Lacking in social skills - Romance and Autism/Anxiety

[Potatochu]

So a little background information. I have a pretty mild case of Asperger's Syndrome/Autism Spectrum Disorder which, combined with Anxiety, means I lack some social skills.

The people I have told about my Asperger's have been surprised to hear it, because I don't really show any signs of being anything other than neurotypical. I can hold a conversation alright, and pick up on social cues fairly easily, but something that has always eluded me is romantic interactions. I've always struggled to understand how exactly I am expected to act to convey romantic interest.

Recently I've developed a crush on the cashier (about my age) who works at my local EBGames. One of my proudest achievements recently is having been able to hold a conversation with her when I went last, so that gives a good indication of where my social skills/anxiety are at in this context.

Basically what I'm trying to figure out is how I'm meant to act on a crush on someone I'm essentially a stranger to. Even if I was a friend of hers I would struggle to make any sort of 'move' so to speak.

Any sort of advice whatsoever is more than welcome, even if it's not specific to my situation.

[Quiettall]

Hi there

Why not take it one step at a time...what I mean is just keep it to general chit-chat a couple of times until you both feel comfortable to take it further....like asking her out for a coffee or lunch.

Dont over-think the situation otherwise you will freak yourself out and that will only make you more anxious

Good luck and keep posting as others might also add helpful advice

[Potatochu]

Thanks so much for the reply!

Honestly your advice seems very reasonable. My biggest worry is that I may be pressuring her or otherwise making her unreasonably uncomfortable by asking her out while she's working. Going any further than friendly conversation is where my social skills falter, so it's all kind of new territory for me.

Your approach makes a lot of sense though, so it's something I'll think about and hopefully everything works out ok.

[Zeal]

Hey Potatochu,

Welcome to the forum, and thanks for your post!

I was actually misdiagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when I was in primary school. I was very shy as a child, and I found social interactions awkward until I was around 18. Thankfully, I find most social situations fine now, and I'm not shy anymore. I'm not extroverted, but not introverted either. I'm not sure of your age, but I think you might be a bit younger than me. The fact that people are surprised to hear you have Asperger's is great, as you are clearly able to function fairly well socially.

Like you, romantic relationships eluded me. I didn't have my first date until I was 19, and my first boyfriend was at 21. I am now almost 24, and I have been in a great relationship with my second-ever boyfriend for 1.5 years. He accepts me just as I am, and actually likes my quirks (including my self-deprecation about my anxiety/OCD). I am open and honest with him, which has benefited our relationship hugely.

Now to the advice...

Talking to this girl at the cashier in a relaxed way was definitely a great start! It would be ideal if you could chat to her at the end of her shift. Maybe you could go there once at closing, so that she's not busy with work and customers. However, she may be tired and wanting to get home after a long shift, so be aware of this. Just asking her about how her day has gone is a nice way to start a conversation. Smiling and standing up straight are important when interacting, as is talking calmly. I used to talk really fast when I was nervous, and this would make it awkward for the other person when they couldn't catch what I said.

You can ask if she would like to hang out sometime or have coffee. Do this when you feel the time is right, perhaps after you've had several conversations with her on different days.

Here are some resources you might like to take a look at, and save to your computer when you need info:

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=47 (improving self-esteem)

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=46 (anxiety)

If you feel you need more help, seeing your doctor (GP) about your anxiety is a good option.

It would be great to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Potatochu]

Hey Zeal, thanks for your reply!

It's nice to hear about someone who has been in a similar situation to myself. As you suspected, I'm a little younger than, having just turned 21. I also have almost no experience with relationships so reading your advice and personal experiences is really helpful. 🙂

I'll definitely follow yours and Quiettal's advice, as it seems to be my best option from having talked to people online and my psychologist about it. At this point I'm planning on trying to have a few conversations with her on different days so that we start to get to know each other; and once it seems appropriate, I'll give her my number so as not to pressure her or otherwise overstep any boundaries in asking her out.

The links you provided seem like they could be quite helpful, and I'll make sure to also read through those and take what I can from them. Once again, thanks for your thoughtful response, and I hope I can put your advice to good use.

Potatochu

P.S. I have a plan of action, but if anyone has additional advice anyway I'm still more than open to hearing it! 😄

[Doolhof]

Hi Potatochu,

You sound like a really nice person, considering how to approach this girl so as not to seem too pushy or put pressure on her.

She may very well appreciate this approach. The more you chat to her, the more easily you will find relating to her.

You may like to check out a place you would feel comfortable taking her for a coffee or a meal or what ever. You could also suggest she brings a girl friend if that would make her feel more comfortable.

I don't want to burst your bubble here, but she might already have a partner. If that is the case, it doesn't mean you need to stop chatting with her, it just means she will probably not go out with you anywhere. By staying friendly with her, you will build up your confidence and communication skills.

She may have some girlfriends as well that drop by her workplace...

All the best, cheers from Mrs. Dools