Trust and hurt and looking for someone who understands

[Guest_322]

Hi,

I'm not really looking for advice but more for understanding and someone who can relate (?)

I have a lot of issues trusting people. I keep my expectations of almost everyone around me super low. Low or no expectations means I can minimise any potential hurt. I generally expect everyone to leave anyway.

When you're used to being let down, broken promises, people telling me things that they don't mean, people saying one thing then doing the exact opposite, etc, it means that I take everything that people say with a hefty dose of salt.

I can rationalise/ intellectualise/ justify/ reason away people's actions and situations but what does that achieve? A big, fat nothing. I'm still left with what feels like a massive hole in my heart.

The shrink that I used to see (I mean my psychologist in this instance as I have a bad habit of calling both my psychiatrist and psychologist my "shrink") often commented on my ability to understand my own actions and emotions as well as those of people around me. But so what? No amount of so-called intelligence or so-called insight or so-called "metacognition" makes it hurt any less. As for more practical coping strategies, it often just feels like layered bandaids on a wound. Pain is pain is pain.

I think sometimes people- shrinks included at times- mistake understanding for coping. Just because someone understands something intellectually, it doesn't necessarily mean that they know what to do with said understanding.

Can I just reiterate that I'm not seeking advice?

I'm only hoping that someone understands (?)

Yes, I'm posting in the Young People section but I'm more than happy to hear from anyone who gets where I'm coming from. Older than me, younger than me, same age- I don't mind. I just want to feel heard.

Thanks and hopefully my convoluted post makes some sense. However little sense that might be...

Dottie x

[Kazzl]

Oh lovely Dottie! I've just seen this thread and want to tell you yes, I understand - and you have pinpointed one of the big issues for high-functioning, outwardly 'together' people who suffer inside.

Sometimes no amount of self-awareness, metacognition (yep, I'm good at that too) or being able to clearly express problems can counteract the emotional experience. Thinking and feeling are different processes in the brain. I'm delving into neuroplasticity in the hope of finding a new way to work on these things.

One of my problems, being a metacognitionist (is that a word?) is that I get to the state of 'paralysis by analysis'. Overthinking about what I want to do or say, and ultimately doing nothing.

I have no answers for you possum. But I will say I think you're a treasure. I am so very glad you're on the forum, and I thank you for the support and help you've given me and many others.

Love

Kaz

[Just Sara]

Hi my dear sweet Dottie;

You and I go back a ways as you know, and you've been there for me so many times I can't count. Reading your words of frustration, pain and disappointment is hard for me. But you know what, that's ok. What you feel is absolutely normal and worthy of frustration.

Trust is earned... but what if it isn't? What if disappointment and dishonesty prevails as the norm?

As children, we love and trust unconditionally because we don't know any different. As time passes and those we love and trust continue to batter away at our love for them, that normality becomes part of our auto pilot daily mind map.

Subconsciously, we pick up on the slightest suggestion of dishonesty, because we're trained to. Those transmitters and receptors know 'exactly' when to fire up and we automatically respond to people with suspicion.

We're actually attracting the same type of people into our lives that give us what we 'know'; that horrible sick feeling in the pit of our stomach...sadness, disappointment, frustration.

The thing is, you're right onto the problem just by sayig you're sick of it. Bloody well done D-Girl!!

As you know, I've been going thru a transition with my choice of partner. X challenged what I perceived as 'safe'. I thought something was wrong because I didn't feel any fear while we were together! Like reeeeally wrong!

If you want to know more about what I did to attract X into my life, which btw is Kaz's Neuroplasticity concept, please just ask. I'm not giving advice, I'm giving you an option.

You know I'm here for you and so's Kaz.

Love you to bits...Sara xoxoxo

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

When I look back on my post I feel like you might when you sit down to play, having set out in your mind the feelings you wish to evoke, but it will not come - I presume you've felt that way. It was supposed to be polythematic and convey intellectual ideas - which I thought you probably had chewed to bits already - nothing new.

That overwhelming fear of unendurable hurt prohibits trust, that there are some trustworthy individuals scattered though the world like the odd note intentionally played outside, as counter subject to the main thrust. Few but significant.

Further that another human, in fact probably many other humans, have found a partial answer in great giving and seeking solace and reliability in the non-human - you music, me books.

That happenstance plays a role that trumps all, with the lucky some tripping over one of those trustworthy individuals and by some unknown mechanism a bond forms - and for others there is no meeting or no bond

That's all. I could also say "pulling yourself up by your bootstraps" does not seem viable - and probably isn't, despite your Pshinks' hopes -though who am I to say, they may well know more than me.

I can't tell you the unknown mechanism, its not the sort of thing you can tell (no I'm not being more difficult than usual).

What I can say is I enjoy immensely our conversations on music, literature and whatever strikes the fancy.

Would you mind telling me, when you have a moment, what happens in Nausea? As mentioned my French studies were not entirely successful.

My affection

Croix

[blondguy]

Hi Dottie. I hope you are doing reasonably okay. Just saying hi

I just wanted to thank you heaps for your help/support on Sara's thread yesterday (a great thread)

I used to be confused but now I have no idea whatsoever lol

my appreciation and respect for your clarity and wisdom:-)

Paul xo

[Guest_322]

Hi Kaz, Sara and Croix;

Thank you all for your responses. You're beautiful people, you know. I have to get to work soon but I'll get back to you all in a bit.

Thank you so much.

Deeply moved,

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Thank you Paul too!

Dottie xxx

[White_Rose]

Hello Dottie

Just found your thread and felt I wanted to add my two cents worth. I think you are talking about two things. One is the lack or loss of trust in other people and the other is transferring your cognitive knowledge to emotional knowledge. And yes, I'm with you on both. I have a very wise GP who has managed a lot of my depression even though I have also had other professional help.

It has often taken me a while to understand cognitively which my lovely GP tells me is because of battling through depression. Nothing like a good dose of depression to to totally mess up the brain. I also suspect I fight against understanding for fear of then having to do something about it, or perhaps the knowledge is too painful to think about. When I can finally admit the 'whatever' it's time to transfer this information to emotional understanding.

This is the tricky part for me and I suspect for most others. I'm told the information takes a while to percolate, so to speak from head to heart, at least six months. Sometimes I wonder if in fact I have understood earlier and it's the transfer taking it's own time to become heart knowledge. I find it easy to believe that's all I need to do. I wish. But it is at least a start and I find one piece of knowledge often opens the door to related topics. Wow, two for the price of one.

Trust is another beast. I have found via a number of things that have happened in the past eight years that I am always suspicious. I need to dig into everything to test the trust, which of course defeats the purpose of trust. I have no answers for myself or anyone else on how to trust or how to discern who is trustworthy. Like you I tend to stand back and wait to see how things unfold.

I think the person I trust least is me. Even when I know a situation is wrong I stay because I keep hoping it will turn out OK. It rarely does and I vow every time I will trust my instinct, at least until the next time.

I just chopped out a huge chunk of my post because I was way over the limit. I do tend to bang on about topics I feel strongly about.

Mary

[Guest_322]

Thank you for giving me great food for thought, Mary.

Thank you ALL- your responses meant a lot. It was great to read from multiple angles and perspectives.

Kaz, Sara, Croix, Paul and Mary: I'm in a thoughtful mood so I'll get back to you once I've gathered my thoughts. My thoughts are a tad scattered right now.

Many thanks again.

Dottie xxx

[White_Rose]

How is it all going Dottie? Are you managing to round up your scattered thoughts? I am so pleased we have been able to give you something to ponder. And it's good you are taking time to absorb it all before replying.

I have noticed you are chatting to other people round the forum. Good stuff.

Just dropped by to see how you are going.

Mary

[Guest_322]

Hi Mary,

Thanks for checking on me. You've always been so caring. I'm still thinking at the moment.

I hope the weekend has been kind to you.

Dottie xxx