Did COVID make anyone else realise how fragile the human life is?

[Dove20]

COVID made me realize how fragile we are... it has now given me a new form of anxiety... anxiety about losing loved ones. Does anyone else feel this way?

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Dove20

Sorry to hear you are feeling anxious and, in these times, it is not unreasonable at all to feel uncertainty for what tomorrow will bring.

You are not alone in your thoughts, but I hope you can dismiss the fears.

I think you are correct in saying that we are fragile... as individuals, perhaps; but as a species, we have proven ourselves most resilient, adaptable, and inventive. As with past obstacles, solutions are inevitable; and, in so finding, the human race progresses further on its path to understanding, and indeed modifying, its behaviours and preconceptions.

As to the judgments of others, that is their weakness, not yours.

[White_Rose]

Hello Dove

Yes, I struggled with panic and anxiety at work. It's really horrible as I did not want anyone else to know what was happening. I am just like everyone else in wanting to hide what I thought would be unacceptable. Fortunately for me I had a colleague who was very supportive. I remember telling her one day that I wanted to go home because I felt so bad. She told me there was only a couple of hours before we finished for the day and could I hang on a bit longer. Yes I did. No huge intervention but I was grateful.

If you have someone you trust at work perhaps you can talk a little and enlist their aid when the feelings get too much. Staying at work is good for your self esteem, to know you can get past these difficult times. I know it's not easy, concentration waivers and it seems as though you are not getting anywhere with yourself or with the job you are supposed to be doing.

I know it's not easy but if you can focus your attention on the particular task it can help. In gardening it's said a weed cannot grow where there is a flower. I found this a good analogy. Call it distraction therapy or substitution. It can work once you get the hang of it.Not fighting the feelings but putting them aside while you focus on work. It's not a magic bullet, it's using our brains in a narrow beam of concentration. Fighting uses up too much energy.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer at that time, a double whammy. Yes, all gone now. Years later my daughter commented that I seemed not to care. My family worried more about me than I did. Which illness was the most hard to handle. I told my daughter it was just another day in hell. I think we do become oblivious to external matters because our internal focus is so strong. I believe if we can shift our attention, even if only for a short time it can help.

Yes I went through "What will people think about me". It is hard and was hard 20 years ago when the depression first hit me. You can get through this. Keep a journal and periodically, not too soon, go back and read about your journey. I think you will be surprised.

Without personal experience others find it difficult to understand how you feel and how these things come in waves. If you have downloaded some of the BB fact sheets it may be useful to give a selected few a copy to help their understanding.

I am making a scrapbook for each of my eight grandchildren, detailing their lives up to the present. Lots of photos and some stories. I am enjoying this.

Mary

[Dove20]

Gambit,

I feel the exact same way. It really only occurred to me now during this pandemic that my parents won't be with me forever and that deeply affects my emotional wellbeing every day. It changed the way I behaved though. I spend more time with my parents, I don't get annoyed at the little things that they do that would normally annoy me, I even spend less time in my room. I'd just sit near them, doing my own thing; I feel like I just want to be closer to my parents and by being near them, the opportunity is always there for us to communicate about whatever we want. I think its the little things like these that count.

[Dove20]

Hi Mary,

Thank you for your wisdom.

I agree, staying at work is good for my self-esteem. I remember how hard it was sometimes... just being there feeling so sick, dizzy, and lightheaded but when I got through the day I'd be glad that I did not just give up and leave my shift halfway through. However, it makes me feel ashamed that there are days where I can't perform the way I used to; these were the days that my physical symptoms of anxiety got too much to handle. It is hard not to beat myself up for it.

My! it seems like you've really battled a lot in your life. I'm happy you made it out stronger. I think it is so great that your family was always there for you. It gives me hope that maybe someday my family will always be there too. You said your family worried more about you than you did. I think I can relate to this. I think, as a daughter, I can't help but worry about my parents. Maybe even more than they worry about themselves. Maybe they know things that I don't and its why they're so chill about things. But, for me, I'm a worrier. I can't help it. It is in my nature to worry. As a parent, do you think your kids worry too much?

8 grandchildren! That is amazing. It seems you have lived such a full life. Do you see them often?


Dove

[White_Rose]

Hello Dove

Thanks for your reply. It is hard to continue going to work when you feel constantly anxious. As I said before, focusing on something other than your parents can help the anxiety. Not easy but you have shown yourself you can do this. When you focus on the painful or difficult things in your life you gradually come to believe life will always be like that. This is the time to stop and remind yourself of the good things in your life.

I see you are spending more time with your parents (from your other thread). That's great and I suggest it helps with the anxiety. Can you also do your uni assignments in the same room as your parents? These are the moments to remember and savour. While it is likely your parents will predecease you (because they are older) it does not mean this will happen soon.

You asked about my hobbies and for suggestions on a hobby for you. It's really difficult without knowing what you enjoy. You could be a volunteer worker for an organisation. Do you like craft work? Painting, needlework, going to the gym, gardening, reading, writing poetry or some other form of writing. When you have a day or half a day free you could take mom and dad out for a drive and morning tea.

This is a short reply as I must go out.

Mary

[Dove20]

Hi Mary,

I really appreciate your words. They've given me a different perspective on things and it really does help reassure me.

In regards to my uni assignments, I actually am on a leave of absence right now from my studies. COVID made things financially difficult and I had to make a sacrifice in order to help my family out with some bills. So, I took a leave of absence to work, save up for any potential future financial problems that may arise, and to help out my family.

Not only that, but it has really affected us all mentally these past few months so I thought it was wise to just take a leave of absence for a while. I do feel a bit of sadness every day. Maybe, I could have pushed through and continued on with my studies while working/finding work but there's nothing I can do about it now.

Your suggestions on hobbies sound really great. I've been trying to try out some hobbies but for some reason, I feel pressured to read a textbook or something. Isn't that odd? I feel like I don't know how to live outside of studying.

Dove.

[White_Rose]

Hello Dove

Sorry to take so long to reply. I smiled when I read your last paragraph. I completed my degree part time as I had a full time job. At the end of the year I looked forward to the summer break and being able to read something other than a text book. Reading something for pleasure made me feel so uneasy because I could not get out of study mode. Well not until it was time to start the new year. I think it shows the kind of pressure we put on ourselves.

It's not a bad idea to take leave from uni when you are struggling with other things. When things get a bit more organised I hope you will return to study, complete your degree and be pleased with yourself for having done so. I know I was chuffed with myself once I got through it all successfully.

Please do not beat yourself up with thinking what you could have done. It doesn't matter. What matters is that regret can make you question everything you do. What you do is necessary at the time and the best option you can come up with. Later, down the track, you may think of something else you could have done and that's where you start chasing rabbits down their holes.

So stay with your decision and do not question yourself. Later, when circumstances change, you can change direction either to something new or back to finish uni. What matters most is that you focus on the here and now and work with that.

Speaking as a grandma I can say that as I get older my attitude to life has changed. I still have a social life (well until COVID) and I enjoy myself. I have learned that 'things' do not matter as much as I once thought. If I was in financial difficulty I am certain my children would help but that is not the case. They are quite protective of me because of my medical condition and one daughter always comes with me to see the specialist. It's good because we can talk about what he has said etc. So I ask for help when I need it and manage as much as possible on my own. Like you my children know I will in all probability die before them because I am older so we enjoy the time we have now and no one will be left with regrets later. I see my grandchildren fairly often and thoroughly enjoy being with them though I draw the line at squealing.

I hope that my comments help.

Mary

[Dove20]

Hello Mary,


It is nice to talk to you again. It has been particularly bad the past few days and I've only begun to feel a bit better now. Yes! I do agree. Reading something for pleasure does make me feel uneasy because my brain has always been focused on studying and what I could be doing to further my career. I haven't ever taken time off from studying in a long time, so I'm not used to having the time to do things that bring me joy. I actually think I won't be ok with doing things for joy for a while. I feel you understand my struggles so well. I'm so happy to have connected with you on this forum.


You worked full time while studying part-time?! That is really impressive! When I was still at uni, I was working at the same time as well but on a casual basis. Even that was tough. I remember the late nights, the crying and the emotional toll that I felt because I felt I had no other option as my family is not well off and I had to do my part to help.

It is hard not to beat myself up about taking a leave from uni. I do feel better now that I don’t have any academic responsibilities. It’s one less thing to think/worry about. But I keep thinking… if I’m better now then why couldn’t I just push through? It will take me even longer to finish my degree now that I’ve essentially delayed myself from completing units. I’m already behind compared to a lot of my friends. But I know that not everyone has the same struggles so I know I shouldn’t compare my situation to theirs when I have had so many things to juggle.


You said your children are all grown and have families of your own. How did you feel when they slowly started to move out? And at what age was this? Did you get empty nest syndrome? I know you said your children keep in contact with you but I feel like when families have lived together for so long, to suddenly live in a home without them would feel so lonely. I fear moving on with my life would lead to my parents emotional turmoil.. not to mention I feel incredibly guilty if I would waste money on rent and things when I could help my parents save up for retirement (my family is really not well off), or pay their bills so they can feel ok with working less.


Dove.

[White_Rose]

Hello Dove

Children leaving home was a bit difficult. Fortunately they did not all leave at once and did return a couple of times before finding their partners and setting up home together. One of my sons lives in Victoria which is a bit of a worry but he is doing all the right things and staying safe. He is still working but his partner was stood down from her job. They manage.

Both of my boys left home after year 12 to go to uni. One daughter went to uni and lived at home at least for the first year or so.The house was quiet when they left but I found positives in not needing to cook for them or do their washing. Always a bonus. (smile)

Have you discussed with your parents the financially implications of you staying at home or leaving? You said, "I fear moving on with my life would lead to my parents emotional turmoil.. not to mention I feel incredibly guilty if I would waste money on rent and things when I could help my parents save up for retirement. Without wishing to be inquisitive, will your parents receive a retirement pension at whatever age they are allowed to claim a pension? I gather they are still working.

To go back to your parent's emotional turmoil, do you know they would be upset or is this your perception. Not being rude but I have found people make decisions based on their perceptions rather than checking it out with the persons concerned. I suspect that a good discussion may clear up any incorrect considerations and you may well be right, mom and dad would like you to stick around. Have they commented on your uni deferral?

I went to uni when I was in my 50's. The children were at school and my spouse also worked. Sometimes it was hard juggling times to make sure one or other of us was at home with the children. I think my children learned about responsibility during that time. For me, going to uni was a liberating event.

May I suggest after talking to your parents you have a good look at the practicalities of returning to uni. If you feel unable to relax and enjoy some external activities, maybe you would be happier at uni. What do you think? I am assuming your parents have no need of a carer etc and can manage work and their home routines.

How do you feel about setting up your own home? It can be scary at first having all the responsibility for yourself and home. Have you considered sharing a home with one or two other people?

Whatever you do start with a conversation with mom and dad. They are very important in your decisions.

Mary

[Dove20]

Hello Mary,

Currently, it is only my dad who is working as my mum is a carer for our grandpa. It will be a fair few years until my parents receive a retirement pension, so until then they have expressed that they would like my help in regards to our finances when my dad can no longer work. I don’t mind but I can’t lie it has been stressful to think about these things. I think, because of my anxiety as well, I fear not being able to work when my anxiety affects my ability to work on a consistent basis (it has happened before; I’ve had periods of my life where I couldn’t work at all because the physical symptoms of my anxiety were so bad).

I guess it has been why I felt the need to take a leave from uni to save up now for anything that might happen. It was my intention to work multiple jobs while on my leave but this turned out to be really unsuccessful because of covid and the restrictions. This also maybe because there are thousands of those who have lost their jobs because of covid applying for these jobs as well. I’ve been applying for a second job but with no success. I can’t lie this has been really disappointing and stressful. However, I must admit that this is not the only reason why I took a leave of absence. Things have been tough mentally and I felt it was wise to not use my brain for a while. I would like to go back to uni but I think along with all the things that are going on in my life it would be too much on my mental health to add another responsibility.

In regards to my parent's turmoil, I come from an ethnic background and it is in our culture for children to take care of our parents for a while. It’s not uncommon for ethnic children to live with their parents even after they have married and have kids. So I guess knowing this has made me reluctant to do many ‘adult’ things like moving out and such.

Setting up my own home would be nice. Eventually in life, I do want to be on my own with my own home. But with my current financial circumstances, I believe this would be impossible for a long, long time.

I guess, things are really unstable right now and I guess I need to learn how to deal with this uncertainty. It kind of sucks that this is how it is.


Dove.