My depression is ruining my life

[Miserable_girl_x]

I have had Major depression for about 8 years now, and have been dealing with it as it gets worse each year. Since I turned 19 everything has fallen apart and I'm worried that when I turn 21 this year everything will get worse. I can't get a job, I got kicked off campus at uni because of my mental health, and I'm stuck at home because the severity of my depression prevents me from being able to live alone. I have very few friends and am easily ignored or forgotten. I get walked over a lot by people who are supposed to be friends, so I have been removing them from my life. I don't feel like I mean anything or have any purpose in this world. It makes me sad when I realise I haven't achieved anything and will not be remembered. I was invisible my whole life. Just when I started to think things would be better they go back downhill and I lose even more hope. My depression has completely taken over and I'm scared that I'll never be happy again.

[Zeal]

Hi Miserable girl,

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. When I was 18 or 19, things fell apart for me too. Luckily, I am happy and healthy now. I am almost 22. I appreciate how hard the later teen years and early twenties can be.

When you say you were kicked off campus, do you mean you weren't making satisfactory academic progress? This isn't being kicked out - this can happen to people who are struggling with their mental health, as the workload can seem overwhelming. The university I attend has a disability service, where students with any form of intellectual, psychological, or physical disability can register and receive the appropriate help and allowances for their studies. I believe most Australian universities are now required to have this form of support. Also, it's important to really evaluate whether the study pathway you chose was the right one for you. I am only now going into my second year of a Psychological Science degree, which I love. This is the third course I have started, and I know for certain that this is the right degree for me.

Being at home at your age is completely normal. I live at home too, and so do some of my friends. Living alone with debilitating depression is not a great option anyway, so your situation is actually quite fortunate. Even though you may feel your independence is thwarted, it's important for you to have a safe and stable place to live, where you can be around others.

It's hard when friendships fall apart. The one positive you can take from this is that the friends who are still with you are true friends. You can always make new friends later on when you are able to socialise more. Also, some people are very accepting of others' past hardships. One tip though; try not to be negative around friends. I know this is easier said than done, but doing so makes maintaining friendships easier. It's okay for you to disclose your situation to others, but do so wisely and with people you trust.

As you are not yet 21, you still have plenty of time to achieve what you want to in life. What's important for you is to find a purpose; a motivation. This is what helped me overcome my difficulties. I am studying psychology at uni now, which I really enjoy, and I hope to become a psychologist in the future. My studies give my life purpose, and my dream of being a psychologist is motivating. Hopefully you can find something to motivate and inspire yourself.

Good luck with everything,

SM

[Neil_1]

Dear M.G.

Firstly I’d like to say a very warm welcome to you to Beyond Blue and to thank you for coming here and providing your post.

Secondly can I say that what you’re doing with these ‘so-called’ friends and removing them from your life is brilliant.  If you hadn’t already said that, I would have (and others on here would have too) strongly suggested that you get rid of these people, as they are NOT friends.  And the fact that you’ve up and done that already, says a lot to me that you are not wanting to surround yourself with crap people and crap situations and that you WANT to have ‘good things and good people’ around you;  which means you want to get better.

I’m pretty disappointed that a University would take that stance on someone who is struggling with mental health issues – to have that lack of empathy is horrible and if things were a bit different (in that you felt able to) they should really be reported to some proper authority for their shocking treatment to you.

Jobs.   Where you’re living, do you find that you can apply for many jobs?  I hope so;   and what you can try to do (perhaps you’ve done this already) is to widen your ‘net’ in your job search.  So don’t just try for the jobs that you feel you’d enjoy or like;  but try to open up your search, just to increase your chances.  I do hope you’ve got support helping you with this.

And along those lines, I hope that you have good support from your family with regard to your illness – as dealing with this for 8 years now IS a long time;  I hope that you have some professional assistance happening?

Just quickly;   purpose in this life and contributions – please try and put that on the back-burner for the time being;   that WILL happen, but further down the track.  The main concern right now is to get yourself better and healthy.

I do hope to hear from you again.

Neil

[White_Rose]

Dear MG

I am so pleased you have written in to Beyond Blue and welcome to the forum.  There are many people here who will empathise with you so be assured you are not alone in your fears.

Depression is a dreadful illness and as you say, has the power to take over your life, if you allow this.  I know it sounds easy for me to say and almost impossible for you to do. I want to tell you I have been in your shoes. Unable to get out of bed some mornings, afraid of just about everything, convinced of my own worthlessness and a general all-round loser. Please believe that you have started on the road to recovery by reaching out to someone, in this instance to Beyond Blue.

You make no mention of any professional help you may be receiving. Is there anyone helping you? I hope so as you sound very distressed. Perhaps we can talk about it when you reply.

Recovery is a series of small steps, rarely large leaps, although everyone would like to advance in that way. I will repeat the story of a man who died and was told he had to walk a million miles to get to heaven. He decided it was not worth the effort so stayed in the same place. After million years he realised that if he had walked one mile a day he would have arrived by then, so he set off on his journey.

Now I know it sounds trite but this really is a reflection of our journeys. Recovery seems a million miles away and we keep looking at the horizon and saying it's too far and too difficult. Instead we need to look at the next step ahead and concentrate on that.

If you look around the web site you will find a thread under Recovery and Staying Well. The thread is called My Daily Happiness Experience. I think there is at least one other thread with a similar title. The people posting are celebrating the small things that happen in the day that make them feel good. It is a great way to start helping yourself. If something makes you feel good, even if only for a few moments, then record it and rejoice.

You say you have accomplished nothing and have no purpose. Everyone has a purpose, whether or not you have found it. Try, at least for a week, to look for something good everyday and write it down. You can write on this web site or in your own private notebook.  It may not sound much but you are starting to look at what is happening to you and around you, and that can only be good.

I hope to have a reply from you soon and learn more about you. I am sure other posters on this site will respond to you.

Mary

[Miserable_girl_x]

Hi SM,

I was told that I wasn't allowed to live on campus anymore due to a big discussion with the board about my safety and the uni's responsibility for me. I continued the school semester working from home despite the approval from my lecturer who advised that I quit uni.

I know it's silly to think I should have my life sorted by now but all my school year level is growing up quickly (e.g. buying houses with their partners, getting engaged, finding great jobs and starting families) I feel like I'm kind of getting left behind here as I have no independence at all. Sorry for whining but I don't exactly have many close people I can talk to and who understand what it's like for me.

MG

[Miserable_girl_x]

Hey Neil,

Thanks for your reply.

Trying to remove these fake friends from my life has been very hard. One "friend" has been verbally abusing me for months and I have even considered calling the police because some of the things he says are so horrible and really get me down. Another one of my "friends" were just using me for their own purposes. It's really hard for me to make friends so I kind of let these people walk over me which I feel pretty stupid about.

The university provided little help for my mental health, I had a very depressive episode which lead to the decision from the uni to remove me from the campus. My lecturer was not very supportive or empathetic at all, he told my mum some horrible things about me and the lack of contact from the uni board made us lose all faith in the university for help.

As for jobs I live in a very small town, I've applied for every job available but haven't got so much as a callback. It is hard with the pressure from my single mum to get a job as well as the pressure from myself to be a normal person and help contribute to society.

I have support from my Mum and Sister (Dad is out of the picture) and the two close friends I have. I see a mental health nurse every couple of weeks because she is very busy, I have been waiting to see a psychologist for a few months now.

Thank you for the support, I'm trying to keep my head above water

MG

[Miserable_girl_x]

Hi Mary,

It is nice to have someone who understands what I am going through, my friends and family (luckily) haven't been through Major Depression. I was seeing a clinical psychologist but it was too costly so I had to stop seeing her, that was about 5 months ago. At the moment I am seeing a mental health nurse every few weeks when I can get in. 

Also that's a great story you shared and is very true, I am taking very small steps to recovery but hopefully soon I'll be able to look back and see how far I've come. Things have just been very difficult for me right now and I have kind of given up.

I hope to find some sort of purpose in life soon, things are just very bleak right now and so much is happening in my life. It's good to be able to find people who understand me.

MG

[Zeal]

Hi,

Thanks for replying to us 🙂
It sounds like uni is a bit much for you right now, and your health needs taking care of first. I had to pull out of two semesters at uni in 2012 (when I was 19) because of mental illness. It was frustrating, but it was the best for my health, and I also couldn't keep up with the workload. Since then I've transferred to a new degree which I really enjoy: Psychological Science. I'm in second year this year. This is why I like replying on these forums 🙂

Thinking that you should be on track isn't silly. I too thought this. It seemed that everyone else had it together but me. Since then I have met new people and learned new things, and I now realise that more people struggle with moving ahead in their life than I thought. Try not to compare yourself or your achievements with others. Believe me, I know this is hard! If you feel as if you are overwhelmed by what others are doing, don't spend too much time on social media. This seems like strange advice, but this could be helpful.

For you right now, having more independence would be stressful anyway. I assume you're living at home? I also live at home, and find this to be really beneficial for me. It enables me to save money, have my family close, and feel safe. I don't think you're whining at all, by the way 🙂 This forum is designed to be a space for openly discussing your thoughts and worries.

Best wishes,

SM

[Miserable_girl_x]

Hi SM,

So far I've been able to keep up with my uni work but it is a lot harder doing it with little help. It's good to know that you found something you are happy doing now! I'm happy with my Graphic Design course I am doing but it's very technical and I do miss the drawing and painting.

Thanks for the advice about social media, I try not to use it much as I do find myself comparing myself with others and it makes me depressed.

I'm living at home at the moment, my mental health nurse doesn't think I'm ready to live by myself at the moment. It is beneficial for saving money and having the support of my family, but I would like to try to be more independent and move out soon because I feel like a child sometimes with everyone looking after me 😕

MG