular about what voices she is able to listen to. I also find it matters in terms of listening to podcasts. There needs to be a friendly tone and a good feeling, if that makes sense.

My username comes from the kind of stingray called an eagle ray. Around the time I signed up to this forum, I had been meditating by the estuary near where I live. When I opened my eyes a beautiful eagle ray was gliding past. They are so graceful in the water and it was such a lovely thing to see. So that's just why I ended up as Eagle Ray as that was in the forefront of my mind, and I felt like the eagle ray represented freedom.

That's interesting about the similar symptoms, but the different diagnostic or descriptive approach of what it is. Yes, there are considerable differences between psychotherapy and psychology. The first therapist I went to at the age of 30 was a psychotherapist, and had not done psychology at university. Her approach was mostly Jungian which fitted at the time as I had just started reading a book I found in the library on Jung's work. So, to use a Jungian term, it was kind of synchronistic. Initially, I was getting somewhere, and I had been writing my dreams down for 3 years at that point too, before even seeing her. But over time it became a bit dysfunctional, and then really dysfunctional, because of her personal issues that she projected into the therapeutic relationship. Then she ended up going into a rage at me and I unravelled completely. Later she even started to bother me repeatedly at my place of work, 3 years after I'd last seen her, I think because she felt guilty about her past behaviour. It was disturbing to deal with and on multiple levels I really had a case for making a formal complaint. But as is often the way, this would've just added more stress to me so I left it. Since then, it has been psychologists I have seen. My current psychologist is definitely very good and very kind. The EMDR thing was just an unfortunate event which I have discovered is not uncommon from the other adverse outcomes I have read about and what seems to be a widespread lack of awareness about the risks for dissociative clients.

Would you say the approach with your therapy is kind of psychoanalytic? It's interesting to see how the same kinds of issues can be approached from a different angle. Even within psychology, there can be considerable variation in approaches. I'm glad that you are calling lifeline when you feel the need to. I understand what you mean about forgetting to discuss the actual issue that was happening that led to the call. I'm pretty sure I have done that too. It's like once you are on the line you kind of end up talking about other things. I am very grateful for the services provided that are there 24/7 and free of charge. 

You can also feel proud of your progress and efforts Ems. I completely understand about feeling weary. I think depression in particular can really be impactful in that way. It really is the most draining thing. I am slowly learning to let myself really, really rest when I am exhausted. So often I am trying to push on and I need to totally stop and be really gentle and kind with myself. 

Well take care dear Ems and I hope you can manage to have a lovely sleep tonight. Sending you warm wishes,

Eagle Ray

[Emotions26]

Hello Eagle Ray

I have read your reply and want to send a response when have more energy.

Medical tests, specialists, more tests, more rudeness wore me out

Finally major surgery 

In recovery mode at  home with everything that comes with above

Thankful to be the other side of the ordeal and one day at a time

Hope that you are faring well and life is being kind

Wishing you all the best for however you spend your time over the next few weeks

May the sun shine down on you during the day

The stars glisten in the night sky

Nature abound you in all of it's glory

I have copied and pasted above to write to another as I am so weary  Please do not think that I am being disrespectful 

Very hard for me to be on computer

Take care

Ems

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Ems,

I really hope you are recovering well from the major surgery. Thank you for your beautiful words and in no way are you being disrespectful. Yes, just take things one day at a time. I hope you are doing ok. No need to feel you have to write more unless you feel up to it. I have been absent for sometime myself.

Kind thoughts and hugs to you,

Eagle Ray

[Emotions26]

Thank you Eagle Ray

Receiving a reply means so much to many of us on the forums and I am one of those people.

I appreciate your support.

Hearing that you have been absent for some time also, I am hoping that is to give yourself space.

You have and still are going through so much which is draining and consumes so much energy needed to heal let alone think and get through some days.

I also have breaks from the forums as I find that due to my individual traits I can be easily left feeling emotionally exhausted by reading posts of others. Many of whom I want to to reply to support but am learning to keep on practising putting myself first.  Not an easy task to change habits of a lifetime.  I do not feel this way with your responses as I sense a beautiful gentleness from you.

I do not feel that the words of others are depressing or invoke misery.

I feel more that I sense their pain and struggles.  This is what I absorb and find can exhaust my energy.

So I take breaks.

Then I have to convince myself not to feel guilty for not writing to certain people. I know in principle that I should not feel guilty at all.  

Who I am as a person responds in my way of course.

Strategies that have to be changed to survive these issues soon are recognised by my mind and I have to come up with knew ones to try to keep one step ahead of my mind.

What a kefuffle ensues!!!

Sending you thoughts for warmth, renewed energy, peace, strengthened belief in yourself.

Thank you Eagle Ray

Do take care

Ems

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Ems,

Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts. Yes, I needed some space and I’ve been processing really full on stuff. Like you I need to make sure I remember myself which is also against my lifetime habitual patterns which trained me to focus on being highly responsive to the needs of others. It’s a balancing act and I think it’s a very good thing that you take breaks when you feel the need. You absolutely should not feel guilty and it is really important to prioritise yourself.

I really hope that you are recovering well from the surgery. Take gentle care of yourself, you are a kind, thoughtful soul. 

Wishing you peace, healing, vitality and happiness.

Warm hugs to you,

Eagle Ray

[smallwolf]

Hello everyone,

Hope you don't mind me jumping in a saying hello and .... I’ve been reading through this thread and the bit I wanted to share the more attention I give to the negative thoughts, worry and self-blame, the louder everything becomes. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it does not.

It doesn’t mean the feelings we have aren’t real, but acknowledging them and then (trying to) shift focus can help to stop that spiral. Some days that’s easier than others. Fwiw, I also have stress toys at work!

What I appreciate here is realising that none of us are alone in this and can lean on each other, and that it’s okay to take things one step at a time. That and taking the time to look after yourself as well.

[Emotions26]

Thank you Eagleray

My recovery has been one step forward and two steps back.

Had post op follow up which left me feeling more confused.  Surgeons do not like questions!!!

So I am doing what I have always done, do it my way.  I listen my mind when it is not misbehaving and I pay attention to my body.

Think of all the pain, angst and money I could save if I ruled out the majority of the medical world.

Good to hear that you are looking after yourself also following a similar pathway.

Having time out brings some renewed energy and hope.

I have fatigue so my brain is protesting and I lose words.

Stay safe and take care

Ems

[Emotions26]

Welcome smallwolf.

Have not corresponded for a while.

I lose threads and then do not want to disturb people.

I note that you started with "hope that you do not mind"

Agree with your recognition of sometimes it works and sometimes it does not.  This is why I am constantly changing my strategies.

It is very reassuring to know that we are not alone with self doubt and challenges.

Lovely to hear from you.

Ems

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Ems and wave to smallwolf,

It is true that some surgeons don’t like questions, but as a patient you are so entitled to ask them because it’s your body that undergoes the surgery. I had a family member once who had a surgeon who wanted to do a radical surgery on her that involved breaking and resetting a limb. She understandably had questions to which he responded, “Why do you ask so many questions?”, to which she replied, “Because it’s my leg”. Needless to say, she didn’t go with that option. The surgery she did subsequently have did not go well with the rehab protocol intensifying scar tissue and greatly prolonging recovery. When she had to undergo the same type of surgery again later, she redefined her own rehab and recovery around the hydrotherapy pool and got way better results. The surgeon was amazed and told her he had thought that wouldn’t work. So he learned something in the process. So I think what you are doing, which is listening to your body and doing it your way, is often the best way. I think we often have deep intuitions about what is right for us. It’s important to listen to medical advice, but it’s imperative to listen in to ourselves. It’s also more empowering and in any healthcare relationship it should really always be collaborative.

I hope at least anyway that the rest and recovery time kind of gives you a break to reflect or just let go for a while. Sometimes being limited in certain ways actually helps us relinquish struggling away and gives us permission to do some quiet things, whether it’s reading or watching favourite tv shows or whatever it is we feel able to do as we get better.

You take care too,

Eagle Ray