Depression - life

[randomxx]

Hi to all.

Some will know l've had my ups and downs for sure but l wanted to start this as a new and separate thread bc the old one wound up all about gf ex.

Just for the most that won't know though and happen to drop in, l got rid of of my place 6mths back and went caravaning 51/2 mths, just couldn't deal with another place at the time and just felt like a bloody good break and rest first.

Wasn't sure how l'd feel about it but it wasn't bad and at times really nice just being free for a bit but later 50s there were also the worries of what to do when l get back. Well back now is too my other place it's not really that l had two houses the second one is just a country block with a cabin in a tiny town that l just rent out, never lived there. Well the tenant moved out so that's where l've come back to, l need to fix it up and sell it toward my new place.

This little town this whole thing , not doing me any good at all in this stage of life. l did have to get out of my other place don't regret it it had to be done but it's just been such a huge last 10yrs or so. Divorce and all thenlater on just broken up with later new gf now ex just last yr and now all this and here l am in this place- and then l'll be somewhere else to where l'm thinking of moving to, maybe even building . lf so it'll only be small and minimalist buttt, ldk

Just feel like total bs it's all too much and it's like what in the hell am l even doing especially here right now and at this age but ldk how else l could've done things.l had to get out of my last place, l have to be here to fix up this one and it's somewhere at least to stay, it'll be  a few mths.

Been coming here 20yrs keeping this place up and all the same people are still here couples been together and still here all that time and still sitting in their homes watching tv and doing their lives together.

The total opposite lives to mine and now l;m even single and here doing this and then wherever later restarting again andddd, it's all just sooooo, words l can't use here.

rx

[randomxx]

Getting the weirdness back about being here at the cabin n town, it's all feeling pretty off. lt's just something that has to be done though l suppose just a shame l have to stay here but then after that l don't have a place to return to anyway. That's all feeling v weird again too this wk.

ldk, l did have a plan but that's feeling weird to atm now. l would like to be steady and stable and in my own place again butttt, well, maybe l'll come up with an alternative after this , to the original idea, will have to see, got a few ideas floating around.

Just about over it though, here, l mean when l doing the work itself that parts still very satisfying seeing everything coming back into shape but after that over for the day it's a bit like ok, l wanna go home now.

[randomxx]

Hey er. Well that's great with your place atm then and not feeling rushed about any decisions and just feeling things out around and back in the city and all.

But yeah l love the wkday world it's v different to the wkend world. l often had to go across state for work and stuff too or long trips , always liked that through he wk too.

Anyway, take care

rx

[Eagle Ray]

Dear rx,

It’s understandable feeling weird, especially after leaving your other place where you were a while, then travelling around then finding yourself in a different place. Is there anywhere you can go around there that grounds you? I have a favourite place by the ocean here where I feel very connected even when going through a difficult time and other things feel weird. I wonder if you can find something that feels connecting for you when you’re going through this uncertain time? Like maybe somewhere in nature that’s peaceful?

I can really hear you looking for a sense of home. I don’t know if this helps, but I was feeling really unsettled in my town for quite a while but I am feeling a bit more at peace now. So how you feel can change. In fact things are always transient like that and I’m sure there will be a point at which things feel better again. With me, I still don’t know if I’m meant to be here long term, but I’m more ok at the moment being here for now and I think I’m going to find my way into the right future somehow. I think sometimes just orienting to what matters the most to us in life, kind of focusing on what we know feels right, eventually guides us forward. I don’t know if that makes sense. It probably sounds extremely vague. But trust in yourself. I think we do have our own inner guidance system and sometimes we just become disconnected from it. I’m trying to reconnect with mine which has included remembering the things most important to me, even things I’d forgotten about. I’m going to reconnect with some people in the city I’d lost touch with. I’m kind of finding my way back into life which is a tentative process but just feeling my way.

Not sure if I’m making any sense. But take good care of yourself and you always have a place here if you need to chat.

Take care,

ER

[randomxx]

Thanks er.

And oh yeah , ofc it makes sense that's what we work from isn't it buttttt yaknow, sometimes as l say , the lines can become a little blurry can;t they. Clear gut choices and decisions are always as easy as black and white for me but the blurry grey ones hmmm, those can be tricky can;t they. l do find muddy waters usually clear though it's usually just me over thinking whatever it was, over complicating it.

And yep, ofc, if only l had my kayak lol. Actually l've found a new one now just a bit of picking it up dilemma though as it's in Melb and l can't be bothered going down there right now but l'll prob get there eventually.

Def feel like some home atm though hell yeah you bet buttttt,  it can;t be helped l suppose though at this stage yaknow, this yr was always going to take 12mths.

Funny thing, and now gf ex and l were talking just this morng now too andddd, wellll, l may be heading up to Sydney for a bit after this now , crikey - l'm chuckling. But eh that was only this morng, l shall mull , maybe= maybe not. l'll finish this place and see where l'm at on it then and where we're at you could say too but we had some great ideas- wholeeee nother topic ha ha. Mind you , she is still as unstable as ever, she has severe anxiety you see,  soooo, do l wanna open that door again or not to yaknow, us. Buttttt luckily ha ha, l have to finish this place right now before anything else first of all so l can;t rush off or do anything too stupid anytime soon, save me from myself right - jokin.

And l know yeah l was really pleased for you and the situation there in that way, really good. You said something ldk back when somewhere but l could see you'd found some calm on it all again though there and would probably just let things and choices play out for now, which is best way if we can isn't it eh. So it;s nice to hear and great too then with those friends and some old, too easy to lose that sight sometimes isn't it so that's the go , enjoy.

[randomxx]

At any rate, l am still glad l left the old house , did my trip and all and the cabin now, it has to be done.

lf l still had the old house l'd be just going back there and be scared l'd never move then l'd just put it off, too hard, too easy to just stay there instead but that'd be like just existing then forever on. 8yrs was enough of a try.

My d came yesterday we had some great talk, about her stuff and mine, she reckons better l finally left too even if a bit awkward for awhile now. Earlier gf ex n l talked about it all too ha, and whatever way it goes she does think better l finally left too. l'm feeling a bit better about things now and the property here is looking great too now and really coming back into shape so l'm feeling really wrapped about that too . So much stress relief getting that damn tenant out of here finally too tell you what, never again.

rx

[Eagle Ray]

Hi rx,

I think that's so true what you say about muddy waters clearing. I totally relate to overthinking things and then realising it is actually clearer than I was able to see.

I'm really glad you are feeling a bit better about things and it sounds like speaking with your daughter and x gf has helped clarify things, like the decision to leave your old place, do the travelling and be where you are now. As you say, you can focus on what you're doing now and things should become clearer in time. There's no pressure. With your ex gf's anxiety, you may find too that you can see ways of supporting her going forwards too, in a way that is also healthy for you. I don't know, because I'm not in the situation. But I figure, when there is a strong enough connection things can have a way of working out/manifesting, and if it isn't quite right things can unfold that way too. But it sounds like you at least have a good life of communication with her and that is a good thing. It's good if you can share your thoughts and feelings with her.

Take care and thank you for your kind thoughts too. All the best,

ER

[randomxx]

Thx er .

Not like l go round laying my crap on everyone but my d is such a little woman and we talk about all sorts of stuff but whatever l do also concerns her too ofc so.

Gf ex well, we have been ex 12mths now but still talk a bit and yeah, we can talk about anything. Usually a lot more her stuff than mine poor thing has her hands full but also any of both too, we can talk about anything. She didn't want me to leave my other place though actually butttt eh, she was ex at the time sooooo.

Lucky enough to also having a couple of brother top mates too we also yarn about anything and everything over a few beers, funnily we're all in similar situations and changes right now.

Hbu , friends or family you all enjoy bouncing things about with or? Anyway all the best with everything and with a bit of luck things will fall nicely where they may hey.

[randomxx]

Mind you , gf ex is the only one really where we'd actually talk about mh , depression, anxiety and stuff, or around here at BB.  She actually likes talking about it all it kind of helps her get through but she's also an incredible support if l ever need it too.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey rx,

I’m off to the city tomorrow and trying to organise myself, so I’ll respond better to you when I have some space. But really hope your week goes well and I’ll reply properly soon.

Take care,

ER

[randomxx]

Morng er and thx for that.

But ahh, no problemo not really bothering much here myself of late, so probably should've just stuck with my old thread considering anyway although we''ve all mostly moved on so l thought best let that one fizzle. Have though it might even be healthy and probably time l stopped scribbling down my rubbish anyway been thinking , don't even think it helps v much tbh -do you have a thread somewhere?

Enjoy your time away anyway hey, have a nice time and forget the bs for awhile.

rx