I'm 34m, I live alone and haven't really got any friends to speak of.
I've never been 'popular' but I did have friends growing up and never
really had any issues talking to anyone and making new friends.
Unfortunately even back then, my lovelife was ...
View more
I'm 34m, I live alone and haven't really got any friends to speak of.
I've never been 'popular' but I did have friends growing up and never
really had any issues talking to anyone and making new friends.
Unfortunately even back then, my lovelife was non-existent. I've never
been in a relationship, had anyone show any interest and several times
in my youth that I did try to ask someone out, I wasn't just rejected
but I laughed at and/publicly humiliated. Eventually, that lead me to
re-evaluate a lot of things in my life and cut-off ties with my previous
friends (a number of long stories but basically I realised I was just
being used and laughed at, they were directly responsible for the
humiliation mentioned above for example, I'd just grown to accept it
because I wanted friends). Since then though, I've found it increasingly
difficult to even start conversations with people. I don't feel anxiety
about it as such, it's just like I don't even know what to do or say
anymore, my mind goes completely blank after "Hi, how are you?" It's
made me feel more and more lonely over the years and really hit hard
just recently; I went to a social event that I'd been looking forward to
and ended up spending the entire night basically walking backwards and
forwards through the room and occasionally getting another drink as I
struggled (and failed) to even find an opening to talk to anyone.
Similarly I just started a new course, almost no one knows each other
and I thought it would be a good opportunity, after several days though,
friend groups are forming together and I'm once again on my own
already.. I don't blame anyone else and know it's something I need to do
but at this point, I don't even know what to do. I admittedly pulled
myself out of an unhealthy situation due to my hopes of a more personal,
romantic connection and instead I've just ended up further away than I
was before - while the constant rejections used to hurt, now I don't
even know how to get as far as asking. I've tried dating apps on-and-off
over the years too but, I'm not exactly a model and haven't had any
luck. I'm sorry if this all ends up a bit long and messy, and I know
that many might think romantic relationships and/or friendships aren't
that important, but after feeling like there's an an emptiness inside
for so long, one that seems to disappear in the brief moments of
friendly conversation with people, those things are all I can really
think about.