Smiling Depression

[Valentina]

I don't know if I actually have depression but I am showing all the symptoms of smiling depression. Looking at myself from a third person lens, I can not tell or even imagine me being sad. I am perfectly healthy and fit individual, but deep down when I sit with my own thoughts alone, I have been feeling hollow and empty. I have been feeling nothing, and that nothingness is filled with some sort of sadness that I can not really expain.

I do not like to be the negative person in the room, I am known to be a very moody person and I do not like that image of me generally speaking so only thing I really know is to isolate myself and process my thoughts and emotions till I feel better. I used to do journalling but I have been caught up in an irrational fear that my new boyfriend is going to read my journal and will know how I feel deep down and he is going to leave me because I am an emotional mess and difficult to deal with. 

Always known to be a troublemaker for having a voice or an opinion and hence I have transformed myself to be someone who is nice, gentle, sweet and easy to approach. I have not been very sucessful in doing that but that has been my intention, which looks like is not me but someone I want to be percieved. 

And hence my original feelings are so highly masked that I do not really know how I actually feel deep down. 

One day when I was high on pot, I suddenly realised that my showing behaviour is so different to my behaviour when I am alone. I am generally clean, healthy eating, fit person who knows what to do and is very clear in head, but when I am left unsupervised I am chaos. I would not brush nor take shower till I can procastinate, miss lunch or dinner meals and survive off smoking ciggertes and salty/sweet snacks, not do anything out of my to-do list and procastinate till a point I can no longer push it. I thought I am just lazy, but I feel its more than lazy and has deeper meaning to it. It takes me a lot more effort to do simple tasks on day to day basis till I can no longer push it back and do it very last minute.

This bothered me a little, but what bothers me the most is that nobody atually really cares about me. My mum and dad don't often check on me and care about my wellbeing, while I do care about them deeply. I feel I have lost my family and I have grieved about them in the episodes I have had before.  I do not want to live the life I am living. 

[indigo22]

Hi Valentina,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

From what you have written in your post, my personal opinion is that you are struggling because you are rejecting your authentic self. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you, it does matter that you love yourself for who you are. You don't need to try to change to accommodate others. What you need to try to do is recognise all of your authentic aspects of self, both good and what you might think of as not so good, and learn to love all of who you are.

The journaling will help you with this, write all of those aspects of yourself into your journal in two columns, one being things you like about yourself, the other being things you currently don't like about yourself. You say that you have been labelled a troublemaker because you have a voice and an opinion. Those are not negative traits, you are entitled to have an opinion and voice it. It may be a simple matter of approaching it in a different way than you have in the past. Or it may a simple matter that those who have labelled you that way, don't want you to have an opinion or a voice. But that would be their problem to deal with, not yours.

If you are concerned about you journal, get one with a lock or put it somewhere where it won't be easily found. If you think your current boyfriend could invade your privacy in that way, is that who you really want to to spend your time with?

I think your self confidence has taken a hit at some point and has made you feel you are not enough the way you are. That could not be further from the truth, you are enough, have always been enough, and will always be enough. Your only focus should be on allowing yourself to believe that truth and be your authentic self instead of trying to be someone others will approve of. As I said, their problem, not yours.

I am happy to continue this conversation if you are comfortable doing so.

Take care of yourself,

indigo

[indigo22]

Hi Valentina,

I have written a reply but it hasn't shown up as yet. If it doesn't show up in the next hour, I will ask the moderators to try to find it.

Sorry, this happens occasionally but I will re-write it if they can't locate it.

indigo

[Valentina]

Thank you so much @indigo22! I was not expecting a reply and it feels good to be not dismissed.

I do not know how to work on accepting my authentic self more and not be thinking of adapting. 

I tried sharing my thoughts to my closed ones and they think mental health is a myth, and they have no idea something can be wrong with me because I appear so normal and just a regular person doing my things. 

With my boyfriend, I trust and love him, it is me who has always felt like there is someone standing behind me reading my journal. There is a back story to this, I've been treated poorly and not given enough respect to my personal life and privacy by my father. I am trying to cope with that, but the fear doesn't go. 

There are days when I am not clear in my head and feel so depressive and then there are ordinary days as if nothing happened. I want to be in that zone more where I am not easily affected but then I don't know what takes over.

I've created a list of things I like to do and is not harmful to my health 

- Shower/ getting dressed

- listening to music

- cooking

- Skin or hair care

- Cleaning house

-looking after the plants

- If possible, dancing or yoga or gym but this takes a lot of efforts. 

but this does not always happen to work. Right now I am in sensible space after trying those things, and I may go well for few days but I don't know when will I be soon take down with my own thoughts. 

Re: confidence, it is my workplace and I am already seeing its effect in my day to day, but also I don't know maybe I am just too soft and need to toughen up little bit

Thanks,

Val

[Guest_50579271]

I feel you, every single word you have written is exactly me and the no one cares part. I don’t know what to do and noone to talk to.

[indigo22]

Hi Val,

I have read between the lines of your response and I think you are underestimating the effect that your father's behaviour had on you. I think that is where your self esteem took the hit and has followed you around ever since. To explain what I mean; if someone does not respect you enough to allow you your own personal space and privacy, it sends a message (subconsciously or consciously) that you are unworthy of respect which can then trickle down the line to include unworthy of love. We are so vulnerable in our formative years, we are completely influenced by the behaviour we see around us from family, friends, teachers etc. Unfortunately, sometimes that behaviour is dysfunctional but we take it on because we don't know any better at that age.

I came from a dysfunctional family also so I can empathise. I went into dysthymia around the age of 12 and into major depression around 14, but I didn't know that was what I was dealing with. I never felt like I fit in anywhere and I assumed I was just born that way. I was not diagnosed until I was in my 40s but by then the depression had become deep seated and I am still working my way to getting on top of it (I am now in my 60s).

The other thing that is apparent in your response is where you mentioned your (closed ones, assume you meant loved ones - meaning your parents?) believe mental health is a myth. A myth is something that is difficult to prove as being real, mental illness is widely proven as a real problem. I think what you did from a relatively young age is cover up your mental health difficulties as a coping mechanism as it would not be supported by those around you. Even if you were not aware of it on a conscious level, you were at an subconscious level and did what you needed to do to survive.

I was a people pleaser to a large degree to avoid any unnecessary addition friction in an already uncomfortable environment. I was seeing a social worker for about 18 months before she broke it to me gently that I had been dealing with depression all those years, she recognised that I was completely unaware. Becoming aware was difficult at first but it started to change everything over time. I began to set boundaries for the first time in my life and was no longer trying to be the one keeping the peace. I had taken the whole situation on as my responsibility to fix, but I was the child not the adult, it was their responsibility to fix their own behaviour.

I think you have become so accustomed to changing your behaviour as a coping mechanism that you don't recall why you began doing it in the first place. Until you set some proper boundaries, you will continue to be affected by what others expect of you.

The way forward is not necessarily easy but it is necessary if you want to free yourself. The first step is to question your beliefs and your thoughts. Again, the best way to do this is in your journal. When you write things down, you take them out of your head (where they just go around in circles) and make them physical in order to look at them. Then you are able to make a clearer decision if this (whatever you have written) is helping to make you a healthier person or is holding you back from moving forward in your life in a healthy way.

I hope all of this is making sense to you, if there is anything you don't quite understand we can talk about it further along with anything else you wish to talk about. I am here to support you and I will only ever tell you in an honest way, what I am seeing through your words. You are not alone.

Take care Val,

indigo

[Valentina]

I don't know but as soon as I started reading the reposonse, I could not stop crying. I feel like this is the truth I know deep down but not willing to accept. I am not sure why I feel this way but I can not stop crying and I have no specific reason to cry. I just feel everything is going wrong in my life and I am not sure if I am at right place, but if this is not right place then which is the right place for me, I don't know that either. 

My relationship with my boyfriend is at a very weird stage where I don't know how to express and be vulnerable to him because of the long distance. I do not get enough time with him generally speaking and we've only been together for 5 months (counting the time that we only met over those weekends). He is not very expressive verbally, so he would not often speak about emotions (as a guy, I beleive it is natural and acceptable to me as a partner), or ask me questions like how am I doing in the relationship (this is not acceptable).

Everytime I have raised any issue, he has claimed that he has done everything that he can to his best capacity and I can not argue with that further. Sometimes I still argue further and tell him what bothers me but he gets upset on me for expressing my side of emotional story and then I need to sacrifice my side of emotions and look after him. Emotionally this is very hard for me and has only discourgaed me from telling him anything. 

The long distance relationship is acting just like how my parents were absent in the parent-child relationship when I was growing up and I didn't feel heard. But even if he was here, would I open up to him, I don't open up to anyone for that matter. 

It is not like he does not care or does not love me, but he does not know me that well given we have spent very limited amount of weeks together in reality. As a partner, I have never recieved the secure kind of love the way he has given me. He is more of action person than of words, he would actually do things for me instead of just flluffing things. I've never seen a man so sure about me in terms of commitment, and his trust in this relationship. He goes above and beyond to do things for me and that makes me want to stay but with long distance, I am not being able to be vulnerable and it is slowly pushing me away from him and I am slowly going into a phase where I do not care about this relationship so that I can secure my leftover sanity. honestly I am just pretending to not care so that I feel strong, but hell weak. 

I have known myself to sabotage good things, and I feel I am about to ruin only good thing I have at this stage of my life. I feel maybe I am taking things for granted because he has given me his full commitment and I am creating drama for small inconvenience.

I am not worried about the fact that 'Oh I won't find anyone better than him', infact I want to stay single by myself and suffer in misery because I am so not familiar with stability. Other than long distance, and not being able to verbally communicate (which we were supposed to be working on), he is the ideal man a woman would want to be with. 

I have not been able to put down any of my thoughts down untill now regarding relationship because I was scared that first thing I will say is I want to break up, but if I do that, I am going to go down a rabbit hole of sadness and no one will be able to help me. Actually even when I tell him, I don't really let him help me either. So fighting with him for the reason that he is not  present in this relationship is also pretty useless. 

[Valentina]

I did journalling and I expressed what has hurt me that bad, and its mostly the fact that my parents do not care about me and the way they have treated me has not been fair. I want to see them as humans and accept them for who they are. But I feel like an orphan with my parents still alive. I have tried having mutlitple conversations to be able to improve the relationship but it has only gotten worse with time and the bond has only become weak. I don't know why this validation matters me so much. 

Recently I have started getting weird thoughts that are not in my control and they scare me. I feel as if I am hypnotised for a moment and when I click back to reality and I am shocked about the things that are coming to me. When I share it, I look stupid, naive and weak. I did express to my partner that I am getting weird thoughts but he never reacted to it, never said or asked aything. And I wonder if these weird subconsious thoughts are just a way to get their attention and love. 

I remember scribbling 'dead girl' on all my photo album in 4th grade. I don't know why I did that but I remember crossing out my face from all the photos and marking my dad with 'great man' or 'good man'. 

How were you diagnosed with depression, what would be my next step to confirm my delusion?

[Valentina]

edit: He does plan to move in 100% and stop long distance but I don't know when and it makes me feel insecure. he is well aware about it. 

and also, I did express to him that he needs to communicate more and ask me verbally what is wrong if you know something is wrong instead of avoiding it. But now I am the problem, I do not feel like opening up and being vulnerable. He does ask me, but I don't feel to be in a position to share anything emotional, sensitive or something private like things I share here. Its been a very superficial, very friendly type of relationship where we joke around, ensure we're doing well health wise and hows day going and any drama or gossip throughout the day. Its at a very surface level when we're in long distnce and then when we're in person it is always me raising the issue, and honestly I am tired being that and I would like to shut up for once. 

I know there is no way he is going to be able to guess all this thats going in my head or intercept from my behaviour but I also do not know what to do other than being nice because 'he does not like to fight and argue' and I've already shared his fighting technique as a partner. He shuts down and I need to step up to talk and cheer him up. nothing is going my way when it comes to an argument. 

[indigo22]

Dear Val,

I'm sorry my response made you cry, at the same time, I am glad you saw the truth in those words. You have been bottling up a lot for a long time and I'm glad you felt safe enough to let some of it come out here. 

I have a few things that I need to do tomorrow, but I will send you a post later in the day. Just for tonight, take some deep breaths to help you calm down and rest. I have been where you are and I know it is not easy to deal with, but at least I know how to help you.

Get some rest and we will talk tomorrow,

indigo