Chronic Depression

[M-aggie]

I dont want to be alive anymore, im tired. Everyday Im trying to convince myself life is good and worth living but it's a constant struggle. Im having bad dreams more often and I have trouble falling asleep. I often think that I'm a bad person, that I'm rude and dumb. I want so badly to contribute something to society but I dont think I ever will, Im not special, I don't have talents. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi M-aggie,

We want to first thank you for being so open and honest about your exprerience with chronic depression.

We can't imagine it would have been easy to share but you showed how strong you are by sharing anyway. Thank you for doing that, M-aggie.

It can be an incredibly difficult headspace to be in when you express not wanting to be alive anymore, along with the constant struggle of convincing yourself that life is worth living. The bad dreams can make getting good quality sleep even more challenging. We hear how difficult it has been for you.

Your feelings are valid. Please know that you matter, there is good yet to come and your life is worth living even if you may not see it right now. 

M-aggie, if you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important to take immediate steps to keep safe. Lifeline offer crisis support, available 24/7 on 13 11 14, or online: https://www.lifeline.org.au/  

If you’d prefer to reach out to us, we’re on 1300 22 4636, or you can use our webchat here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/  

If there’s ever an immediate risk of harm, the number to call is 000 (triple zero).   

You don't have to go through this alone. We are here for you and so are our wonderful online community. Thank you again for sharing. We hope you find comfort in the safe and supportive space our online community provide.

With kindness,

Sophie M

 

[Guest_10472]

sophie m gave such kind advice. I really like reading her message. I have phone life line recently & found it so calming & validating. I also write down how awful I'm feeling. It seems to help me. I write pages! I understand your thoughts I too have them. Sending you a virtual hug. 

[therising]

Hi M-aggie

I feel so much for you as you face the pure exhaustion that can be found within a depression. It can be brutal and unrelenting and the longer it goes on for the more you start to forget what life was like when the energy was there. If 'life' is the feeling of energy running through us, to not feel that energy can leave us thinking 'What's the point? Why am I even here?'.

Personally, I think we're here to discover who we are and who we're not. We're here to discover how we work. We're here to discover what raises us and what brings us down, what energises us and what zaps the life from us or depresses us. We're here for a whole number of reasons. It can take a lifetime to come to truly know ourself. As a 55yo gal, I have some self understanding but am yet to reach a full understanding. 

M-aggie, I've found a lot comes down to what I imagine. Sounds simplistic but I've found this to be the case over the years. I think it's about imagining the stuff that works for us, as individuals. While I offer a few examples, keep in mind I'm a bit of a 'woo woo' gal😁. I like to imagine that I was born to find out who I am. I like to imagine that I was born to feel, while coming to my senses (including that sixth sense or those extended senses beyond the physical ones). I like to imagine I am far more than what I think I am or believe myself to be. If I can let go of some of my old beliefs bit by bit, I will come to know who I naturally am more and more. I will discover why I'm so special and what my natural talents are. I've become more of a soulful or woo woo gal for good reason and that's partly based on psychology and biology not being enough for me. While they definitely offer insight into who we are and how we tick, I believe there's something so much deeper to who we are, otherwise we wouldn't suffer so much through not fully knowing ourself in natural or deeper ways. 

While I've experienced biological reasons for depression and psychological reasons, there definitely have also been times where that 'Dark night of the soul' vibe has been a thing, including at this point of my life. As we make our way through the darkness, it becomes about having light shed on what we're experiencing, so that it becomes so much clearer to us exactly where we are and where we need to head.

M-aggie, I'm an absolute shocker when it comes to remembering my dreams. It's been said that the best way to recall dreams involves writing them down while in a semi-conscious state, that in between state when we're still half asleep but half awake or waking up at the same time. So, a foot in each world (the dream world and the real world). Dreams can be incredibly telling and they can be of guidance in some cases. There are times when we wake up from a dream and think 'Well that was absolute nonsense' and then there are times where we can think 'There was definitely something to that which is worth wondering about'. I've met with some of my greatest revelations through making sense of certain more memorable nightmares. 

[M-aggie]

I was talking to an ex fling/ new friend and asking why he hasnt reached out in weeks after we said we were going to be friends, saying that if we weren't going to be friends just say that. He said a bunch of things but one of them was and I quote "I suppose I figured if I was going to ask how you are then I needed to have the ability to come and help if things weren't great." Am I overreacting or is this basically saying that I am a burden on him and an unstable person that needs to be saved? It makes me feel really bad about myself and angry at him that he thinks of me like that. I do struggle with depression and suicidal ideation, I have spoken to him about it but I've never made him do anything or asked him to do anything. One day when I was really suicidal I offered to help him clean his house because I didnt want to spend the day alone but I havent done anything like that before or since. Hearing this from him who is one of the very few people I've opened up to makes me want to disappear. 

[Sophie_M]

Hey M-aggie,
Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We can understand how difficult it must be to feel this way, and we really appreciate you being open and sharing what's going on for you right now. 

Is there anyone that you feel able to discuss this in person with? We’re reaching out to you privately to check you’re ok. In the meantime, we’d encourage you to give the Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here.

If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. That might mean connecting with existing supports, following a safety plan, or you could connect with Lifeline on 13 11 14. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero). 

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you. 
Kind regards,
Sophie M

[M-aggie]

I've been suicidal for a couple of months now, the thoughts ease sometimes but never fully go away. I want to tell my friends and ask for help, a coffee, a chat. But I feel a burden. Ive had depression for years, im always the depressed friend and its getting old. I caught up with my friend the other day and he was telling me its so good to see me well and I didn't want to tell him how depressed ive been because I want to be well and I don't want to be a source of stress for my friends. I just want to disappear and let them enjoy life without me bringing them down. 

[white knight]

Oh, you hurting soul,

Thankyou for your post and you continue to raise questions and thats what we strive for. I hope we are helping.

This forum exists because we cannot rely on our family and friends to be our therapist, nor can we have the expectations they are there when we see them, to lift us up. Yes, its enduring for them and its doesnt mean they dont love us, it means they dont have the expertise for soothing a invisible disability. They have limits.

So, it might mean you feel your friendships are only surface relationships, thats ok because most friendships are. Our friends dont want deep and meaningful conversations very often. Also try to interpret what they say eg  "its so good to see me well " could be read as "I'm so glad to see you". 

With mental health issues we tend to be more sensitive than usual and focussed on our depression because we are in pain so we desperately need to receive understanding and remedy.

So, to move on with your needs lets focus on what can help you. I've got a few posts below, click on the links and read the first post of each thread only. Then we can discuss them. These can be life changing and there is many of them in our library - just use search.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/they-just-wont-understand-why/td-...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/td-p/149708

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-sensitivity-a-connection/td-p/47148

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/is-quot-snap-out-of-it-quot-fully-unjustified/td-p/...

Reply anytime I'm here daily

TonyWK

[M-aggie]

I understand that, I just feel so isolated and lonely at the moment. I don't have family nearby and my friendships seem to be fading. Im 23 and trying to manage my depression on my own. I do therapy once a fortnight and take antidepressants but I still feel hopeless most of the time. 

[mmMekitty]

Hello M-aggie,

Welcome to the forums,

Just so you know, I've spent many years with a low level, like in the background, feeling & thoughts about ending my life. these ideas have decreased with time & the therapy I've had. The depression I still have is much less severe, too, so much so my psych doesn't call it depression anymore.

When I was young, in my teens & all the way through until my thirties, I could not conceive of a time when I'd have these much milder symptoms.

It seems to me, feeling better doesn't happen by accident; it takes work. Learning some strategies to use when we are feeling so low we want to end it. I think one thing I do when getting so low, feeling I don't want to get up & face the day is to make myself do that. I have music I like to listen, dance & sing to as well.

Another thing, when I was young, I also felt I was a burden. & just quietly, I still do dread the idea of becoming a burden to my sister at least - I'm not in contact with other family members. She's got responsibilities enough without me adding to her lot.

Therefore, logically looking after myself has taken on a level of importance now, very much more than I would admit before. I'm getting on, just a few years younger than White Knight. Mys sister is not much younger than me, either.

So, I've relied on my psych more & more as I had realised that while writing journals to myself was helpful for a time, it's also like crying into a vacuum.

Do you talk about strategies with your therapist? Do you have a plan of action for when the feelings become overwhelming? 

White Knight has given you some links to other discussions. (Thank you WK). If you look around BB, there is lots of info, many discussions  - try to not become overwhelmed by all the info. Just know it is here to use as you need. 

Hugzies,

mmMekitty