Depression - life

[randomxx]

Hi to all.

Some will know l've had my ups and downs for sure but l wanted to start this as a new and separate thread bc the old one wound up all about gf ex.

Just for the most that won't know though and happen to drop in, l got rid of of my place 6mths back and went caravaning 51/2 mths, just couldn't deal with another place at the time and just felt like a bloody good break and rest first.

Wasn't sure how l'd feel about it but it wasn't bad and at times really nice just being free for a bit but later 50s there were also the worries of what to do when l get back. Well back now is too my other place it's not really that l had two houses the second one is just a country block with a cabin in a tiny town that l just rent out, never lived there. Well the tenant moved out so that's where l've come back to, l need to fix it up and sell it toward my new place.

This little town this whole thing , not doing me any good at all in this stage of life. l did have to get out of my other place don't regret it it had to be done but it's just been such a huge last 10yrs or so. Divorce and all thenlater on just broken up with later new gf now ex just last yr and now all this and here l am in this place- and then l'll be somewhere else to where l'm thinking of moving to, maybe even building . lf so it'll only be small and minimalist buttt, ldk

Just feel like total bs it's all too much and it's like what in the hell am l even doing especially here right now and at this age but ldk how else l could've done things.l had to get out of my last place, l have to be here to fix up this one and it's somewhere at least to stay, it'll be  a few mths.

Been coming here 20yrs keeping this place up and all the same people are still here couples been together and still here all that time and still sitting in their homes watching tv and doing their lives together.

The total opposite lives to mine and now l;m even single and here doing this and then wherever later restarting again andddd, it's all just sooooo, words l can't use here.

rx

[randomxx]

Sometimes we have to block out the noise er to just focus on the beginning and just that first one or two steps at a time.

Yeah l'd imagine wa would get a lot of areas with that sort of Autumn too being the dryish climate it is. Over at my house Autumn was the nicest time of yr to me, during earlier yrs there. Different to here where l am but beautiful days. Was amazing though the change in it all,  just a few short yrs there and by the time l left seasons were nothing like they were in the first few yrs.

[randomxx]

Few things going on atm , mentally, thoughts, life, this. l just don't bloody know sometimes. Logically speaking, it's the way to go right now so why not just except it and roll with it, bide time and enjoy right.People tell me how lucky l am having this choice over and over. Even just yesterday talking to this older guy, 85,fit as a fiddle. Said God l've always wanted to do what your doing but best he'd managed was just a few wks away at a time, there was always work, family, his wife , always something. And so once again here l am lucky me right.

So many ups and downs emotionally though. l did get a bit of news through the wk, money wise and an investment it's in. l thought about now l'd be in the position to have a choice, start looking for a new place. But, turns out now best if l still give it another 3 or 4mths it'll hopefully make a massive difference financially. So unless my cabin sells meantime , if that went l could get started asap but can't bank on that especially as l had a little run in with the RE.

ldk it's bloody hard to trust /like those guys but for one thing his fee is really high, higher than the others. Excepted that but then l get some letter demanding a grand up from on top of it, didn't mention some 1k fee in advance. l lost it a bit and emailed him pretty pissed. Anyway, on that one, he reckons it was a mistake.

But meantime so now l've ruffled the vibe between us a bit, for nothing.

Secondly though he's had low ball offers and he tries talking me into just talking one of those. But they're so far under ask it'd be crazy. Apparently that's one of their tricks bc they still get their fee.

l said no way the ask is more than fair l want to hold out for ball park around that.

Few more feathers ruffled so hoping he's not pissed off now and just puts it in the draw so to speak. But l am worried bc l really want and need it just gone.

But anyway , what it all adds up to is that really, l'm better off just going on as is for at least a few more mths but the trouble is l'm atm getting a bit sick of it and the life and getting a bit down about it lately. Although l just badly wanted some just time out of life and stresses, it's been 6mths now and l'm really starting to miss having a base a home and just a life again, l'd just like to be done now and getting back into the next step.

Makes no sense going over to new area and renting something for probably only 3 or 4mths - too much expense and trouble for only 3 or 4 mths when l can do this for free with no pressures . Well , unless  found jsut a room or some sort of just walk into thing , no setting up. Still cost a fortune though when l can live free like this and l'm trying not to blow too much.

rx

[randomxx]

Just thought l'd be having the choice about now though time wise thought l'd only have to bide 4 or 5mths but could be closer to 12 butttt, atm l'm feeling pretty done.

Anyway, talking to gf ex through wk , God wth am l doing. We just talk so damn well, feel the same about everything , have all the same views butttt, she's an emotional roller coaster with her mh , anxiety and depression, on offs.

l realize now though she does still love me deep down, no doubt about it. Hence how emotional and lovey she ends up getting when we do talk and l do myself too l admit bc  of the way we just talk and te just "us" , we're often just like twin souls l swear, even still now.

Anywayyyy, she reckons l should go over to new area and just get some sort of a start now there. Knows me so well and sees l'm ready. thing is , a slight twist though. Later she says, maybe l can come down and stay for awhile when your ready . You can't know how huge that was for her even thinking about in her state but yet here she is , offering suggesting. Even though on one hand it was no surprise l know we've both been unspokenly still thinking about it but her courage just blows my mind, always had, l call her wonder women you wouldn't believe some of the things she's done, especially through Covid.

Buttttt , anyway , on the other hand it also opens some confusion too now again ofc and what ifs and blah blah.

l mean it might not even happen anyway , or maybe l meet someone- or she does, who knows bc it could be a ways off yet even if it did happen and atm we aren't in but not quite out either so it's not like there's a commitment atm and in her state she's so up and down on off that l couldn't allow to think that way either bc next minute anyway she'd turn round too sick to manage it and be saying she can't come now anyway.

Mind you , if she did come down later on though well thennnn, we could see where we're really at if that was to happen butttt, unless it did, until then , ldk.

lt's just best if l can just go on with things and be open to life in general.

All l have to do know is make a big sign in big block letters and stick it on a wall somewhere to keep reminding myself that right.

rx

[Eagle Ray]

Hi rx,

I do understand about feeling a bit frustrated with the real estate agent. Getting the balance right between making the sale and getting a price you are happy with can be tricky, and as you say they get their cut no matter what so it's of less consequence to them if it doesn't sell for as much as you are hoping for. As far as ruffling feathers go, I think real estate agents would deal with people all the time who are anxious to sell above a certain price and want to push for that. I suspect they mostly have pretty thick skins. So I wouldn't worry too much about his feathers being ruffled. I do understand about wanting it gone and it will feel much better when it's done and dusted. Is there perhaps a timeframe you can give yourself that you want to sell it by and if not achieved by then you can drop down marginally in what you are willing to accept? So stick with your current ballpark for a certain amount of time and then reconsider with a bit of compromise if you start feeling desperate to just have it sold?

I understand too it's feeling all a bit uncertain in terms of not having a definitive home and being mobile. It's like there are pros and cons both ways. I guess again maybe you can give yourself a timeframe for holding out and staying on the road. Like yo will do it for this many more months max after which you'll settle somewhere? I get that it's hard being in those betwixt and between states and it can feel a bit paralysing at times, like what to do next. Perhaps continuing to focus on exploring where your new home might be would help?

I can hear the confusion too regarding the future and your ex gf. I can only think that as you say it's just a case of staying open and seeing how things go. As far as her mh issues go, I guess it comes down to how it impacts you and also her ability to take responsibility for managing the things she deals with. I think when there is mutual love and support you can go on a journey together and get through, but there has to be a balance I guess where you are there for each other and one person isn't carrying all the load of the other's challenges. It sounds like you are very fond of her on the one hand but bothered by the mh challenges on the other. I guess if she is someone who works to self-care and really loves and wants to support you in your life, and you in hers, then it may work out. If you did get back together you could try couples counselling if you were both open to it to try to work out the balance. I think sensitive and open communication is often the key to these things. Such communication often helps to clarify these things too, such as whether a relationship has the potential to go forwards.

I know all this stuff is hard to juggle and work out. No wonder you are feeling a bit unsettled with it all. But hang in there and listen in to yourself and enjoy the present moment too. Take care,

ER

[randomxx]

Thx v much for the thoughts er , v appreciated.

Yeah l spose your right these agents would come across all of it mine would be probably pretty tame compared to some. Just hope he still has the moo for my place now really.

But yeah , figured the same. Maybe see where it's at in 2 -3mths and what he thinks if it's still around. l'd be willing to adjust the price then if needed but only a few wks in is way too soon imo especially considering he's had heaps of interest.

Gf ex, yeah . Tis a tricky one. She's such a giving soul there's no doubt in that one but she can be a bit stubborn with her mh and ways she handles it tbh. Even meds she was taking last time while we were together, knows they just messed her  up and l could see it all she couldn't even sleep not only though they actually exasperated her anxiety to double buttttt, no no no , 18mths later and at a huge expense to us she admits ok, l better get off them- ha, really !

She can be weird like that . Lots of other things she does mh wise too that l can see very clearly from the outside but oh no no no. Often she'll turn round 6mths later and do exactly what l've been suggesting that was so obvious day one.

So she can be a bit of a rascal like that but problems been bc they're often messing her up it usually messes us up too so when she digs her heels in , just because , it can be a bit of a tassel. Apart from that she's the most brilliant partner you'd even find mostly but that stuff can really take a toll.

Mind you though , often l look back and see so much l could've handled differently too and knowing how she works , if as you've suggested , great tip, btw too thx for that , but if l'd probably just been a bit gentler and more sensitive instead of letting things boil over first, it'd make a huge difference l think looking back, especially with the way she'd respond . l'd be willing to give it a shot for sure .

Time wise and this now yeah l've had a time frame roughly but open too encase l really got to like it might travel further and bla bla. But if not yeah , 6mths would've done me which is where l'm at now. So yeah , heading over to the new area l think now, next wk maybe, start browsing about . Thinking now as is right now, l'd like to find a base round there somewhere and just get started.

rx

[Eagle Ray]

Hey rx,

The med thing with mh can be tricky. Often drs recommend a particular approach but it's definitely the case that people can respond very differently to the same med and it sounds like that wasn't the right one for your ex gf. In recent times I had drs repeatedly trying to push certain antidepressants onto me when I knew the deepest thing affecting me was hormonal. It's taken a bit of adjustment, but the hormone meds I'm on are what really helps and they are directly treating the cause. Whereas antidepressants would have been treating the symptoms and probably had unwanted side effects. They can be the right thing, but the various ones can have different effects for different people. I was on one for almost 20 years that's also used for pain and I finally managed to come off it, and my mind feels clearer and my body lighter since. It made me feel slow and heavy, like it was harder to think and move myself. So it definitely helped in certain ways yet had other not so good effects.

Sometimes it's working with other underlying causes too. So for me, I've done quite a lot of somatic processing with my psychologist for past trauma. It's ongoing work because there's a lot to process, but it has been effective in moving me through stages rather than staying stuck and I've progressively been releasing stuff from the past. So I don't know your ex gf's history, but sometimes thinking out of the box and doing quite a bit of research can help to connect with what works. It's like finding what works for her.

All the best exploring the new area! I hope you see some places that you like.

ER

[randomxx]

Yeah right , big believer in prevention is better than cure or say the cause as your saying can often be tackled and should be first.

Just wondering why did you stay on that med 20yrs ?

Gf ex, she's been through a lot which is half the reasons and so causes but only some of that could be helped atm , the rest , maybe the right meds could help, ldk. She's been on so many says none of them help or have side effects even worse as your saying . Read a lot of that.

Me for example and the title, the cause is just life itself and so l'm one of the lucky ones really bc l know it and so if l can get that back into a happier more content place well- working on it.

l'm sorry you've had such a long slog of it , 20yrs is a long time and l hope like myself you can find some peace and maybe a few smiles too hey. Don't worry though gf ex ha, she's like me, wouldn't even know what a box looked like ha ha, never takes any notice of the doctors anyway , or the shrinks 

Shame she couldn't find one in her nationality though that'd really help as she's pretty hard to understand if you don't know her.

Think l should touch base with the agent , l dunno , hopefully help clear the air a little ?

l wouldn't just yet but was thinking in a wk or two, l dunno.

At any rate yeah could change my mind ha ha but been thinking l will head over to the new area next wk . Kinda feeling exited about it now , l know l've been side stepping it there have been reasons though. like the financial things, and feeling more ready to go back to reality which l hadn't earlier.  Been a bit of a shift though just of late and l think l can face the music now.

Have a nice wkend eh, and thks er.

rx

[randomxx]

Keep worrying l've killed of the agents mojo. He was really keen but ldk. That letter for a bloody k upfront, which he told me later was a computer error hmmm, dk about that one. Gf and l both think like so many other companies out there trying to rip us off, youknow, they'll send their so called computer errors out to 1000s of people and even if only 50% of them just pay it without complaint they've made a few extra million . Ph and power companies are famous for that trick, maybe RE's too right it just pissed me off.

But then trying to nudge me into taking an offer almost half the ask too l mean wth.

l didn't abuse him, or the company as such or accuse but l was pretty blunt about things.

Anyway, just hope he's still on the job.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi rx,

The med I was on for almost 20 years was given to try to manage extreme pain along with another med. I had to keep upping the dose to mask the pain sufficiently (with drs support) and it took it up into the range where it would have been acting as an antidepressant as well as pain med (it’s used for both). Due to the extreme debilitation from the pain I stayed on it, otherwise I was literally unable to walk or function to do anything. But over the years the pain has improved a great deal and I began to reduce it in 2020, then further in 2022 and came off it all together last year.

You could just send a message to the agent if you thought it might clear the air, just explaining that the letter came as a bit of a shock. It’s hard knowing what’s going on sometimes isn’t it. You want to think it’s all above board and they are being straight up with you, but it’s a sad thing that in this world we do sometimes have to look out for our own interests and just make sure we’re not being taken for a ride. I think the main thing if you contact him about it is just to maintain a calm and professional demeanour yourself. Sometimes just doing that keeps them on the straight and narrow. So if you seem composed they kind of have to respect your professional approach which encourages them to be respectful and professional. I think just clear, calm, assertive communication can help. So not either becoming angry/reactive nor passive/compliant, but just clearly setting out your preferences for the sale. Would even just having a quick chat with him in person help, just to clear the air as you say? Not sure if any of that helps, but I hope it all settles and maybe you might be more assured he’s on the job if you have a chat and things feel out on the open?

Anyway, take care and I hope you’re at least enjoying some nice weather and have a good day,

ER

[randomxx]

Gees well done er , 20yrs , that's a long time your body wouldn't know what's going on would it coming off them.

But anyway yeah , hopefully we'll touch base for an offer or something soon anyway with a bit of luck so l'll be able to fell out the vibe then and lighten things up if needed . Don't really have an excuse to call him atm so l think l'll let it ride for now.

Have a good one- gorgeous day here.

rx