What is wrong with me?

yuuko_san_666 · ‎29-06-2014

As the title indicates, I want to understand what exactly is wrong with me; or whether someting is wrong with me at all. So i would appreciate any suggestions. I can't remeber the last time i felt happy. A few years back I used to cry everyday- twice. One, before going to bed and second, after returning home from school. Everyday I would remind myself of all my insecurities and all the reasons i should be sd about. Moreover i couldn't share these feelings with anyone in the fear that i would annoy them. Soon I lost trust in family and friends and would keep to myself. This started a few a years back and had persisted till date. I stopped studying because of this. The crying stopped after a point of time. But the emptiness stayed inside me. I have considered taking my life a few times but held back because of my mother However, as of late, I have started crying again. I thought that sharing it would perhaps solve the problem, and so i did share it some close people. However I regretted the fact that i ever shared it with them. Not because they didn't care. They listened untill the end but didn't want to understand. They simply told me to let go my silly problems and focus more on my life. Even my best friend gets annoyed. Hence I am confused whether this poses as a real problem or the ramblings of a teenager.I would like to understand that the most. Like i said any help would be appreciated. Please excuse any mistakes in grammer and sentence construction. Thank you.

AGrace · ‎29-06-2014

Hi yuuko,

Thanks for being brave enough to share and welcome. In contrast to what you've found by speaking with your friends, here on the forums there will be plenty of people who can relate and understand.

It sounds like you're experiencing symptoms of depression. Characterised by low mood and a lack of interest in doing thingsthat you would usually enjoy. Im not a professional and therefore unable to offer a complete diagnosis, but there are plenty of psychologists and psychiatrists out there who can.

Have you had a read of any of the depression fact sheets/resources on the Beyondblue website? These would be very useful. Id also suggest seeing a GP. If you dont want to see your usual Dr then Beyondblue have a good list of GPs available on their site who have experience in dealing with mental health.

The other option is to use the BB phone line or webchat services, as the trained staff will be able to help you decide where to next. The one thing ive learnt from posting here is that you never have to go through anything alone.

I hope you will get some additional support, and keep posting as often as you need. Even if just to feel heard or understood.

AGrace

White_Rose · ‎29-06-2014

Dear Yuuko_san

Welcome to beyondblue. It's good that you have found your way here and written your concerns. Thank you for trusting us. There are many people who post here and will be able to talk to you about your difficulties.

It is not good to feel the way you describe. I believe the best way to find out the cause is to go to your GP. This is the best place to start. It's true that teenagers go through all sorts of ups and downs but you sound as though there is more than this happening to you. Teenage depression is quite common, although please do not take this as a diagnosis. I am most definitely not qualified to make that call, which is why you should see your doctor ASAP.

Not sure who you talked to about your fears. Perhaps some friends who are your own age? There is plenty of information available on this web site. Scroll to the top of the page and explore the tabs. Or go to the bottom of the page which gives the same information but set out differently. You will find information for yourself and for family and friends. There are also other resources.

If you are still at school, is there a school counselor or chaplain you could talk to? These people are very well qualified to help you and can refer you to other help if necessary. Talking to your friends who have no knowledge of what you are experiencing can be frustrating because they will be unable to help you.

I also suggest you have a chat to one or both of your parents. Parents do love and care for their children and I am sure they would be horrified to think you are concealing your unhappiness because you think they would be annoyed. I would never be annoyed with my children if they had your problem unless they did not tell me. Probably your mom will take you to your GP and it will be good if you go with her. But if not, please go anyway and get some resolution about what is happening. Then you can get the appropriate help.

Please get back to us and tell us what is happening in your life. At BB we all care for everyone who posts here.

LING

geoff · ‎29-06-2014

dear Yuuko, I want to thank you so much for having the trust in all of us so that we can help you.

Being a teenage is not easy, as there are so many pressures put onto you, not only with class subjects but also with peer groups, and then your ability to try and sort all of these issues out, which is more important at your age, and although your subjects rate a huge amount, it's the peer pressure that is also put onto you, to conform with them or to avoid them.

You obviously love your mum and I'm sure she loves you, and it would be heartbreaking for anything to happen to you.

Your friends don't have the capability to know or at least understand what you are going through, all they want is to go out with boys and then gossip away, but at their age it's not really their fault, because they haven't learnt the true facts of what can happen in life.

And because you are now suffering badly from depression, then please believe that in the end you will much more mature than your peers, and a much stronger person, but at the moment you need help, and I am pleased you have come to this site.

On this site we all make spelling mistakes, I know I do, but that's unimportant, and it doesn't matter whether you are a teenage, all it means is that we have to watch our wording back to you, otherwise it won't be posted.

OK are you able to discuss this with your mum, but if you worried that it may upset her then you have a couple of options.

1 Is to go and see your doctor or click under 'get support' at the top of this page where will be a list of doctors who are aligned to BB and who you can contact by yourself, and 2 is to keep posting on this site, because all of us here have been through hell and back, and totally understand what you are trying to cope with.

We have had other teenages or adolescents who have also come here wanting help, advice and suggestions, and they have had so much response from us so I hope that you will continue.

Look forward to hearing back from you and just a reminder your post may take a few hours to be posted as the Moderators have to check it, but we will reply back to you. Geoff. x

yuuko_san_666 · ‎30-06-2014

Thank you very much for listening to me and replying to me. I really appreciate it. Thank you very much.

My father died a few years ago. I suppose this was the time when i started to feel this way. My best friend left me around the same time. She wasn't there when I really needed her. Morever I lost many of my childhood friends.

My dad died of leukemia. I never got to know him and didn't even go visit him at the hospital. I was a horrible daughter back then and probably still am now. My mother never told me about my father's illness and I had big hopes that he would recover and come back home. After my father died I didn't cry and went ahead and appeared in my exams at that time. I wish I had cried then. I wanted to be strong for my mother because I knew that if I cried she would eventually break down. My best friend blew me off whenever I went to talk to her. She wanted to join the popular crowd. Since then my mind has started creating problems to torture me. Over the past few years I have been struggling to get rid of this feeling..the emptiness. But like I mentioned before, I still cry a lot. I don't want to trouble my mother. She is busy earning for me and is already struggling a lot. She is also still grieving. None of us really moved past this.Moreover I want to be overcome this myself.

Thank you again for your suggestions and advise. I went to the get support page today. I do have high depression.

Thank you again.

White_Rose · ‎30-06-2014

Dear Yuuko

I am so sorry to hear about your father. I can understand how devastating it must have been for you and your mother. Are you an only child? It puts a great deal of pressure on you when there are no other siblings to help bear the load.

I think I can see why you did not visit your father in hospital. As you say you wanted him to get better and come home. By not going to hospital you were able to fool yourself into thinking he would return. Please try to forgive yourself. You must been a young teenager at the time I am guessing. At that age (do I sound like an oldie?) you believe you can make things happen by will power and I think you are doing it now.

Please Yuuko get some help. Depression is not something to cope with on your own. You would not try to cope with serious physical illness alone and depression is serious.Your friends cannot offer you the support you need and neither can they help you to get well. It's not a case of being a horrible daughter or a horrible anything else. You are unwell and need medical help. It really is as simple as that.

If you talk to your doctor he/she can help you. You never know, your mom may also decide that some counseling would help her as well. One of the things that divide families is the lack of communication and trust. I don't mean that you distrust your mom. I mean you need to trust her more by telling her your difficulties. She will not be angry or upset because you have a common sadness and you can tell her how bad you feel because you did not visit your dad. Tell her you wish that you had known fully about his condition. It will be a hard but I think you will both grow closer over this.

When two people share the same grief it is easier to bear together. I suspect your mom would love to talk to you about your dad, especially if you do not have many memories.

I'm glad you looked at the resources here and now it seems you are depressed it is not a time to struggle on your own. I do understand that "bothering" people seems wrong. Guess what! Everyone who writes on this forum feels the same. If you read some of the other posts you will see the same story. It's the illness that messes with our minds and tells us how worthless we are. Don't believe it. You are as worthwhile as everyone so get help and show how strong you can be.

I hope you will get back here and give us an update on your progress. I'm sending you an electronic hug.

LING

geoff · ‎30-06-2014

dear Yuuko, I can only agree with Ling as there are so many people who are in the same situation, and this any fault of theirs, and should never ever be blamed, because trying to cope with depression is such a powerful illness, and no one can overcome it by themselves, it's impossible as far as I am concerned, however I accept what you say ' I want to be overcome this myself', however there are certain problems that lie inside you which you may ignore, and these are what worries me.

You are still grieving from your dad passing away, and please I offer my sincere condolences to both you and your mum.

The main problem with depression is that it's a hidden illness, in that we keep it to ourselves for far too long, and it just pesters inside of us, gaining momentum as time goes by, so please I implore you to seek some professional help.

Please keep posting as we want to help you. Geoff. x

White_Rose · ‎01-07-2014

Hi Yuuko

Haven't heard from you for a day or so. I hope all is well. We are always here to help and support you so keep in contact with us.Please tell us if you find our suggestions a bit overwhelming. Sometimes I think we can be so anxious about people and we want them to get well ASAP that we say too much. Just take what you can.

This is just a quick note to tell you we care. Come and post again.

LING

yuuko_san_666 · ‎02-07-2014

Thank you all for replying to my posts. Sorry i couldn't post earlier as there was some stuff going on with college registrations. I really really aprreciate that you people listened to me and cared. I've been feeling a lot better after reading your posts and did think about therapy. I know that i really should try therapy. But there are two problems. One is that therapy is not a widespread practise here. High school and college teens rarely go to therapy. The parents are pretty conservative. And so is my mother. She doesn't support the idea of therapy and nothing will convince her. The second one is that therapy costs a fortune as there are only a few places which provides quality therapy. We don't have counsellors in schools or colleges because like I said, the treatment provided by counselling and therapy is not a widespread idea. Maybe it will become in 10 years or so. So can anyone suggest any online free therapy sessions? Thanks a lot. I feel a lot better today! 🙂

geoff · ‎02-07-2014

dear Yuuko, thanks for getting back to us.

Can I say that by parents being conservative like mine were, as Dad was a GP, that by sending their son/daughter to therapy would be classified as taboo, and that shouldn't be the case these days.

If you go to your GP he/she will be able to put you on a medicare plan where you get 10 free visits to any psychologist or psychiatrist but I prefer the the former as they are more friendly.

Other than this why don't you ring the 'web chat' line on the number above and they will then be able to advise you as well as help you. Geoff. x