Trust and hurt and looking for someone who understands

[Guest_322]

Hi,

I'm not really looking for advice but more for understanding and someone who can relate (?)

I have a lot of issues trusting people. I keep my expectations of almost everyone around me super low. Low or no expectations means I can minimise any potential hurt. I generally expect everyone to leave anyway.

When you're used to being let down, broken promises, people telling me things that they don't mean, people saying one thing then doing the exact opposite, etc, it means that I take everything that people say with a hefty dose of salt.

I can rationalise/ intellectualise/ justify/ reason away people's actions and situations but what does that achieve? A big, fat nothing. I'm still left with what feels like a massive hole in my heart.

The shrink that I used to see (I mean my psychologist in this instance as I have a bad habit of calling both my psychiatrist and psychologist my "shrink") often commented on my ability to understand my own actions and emotions as well as those of people around me. But so what? No amount of so-called intelligence or so-called insight or so-called "metacognition" makes it hurt any less. As for more practical coping strategies, it often just feels like layered bandaids on a wound. Pain is pain is pain.

I think sometimes people- shrinks included at times- mistake understanding for coping. Just because someone understands something intellectually, it doesn't necessarily mean that they know what to do with said understanding.

Can I just reiterate that I'm not seeking advice?

I'm only hoping that someone understands (?)

Yes, I'm posting in the Young People section but I'm more than happy to hear from anyone who gets where I'm coming from. Older than me, younger than me, same age- I don't mind. I just want to feel heard.

Thanks and hopefully my convoluted post makes some sense. However little sense that might be...

Dottie x

[blondguy]

Hey Dottie...

There is nothing convoluted about your thread topic...its actually a good topic

Just in case anyone missed what you said and if I may quote/repeat;

Dottie Said: "Can I just reiterate that I'm not seeking advice?

Dottie....I like what you said about your shrink........."I think sometimes people- shrinks included at times- mistake
understanding for coping. Just because someone understands something
intellectually, it doesn't necessarily mean that they know what to do
with said understanding"

I dont really have any advice for someone as bright and well articulated as yourself. Just from my own experience in my early 20's I had a great shrink who always told me that I used to over analyze everything to bits using a microscope every second of the day.....but thats just the rocky road I had to travel on for myself (no advice or course)

I do agree that sometimes its just 'wordspeak' from some psychologists and psychiatrists that I have seen since I was 23. To say one understands your issues doesn't necessarily mean they have experienced the pain you have/are going through Dottie.

I hear you loud and clear

you have my full respect and admiration as a person that I could only dream about being when I was 23 Dottie

my kindest

(Hugs) If thats okay of course

Paulx

[CMF]

Hey Dottie,

yes, I understand. I don't let many people get close, I don't trust many and I keep people at arms length. They say less expectation = less disappointment and it's true. If someone does do something positive it doesn't let me down as usual I consider it a bonus and am grateful but I don't get complacent with this as I know i was just st lucky that time. I've been very hurt and when these people smile at me now I smile back but I will never ever forget how they treated me. I try not to rely on people and I keep my distance. I think for me it's the best way to be.

cmf x

[Guest_322]

Hi Paul,

Thank you so much for responding, and moreover, for hearing and empathising. Also, it was helpful to hear about some of your past experiences.

Of course the hug is okay. Yes, I'll accept it. Thank you again.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi cmf,

You heard me loud and clear and I hear you loud and clear. I think we share an understanding as to why we have the expectations we have (or lack thereof).

I can definitely relate to your self sufficiency and your rationale behind it. My wall is sky high too or at least offline. You can only be hurt so many times before you learn to keep defenses up.

It's super cheesy but there's a saying about how feeling heard is often when we (I?) start to heal. Thank you for hearing me.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_1055]

Hey Dottie,

Here is some of my thoughts:

Expectations....Yes I have been learning about having expectations on how a certain person should be or act towards me . I didn't actually realise that I had done this . Often I would feel hurt by this person. So now when I feel hurt by them I look deeper within myself and find out that I unconsciously had placed an expectation upon them. I also think this person could sense I had unconsciously placed an expectation on them to be a certain way. So they felt like they couldn't be free and also felt a pressure of some sort. Letting go of expectations allows the person freedom to be whoever they are meant to be. This also allows them to freely choose to love you.

Having a wall....um can be a protective wall, like a boundary or fence around ones self. Or can be a type of wall that is so thick and tall that no love can reach the person hiding behind it. Or no love can came out from the person to others.

A massive hole in one's heart.....I think this hole is the spot that is meant to be filled with love. Perhaps a type of love from parents as one is growing up.

Anyway just some of my thoughts Dottie. And there is no need to reply to me either. You are free......

Shell xx

[Guest_322]

Hi Shell,

I really appreciate how you shared some of your thoughts.

I think mine is more of a one sided wall. Sometimes the love- or whatever it is- flows out but I don't really let it in.

Thank you again for visiting and responding. I'm grateful for your perspective.

Dottie xxx

[AGentleSoul]

Hi Dottie123,

I understand what you are going through. It's a quite a tough process dealing with trust issues and the pain of broken promises,being let down by others and people saying something they don't mean. I have experienced the pain and hopelessness that comes from it! It hurts....it hurts really bad. But going through this experience does have it upsides! It makes you understand the beauty of connecting with someone. How it feels when you are accepted by someone and you accept them, the feeling of relief that someone finally understands you and the sense of trust. You will heal from this and it will take it's time, but you will get there! Just remember while it hurts going through this pain, it actually makes you a more beautiful, understanding and caring person. Hopefully, I understood you.

Regards,

AGentleSoul

[Guest_322]

Hi AGentleSoul,

I appreciate how you took the time to write and empathise. Thank you for hearing me. You obviously know what it's like to be let down a lot too. Yes, it hurts immensely especially when it's not a one-off occurrence.

Thanks again,

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

I know you posted your response in another thread but I hope it's okay if I comment on it here.

You have definitely experienced a lot of broken trust and I agree with you that trust is hard to come by.

I think you were(are) very fortunate for your double blessing. They helped fill your core trust/sharing needs beautifully.

As for me, I don't know...to be frank, I have very little faith in relationships. I'm the kind of person who would never fully put my trust in any one person. The only thing- as crazy as it sounds- that I trust isn't even a person.

Anyway, thank you for sharing some of your experiences and trying to understand. And rest assured, I didn't feel like you were trying to advise me. I think you were writing from a place of caring, which I'm grateful for.

Dottie x