Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

The last few months have been somewhat confusing as I have discovered more about my mental / physical health and how it has all been connected. I had not put the pieces together, I am not sure why, it seems so obvious now.

I have dealt with Dysthymia since about 12 and Major Depression since about 14 but was not diagnosed until my 40s and had no idea that had been the problem all along. I knew I wasn't like everyone else but thought I was just born that way. Back then mental health was not a subject that was openly discussed and the signs mostly went unrecognised and untreated. I had about 10 years of talk therapy with a social worker that helped immensely.

I have had a sensitive digestive system for a good portion of my life, not so much that I sought treatment, just things like indigestion with certain foods, bloating and the like. I suppose I thought everyone had those types of issues.

I have also had nervous system reactions over the past 15 years, like involuntary shaking in certain situations, that I had put down to getting older and being less resilient having been through a lot of difficult challenges.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist who also does somatic work (turns out you were right mmmekitty, I did need some more help). The first session of somatic work, in this case EFT (tapping), brought up a deep and long standing belief that I did not deserve to be helped. The emotions were buried so deep that I was not even aware of them. After that session things went haywire physically for a few days and took some weeks to start to settle.

Being the type of person who needs to have an understanding of what is happening and why, I have been reading many books on the symptoms I have had. That is when I began to join the dots about how interconnected by mental and physical health actually were. It has required a lot of processing on my part, and an acknowledgement of what I have been consciously unaware of, but it has been necessary to finding a way forward. This will be an ongoing journey as new symptoms show up that need to be looked at.

I know now that there is a lot of unreleased trauma in my body that is a contributing factor in not healing mentally or physically and I know now what needs to be done to improve. There is only so much that the medical profession can do, I believe the rest of the responsibility lies with us in digging deeper to find the causes and the answers. In many ways, that in itself becomes empowering.

Take care all.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo,

Thank you for sharing about your experiences and journey. As you say, it is an ongoing one, but it sounds like you have made a lot of progress and worked very hard to make sense of all you have been through in life so far.

I agree that to a large extent we have to do the work ourselves to find answers and that often involves a lot of reading, researching, trial and error. Wise guides can definitely help along the way too, whether they come in the form of therapists, friends or whoever they may be.

I can relate to the presence of somatic issues in terms of impactful emotional experiences lodging in the body. I have found listening intuitively to the body and reading feelings as a form of meaningful communication from the body has been really helpful. It sometimes takes a while to figure out what a particular feeling is about, but I am learning not to judge difficult feelings negatively but understand they mean something that I can learn from. Often that realisation in itself helps to release the hold of that feeling over me and helps my nervous regain some balance.

I’m wondering if now the dysthymia and major depression are beginning to make sense in the context of your life? I’ve found often initially such things can feel so amorphous and hard to make sense of. For me I’ve had to recognise the presence of anxiety and depression which in my case are direct spin offs from complex trauma which is the core issue. When I learn to treat and process the complex trauma I can feel some self rebalancing starting to happen and habitual anxiety and depression responses start to be less unconsciously automatic, like I have some agency now. I feel like healing is growing that agency over time and feeling a sense of efficacy in one’s own life.

I hope you can keep uncovering what you need to in order to make sense of your world and that you keep gaining more layers of healing in that process. I’m sure you have the fortitude and insight to work through those layers.

Take good care and go gently as you delve into your experiences. Wishing you the best 🙏

Watm hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

I worked out when I was going through talk therapy how, why and when the dysthymia and major depression began, these are my core issues. What I haven't been able to understand until now is why, despite having an understanding and making changes to my boundaries, I have not really healed.

The knowledge that so much of the past is still trapped in my body is what has made it clear to me, healing can't take place until what is trapped has been released. That in turn can be a catalyst to assist the body and mind in healing itself.

We have had many discussions about books and although our core issues are not the same, we seem to find the same books and authors helpful for the most part. I always enjoy our discussions.

I am not able to read into my body as yet, at present my understanding is all in the mind. It is improving a bit at a time. When I first began with the psychotherapist, she would ask me where I felt certain things in my body and was not able to tell her. There is a disconnect between mind and body but I think this can be quite common from what I have read. I am having to remake those connections which takes a bit of time when the disconnect has been there for so long. I am sure my body has been trying to get messages through but they have fallen on deaf ears, so to speak.

For the moment I am happy to be making some progress toward healing, and happy that you are doing the same.

Warm hugs to you too,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Hi indigo,

I relate to what you say about having difficulty being able to tell your therapist where you feel things in the body. My therapist has asked me the same thing a number of times and I often went kind of blank (dissociated) and couldn't answer, or only with difficulty. I am finding it is getting a bit easier though.

At the moment I am particularly getting better when I sense something is off in a situation. I'll get a skin crawling, icky feeling and I'll internally feel a recoil from a person if something isn't right. This recently happened when someone tried to act unethically in relation to me and my instincts that I felt at a bodily level turned out to be right. In similar situations in the past I overrode my body by convincing myself everything was fine when instinctively my body was sending me signals otherwise. In this recent situation I avoided getting drawn into what would have been a bad, stressful situation, whereas in the past I would have been manipulated by the other person and only consciously realised much further down the track.

So I am finding such body awareness useful, not just in relation to releasing past experiences but being aware of current experiences and how to respond to them. I think with past experiences, once your body has experienced the release of one trauma or stressful experience, it has a kind of knowing now that this is possible. So it becomes a bit easier as you go along to work through and release past experiences, some of which may happen quite spontaneously. I know I am still in a process with it and have more to release, but I feel a lot more hopeful knowing it is possible and that I've released some stuff already. It is amazing how the body will increasingly start autocorrecting itself once it understands it can. I don't think it's a linear trajectory and you can go back and forth between different states, but overall I think the easing into a recalibrated, more balanced, peaceful and healed self is possible.

I hope you are having a lovely day.

Hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

I am really glad to hear you are getting better at feeling others negative energy. That is an intuitive sense I have always had, but not always listened to, but have learned, like yourself, to listen to it through experience. For me that is a gut feeling about someone in the first few minutes of meeting them. It's like I know what they are saying and the energy they are projecting are not aligned. It creates an instant distrust of their motives. Sometimes I can even look at a photo of someone and get that reaction. I don't feel other sensations in other parts of my body as yet, but that will come in time.

I have meaning to say that I gave you the wrong impression when I had the reading, it wasn't anything I was feeling but the words that were being relayed. I am only able to feel that energy if I am very emotional in the moment. One session, I was feeling emotional about an exercise we were doing involving my brother and I could definitely feel his energy in my heart. It is my hope that by removing the trapped emotions, those abilities will open up more without the need for an emotional state.

Hope you are having a lovely weekend,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Hi indigo,

What you say about when people's energy does not match what they are saying is exactly what I am getting better and better at picking up on. If I walk away from an encounter feeling uneasy and asking myself questions about what was actually going on there, that is a sign something isn't right, because that just doesn't happen when people's words and energy are aligned. I too distrust their motives when I get that feeling of dissonance.

I understand now about the reading. That was me misinterpreting and assuming you meant you were sensing/feeling those things. I think I understand too about feeling when in an emotional state but wanting to be able access those feelings without the need of an emotional state. I think that eventually happens and it means being able to use those sensing and feeling capacities with a kind of calm, clarity and presence. I feel like I am starting to do that a little when I look at some very recent experiences. I was still drawn a bit into the emotions I tend to feel, including fear, but I've been able to kind of transcend that and largely let go of the fear. That is a very big change for me. It seems to also coincide with me starting to no longer freeze in situations but move through them. Before I would be stuck and dissociated, but now I am able to be more present with my sensing/feeling self in a calmer way and I find something in side of me is intuitively handling things and moving through them. It's kind of like there is an inner guide in there now who was perhaps sort of there before but I am much more in tune with that inner guide now.

I hope you are having a lovely weekend too 🤗

ER

[Guest_9989]

It sounds like you’ve been on a deep and enlightening journey to understand how your mental and physical health are connected. Realizing that your struggles with Dysthymia, Major Depression, and physical symptoms are linked can be overwhelming but also empowering.

It’s great that therapy and somatic work are helping you uncover and address underlying issues, even though it’s been tough at times. Understanding the role of trauma and how it affects your health is a big step forward.

Keep being patient with yourself as you continue this journey. It's impressive that you're taking charge of your healing and learning more about what works for you. Wishing you strength and continued progress.

Take care,

[indigo22]

Hi charliebrown,

Thank you for your response and encouragement, it sounds like you have some experience in these matters yourself.

Eagle Ray and I have been communicating on different threads for over a year now, we are on similar journeys and it helps having someone to talk with about the journey and the progress. Please feel free to join in the conversation if and when you wish, you will always be welcome.

I noticed you are new to the forums, so welcome and I hope you find the forums helpful on your journey.

Take care,

indigo

[therising]

Hi indigo

I'm so glad your graduation to greater and greater levels of self understanding is bringing you relief and inspiring revelations that can come with the process. Inspiring revelations can have an incredible feel to them.

When it comes to how the mental, physical and natural elements in us come to work together, I'd say a brilliant book would have to be 'Becoming Supernatural', by Joe Dispenza. He takes the triad and has the viewer see it through the lens of neuroplasticity, epigenetics and quantum physics. While covering the very basics of each and being able to put things into simple terms, this makes it an easy read for the lay person. I suppose a good example of how the 3 elements can work together could involve how the way we think can determine how some of our genes are expressed in certain ways (whether they're switched on or off). In changing our way of thinking and our actions/practices, certain genes can switch on. If we have a gene that allows us to better tap into the quantum field or energy field and that gene is switched on, we're naturally going to feel a heck of a lot more in life. In other words, our super natural or incredibly natural ability to feel or sense just about everything will come online. In this case, the questions can become 'What the heck is happening to me? Why have I suddenly become so emotional all of a sudden? Why can I feel so much energy in motion (aka 'e-motion)?'. Perhaps a more inspiring way of phrasing it is 'I am now switched on when it comes to feeling'. A side effect of this can see us suddenly wake up to who's not emotionally switched on or super sensitive to feeling. These would include all the insensitive people. Ever had the thought 'Why can that person not feel what they're saying to me?'?

I've heard it said that the body can go through a kind of recalibration period as we become switched on in such a way. Kind of like it has to release a lot of stuff so we're able to get a better feel for things or become a better channel for emotion. In other words, it can be hard to feel through a whole lotta stuff getting in the way or triggering us. While someone being cruel or degrading towards us can trigger deeply depressing emotions associated with past hurts, we can't actually feel them simply being a depressing self entitled a*****le, who believes they're entitled to say whatever they want' 😂. While we could accuse a person of being this way, they'll typically deny it but if we super sensitive we'll be able to feel them spouting nothing but poop 💩. Hope I got a laugh out of you.

I like the idea of 'coming to our senses' or coming into our senses. When you can sense your feelings and other people's feelings, when you can sense natural guidance (like Eagle Ray can), when you can sense the best way forward vs the worst way, when you can sense who's depressing and who's inspiring (who to emotionally detach from vs who to form a stronger connection with) and so on, life takes a super natural turn.

[indigo22]

Hi therising,

I hope you have been keeping well.

I'm not sure if you have read through the entire thread so far but I have no problem feeling other peoples energy, it's very instinctual for me. And yes, there are many many examples of people who sprout poop but I avoid them and only connect with people who are more in touch with their emotional and instinctual selves.

I think the problem is that when I lost all of my family, I was overwhelmed with so much pain, anguish and uncertainty, that I disconnected mind from body, kind of a survival mechanism but without conscious awareness of it. Not too long after that, I had to deal with my own cancer without support from family in a new location where I knew only my neighbours. I was so young when I went into depression, I wasn't even aware of the signs let alone what to do about it. I believe that I needed a few years to come to terms with all of that loss before I could look more closely as I am now.

I love Joe Dispenza and have had all of his books for quite some time just waiting for the right time to read them. I did start on one of his books a few years ago but it just wasn't the right time. I haven't turned the TV on in over a year, have just been reading non fiction health related and spirituality related books. That happened because I sensed a prod that it was time (I'm sure you know what I mean by that).

Another part of the problem is that, prior to now, I have not thought of what I have been through as trauma. I think that is a result of my upbringing, the old world attitude of burying your emotions and 'pick yourself up and get on with it' way of dealing with things. I am now seeing things more clearly. I just recently finished reading 'The body keeps the score' and have a number of books by Gabor Mate and Peter Levine that I am working my way through, along with a multitude of others. This is my focus now, understanding what has been outside my conscious awareness for so long.

Thanks again and take care,

indigo