Depression - life

[randomxx]

Hi to all.

Some will know l've had my ups and downs for sure but l wanted to start this as a new and separate thread bc the old one wound up all about gf ex.

Just for the most that won't know though and happen to drop in, l got rid of of my place 6mths back and went caravaning 51/2 mths, just couldn't deal with another place at the time and just felt like a bloody good break and rest first.

Wasn't sure how l'd feel about it but it wasn't bad and at times really nice just being free for a bit but later 50s there were also the worries of what to do when l get back. Well back now is too my other place it's not really that l had two houses the second one is just a country block with a cabin in a tiny town that l just rent out, never lived there. Well the tenant moved out so that's where l've come back to, l need to fix it up and sell it toward my new place.

This little town this whole thing , not doing me any good at all in this stage of life. l did have to get out of my other place don't regret it it had to be done but it's just been such a huge last 10yrs or so. Divorce and all thenlater on just broken up with later new gf now ex just last yr and now all this and here l am in this place- and then l'll be somewhere else to where l'm thinking of moving to, maybe even building . lf so it'll only be small and minimalist buttt, ldk

Just feel like total bs it's all too much and it's like what in the hell am l even doing especially here right now and at this age but ldk how else l could've done things.l had to get out of my last place, l have to be here to fix up this one and it's somewhere at least to stay, it'll be  a few mths.

Been coming here 20yrs keeping this place up and all the same people are still here couples been together and still here all that time and still sitting in their homes watching tv and doing their lives together.

The total opposite lives to mine and now l;m even single and here doing this and then wherever later restarting again andddd, it's all just sooooo, words l can't use here.

rx

[randomxx]

Oh , shyt, that sort of stuff would really be pushing it for me. l often use to think ok then well, if things start turning on and off of moving about , l'm outa here.

Ha they were they days l often miss those times, so much simpler and l really miss papers and ads. l suppose you know, all this now is sort of better but it also brings a crazy with it.

But anyway thanks for the wishes too er, v appreciated. You know, it's been over 6mths now. Brother came over the other day his only 45 from here, still sayin l'm a lucky bugger, it's weird isn't. He actually wants to do this to now he's even looking for a van. D also got over again, so nice. Thing was though, both asked how l was feeling, ready to go back to the real world yet?

lt really got me thinking- what so soon, already, how bizarre, l'm not ready - will l ever be ready, really don't feel like the real world again, not yet anyway, all that crap and a new place and hassles and reality and stressors and ra ra ra, crikey. what the !!!

Live on million dollar views free, wake up hmmm, what will l do today ha, whatever l want - hmmm, now that's more like it.No house or real world or alllll the bs we don't even realize we live that go with it all, wth do we do to ourselves - none of that round here just my little home on wheels and simplicity at it's finest until further notice ha ha.

l'll prob wake up one day and wanna put down roots again, dk, still a bit soon yet though know that much. Maybe when if my cabin sells, and my investments ready, l'll feel like it then, will see.

Funny , met a girl the other day parked across from me, she's been vanning 4yrs. We talked about all sorts of crapola , coulda really gone for her to if only she'd be the sort to look after herself better. Got me thinking though if l'd met the right one in this situation, maybe we'd just buy a bigger van and just keep on trackin.

rx

[Eagle Ray]

Hi rx,

Although it was startling to begin with, I actually found the recorder turning on and off weirdly comforting. It really felt like my loved one communicating in some way. Things haven't actually moved about though. If that happened, I think I would be freaked out 😲

I think what you are doing right now sounds good for you from what you've described, so at this point if it doesn't feel the right time to go back to the "real world" then I think it makes sense to keep going as you are until such time that it does. I also question the idea of the "real world" as I think we are so conditioned about how we are supposed to live. But if you can find something that suits you and makes you the most happy, that seems like the way to go. As you say, you will get a sense when it might be time to put down roots again. Who knows, maybe you will meet someone else on the road and go off travelling together. You certainly see couples doing that who are really living the life and happy.

er

[randomxx]

Yeah , not too worried about any of that stuff def' not at the moment anyway.Few mths time maybe but it's a whenever right now.

Funny really , went through a lot of ups and downs emotionally admittedly doing this earlier you wonder if you should be back on the horse or doing this doing that but lately it's just been damn nice, simple as that, Matter of fact if l liked the heat l'd probably go sit up in Broome for awhile.

How have things been going for you lately anyway, hope it's rolling along ok.?

[therising]

Hi rx and Eagle Ray

I have to say I find your posts inspirational and have reached the conclusion that intuition is developed through experience. With you both being intuitive people, with such a variety of experiences, I regard you both as having graduated time and time again to higher and higher levels of intuition 🙂. Such a shame how, if life, some graduation comes through hardship or forms of torment at times. Eliminating self doubt is definitely a part of the test, in the lead up to graduating to higher levels of intuition and self trust.

Rx, I love your free-styling attitude, having now completed renovations. All the best with the sale of the property, btw. I hope you receive more than enough from the sale with which to fulfill your next goal. Driving around and just feeling the best places to stop is the dream of many. You're living the dream while connecting with a variety of personalities. I imagine some of the conversations would be fascinating and amusing. You could write a book, 'Tales Of a Traveling Intuitive' 😁

When it comes to readings, I see a guy who's been nothing but positively mind altering for me over the years. I go to see him once every handful of years. You could say he's my seer when I just can't see the way forward. First time I ever met him, I was heading back into a very dark place. I'd left long term depression (of 15 or so years) behind me and some months later I could feel myself heading back there again. I was incredibly down and scared of returning to that dark place, while fearing my freedom from depression was going to be short lived. He told me what he saw, which was something along the lines of 'You've chosen a path that not everyone is going to approve of. You have people throwing mud and shit all over you. You need to learn to stay on that path while you wash off the mud. It's your path. Don't come off it just to please others. What you're feeling is yourself coming off the path that brings you joy and a sense of fulfillment'. I smile when I say that suddenly I began sobbing uncontrollably. Apparently he'd hit the mark. Heading home, I stopped at a set of lights. While waiting for the light to turn green, I looked over to my right to find a large billboard for washing powder which read 'WASH OFF THE MUD'. To say that I was amused is an understatement. I laughed out loud. I believe life offers 2 types of coincidence, basic and meaningful. We get to decide which one it is that we're facing. With meaningful, there's a little bit of magic in that 😊

[randomxx]

Hi there rising and thx for the kind words.

Tbh though , l've never been interested in developing intuition it's always been there v strongly for me even as a kid mum and dad both saw it. Like l've never had to do anything it'll just sing out when needed but mind you. l did go through timeS in 20s and even much later realizing l needed to except that it's usually right. That's still hard to go with even now sometimes and that listening to it rather than hearing it but still going against it bc maybe l liked the alternative better or something usually costs me. Hence some bad choices where l'd just hope it was wrong ha ha.

l hate the stuff mostly though tbh, bc the good old fashion pros and cons and logic of any situation is something black and white that you can usually just do and l prefer it.

Mind you again, have been a few times through life where l've needed it too butttt, can't hear it.

Living the dream ha, funny but l hear that a lot and although there's been some ups and downs and doubts emotionally earlier yeah, lately, it ain't a half way to go l can say , not too bad at all.l've met a few that admit they can't go back, think l'd like to though down the track.

On the other hand you talk about paths and not everyone approving of yep getting a bit of that too coming back of late. Some family and what have you that we haven't spoken in yrs yet they seem to think l'm doing this for all the wrong reasons and have no clue basically it seems. l would've thought it's pretty simple stuff actually seems half the population dream of it and given the slog life can be these days buttttt, apparently not.

Anyway , forget the noise if poss l say.

rx

[Eagle Ray]

Hi rx and the rising,

I can relate to the whole balancing thing between good old fashioned pros and cons (e.g. rational brain) and listening in to intuitive guidance which can contradict the seemingly rational option. My whole life seems like an attempt to balance those two things at times.

The rising, I really liked your story about the guy telling you that you were feeling yourself come off the path that others thought you should be on, and that was where the turmoil was coming from. I have found the greatest suffering often occurs just before a breakthrough and the tension is often around what I think I "should" be doing versus what some deep part of myself knows is right for me. I think it can be those moments where something sets us sobbing, as you say, that we know it has hit a truth in us. We just know.

The challenge I sometimes find is there are situations where it is not clear cut. I'm trying to learn that in those situations I just have to do my best and trust in what seems like it will bring the greatest probability of a good or helpful outcome. And if it doesn't work out, well I tried and learned something along the way.

Rx, I imagine Broome would be quite nice from about now onwards. Late autumn, winter and early spring seem to be the times to be up there. I've never been that far north myself but I think it would definitely be one of the interesting towns in Australia to spend time in - quite a unique place with an interesting multicultural history. I had relatives who lived up there over many years but never got there myself.

I'm going along ok. I restarted particular medication a week and a half ago and it has really helped. It is profoundly linked to hormones for me. I was descending back into a pretty awful place so it is a relief to feel more normal and stable again. I'm heading up in a couple of days to petsit with a fluffy cat again and will catch up with some friends in the city. I have some project ideas too and working out which one(s) to follow. The fact I feel able to tackle some projects as opposed to just surviving is a good sign. I've got at least some get up and go to do things.

Rx, I think it's good you are following your instincts and if you can find a way to take a break and get some space from things as you have, that is a great thing to do. A lot of people never get off the treadmill, but if you can facilitate that and get some perspective it can re-orient you in life and at the very least give you the enjoyment of exploring options and possibilities that may not otherwise see the light of day. I feel like just that journey in itself is meaningful and I think the fact you have been enjoying things of late, just being where you are, that is a good sign.

I really hope you've both been having a lovely weekend!

[randomxx]

Hi there er . Glad things have been a bit better and meds, incredible aren't they in that the difference they make goods or bads. Saw so much of it in gf ex.

Really hear you on the listening thing, been doing a bit of that lately myself, got a funny one about all that in a minute. - l don't usually need to this is v strange that l do  especially about such big things buttt, alls quiet in there of late l'm afraid, nothin , nada, zilcho.

But here's one for ya on the logical ways, pros and cons, not to mention fingers doing the walking again.

l don't even know what l was doing - not much just googling around l think but somehow l wound up coming across stats about renting as we get older, owning, units, houses, males females , happiness, health , all kinds of stuff in some Oz study they've been doing.

Exactly , exactly , all the stuff l've been thinking about. Even up in Sydney at gf ex's, staying up at her unit was always a sideline experiment for me bc l'd go from my place at home work never ended and always hanging over your head to just having all the time in the world up there and not worrying about anything much at all and what a beautiful change it always was too. And she only rents it to boot so she doesn't have to do a damn thing to it anyway either so l've really wondered about all that angle too. Wasn't a bad life at all in a lot of ways, really got me thinking what next after my place- Half the reason l went and did this, to think. Had lots of convos with people even brother just yesterday he's wondering all the same now too and wants to sell. His gf's in a unit down town to as compare to his 1 ac regional place- same as mine , lots of work.

Low and behold, this study covered all that kind of stuff, especially as we get older and who and what sort of situations and environments were people happiest , healthiest, more at peace and much more it was bloody great l couldn't believe l tripped over it.

lt's answered all the stuff l've been mulling over 3yrs now - all just right there in good old black and white.

So there ya go eh.

Anywayyyy, well l hope you enjoy some more down town er hey.

rx

[therising]

Hi rx and Eagle Ray

Rx, you've helped me answer a question that's been churning around in my head for a while, 'Am I an unreasonable person for wanting to move houses?'. Apparently rather typical, by the sound of it. I think we can outgrow a place that may have served us well for a number of years. That says something about us, hey. To outgrow something indicates we've developed in a number of ways. When we outgrow something, it then becomes a question of 'Is staying here actually stopping me from developing further in some way?'. I can understand why people choose to rent or downsize; they're not regularly covering the costs of a house that's basically a money pit. They're free to spend the money on other stuff in life.

I'm glad your parents didn't condition you out of your intuitive nature. Some adults tend to do this with kids. Instead of learning from kids, when it comes to developing this ability, they tend to shut it down and lead a child to live a life of self doubt and/or suppression and mental torment to some degree. I tend to encourage it in own kids, as well as other people in my life. Of course, you gotta be careful who you say 'Listen to the voice in your head' to. Encouraging hearing 'voices', even if it's the voice of intuition, is not the done thing in certain circles. A little too 'woo woo' for some 😁

Eagle Ray, I know what you mean by when you can feel the truth about something or when something feels right. I'm still trying to master it but some feelings can be overwhelmingly undeniable. They're the easy ones to feel. It's the subtle ones that I struggle with the most. I think that sometimes it's about intuition being up against some really ingrained belief systems (that have got to change). Kind of like if society or friends or family members have always led us to believe 'You're a horrible person if you do this...' and intuition is screaming 'You have got to do this, for your own good', it can be a tough one to work through. I'm in the process of researching developing intuition. I figure if I can find some 'fast trackers', people who are more familiar with the ins and outs of it (including the blocks), I'm not moving down my track or path in life at a tormenting snail's pace. And, yes, I love pure logic too. It's a relief when pure logic simply comes to mind, without having to feel anything. Feeling so much gets way too exhausting at times. With pure logic, it offers the freedom to not have to feel a damn thing. Yay 🎉

I'm glad you've found some really helpful chemistry to help balance things out. With depression traditionally being regarded as a 'mental health issue', it takes a brilliant GP or specialist to wonder about and investigate chemical factors (imbalances, deficiencies etc) that can contribute to depression. We're definitely complex creatures, a mix of what relates to the mind, the body and nature or the soul.

[randomxx]

Hey rising , and thx for that.

But don't worry your not alone it's a really really common dilemma at our ages all the housing and lifestyle stuff.

I always found this one really weird for example though . Up in my old area it started to become a bit of a retirement thing and there was a real this last few yrs.

People were coming up and buying coastal blocks and views they could get 1/4 the price of Melb or lower down Great Ocean rd, with a beautiful town and easy going lifestyle and that part ok l get butttt. They're all building these monster bloody 2 and 3 story houses , huge but most of them were in their later 50s say and into older 60s even 70s. l'd think wth you gonna do with those monstrosities, and who's gonna clean it and look after it, bloody hell and the older ones they'll only be in it a few yrs it'll be too much next minute they'll be looking for a unit.

Was a really weird thing to watch. l kayaked all along the river mouth just over from all these estates popping up all over and l'd see all the owners coming and going and see em round town.

But l dunno, me, makes no sense. l actually want simplicity, minimal, small and nice, comfy and easy living. We've had renos and small ac places right through, big houses, l use to love it but lately l see how much work it all was and it's like on l've had my fun, sick of it now though.

Parents well , me l've never excepted parents as any excuse in life like not in an upbringing sense anyway. When l got to 19-20, l'd though l'll take the goods with me but from here on l'm the boss l do my thing.

l was lucky though in that at the same time we had great parents. Dad was on one hand some kind of genius , businesses and hobby farms and huge projects going on mum on the other hand was calming and simple . They were the odd couple really but for me l saw it as a nice mix parent wise. Although l often wished dad was just a normal man, person, dad, like mates dads, he was a good man though, person, dad, among all the chaos in everything he had going on.

Always knew not what l wanted to be though.

When you talked about your house earlier l envied you and your family. l've always thought that's how we about feel about out home and have for our kids. But at the same time l can well understand out growing it too later on and wanting a change.

rx

[Eagle Ray]

Hi rx and therising,

The rising, I laughed at your description of going down life's path at a tormenting snail's pace, even though I know that is technically not fun 🐌 But I can relate to it as I can see ways I was stuck for years or only moving incrementally. I agree, it is truly wonderful when we encounter people who help fast track us along. As for the "voice hearing" you mention, I have just come out of two months of an altered state of consciousness induced by hormonal changes. I've slowly been learning how this is what happens to some women when estradiol levels fall. Previous hormonal crashes have been horribly dark, but the last episode (except for the bit at the end which I've corrected by returning to hormone meds) was actually quite self-healing. Part of that was having the sense of external presence, talking with that presence, and unfolding visions which were either entirely healing or became so even after some dark element came in. The visions were linked with past trauma for me, but it was astounding how it all unfolded in a healing way. So hearing voices, hallucinating etc can have profound healing elements. There is a fantastic TED talk by Eleanor Longden on schizophrenia entitled "The Voices in my Head" which so clearly explains how it can be part of how the psyche is trying to heal itself, and it is often the way society and the medical profession respond to voice hearing that cause the process to go off track. In her case her voices only became harmful after others reacted with fear and negativity that she was having them, leading to a downward spiral. She eventually understood it was past trauma trying to resolve. She fully recovered, qualified as a psychologist and now works in the field. Anyway, I am fascinated by intuition in all its manifestations and I would not disregard a person who hears voices, but instead try to understand the meaning for the person. The last couple of months has been an interesting exercise for me, working to balance my intuitive and logical sides, which I think can actually work together.

Rx, that sounds great the study you came across that looks at all those elements of living that make us the happiest, healthiest etc. In a way it's like you are doing a study of your own, discovering what is meaningful in life, what makes you happy etc. You could write articles about it! 

The people buying coastal blocks and putting ginormous houses on them, even though it's their retirement pad, is something I see around here. You wonder how many people are in those places and I'm guessing it might often just be two. Then quite a few of them are only occupied in the summer months or over the Easter break, and vacant and boarded up much of the rest of the time. It seems strange. There are some cute little cottage places around here too and I would prefer one of those little cottages any day over the giant mansions. They are much more homely and would be so much easier to take care of with cleaning etc.

Your parents sound like a good balance rx, like you got a good mix through both of them. Your dad sounds creative, inventive etc and your mum like she was the grounding, calming influence. I think a mix of those traits can be a good thing.

I might go out in the sun a bit now while it's still up. It's been the most stunningly beautiful, sunny day here.

Bye for now,

ER