Partner and depression

[catlover97]

Hi I really need some advice! 

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years, we are each others bestfriend and he just recently broke up with me because of his depression. 

The cause of his depression was caused by being forced to move to a different state with his parents, so we had to do long distance for 1 1/2 years. Only 6 months ago he decided to leave his parents and move back down to his original state to live with me. We were both very happy, despite his low days. I am very understanding of his depression as I also have depression and severe anxiety. 

During the Christmas holidays he decided to go and visit his parents for a month, and he had booked his plane ticket back to come home, and also left clothes, PlayStation consoles and bits and pieces, as he was so sure he was coming back to me. 

His parents aren't very 'nice' people, they have tried to break us up before, and they push him with his studies, and put him down quiet abit. They do not like me much at all, (I have not done anything wrong) it's just my boyfriend is the youngest child and his mother does not want him dating (yes after 4 years she still doesn't approve). 

He called me Monday, telling me we had to break up because he needs to get his life together, that he is a terrible and horrible person and he's not the person I think he is. He thinks I can do better than him, and whatever I say he won't listen to me. While he was on the phone he absolutely bawled his eyes out, saying I'll always be the one, (we are each others first loves) and I'm the right person at the wrong time? 

He is very very devoted to me, I trust him 100% faithfully. So this is quiet odd for him to break up with me, seeing as he has swore to God that he would never break up with me (he told me this because I have separation anxiety) and he had told me before he left to visit his parents that he had a date planned out for when he was going to propose to me in the future.. 

Im so confused and hurt, I know this is the depression breaking up with me, because he's very inlove with me. I don't know what to say to him, or how to calm him down. He is on medication for his depression also. 

Can anyone help me out? I feel physically and mentally drained over this. We have never broken up and I'll I want to do is help him and bring him back to me. 

[Doolhof]

Hi Catlover,

I'm not really sure what to suggest here. Is there any way you can go and visit your boyfriend and discuss issues with him face to face? Could you phone him in a couple of days and see if he still feels the same way?

Are you receiving help and assistance with your depression and anxiety? Are you attending sessions with a therapist at present? If so, do you have any appointments booked soon so you can discuss this with your therapist?

Do you have people around you who can offer you support and care if you find yourself going downhill? Do you have strategies and plans organised for times when you are not coping?

You mentioned your boyfriend's parents have their own view on your relationship, so I presume it is not possible to talk to them and let them know you are concerned for your boyfriend. Is he still with his parents? Does he have siblings you can talk to?

It is very difficult for people to live their own lives when someone else is telling them how they should live and whom they should be with.

I wish you all the best with this. Please seek help for yourself if you start to become adversely affected by what is going on. It is only normal in a situation like this to feel hurt, lonely and confused.

Hopefully other people will come up with ideas and suggestions for you as well.

From Mrs. Dools

[catlover97]

Hi Mrs Dools , 

i am am wanting to visit my boyfriend, but I am worried if I go there and his parents tell me to leave, they are very controlling in that way! 

Im quiet worried, he's never been like this, we are very attached to each other as well so I don't know how long this situation will last! His brother is at university 24/7, and his parents work 12 hours a day, so I don't like him being alone up there. He hasn't got any good friends up there either! His family know that he has depression, but they still pressure him to do more study, and push him to do more than what he wants too. So that doesn't help him much at all! 

 it just hurts a lot, seeing as he has told me he wanted to spend his life with me, and even had plans to ask me to marry him. And as soon as he goes back to visit his parents, he starts acting like this! 

 i am seeing my doctor next week for myself, and to get a therapist appointment. 

 thank you for your help 

[KTOCD]

Hey Catlover,

sending hugs your way!

my advice would be to go to him (or Skype him if he is too far away) and ask to meet on a neutral ground - not at his parents place. Ask him to meet u at a coffee shop, etc. have a chat and try to gauge where he is at. Let him know that he is welcome to join you again when he is ready and offer your full support. He will need to decide what he wants to do in the end. It may take him some time to work it all out.

good to hear u have an appointment for yourself. Take care !

KT

[catlover97]

Hi KT , 

 thank you so much! I am considering on taking your advice in which to call him later on during the week, and see if we can arrange to meet somewhere! I'll give him space as well as him knowing I'm always here for him. He has told me many of times that he would be lost without me in his life, and that I am "his light in the dark tunnel" , so I need to stay with him and help him through this! 

thank you for your help! 

[KTOCD]

Hey Catlover,

u should head on over to the BB cafe. U would love the cafe cats - Mocha and Latte.

one thing I do know from experience which I've said before in other threads is that HE has to want to get better and be ready to work on it. It takes time for people to come to this point so you will need to be patient. It is very hard seeing people you love and care about go through this. U can offer support and help where u can but ultimately he needs to take the steps to get better. U can't make him get better despite all of the efforts u put in. Definitely do some self care as it will drain u seeing him like this and trying to help.

hang in there. It is a great support to be in a relationship with someone who understands your mental health issues but with all good things...there is a downside. U can do it though!! 

KT