Depression - life

[randomxx]

Hi to all.

Some will know l've had my ups and downs for sure but l wanted to start this as a new and separate thread bc the old one wound up all about gf ex.

Just for the most that won't know though and happen to drop in, l got rid of of my place 6mths back and went caravaning 51/2 mths, just couldn't deal with another place at the time and just felt like a bloody good break and rest first.

Wasn't sure how l'd feel about it but it wasn't bad and at times really nice just being free for a bit but later 50s there were also the worries of what to do when l get back. Well back now is too my other place it's not really that l had two houses the second one is just a country block with a cabin in a tiny town that l just rent out, never lived there. Well the tenant moved out so that's where l've come back to, l need to fix it up and sell it toward my new place.

This little town this whole thing , not doing me any good at all in this stage of life. l did have to get out of my other place don't regret it it had to be done but it's just been such a huge last 10yrs or so. Divorce and all thenlater on just broken up with later new gf now ex just last yr and now all this and here l am in this place- and then l'll be somewhere else to where l'm thinking of moving to, maybe even building . lf so it'll only be small and minimalist buttt, ldk

Just feel like total bs it's all too much and it's like what in the hell am l even doing especially here right now and at this age but ldk how else l could've done things.l had to get out of my last place, l have to be here to fix up this one and it's somewhere at least to stay, it'll be  a few mths.

Been coming here 20yrs keeping this place up and all the same people are still here couples been together and still here all that time and still sitting in their homes watching tv and doing their lives together.

The total opposite lives to mine and now l;m even single and here doing this and then wherever later restarting again andddd, it's all just sooooo, words l can't use here.

rx

[Eagle Ray]

Hey rx,

It’s great your x gf is an incredible support and she is someone you can talk about the mh side of things with. And it’s so great you have your daughter to talk with too. I think we all need someone to have those conversations with at least some of the time.

By all means keep this thread going if it helps to chat anytime. I don’t actually have a currently active thread of my own, like a long term one that is ongoing as some people do. But happy to chat with you here and maybe I will have my own at some point. I’m going through a fair bit of grief at the moment from a recent loss so I’m a bit up and down. The last few hours became really hard emotionally but feeling a little better now. I’m in the city now taking care of a lovely fluffy cat who is very sweet natured and good company. She’s munching on her cat biscuits at the moment. I’ve been spending time with my friend and her daughter too which has been lovely.

Take care rx and I hope the week is going well.

Hugs,

ER

[randomxx]

Hi there er.

Nice you've gotten away for a bit, wonders for the soul and mh. Been great to catch up with people myself too since l've been back, weirdly l get more people dropping over for a beer or a wine here at the cabin than l use to have at home.

But nah as l say mh stuff, that's only gf though and mostly her stuff anyway but eh, she is brilliant if l do need anything too, or else just around BB.

But ldk , as l say too for myself, l don't even know if it even helps anyway as l say l'll just let threads fizzle now tbh l think, just chat about here and there a bit instead. Seems healthy just getting on with life tbh l find.

Anyway enjoy your away .

rx

[therising]

Hi rx and Eagle Ray

I have to say this is such a thoughtful and deeply feeling thread. Can always tell the deeply feeling people by how they express themselves. It's more so 'I feel...' or 'something feels...' or 'that thing/person leads me to feel...' etc, rather than simply putting everything down to 'I think'. In some ways it's easier for people who simply think their way through life. Being a feeler can double a challenge. You've gotta think and feel your way through life. 'I can feel myself heading in the wrong direction or going nowhere. Now let me think or analyse the hell out of that. What am I feeling?'. And every time you analyse the hell out of it, the revelation/s offer a bit of heaven. No wonder life can feel like a bit of a roller coaster ride. Constantly up and down between what can feel like hell on earth and heaven on earth. I much prefer the highs/the heavenly feelings, yet the lows force you to have to better understand and develop yourself. Through all the ups and downs, you can come to realise how fascinating you are, how amazing you are, how deeply feeling, thoughtful, resilient, determined and even amusing you are in a number of ways. The list of revealing traits goes on with this compilation of our true nature. With the amusing part, while my nature or questionable ways often led me to think in the past 'I'm so stupid', these days I like to think 'I'm so funny (when it comes to how I work in certain ways)'. Self amusement feels so much better than self resentment.

While in a low at the moment, I know I'm heading for a revelation and I can't wait to feel it. Not sure what it will be at this point. When we're on the rise, out of a low towards some form of enlightenment, I believe we can at some point start to feel the rise. While the enlightening revelation/s may not be overwhelmingly brilliant every time, less dark can be enough to offer some relief and a slightly clearer vision of the way forward. Can definitely be so much harder to see the way forward in the dark. For a deeply feeling or sensitive person, feeling or sensing our way through it can prove to be just as difficult at times, that's for sure.

Rx, I feel for you regarding the loss of your beloved kayak. With the holiday retreat I've been going to every Easter holidays for 10 years having sadly closed their business (I feel deeply for them, as it was not by choice), it's the place where I always went kayaking. I'm feeling the loss of what I always looked forward to with excitement and a sense of peace and joy. A lot of my visions need to change right now, as all I can see through my imagination are the things I can't experience for one reason or another (a soulful getaway, a happy marriage etc). Developing visions of the things we can experience and need to experience can be a major test. How can you see what you've never experienced before, something altogether new? Sometimes I think it can be about finding people who can see for us, while sharing their vision with us.

[randomxx]

Heya Rising  , and thx v much for the thoughts.

l'm surprised you see the feeling bc l've tried to keep things as light as poss' but your seeing between the lines anyway.

lt's just that usually for me delving , going too deep , it heavies me personally. So when l'm already feeling enough weight as it is hovering away just under the surface, ldk, v often l find it's just best that's just left alone - for me often best just poking the bear .

Directions, a bit the same kinda thing in ways right now- on one hand l feel l'm crazy dropping myself into this uncertainty at this age now, but in another, l don't know how else l could've handled it. Yrs go past so fast, if the band aide wasn't ripped off, it might never bee was my fear.

l'm waiting on those other feelings your talking about, directions from within, that's how l usually work. But they can't work if you allow yourself to feel backed into a corner, not for me anyway. They do their best magic when l just let go and so that's what l've been trying to hold- a letting go, of late, a lightening of loads so to speak.

And it's working , l feel things coming again , finally , well the beginnings anyway sooooo, l'm trying to just do this job here now at the cabin, finish up, not delve too much, browse about, what has to be don and just my thing apart from ,,,,,and we shall see eh.

l hate seeing good businesses finish like that too , so sad for them and their baby that it was, us, their people, everyone, isn't it. lt happens all too often lately , so much closing . This town here still has a 130yr old saddlery shop falling down, the sign's still on the window. There's local pictures of the main street and when that saddlery was still open , horse carriages and buggies and busy people on the dirt main street , beautiful photos, l've seen them of Melbourne and of back then too, a dirt Swanston street, imagine eh. The original butcher shops still here too and their window still with the original sign too. But someone's renovation the house at rear that goes with it.

Yep , missing my kayak but much more. This time last yr my d and l were meeting over at the beach lake, our fav' . lt went on for mths right through Autumn we had so much fun yakking about and lunch and just messing round, just such a beautiful time with her, us. And it';s a very Similar Autumn this yr too, she's moving soon l'm moving soon, it just would've been so beautiful to have had that again this yr , before we both move. Haven't been able to find a new one though, weathers cooling down, colder water, windows will pass, damn it.

But it would've been nice to still have my old one with me after our Murray trips and travels, but hey, l try to chuckle with it too as she's off on her own journey now right and it looks like l am too.

[randomxx]

ps, l should say just not poking the bear.  🤔

[therising]

Hi rx

When it comes to that bear, I think there's that wise part of us that can say to us at times 'Okay, enough of feeling, you need a distraction', so we're led to distraction through action of some kind. The distraction comes as a relief. Seeing that we can feel so much through our nervous system, distraction's not only good for the mind and soul but the body as well.

It's interesting that it's not until now that I consider my 2 meditations for gaining a sense of guidance. While my imagined guides are both completely different, the settings are similar. In my mind, I meet with them in nature (a very natural setting). I think of your love of nature, your kayaking and cabin settings, and I think even in the imagination nature can serve us in ways. I smile when I consider my cliche kind of sage that exists in my imagination. He's like a cross between Dumbledore from Harry Potter and Gandalf from Lord of the Rings 😅

Through a little white picket gate I go in my mind, into my imagination. In there, there's a forest I walk through along a path. And there is my sage's cottage all beautifully lit in the thick of the forest. I knock and am invited in. We chat by either a warm fire or at an old little dining table. I ask questions and am given answers from either what he points to or from sage-like words. I thank him and return the way I came and back out through the gate into reality. I bring something back with me into reality (the revelation I needed). I suppose you could say when things don't come to me, in the way of revelations, I go to them. The imagination's a powerful thing at times. Sometimes I wish I could live there, in my imagination, but it's not reality is it? Living in there also doesn't get things done. We could imagine a cabin or build one in reality. You've done both. You are masterful in the way of imagination and reality combined. Btw, in my imagination I imagine your kayak has found a new person, a little kid who's said to their parent 'Can I keep it?'. And there they are, that little kid, experiencing the joy while loving that kayak. Unbeknown to you, it was a gift that floated away from you. That's what I like to imagine.

When it comes to businesses closing, I found myself crying occasionally throughout COVID lockdowns in Melbourne here. A lot of people lost their baby, the business they raised from conception (born from their imagination). I felt for these people so deeply. As they say, the only constant is life is change. We either go with the flow, like your kayak, or we become stuck feeling like we're going nowhere. I think 'stuck' is meant to feel unpleasant. The feeling forces us to unstick ourself.

[randomxx]

Ah , thx rising , appreciated.

lt is a gorgeous little property here, lovely setting and every tree on it l planted myself except one. People often say how nice it feels here and it really does, has a real calm about it , it's a bit like the land version of the water flowing past the kayak.  l've wished l could pick it up and put it somewhere else.

So sadly though , although it does have that calm , the inner me has problems in letting that just be and work it's thing though bc l just do not like the town here l'm not comfortable here.

So we might be better off with the one in your head ha ha.

Something l always wonder, does your hub know who you are in there and that head of yours, the bb rising ? PS, you can dream all night of whatever you want you know, it just takes a bit of training. Mind you , it is a lot harder sharing a bed than alone.

[therising]

Hi rx

Your place sounds truly beautiful, the way you describe it. Once you've put your final masterful brushstroke to it and eventually sell it (if that's your future wish), I imagine whoever buys it will take great joy in such a masterpiece. I believe our homes serve us in so many ways. We can love them as they provide a sense of comfort through the hard times, love them as we reform them and they reform us in the process and love them as we think of life with them through all the good times. Personally, I don't think I would have evolved into the person I am today if I had moved into any other home, almost 20 years ago. I think we know, deep down, when it's time to part ways. It's that feeling you get, where you just feel a different home is ready to facilitate the next part of your evolution. If I could sell my home to a young family, they would love it as much as I have loved it over the years. I both laugh and feel a little sad at the same time when I say my only way out of my home is through death or divorce. As far as my husband's concerned, he never wants to leave. While he sees no reason to leave, I see many. We simply don't share the same visions, we don't see the same things.

My kids know very well who I am because they developed me into who I am to some degree. If not for them, I would not have come to wonder about so much, imagine so much, open my mind so much, feel for others so much and the list goes on. You know what's kids are like, they're amazing in the ways they raise us, hey. My husband knows me to some degree but he doesn't know me as well as others do. I've wondered why, in the past. Perhaps he simply doesn't feel the need to know. We gotta be able to feel a need before it drives us. Speaking of needs, a year ago or so my 19yo son felt a need to explore lucid dreaming. He had so much fun with it. Only recently he mentioned feeling the compulsion to return to mastering it. I laugh when I think of him telling me how he wanted to fly in his dream while being able to shoot fire balls out of his hands 😂. He managed getting about a metre off the ground and producing some basic sparks from his hands. While I'm a seasoned professional when it comes to daydreaming (been doing it for decades), perhaps I'll try and master some night dreaming 😊. 

[randomxx]

Haaa, nah, it's not that great, not like the movies or something ha ha, but it's quite a nice little spot . Not much mastering going on though either l'm afraid, just trying to get it back to where it was after yet another moron tenant, getting there,

Funny about your son , every young persons dream right, ahhh, so to speak. l don't use it anymore myself just give me a good nights sleep .

Your place sounds like my dream though l would've so loved to have had that with a house , you guys are very lucky. My last one was actually kind of that way really but only 8yrs there and we'd always doubted we'd stay on, great old house though.

[therising]

I think it requires a great imagination to work on a house. Imagining the final outcome is what creates a lot of the drive. What would be the point if we couldn't imagine any difference? Of course, some of the renos or fixes are done out of necessity, as opposed to being fueled by the imagination.

I'm definitely blessed to be living in the house I'm living in. It was a while back when I thought 'I should be more grateful for what I have'. Then I realised I am grateful for so much like not just a shower each morning but a warm one, not just the fact I can flick a switch and have a light in my home come on at night but also the fact I can cool or warm that home with the same electricity I can afford to pay for. So much to be grateful for. What followed my realisation was 'I can be grateful and aim to evolve through and beyond what I'm deeply grateful for'. I met with my realisations during a depressing period. It can be the nature of a depressing period to push us to so much questioning. I think the initial question was 'What's wrong with me, why can't I settle down?'. What came to mind was 'While it's important to settle down at times (be grounded) don't settle too far down to the point of below ground (in a depression). Don't settle for what can feel soul destroying at times'. While there's grounded and below ground, there is also high. It's good to feel the highs in life occasionally 🙂