Can someone please help me???

[fuschia]

Why is it if I CAN get myself out of bed in the morning and go to work (without calling in sick, that I can manage to JUST get through the day at work (and do a very good job), then the last hour of work get super anxious and do the drive home wanting to stop into a bottle shop and drink on the way home (which I would never do) and get home and be so anxious.

I'm on medicatiom, I've done the therapy, I no longer have the nasty partner, I now have a nice job, but I just keep wanting to drink but it no longer settles the nerves. When I do it takes me 3 days to get over it including the process of suicide

I just want to go somewhere where I can be cared for and helped but I can't go during the week because I can't leave my boss but I could go on the weekends. Does anyone know where there is someplace I can go on the weekends and get some help. The thing is I go through stages and feel like I'm crazy then I feel an overwhelming feeling like I need to be normal and feel guilty for letting people down. All the mean while I'm not sure I can keep on living like this. I'm not sure I can trust myself anymore. I need some help and advise please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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[Light9]

Oh Fuschia, my goodness, you poor thing.

I got completely hammered every day this last week, my step son came in from school yesterday and I was asleep in his daughter's room on her rug on the floor, I have no memory of this...and I often black out, so I relate to your story.

But sheesh, I don't think I have passed out in the street before, I am SO SORRY to hear how bad it's been for you, and the sexual assault on top, oh my lord, I will say a prayer for you Fuschia.  I don't necessarily believe in religion, but I do believe there is probably some kind of higher order to the universe that we don't yet understand.  

Why are you doing this to yourself Fuschia?  If I may ask, what are your feelings when you feel like getting out of it?  Mine are feelings that I have lost my family, babies and a couple friends who weren't that nice anyway and still pretend to be my friends.

Also my best friend (who lives in Wales now), has stage 4 bowel cancer and has only months to live.

I can't believe mental health won't take you in, what more do they need to see??!  I'm so sorry you ended up in emergency...is there any way you can find the person who sexually assaulted you?  

I have also had crazy nights like this, I used to be so wild and always out on the town but now I'm glued to my man the last 4 years.

I have had panic attacks my entire life so I know how bad that feels, I do hope they can sort your meds out.  It's great that you say your family are all being supportive though.

Fuschia, can your hubby support you so that you can stop working for a while?  If you are struggling to stay alive, you need peace and serenity, not more stress.  I have worked my entire life since I was very young and so it was hard for me to stop, but I have needed this break so much too.

It's great no alcohol in your home, and on the tablets to stop the cravings.  Maybe write down all the great things about being booze free each day to remind you..maybe AA?

Can I ask how old you are Fuschia?  Hang in there, I really hope the psych visits help, I'm going to book some for myself too.  It's great that you are being so pro active.

Stay strong and enjoy your sobriety and not feeling tired or hung over, you are so loved and sound like fun...avoid that friend of yours if she can't show support, those types are a dime a dozen and not friends at all!!

Light 

[fuschia]

Thanks Light.

Im worried about you drinking every day and your poor stepchild finding you like that.

I am 37 and work 4 days a week. In about 6 weeks I am going to take at least 7 days off if I can afford some type of health/rehab/meditation retreat that I can afford. Im booked into start my care plan, physc tomorrow (prob to up meds time) and have started the tabs that will make me very sick if I drink.

I am hanging in there, but only just. Just get through til the end of June then I can have some time off. I just need to find somewhere to go and am finding it real hard on the net as they are so expensive.

Also starting yoga for a 6 week course. This is sounds positive doesn't it.

I just need to stick to it and hang in there and my very loving fiancé is here each and every night I get home from work for cuddles and support.

Until next time....take care please light. And no I have done AA twice and its def not for me!!

[geoff]

dear Fuschia and Light, well the past few days, weeks have been terrible for the both of you in all ways possible, and it seems to be a catch 22 situation for the both of you, and I was the same as well, but we need to drink but when we do it creates a string of other problems along the way.

But these problems are started by many other unfortunate incidences that are related to your everyday living, in which there never seems to be relief from.

Fuschia firstly you should be tested for STD, and hell I hope that you don't have it, but if you do know who did this then you should do something about it, and I know that now isn't probably the best time for you.

I didn't like AA myself as I found it to be a waste of time.

Please keep posting the both of you as your stories do really concern me. L Geoff. x

[Light9]

Hi Fuschia

It sounds very positive...and you are an inspiration so good on you.  

I should not have said "you sound fun" when you had such a destructive night, that was clumsy, I'm sorry.  There is nothing fun about obliterating ourselves and being sexually assaulted, I really hope you are ok.

My partner told my step son I had a bad back so that's why I was napping on the floor. I often make dinner with no recollection either, it's very bad.  I have asked my partner to stop buying grog as I need a break.  I should probably accept now, once and for all, that I simply CANNOT DRINK!!  

I post things on FB when I'm drunk too, nothing too bad...just things like "you don't have to put up with abuse"...so then people might be wondering if my partner abuses me and they reply "you CHOOSE whether someone is allowed to abuse you".  I was referring to my older schizo sister but I can't tell the world about that....or can I?  She has alienated everyone from me, so I feel like putting it out there.

Anyway, a huge congrats on getting your act together, that is wonderful, and thanks for inspiring me...lets both try so hard to be smart, self loving and healthy!!!

Light 🙂

[Light9]

Hi Geoff

I'm awake all night, as per usual, I guess it's coz I get drunk then pass out so early.

Thanks for your supportive words, it means so much to know you guys are there.

I am ditching the booze again and will see how long I last, I was really good a few weeks back so will try to do that again.  I have asked my man to stop buying booze and that will really help.

Counselling must be priority, I am far too hermit-like but it's costly and our car has just died...ho hum.

Onwards and upwards, here is to taking care of ourselves..

Light 🙂

[fuschia]

Geoff and Light- ahhh my two saviours.

After I was admitted to hospital after the sexual assault (which has been my last binge)!!! I was treated by sexual health throught the public system and they were so very very good. Results have come back negative - beig phew. Just one more lot in 6 weeks to go.

So these tablets seem to be working as its been 10 days since a binge drink, or a drink. I have NO idea when the last time is that happened. Im not sure if its the tablets or Im so scared the next time I will end up dead...(the Thursday b4 I ended up at the casino and fell from a great height and nearly broke my back and ended up in RBH all night).

Geoff, do you have any other support with your mental health and drinking (though it sounds you can not drink too much becoz of your health). I do appreciate your support immensely.

Light- sometimes I done remember things for days after and Ive lost count of the excuses Ive made so people/ someone doesn't think Im drunk. I have permanent burns and scars on my hands on arms from back 5 or so years ago when I use to start drinking after school pick up and would be smashed by time to cook dinner but unfortunately the blisters are only noticed the next morning or half way thru the night when you wake up in agony hey. Anyway just checking in - still seeing pysciatrist everyday, on meds, not wanting to count days off booze to self sabotage as I still want one with a ciggie, but I'm alive today. I'm alive. And Im taking all the credit for it because for the first time in my life Im not being stubborn and im listening and accepting help from others.

Light I have asked my fiancée to stop buying booze (I feel guilty asking) but he knows its important and has so far. Give it a go girl. Let me know if I can help in anyway. lol a binge drinking, suicidal psycho offering you help- must be pretty tempting hey lol.

I'm not saying I can never drink again, I am just telling myself for now, for a while, for a bit, lets give it a break and I'm just trying to replace those times I usually drink with something, anything. ps right now there is a movie where people are drinking having fun and man it looks like fun and tempting but im turning the tv off and going to bed because I know right now, in this very moment drinking is a very very very BIG NO NO!!!!!!! Talk soon guys

[Light9]

You are strong GA. And funny, thanks for making me laugh you are real!!  You are lovely, don't doubt it for a minute. Cut yourself some slack love. If u weren't in real genuine trouble you wouldn't be on this site, you are really sweet and doing the best you can...Just relax and know that OTHERS CAN SEE MORE OBJECTIVELY THAN YOU CAN RIGHT NOW, it's so obvious that you need a break and have had it tough for too long XXXOOO

[fuschia]

Thanks Light.

Cravings have hit me on the way home from work. I did not stop at bottle shop. Just going thru the motions of feelings and have taken "the" tablets. Physciatrist app tomorrow. Feel like doing well one min now edgy the next.

I hope you guys are not going through too much right now. Sometimes its nice to not have to talk about me lol

[Light9]

Hi Fuschia

You are really inspiring me to give it up too, WELL DONE and KEEP GOING!!!  It's so damn important.  It's our lives.  I had a terrible night two nights ago, I walked to my step sons school drunk (with red wine in my "coffee" holder.  I didn't see any teachers thank goodness but when I got home I passed a friend of my partners (who is not a nice guy and a total drunk) and he came back home with me coz i had a pack of ciggies in the house and he had none.  I don't smoke (well the odd rolly) but anyway, he was happy to come back and chill for a bit til my man came home.  

My man came in from work and was annoyed that I had been to the school drunk and was sitting with this person (innocently enough mind you) and hadn't even made dinner and he lost it.  I was too drunk to understand what he was even angry about...all I could comprehend was that he was screaming at me and i had probably done something really bad and I was going to harm myself.  I was just about to scoop up my dog (coz the poor thing was getting it oo haha) when my step son told me to come into his room.  I lay in bed with him and he was saying to me "Daddy shouldn't be yelling at you, you did nothing at all wrong don't worry".  So that's when I relaxed...but i was very close to doing something really bad and it's frightened me.  This is not the first time, it just feels a bit closer to happening each time.  Very scarey.  I also walked around town by myself a few nights previously looking to score heroin, I was actually keen to start a new habit that could ease my pain.  thank goodness I didn't find any...I did sit with some homeless people for a while but they were too drunk to speak.  

So, yes, big wake up calls for me this week, I have got to get it into my head that I can't drink too...in fact I think I will go on those tablets you have mentioned.  Not sure.  I think you are handling this very wisely Fuschia, and that's wonderful.  Sorry for calling you GA in last mail, but you must have realised I meant you!

Anyway, I really know that ok then edgy feeling, just ride it out and I will too.  i'm starting to want to exercise more and more and I have been walking a lot the last 2 weeks which is great after a long sedentary phase.  I've even lost a bit of weight which always lifts my frame of mind.  Everytime you get a craving, remember your life depends on it and your body is loving you for not doing it.  

Light 🙂

[fuschia]

Hi Light 9,

Wow, we have so much in common in that I have acted out so many things you have said above. I have walked the streets looking for drugs and luckily I didn't find any. I just didn't care about myself at the time because I was just so drunk.

Do you mind if I ask how old your step son is?

I'm concerned about him only because I never truly realized just how much my actions/ drinking actually affected my son at the time.

Definitely try the tablets. They might just be the thing that saves my life, but so will the therapy I am about to start. My pysciatrist has been fantastic being very cautious and slow to raise my meds and wean me off as his aware how fragile I am.

Apart from one slip up last Thursday night I really think it s all coming together very slowly. I got through 2 whole weeks!!!!!    Im reducing my hrs at work to 3 a week and starting yoga soon. I'm on so many meds  but I know I need them. Thank the lord for government mental health hey. (Although there is a lot more that can be done I know).

I just think of all the dangerous places and situations I have put myself in and I can't believe I am still alive. Yes I have been sexually assaulted, bruised, cut, broken bones, concused and what ever else but I am still alive and its for a reason. Im meant to stay on this earth so I am going to take all this so much more seriously, keep taking my meds and never skip any and try not be so hard on myself. I realized I was pushing myself far to much at work hence why I have organized to pull back to 3 days. Like a social worker said to me recently, in all the relationships and situations you've been in over the years you've always been the one looking after others. But, now its time to look after myself. I need to look at that like its not a selfish thing but healthy. How many alcohol free nights are you having at present and how much do u drink when you do (if you don't mind me asking),

Please talk to your dr about the meds just to get some info light.

I want you to make it with me as well.....x

I'm happy to help you because your certainly helping me.

Hope your doing well Geoff and your health is ok...