Is there something wrong with me?

[_Starlight_]

where do i begin? it has taken some time.. more like years to have find courage to finally do something about how i've been feeling. And it's finally happening, as i cannot take this anymore. This is so hard for me to talk about and finding the words to express how i really feel. I've been feeling this way since i was 13 years old. Struggling to fit in with everybody and being accepted by everybody. I cant help but backspace everything i've been writing because i feel so embarrassed  and ashamed.. ill try again hopefully. I was bullied badly the first 2 years of High School which resulted me into self harming and thinking that i was worthless and a nobody. which then resulted into wanting to end my life which i told my few friends that i was going to do it. they were so worried about me, i ended up seeing a School Counsellor, thanks to her the bullying stopped. After it all stopped i still felt like i was worthless and a nobody, i tried to ignore it, and pretended and fought and told myself everything was okay. it helped but those feelings were still there.

I've had a hard time over the years as iv'e mentioned before trying to fit in, wanting to be that girl who is well liked and has a group of friends who go shopping and have fun etc.  you know those  words "be happy" well that hasn't been me. I've been used by so many so called friends trusting them thinking they were my friends and ended up being those friends that just soak up all your good energy to make themselves feel better.. trying to be that girl that would do anything for anyone and just get's everything thrown back into my face. I've been trying so hard to pick myself up for the last 4 years and start fresh and think positive, and everything will be okay but for the last year i've just been thinking negative and it is getting worse and worse..just like when i was getting

bullied, those dark feelings again taking me over.. x10 worse to the point where, why am i even here? does anyone actually care about me? why am i feeling so worthless? why am i so ugly. why doesn't anyone want to be my friend?  am i honestly that bad of a person? I question myself do i even have a purpose in life? do i have a future or is this going to keep happening for the rest of my life.. I tried to speak to my mum about seeing a Psychologist it took me a week to work the courage up to do so, but she wanted to know why, and i couldn't tell her why.. i dont know what to do anymore, i dont want to be here anymore..

[Neil_1]

Dear Star Light (love the name by the way);

Welcome to Beyond Blue and “Well done” to you for coming to this site and then providing us with this post – it's been tough for you for a fair while now. 

Just reading between the lines, I’m sensing that you’re in your late teens?

You know, there’s not many things I hate in this world, because I simply don’t like the word – so when I say I “hate” bullies, that is said with a massively strong backing behind it.  I’m very glad to read that your school counsellor made it stop.

Why am I here?  Care-factor for things?  Worthless, etc. And dear Star Light, if I had an answer for some of those, there’d be a good reason for me not even being on this site. However, I don’t think you’re worthless or a bad person.  Bad people are those flotsam who are behind bars, or even those doofus’s who enjoy doing road rage stuff.  That’s bad people, and I don’t see you doing either of those things – so strike one for Neil – you are not bad.

Worthless – I believe that most people are worthy – exceptions being to the above bad people mentioned.  You’ve been through school, you are your own person, and you just need to look a little bit deeper within yourself to see that you are worthy.  You said, that you were or are that girl who will help others out – a very noble quality, don’t ever lose that.

I think you’ve got at least ONE step to make.  It’s kind of two step process though – firstly on the top of the pages on Beyond Blue, that have set up an area where you can go and search for GP’s in your local area.  Hopefully you’ll find one or more that you may be able to choose from. 

 2nd step, is then to make an appointment with one that you’ve chosen – and then go along to see them (ok, that’s probably a 3rd step here – it’s almost like you’re walking – that I’ve given you so many steps to do) – the thing with these GP’s on this site they are all qualified in dealing with mental health issues. 

Your appointment, they will be then able to determine what might be an appropriate follow up program for you.  Be it to a counsellor/psyche of some kind and/or whether potentially anti-depressants might be needed. I hope that if you can explain it to your mum, she might back you up and give you the support that you need as well.

Star Light, it’d be great to hear back from you and I hope that something in my post has helped you.

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear Starlight, you can't do what other people always expect you to do, just to keep up the norm, and even if you do, and struggle trying like hell to do so, this doesn't mean as though they will accept you, it's called being used, so in other words you have to go by your own belief, because people are never ever reliable, and can never be trusted.

There are a few people in life that can be trusted. L Geoff. x

[MrsCam]

Starlight, my heart goes out to you... I too was badly bullied when I was in high school and even though I am now in my mid 30's the emotional scars remain... I think it is great that you have approached your mum about seeking some professional help. I hope she can help to organize that for you. I imagine she is asking "why?" cos mums want to try to fix problems for their children, perhaps you could just say that you want someone outside of the family to talk to about how you are feeling, someone who is a professional and wont be emotionally invested in what you are saying... that might help your mum to get on board.. do you need her permission to seek counselling?? how old are you?? maybe you can go to see your gp on your own if mum doesnt come round to the idea... goodluck

[_Starlight_]

Hi again, 

Yes  you could say i'm in my late teens, i'm 17 years old. 

It's hard to know, how to find myself and know that i am worthy. Because i tell myself everyday that i'm not worthy. I just cant help but call myself names because i feel like i'm not good enough or  appreciated. I'm always so negative and now it's just become a habit. I would do anything for anybody because i'm that type of person, but people take it for granted.. i sometimes do it even when they treat me badly just so that i'm liked and fit in with everybody. 

Making that step is the hardest thing, i don't know if i can do it.. I just don't want to be judged if i end up taking those steps. I just don't know. I know my mum would do anything for me, she would be supportive.. i just don't know if i can tell her or bring the subject up again..

I know no one can be trusted. 😕 I've learnt that the hard way. and sometimes I've gotten those users out of my life, but it still seems to be a cycle, you think you have a good friend and then later they are the complete opposite your worst enemy. but in the end I'm always the one that ends up getting hurt the most.. i still have nobody that understands me, and actually likes me for the person i am..and i'm always back to square one. 

[MrsCam]

Starlight, I am reading your post and my heart is breaking for you as I feel like I am reading about myself all those years ago...

Please please please see your doctor and ask for a referral for some counselling and discuss the option of medication... dont wait another 5 years and suffer anymore of the heartache you are currently going through...

I know as a teenager it sucks when adults go on the "been there done that listen to me" rampage but in this case I truley believe Im worth listening to!! lol

please take care and remember the people on this forum are always here for you xo

[_Starlight_]

I'm going to try and work the courage up to see a doctor or a psychologist.. 

but I don't know, If I'm strong enough to take that step. because I feel weak and embarrassed and ashamed to be even asking for help.. as you can tell I've been putting this off for a while now..

 but I'm glad someone like you, in some what understands what I'm going through.. 

i appreciate your advice.. someone who has actually given me some.. and given me some kind of direction. 

thankyou. xo 

[Neil_1]

Dear Starlight

Mrs C is a relatively new poster on this site, but she has come here and has fit in like a hand in a glove and as I’ve told her before, her posts/responses to others are so well thought out and her advice is really spot on.   I guess what you see here is someone who has lived through and experienced what you’re now enduring.

If I may, could I just suggest that if you feel awkward about seeing a doctor, on this site, Beyond Blue have a list of GP’s who can be searched for – and hopefully you can find one or two in your local area.  The thing about these GP’s Starlight is that they are all fully qualified in dealing with mental health issues.  

Now, all GP’s have their own confidentiality clauses and rules that they must follow, etc but on top of that, I can pretty much assure you, that these GP’s will not judge you in any way, shape or form.

I would go so far as when you’re in your appointment, telling them that you feel uncomfortable and nervous about all this.  They should acknowledge this and then tell you that it isn’t uncommon for people to be this way, but you have no need to feel this way – because they will treat you as you should be treated – with dignity, care and provide you with appropriate referrals, beyond what they are able to provide you.

So Starlight, you should be damn proud of yourself for coming here and taking that ‘first’ initial step.   Your next step is to now locate a suitable GP for you to make an appointment to go and see.  And I firmly believe that you and will be able to do this.

 Just one other quick pointer for you – it might be useful, it might not.   But why not type up a list of your issues – things that are causing you stress and concern – and it can be literally anything.  Perhaps just in dot points – and then take that along to your GP appointment.  Then if you perhaps forget something, then you’ve got that a memory jogger;  or alternatively you could pass it to the GP to read and you can discuss the issues at the time of your appointment.  Just a suggestion.

Kind regards

Neil

[MrsCam]

Starlight you are most welcome...

I know it can be hard to admit to needing help but as Neil said, the gps listed on this site are ones that are known to be understanding and non judgemental so if you feel talking to your regular gp might be too difficult you could always try one of these.

Try not to feel ashamed... Obviously these mental health conditions are quite common, otherwise forums like this would not exist, so take comfort in that. As my counsellor said to me last week we wouldnt expect a diabetic to be ashamed of needing to take insulin so we should not be ashamed of needing to take ADs...

Good Luck with it all and remember there is always people here for you 🙂

[_Starlight_]

hi again,

I've been struggling so bad..the past week to even get out of bed to go to school i tried to miss the bus on purpose to get out of school but it didn't work..I'm so far behind with all my school work and homework.. because i'm constantly worrying and thinking negatively about everything and anything to even care about school and my life right now.. why am i feeling this way i just want this feeling to stop! but it just wont go away. whatever this feeling inside is.. i feel like its taking over for good.

 I've taken everybody's advice and i'm booking a psychiatrist appointment next week on Tuesday.after i kept saying i will then changing my mind that i wasn't going too. A close family friend of mine is taking me there, so i have kinda no choice.. as she wants to help me get better.. if that's even a word. I really hope i don't pull out when we get there.. because i'm terrified and this is a huge step for me.. I'm just hoping it will take this feeling and pain away..