Not Bouncing back

flower_girl1 · ‎21-09-2014

Hi Everyone,

This is my very first post and to be honest I am kind of terrified of making it. I jumped on this site for the first time 2 weeks ago after a few awe full days, and the first replay message I read on someones thread made me cry. All it took were the words 'I care' and I was in tears.

I have never been an overly happy person. I think I picture my self as one person but in reality I'm completed different, and I've never been completed happy with who I am.

I called myself flower because that's how feel. Like I am that fragile. Every word, every action that someone says or does to me that isn't kind feels like a knife on my skin. No one ever seems to notice just how deep those hurts actually go, or how they don't heal afterwards.

I have had plenty of down days in my life, when to many people said to many not nice things and I ended up paralyzed in my bed dreaming of being somewhere or someone else.

A couple of weeks ago I had a bad day at work, a bad conversation with my boss and a bad result from a teacher at college and I found myself thinking the words 'I'm done' I was just so tired of people, and how cruel they can be. It was the first time I ever thought about actually calling life line, it felt like someone had tied a boulder to my chest and everywhere I went I was dragging it around.

I have felt this monstrous weight before, but I have always been able to go for a run, go shopping have a good sleep and its always lifted. I don't know why but this time its not really lifting on its own.

I don't know if this is depression or just unhappiness. The idea of talking about it is terrifying, but I hate this feeling, and I am scared off what happens if I can't shake it.

I have plenty of family and friends who love me, though I don't know that they really understand me. But both groups have lost someone to depression and if I even spoke a word of this to them I would scare them beyond belief. I've seen what loosing someone to depression looks like, and I would absolutely hate to hurt people like that.That's why I wanted to talk to someone on here about how I am feeling.

I don't want to be told there is something wrong with the way my brain works, but I don't want to be told that I am fine and this is normal either.

I would love any support this page can offer me to get this weight off my chest.

Flower_girl

white knight · ‎22-09-2014

Hi Flower_girl, a very warm welcome here to Beyond Blue forums

I'm 58yo and have live all my life with the same feelings. You can help yourself a lot by reading threads on here. One of my recent ones was "Depression and sensitivity - connected" Which highlights feelings and how they can be devastating.

So indeed, you are not alone. There are several types of depressive illnesses. One of them is dysthymia. You can google it. I call it the sadness illness. Consider this, I've worked in the following places- RAAF, prison officer, security and private investigator. One side of me is the uniformed type, bold, strong, the other side most colleagues never saw- the crier, the poet, the one with incredible level of emotion.

I tried many medications over many years but it was a low dose of anti depressants and some mood stabilisers that did the trick. Could be different for you and I'm not qualified to suggest anything but a trip to your GP and any recommendations he/she give will put you on the right track.

No, its not you, you are who you are and if you indeed have a mental illness please dont take it too seriously. It is serious but managable.

AGrace · ‎22-09-2014

Hi Flower_girl,

It's true what you say, the forums are made up of incredibly brave, strong, compassionate, and caring people who have lived or shared common experiences.

I'm glad that you mentioned the idea of contacting Lifeline when you were having doubts about your will to go on. Both Beyondblue and Lifeline do an incredible job of listening and helping those of us touched by mental illness, and they're definitely resources that you should use if the thoughts come back at any time, or if you need.

In addition to your feelings of sadness I also noticed from your post that you're having some difficulties with self esteem - or not being happy with who you are. This can often be as a result of persistent attempts by others, even if unintentional, to chip away at you, or put you down, or bully you.

Whether it's depression, sadness, or low self esteem it can be managed - as WK has said. I second his advice on going to your GP. If you are worried about what to say or how to express how you are feeling, writing it down can be a good idea. You could even print your post and take that with you. Some of us get a bit concerned about what the Dr might say or how they might react, if this is the case, on Beyondblue's website there is a list of GPs who specialise in mental health who would definitely be able to help you. Your Dr will be able to prescribe what's best for you. It may be some sessions with a therapist, it may be some medication, it may even be a combination of both.

Just like you have opened up to us here, in true flower form, opening up to a trained professional can be very useful. A Psychologist/Counsellor can also go through some useful coping strategies with you - these will help you deal with life's unfortunate circumstances in a more effective manner.

In terms of talking with your family about your concerns, the choice is yours. You may decide to seek some professional support first so that you can reassure them that you are taking steps in the right direction. You may decide to tell them first. Whatever you decide, know that if they have lost someone to suicide in the past, then I'm sure they would much rather know that you are struggling than to find out too late. I'm sure that they care for you, and would only want what's best for you and to offer their support.

Flowers can also be strong - look at lotus flowers who have an impeccable ability to remain pristinely beautiful even in the most polluted environments.

AGrace

flower_girl1 · ‎23-09-2014

Hi Agrace & White knight,

Thanks for replying to me, I wasn't sure any body would.

I have read through a lot of the threads and there is a particular book that keeps popping back into my mind, its called 'Delirium'. It describes the symptoms of being love like it's a disease, racing heart, sweaty palms, babbling, blushing, obsessive thoughts, reckless needless behave and so on. The story follows a girl who falls in love before she can turn 18 and receive the 'cure', she is terrified at first of having the 'Delirium' until she falls in love, of course. As I read through all these list of symptoms so many of them sound like me, so many of the people on here describe days and feelings and thoughts that sound just like me. How can you define something that you can wrap your hands around it?

I've seen you tell people to have a rant if they want to so I thought I would go ahead and give you a little back ground. Earlier this year I lost my elderly grandmother, she was like a third parent to me, always a rock and good for a story. The day it happened I woke up early, (which is weird for me I usually sleep as much as I can). I kept tossing and turning until I looked up at the ceiling and said "I have a feeling this is going to be a bad day". Work was busy as always, but then our computers had a major meltdown, and I thought 'I knew it I'm psychic'. On my way home I got a call from my mum saying my grandma had been acting upset all day and she wanted me to go and see her. I turned the car around, got to her nursing home, and my mum came a little after. Barely 40 minutes later she sais she "had a pain in her chest" and passed away. My mums reaction was terrible, and even though I was shaking and feeling sick I managed to keep in together.

It was by far the worst day of life, I felt retched all week and I couldn't stand listening to my mother retell what had happened over and over. A couple of people asked me if I was alright and I smiled and said I was fine. I miss her, but I knew I owuld have to say good bye to her one day, and I don't regret anything,I saw her heaps before she died, she had just spent mothers day with us and seen a grandchild she hadn't seen in about ten years. I hate the image I have of her in my head after she passed, but I am so glad I know exactly what happened to her, and that I know what the last words she heard were my saying "I love you, I love you very much".

flower_girl1 · ‎23-09-2014

My story continued-

I haven't told anyone I said that to her, and no one heard my say it. It should be a great comfort but when ever I even think those words again I feel like I'm going to explode with grief and I simply don't have time for that right now. My works computers were broken so I had to go to work, my college work was due so I had to go to college.

This is my last year of college and I am not sure if I will stay in my workplace much longer. But since the start of this year I feel like I have been running a marathon. I didn't want to have a break at college because I am almost there and after 5 years I am not giving up. I don't want the learning curve of a new job as I have to much on at College, but I need to work so that I might actually move out, and so that I have something good in my resume. All year I've just been thinking, just a little bit longer, just a little bit longer, then college is over and I can look for a better job.

I am 2 months from the end and I am so exhausted I just spent my whole day off in bed, I have been doing that a lot lately. These last couple of weeks, since that boulder got strapped on, it feels like the week after Gran died, like I'm numb, but this time its like there is no reason. Those peoples comment don't matter but I still feel like the morning of, when i thought something bad was about to happen. I have tried to perk up, by gong for a run, by going to a fitness class, by reading my favorite books, seeing a movie with friends. Nothing. I still feel down and nervous, (other alternative is I am actually psychic, but only time will tell).

What if 2 months doesn't make a difference? Should I wait to see if no homework and a new job make me feel better? What if I wait 2 months and I feel even worse than I do now.

Flower_girl

flower_girl1 · ‎23-09-2014

What if I leave my job, finish college and find that all of that was just hiding this feeling? But what if I go see my doctor and some guy in suite tells me I am being ridiculous? I don't want to feel this weak, tired, stressed and on the edge of crying for another 2 months anyway. when I go to work I always take a deep breath and a smile and try to ignore my heavy heart cause I don't want anyone to see it. Same thing when I go to college. It should go away when I come home, but I just stare at my homework, even if its only an hour of easy work it feels like its just to hard. I don't think I have smiled a real smile for a long time now.

flower_girl1 · ‎05-10-2014

So I decided to quit my job, my boss isn't happy with me, but i am tired of making them happy and being miserable myself. I finally manged to calm down and get my heart to stop racing. It worked but now I just feel down, instead shaky. I have so much i need to do from important stuff like taking out NRMA and basic stuff like cleaning my room. But all I want to do is sit here, or sleep, those things just seem to hard. I have spent heaps of time with ppl lately but it was exhausting, everyone else was just having a nice time, I felt like I was at work.

AGrace · ‎06-10-2014

Hi flower_girl,

Well it looks like a lot has happened since I last posted to you. I'm glad that you made the decision to leave your job. Sometimes we can spend a lot of time procrastinating. If we make a decision then the what if's are no longer worrying us, because instead we're taking action. Whether the decision be right or wrong, a decision is often better than unnecessary worry.

I'm also glad you had a little "rant", or in other words shared with us your story. I'm guessing a lot of what you might be feeling could have quite a bit to do with the fact that you haven't been able or willing to give yourself time to properly grieve. It sounds like there's a lot to do with your grandmother's death that you're holding on to. When we don't want to forget someone, or we aren't ready to truly let them go, we tend to hold onto grief. Somehow I think we think it holds the connection between us and that person. Sometimes we think it's going to be too painful if we just let go. As you mentioned you might "explode". I'm not going to say it won't cause suffering - you loved your grandmother, so naturally it will hurt to grieve and morn the fact that she is no longer here in the physical sense. But what it won't cause is secondary suffering.

I talk about secondary suffering with a lot of people. To explain it in brief, it's when we stop ourselves from feeling a legitimate emotion but in doing so cause a secondary emotion instead. So by not grieving, or holding onto hurt/sadness a number of other emotions (or sometimes numbness) are coming up for you in other aspects of your life. Do you think you can relate to this idea?

Secondary suffering can be exhausting, hence why you might be feeling fatigue, disinterested, or like pleasurable things are more of a chore than something enjoyable.

Now that you have left your job, I hope that you will be able to focus on these last few weeks of your studies, but I also hope that you might be able to give yourself some small spaces of time to grieve. I recall thinking exactly like you about someone that I needed to grieve for. Like if I opened up the waterworks, I'd have no way of stopping them - "I might literally explode". My Psychologist used the analogy of a pendulum. Sometimes you need to go back and forth from the grief, or in other words let it go in small doses.

AGrace · ‎06-10-2014

Have you thought about writing how you feel down in a letter to your grandma to start off the process? You might even like to write a subsequent letter to your mum, explaining what the process was like when you felt you needed to be the strong one, for her, and how you are proud of your last moments with your grandma. Often we don't even need to give these letters to anyone, the process of writing is often cathartic enough.

You also mentioned in your previous post some concerns about seeing a GP. If you are concerned about your GP not taking you seriously, there is a list of GP's available on Beyondblue's website. These GPs specialise in mental health and would definitely be able to steer you in the right direction.

I hope this is helpful, and I look forward to hearing back from you.

AGrace

Flex · ‎14-10-2014

In reply to your 1st post give Life Line a call because the sooner you talk with a trained councillor about Your problems and feelings the sooner you can cut loose the heavy weight your feeling and not have to keep dragging that invisible weight around with you any longer, and going for a run is great but sometimes we really need to talk with a professional about what we are experiencing & or going through before it can feel like we have completely shaken it off & capable of moving forward again. Hope this helps..

Kind regards,

Flex