Trust and hurt and looking for someone who understands

[Guest_322]

Hi,

I'm not really looking for advice but more for understanding and someone who can relate (?)

I have a lot of issues trusting people. I keep my expectations of almost everyone around me super low. Low or no expectations means I can minimise any potential hurt. I generally expect everyone to leave anyway.

When you're used to being let down, broken promises, people telling me things that they don't mean, people saying one thing then doing the exact opposite, etc, it means that I take everything that people say with a hefty dose of salt.

I can rationalise/ intellectualise/ justify/ reason away people's actions and situations but what does that achieve? A big, fat nothing. I'm still left with what feels like a massive hole in my heart.

The shrink that I used to see (I mean my psychologist in this instance as I have a bad habit of calling both my psychiatrist and psychologist my "shrink") often commented on my ability to understand my own actions and emotions as well as those of people around me. But so what? No amount of so-called intelligence or so-called insight or so-called "metacognition" makes it hurt any less. As for more practical coping strategies, it often just feels like layered bandaids on a wound. Pain is pain is pain.

I think sometimes people- shrinks included at times- mistake understanding for coping. Just because someone understands something intellectually, it doesn't necessarily mean that they know what to do with said understanding.

Can I just reiterate that I'm not seeking advice?

I'm only hoping that someone understands (?)

Yes, I'm posting in the Young People section but I'm more than happy to hear from anyone who gets where I'm coming from. Older than me, younger than me, same age- I don't mind. I just want to feel heard.

Thanks and hopefully my convoluted post makes some sense. However little sense that might be...

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for all the support and thoughtful responses. I've mulled it over.

Kaz, you can clearly empathise with my struggle. Yes, I agree that sometimes the mind and our emotions don't seem to be in sync with each other. I mean, they are connected but it certainly doesn't feel that way a lot of the time.

"Paralysis by analysis?" That's clever! I agree with you that it can be a fine line to walk. In saying that, I suppose some people have more of an innate need- temperament, reasoning style, etc- to analyse than others.

And you're most welcome. Thanks for letting me join your virtual band btw 😉

Sara, hello, hello...yeah, transmitters that fire together, wire together as is often taught in undergrad psych.

Trust is complicated, I guess, but I agree that if it's been broken enough then it's natural to remain cautious. Self preservation 101: better safe than sorry.

I'm glad you found X (or X found you). Breaking the pattern was/is a big step forward for you. I hope you continue growing in yourself and in your relationship with X.

Paul, hi to you too! It was very thoughtful of you to drop in to see how I was doing. Yes, I agree that Sara does put some good threads out there.

Mary, you dissected my initial post in 2. Points for your logical approach!

Yeah, there does seem to be some sort of roadblock between head-speak and heart-speak at times. As you suggested for yourself personally, a combination of depression and having to face confronting truths delays your cognitive and emotional understanding. It's tough...

Even though cognition and emotion are biologically connected, it still often doesn't feel that way sometimes. It's almost like something is amiss but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Maybe sometimes hurt is hurt and there's no way to sugarcoat it. Sure, we can sit here and try to understand our feelings in an offhand, almost clinical sense ("intellectualise" our feelings).

But maybe it's not about understanding why A led to B which led to C and maybe it's what the shrinks like to say about sitting with feelings (pleasant and unpleasant alike). But it's muuuuuuch easier said than done ha, ha.

Not trusting yourself would be a very difficult way to be...I mean, if you don't trust yourself then it makes sense that you don't trust others. Maybe it's misplaced hope and maybe it's sticking to old patterns. I don't know...trust is a sticky topic that I don't have any answers for either.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

I had a sudden brainwave when I was thinking "wait, did I address everyone in my last post (that I hadn't addressed previously)?" Then I realised...oops...

As always, I appreciate your kindness and insight. You're right in saying that there are trustworthy individuals in the world. I guess the issue isn't so much that they don't exist, the issue is not knowing which camp people fall into.

Thanks for hearing me out on finding solace in the non-human. What would some of us do without the arts? No, please don't answer that question because that's a very scary thought ha, ha. I enjoy our conversations too. Keep being you.

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

the issue is not knowing which camp people fall into

Please let me know as soon as you discover the secret, I'll give you a lend of my crystal ball in exchange just as soon as I get it back from the shop: "You can't get the parts you know"

We all - or at least those I know - seek something more from the arts in one form or another. Maybe that is why there is art (though I guess the term 'art' needs to be a tad flexible].

It's not going to disappear anytime soon

I'll go & jot something down in Croix Parler later - bit tired at the moment, work tomorrow.

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

Ha, ha if I ever figure it out, I'll let you know although I doubt that it will happen. Ever.

Yeah, the arts make our existence more tolerable (or at least for many of us). I'm with you there.

Hopefully work goes smoothly for you today with no major hiccups.

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~
You would have absolutely no idea - I do hide it so well - but I'm a worrier.

I'd like to mention something. Please treat my transparent attempt with patience. If I'm on the wrong track: as Maxwell S says "Sorry about that Chief".

In the 70's I was on a range and a pistol malfunctioned near my right ear. It destroyed nearly all hearing on that side and left a permanent ringing it its place (cheapskate government purchasing at it's best).

This affects my ability to enjoy the 'full musical experience' and tones down the world into semi-mono. As my main retreat is visual - books - that's not good, but not the EOTWAWKI

I could imagine some, if needing to be greatly distracted, might have the custom of vastly increasing the volume in headphones or similar until the world steps back a pace.

One might at the time, in the same way as soldiers about to step onto danger light up a smoke, think the needs of now exceed the possibilities of damage later.

For soldiers I'm sure they're right. I did the same myself before going to 'difficult' situations in the police.

Croix