My feelings count too, don't they?

[Nicolejp84]

Hi so I don't really know what I'm doing here, but here goes nothing. 

Im a sixteen year old girl, and I live alone with my mum who suffers from both depression and anxiety.  I personally have never had any kind of mental illness but my mum has had depression for as long as I can remember. When I was about nine my parents got divorced, and I think this took a real toll on mum.  About two years later my mum decided to move away to a different city, and she took my little brother with her, but being 11 and nearing the end of primary school I chose to stay with my dad. Everything was okay and then about two years ago I started to feel trapped and depressed, like most fourteen year olds except I decided to move in with my mum. At the same time by brother came and lived with my dad so  for a year now it's just been me and my mum.  For a couple of years while mum was living away she seemed in the clear, and doctors told her everything was fine and there was no more depression.  When I moved in, a couple of months later she was told that the depression was back, except this time it brought a friend called anxiety. For the past eight months I've been trying my very best to help mum out, and because I've had experience with her depression in the past, I'm doing ok. Lately I've just been feeling really lonely and ignored, and I know and understand her situation I really do but I just feel like she's the only one who is allowed to have feelings. Because of this I am hopeless at showing emotion and even when I know I should talk about how I feel I can't. I'm too used to having to be the strong one and I guess I'm just tired of feeling like a second thought, and feeling like what I feel is nothing  compared to what my mum is going through and that I have no right to feel this way. I feel selfish because I get so upset but I can't help it. 

I guess I was just wondering if there was anyone out there in a similar situation because  (I know this sounds so cliche) I just was someone to understand what I'm going through. 

[AGrace]

Hi Nicole, 

Welcome. You have as much reason to be here as anyone. 

Your post reminded me of my childhood, so I will share some of my story in the hope that you dont feel so alone, and that people understand. 

My dad cheated on my mum when I was 8 years old, with my best friend's mum. This crushed my ideals of my father,  and left my mum in despair. I felt so alone because my mum was too caught up in her emotions to care about how I felt. My parents got back together a year later, and I was left feeling like my opinion didnt count.

When I was 12 it happened again. My mum slipped back into depression and again no one was available for me. I recall thinking "but ive cleaned the house, cooked dinner nearly every night, I've done really well in school, why am I not good enough?" My mum cried a lot and I desperately wanted someone to help her but felt like there was nothing I could do. Eventually they got back together.

At 16 it happened yet again. This time I felt like my mum didn't have a right to be upset. She was. She had a nervous breakdown, and sought some treatment. She soon stopped taking medication and seeing her therapist. I decided that I couldn't take it anymore and spoke to a school counsellor. She called my mum in and my mum denied everything.  I felt so invalidated. A year later I worked up the courage to confront her with how I'd felt all these years. I told her that I wanted to help her but she needed to help herself as well. I got an appointment to see a Psychologist and she told me I was the child, and by no means responsible for my mum. From here if my mum ever got upset I'd tell her to seek support, that it wasnt for me to be her shoulder all the time. It was hard and for a while she did nothing. Eventually she got some help from a professional. 

Seeking help for myself and recognising that I couldn't be her go to person all the time was what saved me. My mum still suffers from depression today but she sees a Psychologist for support. 

I hope this has helped in some small way, even if just to let you know I understand,  and you're not alone. 

Im happy to chat more if you would like, and no doubt there will be others who have experienced similar situations.