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If you are my friend please dig up some of my mud to help me

Mikhaela
Community Member
Thursday

hello community

I can share this akthough it is a lot so brace yourselves, Warning does involve some sensitive topics.

I am 12 and I have ASD (autism spectrum disorder) ADHD(attention deficit hyperactivity/ hypoactivity disorder) i have depression and anxiety and have to take 5 different medicines on a day to day basis and i am female. And i hate my life because I have had a PH addiction and don't know how to tell my parents so they can help me, I have not been eating because i think i'm fat, I think that nobody ever truly loves or cares for me, i always have to put on a smile and brace myself for the big autism burnout im going to get at the end of the day when all of that energy is gone. 5 minutes after im in school and im done. no more energy but i have to push myself and it gets harder and harder every day. I sink further and further into the mud every day pushing out but getting stuck further down. and if anyone ever offers me a shoulder im going to cry on it and im not going to stop. Also I have mainly male friends and they are mainly taller than me so they feel like protectors over me, i try to stop the thoughts of self harming. I dont want help i just want someone's shoulder to cry on. So if you are one of my friends. Please ask me if im ok let me lean on your shoulder and sob into it for 30 minutes. And if it's not me then still do it. You don't have to but it might save a life, you listen that's it you respond and don't  say anything it is confidential you are taking some weight off of us. The mud is being scooped out. Please listen i want someone to cry on, but since i am the one i have to put a mask on for, they think i am mentally ok and they always make jokes about me being mentally unstable so i always have to awkwardly laugh, but they dont know that. I really want someone to scoop out the mud for me im drowning and have been so for about 3 or 4 years. even though i may be young i was a victim of bullying that was always overlooked because my bully used to be my friend and when i told someone in my class they didn't brush it off and say so what they actually seemed interested and sad. I have autism depression anxiety and adhd my life is the best yay mud is drowning me slowly litre by litre all i have is a teacup to scoop it out with but it's flowing faster than that. I can't stop it.

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therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Thursday

Hi Mikhaela

 

You sound like such a beautiful deeply feeling person, one of those really important people to have in this world. At the same time, this world can be such a tough place to live in for such a person. Definitely makes a big difference when we've got sensitive people around us who can also sense or feel in the ways we do. This way, when we say to another person who can sense easily 'Did you feel that upsetting comment that person made towards me?', they can say 'Yes, I felt it. You didn't just imagine it'.

 

Life is very different and especially challenging at times for a sensitive person, someone who can sense easily. When you can sense so much, sensory overload can be a problem. How to sense in a way that doesn't overload the brain and the rest of the body (nervous system included) requires greater self understanding. 'How do I work?' can be a good question, as opposed to 'What's wrong with me?'. 'Do I need to vent through tears, vent through breathing (sighing a lot), vent through talking things out or vent in some other way?' can be another good question. 'Do I need to manage my energy in motion (emotion) in ways I can feel it calming down?' can be another good question. 'Do I need to manage how I feel through my nervous system, feel through my beliefs, feel through my imagination and more in skillful ways? What are some of the skills I can look at developing?' can be another question. I know, so many questions. The quest to better know our self and master who we are comes with plenty of questions, that's for sure.

 

As a sensitive gal myself, I've found the question of love, 'Who loves me and who doesn't?', isn't always straight forward. It's more so 'Who loves me in the ways I really need them to at times?'. It's like if I'm depressed 'Who loves me in the ways of raising me up and out of that depression? Who loves me in a way where they can gift me an inspiring revelation that I'm going to feel as being positive?'. 'Who loves me in a way where they can lead me through a challenge while shedding light on what the challenge is really about?' is another one. I cannot feel a very simple form of love, yet I can easily feel a deep love. Who would you say, out of your parents, is the one who loves through acts of service to you. For example, who is the parent who led you to see the psychologist/s who diagnosed you? Which of your parents is a leader/guide for you? This would be the one who you need to speak to, when it comes to how much you can feel yourself struggling. A very empowering site for this parent to consider could be reframingautism.org.au ❤️

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