Not Bouncing back

[flower_girl1]

Hi Everyone,

This is my very first post and to be honest I am kind of terrified of making it. I jumped on this site for the first time 2 weeks ago after a few awe full days, and the first replay message I read on someones thread made me cry. All it took were the words 'I care' and I was in tears.

I have never been an overly happy person. I think I picture my self as one person but in reality I'm completed different, and I've never been completed happy with who I am.

 I called myself flower because that's how feel. Like I am that fragile. Every word, every action that someone says or does to me that isn't kind feels like a knife on my skin. No one ever seems to notice just how deep those hurts actually go, or how they don't heal afterwards.

I have had plenty of down days in my life, when to many people said to many not nice things and I ended up paralyzed in my bed dreaming of being somewhere or someone else.

 A couple of weeks ago I had a bad day at work, a bad conversation with my boss and a bad result from a teacher at college and I found myself thinking the words 'I'm done' I was just so tired of people, and how cruel they can be. It was the first time I ever thought about actually calling life line, it felt like someone had tied a boulder to my chest and everywhere I went I was dragging it around.

I have felt this monstrous weight before, but I have always been able to go for a run, go shopping have a good sleep and its always lifted. I don't know why but this time its not really lifting on its own.

I don't know if this is depression or just unhappiness. The idea of talking about it is terrifying, but I hate this feeling, and I am scared off what happens if I can't shake it.

I have plenty of family and friends who love me, though I don't know that they really understand me. But both groups have lost someone to depression and if I even spoke a word of this to them I would scare them beyond belief. I've seen what loosing someone to depression looks like, and I would absolutely hate to hurt people like that.That's why I wanted to talk to someone on here about how I am feeling.

I don't want to be told there is something wrong with the way my brain works, but I don't want to be told that I am fine and this is normal either.

I would love any support this page can offer me to get this weight off my chest.

Flower_girl

[flower_girl1]

Hi Agrace,

I just finished up my last day at my job. Those last couple of weeks were very hard but I am relieved now that it's over and I won't have to worry about those stresses any more. I have a couple of assignments due that I am very behind in but I am trying to think positively about it as I am nearly finished.

I have been thinking about finding some volunteer work before heading back into the workforce. Maybe doing something selfless and different will be rewarding and calming before I head back into the workforce.

I have been reading a lot of information as suggested, and I think what I am experiencing is anxiety. There was a list of symptoms on here that sounded like me to the tee. Hence I have been trying some of the self help tips you have on here and some I have read in other places. They are helping, though I can't say I feel completely calm yet.

knowing that this has name has also made it less scary and easier to accept.

I am also considering spending some time overseas and maybe working there for a while. Its seeming like a more real possibility now so that's giving me something to be quite excited about.

flower_girl

[AGrace]

Hi flower_girl,

Congratulations on your new found freedom. I hope this is the first of many more positive things to come.

I am pleased that you have found that you best identify with the symptoms of anxiety. It is always so much more of a relief to have a label for why we feel the way we feel.

I'm glad that you have found some of the self help tips useful. I think the key is making the conscious decision to incorporate them into daily life, rather than seeing them as a quick fix, or band aid solution.

I've just recently put up a thread called WHY CHOOSE MINDFULNESS that you might also like to take a look at. It's a skill that I now practice multiple times a day, and the more you do it, the more simpler it becomes to do anywhere, anytime. I think I may have mentioned before that there are a number of ways you can practice mindfulness, but do research it online and youtube.

Wow, a move overseas sounds very exciting!! It's great to hear you making constructive decisions for yourself. Where do you think you may travel to?

Hope to hear more from you, take care x

AGrace

[flower_girl1]

Hi guys,

 I have had a seriously crap day. I was just starting to feel calm and energised again and I started to pole through the home working I haven't been able to do for weeks. I knew i was already very behind but since I wasn't working I thought I could catch up. I just found out because of a timetable mix up that I missed assignment and its huge. The work I already hasn't finished was huge and pressing and now I have more. I have 3 weeks till the college closes and I will either fail and come back next year or hand it in first day back but without teacher help I might not get it right. Everyone is rushing to finish work so I can't get any extra help from teachers or students.

I am so scared about all this that my body is trembling. It feels like I'm tingling with fear about this. I am so embarrassed I missed this and I don't know what the teachers are gonna say. I really don't want to detail with them as to y I got behind. 6 years of study have come down to a month and I might actually fail. If I have to come back there goes my idea of going overseas as well. 

i am willing to work hard to finish this as best I can but the reality is I probably won't finish and then I have to tell everyone that I failed.

but my dear is also making it really hard to concentrate I just can't stay focused when I am this nervous. This is y I got behind in the first place. 

i could really use some support right now.

flower_girl

[flower_girl1]

Meant to write hate the taste of alcohol and have never been drunk.

[flower_girl1]

I'm here, I'm at the gp. I'm so scared !

[HA1]

Hi flower girl

I have been following the posts on your thread, but this is the first time I have replied.

How did the visit to the GP go?  

K

[flower_girl1]

Hi k,

It was intimidating. She said I should have come sooner, which didn't make me feel better I am amazed I got there at all I wanted to run. She is putting me on AD's for now and wants to see me again within a month to see if I need a mental health plan. There wasn't really anything she could do about college though, I did get a friends help to try and catch up a bit, but still really far behind with it all. Right now I am supposed to be spending another day at college to keep working on but God I don't want to do anything. Yesterday was hard and in stuck between doing it and freaking out when I get to a bit I don't understand or doing nothing and freaking out cause I am wasting time.

i wil let you know how I go with the meds.

flower_girl

[HA1]

Hi Flower_girl!

I am really gad that you replied to my post - thank you.

Its good that you went to the GP, it is tough; so good effort.  You will now be on ADs, is that the first time? For some people, but not all, ADs can give you an initial side effect, often a very mild one.  Typically, these will subside after a short time.  Just wanted to mention that in case it happens, and you are wondering why you are feeling a bit different,(e.g. a bit more tired than usual). 

Why was the GP unable to do anything for your college though - I thought you should have received a medical certificate to allow you to apply for special consideration for the assessments.

Good that you went to the GP.  Take care

K

[flower_girl1]

Hi k

Yea this is my first time on my kind of AD. I know there ca beside effects, so far food is making me feel a bit sick and I don't know I feel kind of fidgety in my skin. As for tafe, at this point if I wantto graduate with my class there is a time limit, just has to be.

flower_girl

[HA1]

Hi Flower_girl

Sounds like you are informing yourself pretty well about the meds.  Feeling sick I know of, but fidgety skin is new to me.  Maybe someone else here has come across it.

By the way, I have noticed you posting replies to others.  For so one so young and new to the forum, I am very impressed.  Good on you!  I will look forward to joining in your discussions.

keep us posted on how you are feeling.

take care

k