my boyfriend is going on a boys trip and i don't know how to live with myself

bagelss

my boyfriend is going on a boys trip soon for just a short 5 days. however, my anxiety is driving me insane. i was recently diagnosed with anxiety and i haven't really told him about how anxious i feel about him leaving. me and my boyfriend live separately and as both of us work full time, we only meet once or twice a week. and everyday, we call on a platform to sleep, do housework, etc. for the first time since we started dating, he won't be able to call me like this for a few short days. i have tried to keep myself occupied by making plans for 2 of the 5 days and the rest i would be working. however, the only problem is that he is going with people who are older, married and have partners etc so i know they would not go beyond ie cheating. but then again, you can never really trust anyone. however, they would be drinking everyday, most likely would not be sober all 5 days. i have met these guys before and they are heavy drinkers. i trust my boyfriend and i know he won't cross the line but he tends to go a bit crazy with them. he would be hungover the next day when we hang out and it has happened multiple times, i have seen it before. there is no time that he wasn't hungover when he hangs out with them. i think they are a bit of bad influence on him and i cannot tell him that as he would think i am controlling him or something. i have no problem with his drinking but i am so worried that he would do something wrong and not tell me. and for my own sanity, i would want to know. how do i keep myself from feeling so anxious? i trust and love my boyfriend but i can't help but feel nervous whenever he hangs out with them because he always go crazy.

white knight

Hi, welcome

This is a very good topic and I havent seen it here before.

You are correct in that some young men are too easily influenced in a group situation and environment where alcohol is always there, there is a chance of wild not so normal behaviour. You have reason to be concerned.

However, "worry" and "concern" are two different things. A post I wrote about worry is at the end of this post.

Anxiety is your enemy and I also have a post below covering how you embark upon ridding yourself of anxiety or 90% of it. Anxiety shouldnt be confused with adrenalin either. Activities while he's away is a good idea. Better still seek out girlfriends you can chat with. Any mental illness can put strain on a relationship so be aware that not giving him space is sort of placing pressure on him from your illness. It's sad that you should try to act ok about him going away to give him that freedom but that isnt how you really feel. In between is the answer.

So when does a man get to a point when his partner is the person he should be going away with not his mates? Well for some men its never, their mates are also a big part of their life. What you have going for you is that they are all married which chances are they arent hunting for a bedmate.

In conclusion, worry wont help you, activities will, even a new hobby. Try to minimalise your worry projected onto him that could make him feel guilty. Be aware of the possibility of him straying with another woman but put trust in him until you get evidence. As the years go by eventually he and you will join couples on camping trips where you'll feel more secure. A camper trailer r caravan could sway him towards that transgression and travelling around together and with couples could satisfy him. Even 4 wheel driving?

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry-part-2/td-p/484665

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/td-p/183873

TonyWK

Alice850

I know this feeling well. My boyfriend and I recently broke up, but before I was with him I had been single for a long time and didn't realise that I had a lot of anxiety and trust issues (had been cheated on in the past). These issues became apparent in our relationship.

We did long distance for a year (him in Norway and me in Australia) and he is quite social, so would go out with friends and go on boys trips. My anxiety would spike every time. I would always say to him when this issue came up that I trusted him, but I didn't trust other people (girls that might hit on him at bars) but he explained to me that I needed to trust him that even if a girl did hit on him, he wouldn't act on it because he was committed to me and didn't want anyone else.

There does need to be trust in a relationship, but I know this is hard when you have anxiety and overthink about worst case scenarios. Is it possible you can have a conversation with him before the trip, not to control his behaviour, but to express your feelings and get some reassurance from him? Also, has he ever given any indication in the past that he would do something like cheat or flirt on trips or when he's with his friends? Anxiety has a way of telling us to worry about scenarios that haven't even happened and disregard the behaviour and evidence that people show us. If he shows commitment to you through his behaviour and his words, can you try and trust him?

I think it's great that you've made plans of your own while he's on this trip. I know it will be hard, but try not to monitor your phone, this will spike your anxiety even more and won't help calm you down. Try and do something just for you as well, something you like doing and will give you enjoyment that's separate from your relationship.