Hi Levelup
My heart goes out to you so much. It's so hard to face the distant bark of the black dog drawing nearer, while forever longing for it to just disappear. It can feel like such a form of torture at times.
As a 56yo gal and a long time cycler when it comes to the ins and outs of depression, I used to believe there was something wrong with me. I often wondered 'Why can I never just be happy. Why do I keep becoming depressed?'. It took me decades to finally realise there was never anything 'wrong' with me. When I began to look at the basic nature of each cycle, I hit on the mind blowing revelation that they all worked the same.
Not sure if it's relatable but if you imagine the cycle as a clock face
- At 12 o'clock everything's fine, even great at times
- By quarter past there's the feeling of coming out of the fineness or greatness
- Beyond quarter past you can start to really feel the downshift. With the down shift comes a sense of dread (dreading the most depressing part while wondering if you'll ever come out of it). For me personally, inner dialogue can shift and the inner critic and other so called 'inner demons' can become brutal tormentors
- At half past there's the 'hell on earth' phase. A lot of self questioning can become a factor. 'What's wrong with me, why am I so hopeless? What the point in all of this?' and on and on it goes
- Then the up shift starts to kick in. Through a lot of the questioning, revelations can begin to come to mind. Greater clarity starts to become a factor. Everything starts to make more sense. I've found this can also include a time of anger in some cases. Questioning the anger with myself or with others regarding the depressing factors I've been facing can lead to further revelations
- By quarter to there can be the feeling of entering into the last quarter while the anger lessens, based on calmer more uplifting or inspiring revelations
- At about 5 to 12 it's about having 1)felt what's depressing, 2)sat with what's depressing, 3)questioned what's depressing and 4)made sense of a lot of it
- By 12 o'clock, there's a liberating sense of graduation to a whole new level of self understanding and then the cycle begins again based on a new trigger or challenge that will eventually lead us to develop and understand ourself even better
If you now imagine turning that clock face on it's side (so it appears horizontally), I'd say the most liberating revelation when it comes to cycling involves realising it's not about going 'round and 'round but going 'round on a new and slightly higher level. In other words we're constantly cycling upwards each time we go around. It's an absolute mongrel of a way to evolve and can feel so incredibly brutal at times, that's for sure. We can get stuck in a part of the cycle for days, weeks, months or even years. Not a fan of the years factor. Got stuck in the darkest part of one for about 15 years.
I've found that it's within the break from the hard work of evolving through the dark parts that the moments of clarity come and there can be a sense of urgency. 'Okay, while everything's clear, I'm going to make sense of as much as possible before the next depressing or potentially depressing challenge takes me for a deep dive, where I'm led to make sense of the next lot of muck I'm going to be clearing'. It can pay to keep a 'much needed revelations' journal, for we can't always easily recall our much needed revelations, especially when we really need them.
I have to say I love your name, by the way. While life constantly challenges us to go next level up, every graduation point comes with a test of what we're learning or what we've learned. Some times in life can feel far more testing than others. While you're still somewhat in a state of clarity and self observation, is there something you're being challenged to learn about yourself or someone else in your life? I've found it's often the trigger/s that offer the clues.
