Will it get better?

[paperclip]

I've been severely depressed for months to the point where I've broken down at work a few times only to compose myself before anyone notices. I've had a panic attack and struggle to sleep and eat. I feel so worthless, guilty and pathetic that i don't want to socialise with my friend s.  I saw my GP and visited a therapist. However, negative thoughts, regrets, failures are constantly on my mind from the minute i wake up to the minute i go to sleep. I spoke to my father and broke down both times, i now feel guilty for having him now worry about me. How did i let myself get to this stage in life? I keep reading about  depression and going online forums with people discussing how they've been depressed for 10 and 20 years and everyday is a struggle. How the hell can someone live like that. Should i quit my job and put 100% effort on getting better. 

[white knight]

Hi paperclip. welcome to BB forum.

I dont know if you should quit your job or not but it should, like all things, be put on the table for consideration.  In fact gather all possibilities and consider them. I recently wrote a piece on this forum about boredom and its impact on ones depressed life.

So there will be issues like- boredom, marital status, work, career dreams, friends, bullying, family, sleep patterns, religion, children, spirituality, what stresses you,things that motivate you, hobbies, environment etc etc.  Every time you think of something that can make a change to your life- write it down.

Then systematically focus on them. Is that topic having a negative or positive impact on my life?, Does it need tweeking?, can I rid my life of that toxic person? Can I improve my relationship with that person?, can I resign from that job when I seek another job with a better workplace environment?. Etc etc.

Some issues in life are worth more involvement. I am an athiest but my journey into the spitirual world has been really comforting. Positive motivation courses would be beneficial. At first you might not think so but over time it all sinks in.

But above all this the one thing I believe is the most important is self confidence. To see the wonder of your own uniqueness, the beauty of you, to learn to laugh again.  To watch a flower bloom, to hug those that love you and they you, to walk in a park, to drive along a country road, to watch a sunset from the top of a hill. Perhaps a fulfilling volunteer job saving sick animals?  I dont know you paperclip and I'm throwing these ideas at you so it might prompt your mind to another direction.

Good luck.

[paperclip]

Thanyou for your response, i have always lacked self-confidence, self-worth and one of my closest friends seems to always bring me down in social situations and has contributed to me doing things i later regret. I have always had anxiety issues however now at 23 i have done many things that i regret so much so that they replay in my mind 24/7. How can i improve myself when i'm so ashamed about my past, and these regrets can't be undone and i'm forced to live with these life changing regrets. 

[Blue_]

Hi paperclip!

sounds like you've been going through some really tough times but don't worry, you've come to the right place. I've done a lot of research on depression and from what I've read it all comes down to self esteem and different factors of that, how much you were loved and whatever else as a child, not following dreams due to pressure, identity crisis, things like that. 

What will help you the most right now is getting support from your loved ones and friends, tell them when you are ready, it took me months to tell anybody but once I did I was pleasantly surprised. 

There's a few factors to making yourself better. I have this thing I say to a lot of people. Getting better is like baking a cake, without all the ingredients you won't have as good a chance of getting better. Those ingredients are looking after yourself physically by eating well and exercising, going to a professional for therapy, family and friends for support and sometimes medication. There are doctors on this website you can look for in your area that specialise in mental health that will be understanding. Nothing worse than a doctor that doesn't want hear about what's going on. Doesn't feel good at all.

Please, don't feel alone, we are always here, we're a big, loving family that will help you whenever you need it.

Love Cas ❤️

[white knight]

Good post Blue_....spot on.

As for doing thing you regret.....I'm 58 and some of the things I have guilt about run down to my teens. Guilt is a terrible and non productive feeling.  Buy guilt is laced with unrealistic thoughts.

My therepist in 1987 kept asking me if I was being realistic after I'd tell him my thoughts for the past week. I still ask myself that nearly every day.  eg. My wife and I had an argument today...I think she might leave me.   Totally unrealistic.

Getting things into perspective, being realistic, ditching friends that arent and being as positive as you can be will improve your life. You must be determined and ruthless to get there but its worth it.

[paperclip]

Hi blue, Thanks for your kind words.

I've been trying to exercise more and think positive however in my current mental state its near impossible. The future looks bleak and i can't enjoy my favourite things and am getting nostalgic about the past which makes me feel even shitter. I opened up to my father however i feel if i told my friends they wouldn't understand. I just find it daunting that depression can be persistant or take years to overcome. Even my next meeting with my therapist in 2 weeks seems like a lifetime away. 

[Blue_]

Anytime sweet pea. 

Like I said, a cake. It's so, so good that you're trying to exercise and think positive. You're already doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for. As for this friend that puts you down you need to tell them you don't like it. You are actually entitled to stand up for yourself, next time she says something mean just say 'why do you say hurtful things?' Might blow her away and she might stop, if she doesn't, time to boot her out of your life because you should surround yourself with people that make you want to be better. I'm so positive that you would have one friend you can tell. If you don't want to tell someone just yet, don't stress, you have plenty of friends here 🙂

We are always here to talk and there's a lot of people here that will follow your story and can't wait to see improvement and see you get better 🙂 

Love Cas ❤️

[DaneSaysYay]

i don't think you should quit your job paperclip, it gives you options. however some ppl quit their jobs and travel to find them selves for a while.

you do know you are not the only one who feels like this and even people who seems super happy and calm may be screaming on the inside, hopefully your work is flexible and wuill work with you if you need a breather or day of etc..... sure some people struggle for yonks, and maybe putin time into getting better is your ticket to being healthy in the mind....

 dont be ashamed to ask for help and listen to peoples storysm i d all the time, and i have suffered with depresional episodes all my adult life, but then im a creative fella and prone to that....  chin up, have some more me time, an investment in healing and innersearching can only have positive results..... think outside the square too, couldnt figure out if you where male, but if so.....you know men cry? it happens all the time and its healthy to i rekon.

[vip]

Hi paperclip I have dealt with my depression for over 30yrs. Yep Blue is spot on with her getting better points all spot on. Yep I have squashed dreams, jobs, travel, relationships  friendships, ruined family member realtionships, studies all due to me having depression. I am off medication now and im 40 and yes I exrcise vigourously watch my diet socialise only with the right people no alcohol and spend quality time with my beautiful son and hubby as much as I can . Gp visit and  psych referral is the key here to handle the start of this depression and to continue on with the counselling and to get on medication also . You will start to feel better and your moods will lift. Regret well I have many I cant turn back the clock I see it as well ive turned 40 its time to move forward and whatever comes my way to grab it if its good to tackle it if its bad. I feel at this point in my life nothing and nobody can bring me down. I have crying moments believe me but that's ok crying is a release and once ive cried I feel more upbeat the old saying life wasn't meant to be easy and rome wasn't built in a day, Your not alone we are all here for you take care

[paperclip]

Thankyou to everyone for the words of encouragement. I recently visited my GP again to get the results for a blood and ecg test. I'm physically fine but mentally at my lowest point. I read somewhere that depression is essentially the inability to imagine a future. And that's exactly how i feel. I can't look forward to anything and don't enjoy anything. My GP prescribed me with anti-deppresants so hopefully they make me more balanced.