Do not feed the monster

[Emotions26]

I am struggling to understand this website and find my way around

I have replied to some people

I think that two champions replied to my first two posts

I do not know where they are now

I have supported several posts of others

I have replied to one person I think today

I am resonating with several posts in different areas but cannot remember where they are

I am literally lost within this website as well as within myself

I am working very hard at keeping the dreaded "D" at bay which I have battled with too many times.

I have had this since young apparently

I have had large gaps of time where I am mostly symptom free I think

The monster is the dreaded "d"

It is also a relative whom I have had to relinquish her hold over me.

I have only learnt about this stuff recently so struggle talking about it.

So I think of do not feed the monster as in do not think of her. Or do not feel guilty or upset or worry or a thousand other things

Also do not feed the dreaded "d" as it lurks waiting

I will not find this piece again

[mmMekitty]

Hi Em,

I smile to be m&ms thinking I have coloured shells over a chocolate middle, which, if left out in hot weather, will melt to liquid .... hehehee, makes me giggle & smile.

Gardening sound very good. Where I live it is not practical.

When I go out to the gym or shopping, I like to go to a park for lunch whenever we can. I enjoy listening to the birds.

If possible, I'd like to go to a place like my support worker & I went to a couple weeks ago, where there were gardens of flowers & other things, like lizards & artistic sculptures around. These places always feel peaceful & restful.

Now, when I mention any dreams I have remembered, my PDr asks me about the emotional content. I'm inclined to agree, they tend to point to what I'm feeling more than to any symbolic meaning related to what I saw or heard.

So, I look back & think my flying dreams were mostly about my yearning to be free & wanting no limits, wanting to go some place, to escape & be above or beyond problems & things out of my control.

Even the first flying dream I had seems to have been about making choices. In the dream the choices were between land & se, & which way to go. It was as if I was flying over half the eastern coastline of Australia, pondering which way to go, while enjoying the feeling of having the freedom of flight, & I guess, the freedom to choose.

I didn't think of the dream in that way then, when I was 13. & only because you have said you are fascinated by my dreams am I thinking about it & remembering again.

It interests me how I think about things so differently than I did when I was young. Your comment sparked thoughts. Thank you for that.

Thank you also for the spacing. It's not necessary, but I appreciate your consideration of my needs.

Hugzies & smiles to you

mmMekitty

[Emotions26]

Hello Mm me

Thank you for your response. I have replied to you over on the other Amd one along with others and now it is dinners time.

I will reply when I can.

An interesting subject.

Em xx

[Emotions26]

I am back again

I have been fighting the tears on a daily basis for over a week

life history has led me down this path

I now know after much self searching tears are not crying as many assume

they are the opposite in fact

I think of them as my eyes leaking

emotions sending messages to brain whatever is inducing the tears a stage of overload has been reached

my cup runneth over

Holding back the need to cry results in tears flowing

continual holding back a natural human response of crying results in tears flowing without warning

probably repeating myself 

holding in eventually adds to all the other components leading to the dreaded “d”

just when I tell myself or the rare few who know I have this on and off that I am managing

Nope

The dreaded “d” will not allow that

I accepted an offer of a “retreat” for two days in city. First time. Had trepidations before leaving hone

Told inner critic that I will have no idea unless I go. If I don’t like something Do something else.

Had to be dropped off at 8.00 am. Local bus service runs one a day ridiculous hours. 
Dropped luggage at hotel. Checked to see if I could get into my room before 2pm. 
My name is not on list.

Have spoken and texted 2 people. St I’ll waiting to hear what is being done

Was reminded check-in at 2pm 

I do know that! 

I have sat in noisy cafe for 2 hours and am frozen

Why am I doing this?

I know that I am sensitive

I am not fragile.

I might not explain myself the way that others do

I do not talk at people

I listen and ask questions

Why am I seen as the problem?

I am going back to the hotel now to see if they have heard anything yet

Hanging in

[Emotions26]

Back at hotel.

They had received a call from people organising their retreat.

Hotel had on only received change in booking Friday afternoon

Makes sense that 8.00am staff at reception would not have my name

However organiser of retreat could have sent me a message letting me know

Have heard nothing

Yes hotel organised a room for me to have available right then at 10am

Fabulous service

Will be writing feedback for caring wonderful service 

I am sitting here crying now not just tears

I feel dreadful 

I should be over the moon

I am so tired not sleeping and still dealing with COVID lagging symptoms since mid August

All That I can feel is that people take me for granted

I am always having to follow up

Assert myself

Inner critic listen to me

pushing myself to go to shops now

let what has happened go

make most  of time in city

dinner out tonight with others on retreat

hopefully meet some interesting people

Working very hard at getting out of this slump

[mmMekitty]

Hello Em26

Maybe you've been feeling all 26 of your emotions just getting your hotel room sorted out. I'm thinking, anger, confusion, frustration, fear, hopelessness, helplessness,  the dread that it won't get sorted, bewilderment realising no-one had contacted you, advising you what was to expect, disapporintment, .. a whole large raft of emotions, it's no wonder the tears flow - it sure can be that overwhelming.

I distain tears, too, feeling like they do, even as they are dripping down my face. That feeling has become a 'trigger' feeling for me. I very much dislike how being teary (& crying, I tend to use that word myself), clogs my nose, sometimes hurts my head, cramps my belly, & makes me feel wretched. I end up curling up inward as if to protect my 'soft underbelly' by tucking myself in, with my arms folded up at my sides or in front of me, to tight it can hurt, & make my breathing difficult. I want to fight against feeling this way, & out of control when I do... It represents me at my most powerless.

*

So how are you now? Maybe you are back from dinner, having met some new people, had a chat, hopefully some good food, too. & you are back, & maybe you'll have a shower, or maybe be feeling too exhausted, & just going straight to bed.???? 

Did you take a look out the window? What's the view like? I always want to know which way the window faces, north, south, east or west?

I wonder, too, what happens at a retreat in the city? 

When you awake tomorrow, I hope you are able to stay in the moment as you enjoy the rest of your retreat.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Emotions26]

Hello meme

Thank you so much for your ongoing support since I have joined these forums in May.

You have been a constant.

So much has happened to me during my life and seems to be on a continuum.

I feel as though I have boarded the wrong train at some stage; not that I catch many trains.

Something led me to the train that I am currently on; this has been travelling at such high speed ever since.

There have been several stops along the way where people have joined the journey for varying periods of time and with their own reasons on their own journeys.

Exhausting, as it probably is reading this.

Well that is moi in a nutshell.

Brain; sensory perceptions working on high alert. The signal not yet received safely to relax a little and take my foot off of the accelerator.

Retreat. Oh yes. That.

Was not a good start as I was very much looking forward to some time in the city believe it or not. At the same time I was quite anxious about what might eventuate.

My concerns were confirmed. Questions questions. Why can people not understand boundaries?

Pick up on them? Be aware?

So exhausted from sheer volume of people; enclosed in a confined, dark,  room of very old hotel for our evening meal. The room was beautiful. All asking questions in one hit.  I no longer circulate in large groups. That was not beautiful for me. My experience.

Overload. Oversharing from many. Over noisy. Over stimulated.

I picked up some vibes as well.

I did venture into the city where no shopping centres; only shops (thankfully). Have not done for so long. This part was good for me.

Met a couple of people who were interesting, at the evening meal. They were able to engage in conversation without dwelling on themselves too much. Novel. Enjoyed some discussions and being able to have them with new acquaintances.

I decided not to attend the main events; as I knew that I needed to use the time to rest, relax and trust my instincts; be aware of what my body was telling me also.

All 26 emotions probably describes the time aptly mmeek.

I came home feeling that I needed a retreat after a retreat.

Depression has given up on me temporarily for the moment. Fed up with hanging around lurking.

Anxiety is here for the ride as usual.

Giving me non stop brain chatter throughout day and night. Day I can talk back. Night I do not want to talk full stop.

Anxiety does not listen though does it.

Curling up and keeping warm is familiar and I believe stems from the foetus within the warm womb.

Yes I did open my curtains in the day and a smile came to my face as I found a tree looking back at me. Instant gratitude.

Has taken a while to ground myself returning home as other stuff is going on as life does.

I have booked another four night stay; further into the country, for early next year. After the summer heat. Have been there before. There are many interesting places not too far away to explore and history to be soaked up.

Hope that you  are managing. I have not been on here for a couple of weeks now I think it might be.

Thought best to have a break and give people a break from me.

Hugs back

Em

[mmMekitty]

Hello Em

So the retreat wasn't what you'd hoped.

It really sounds very disappointing.

Cherry-pick your experience & focus on that, because it wasn't all terrible unbearable.

I thought people went on retreats to spend time away from hustle & bustle, crowds & having to interact with people like they usually do in their busy lives.

I have a feeling when you have your 4-day in the country, you will enjoy it more.

I suspect a large majority of people are not taught about boundaries, or have had their right to have boundaries so disrespected they no longer establishing & having boundaries is even something imaginable - for themselves or for people around them.

It's rather like how social media is eroding the idea that people have a right to their enjoy any privacy. There seem to be no boundaries out there, or they are very seldomly kept in check.

I expect people think I'm rude if I don't want to answer their, what I think are 'personal questions.'

I've met people who seem to think, because they are also blind, that they have a right to ask who my Ophthalmologist is. That's one question I won't answer. All the people I see for health care - that's private.

It irks me to have to give personal info about me to, for example, use an app, or to register for an online service, which requires information which seems totally irrelevant to the app or service. 

It's got to a point where we can barely manage to get anything done, buy anything, go anywhere, without telling someone somewhere (well, just who & where gets to view my info?) my age, gender, phone number, address, etcetera, to do anything. Even buying in shop, they want a name & postcode, or to sign you up for marketing, getting your email, too...

Well, I expect you didn't want to read all that.

Lately, I have been back & forth, back & forth, getting some reliable support workers again. That's been taking up too much of my time. Then I want to get out more again, for exercise, appointments, shopping, or just maybe, take a day to go somewhere just for fun & to relax- when nothing else needs to be done first.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Emotions26]

Thank you mmee

will reply soon

am tired and hoping sleep is my friend tonight and yours

Em

[Emotions26]

Hello mmm

I actually did think about the good that came from the retreat. Yes that strategy certainly helps to diffuse some of the drafted self talk.

Some warm memories in fact. I am so surprised that I actually enjoyed being in the city! It has been so long 20 years since I worked in the CBD before changing my career. Love looking up at the old buildings as I used to walk to and from work. Very energising for the day. I think that some Would call it mindfulness. I call it reminiscing and soaking in the feelings.

Retreats are calm, quiet, serene escapes supposedly. None of those words matched mine.

I hear you about all of the questions invading our privacy. There are some questions that I flatly refuse to answer. My reply that could risk my confidentiality and privacy. 
Hooe that your support works and you can start looking to have some. Fun.

What would you like to do?

Take care

Em

[mmMekitty]

Hi Emememememememememememememememememememememememememem,

Oo, my text-to-speech reader makes reading 26 ems sound like Mekitty purring while savouring a very tasty bit of meat!

I'd like to visit various places, like beaches, parklands, gardens, bird & other animal sanctuaries, Forest walks with v easy paths, outdoor classical/jazz music events, boat trips, hands-on art exhibitions,

I enjoy when we have found exercise equipment in some parks, & using many of them. I also like playing pool or snooker, even though I can't see across the table, or well enough to strike the cue ball accurately. I would like to meet & greet more animals. We have gone to a cat cafe & these are good, but really, for cats, they need more time to feel comfortable enough to come up to me than a one-day visit allows.

I like getting into the watter, preferably a pool, but not freezing cold. I also prefer indoor pools, too because the bright light outdoors is really annoying to my eyes.

It makes it difficult to find things I can enjoy for an hour or two unless it's a cloudy day, or it is indoors.

I'd still like to take photos, but I haven't figured out how to do that & then to see if I have the photo of what I want. My iphone tries to tell me what is in view, but rarely is it   right, beyond telling me it is 'foliage'. I think I know that when I'm facing plants.

& what do you like to do when you go out?

Hugzies

mmMekitty