Just another sob story.

[67ChevySunburn]

I'm 22. I don't really know why I'm here, pouring words out on a web page nobody will read, but I am anyway. 

Ever since I was a kid I've been a hermit. 

I never did what normal kids did. Didn't like sports. Didn't like meeting new people. I didn't like my own family. Daddy didn't abuse me. My family only ever wanted the best for me I guess but they didn't have the money or knowledge to help. 

I've always had a heart attack at the mere thought of meeting new people. I would rather eat a bar of soap than have a social conversation with a stranger so nowadays I just avoid it altogether - one of my old boyhood friends convinced me to come out to a pub a few months ago and I went reluctantly. I just sat in the corner with my phone until he got tired of drinking and took me home. I remember a stranger saying "Look at that guy...he looks like he's ready to go postal." Yeah. That's me alright. 

I kind of expect people not to like me so I don't make an effort in case I bother them or make things awkward. I don't want to bother anyone about anything so I never complain, never whine about anything and I don't understand why other people do. It further alienates me from everyone else (especially those I work with), and I can see why. I started training for a new job about six months ago after two years of unemployment and I can tell everyone I work with hates me. 

You can see it on their faces. My sadness is written all over my face wherever I go. It brings down everyone I am near. They go quiet and whistle because I don't talk unless I have to and try to have painful, tedious small talk with me about the weather and such things. It makes my head hurt when people do that. Why not just shut up if you have nothing useful to say? I put on a smile because I don't want them to feel embarrassed and talk and make eye contact when needed. I can still see they pity me. Have you ever seen that? When someone pities you? The blank look out of the corner of their eye. I see it all the time. 

I try not to bother anyone, but somehow someone always feels like stepping on my feelings and because I'm a guy I'm supposed to suck it up, but I don't. Nobody thinks twice about the things they say to me because, on the outside, it looks like I just take it in my stride. Every little criticism hurts. It hurts internally, and I can't stop thinking about it. I had a particularly bad day today where I worked alongside an "experienced" staff member who made me feel utterly worthless and completely incompetent, embarrassed me in front of my boss, and just pushed all my buttons. I felt very down afterwards, I really did. If I lose this job I will return to a downward spiral of unemployment and dependency and then I will be truly in trouble.

That's just life I guess. I look around and don't know how other people do it. All the people I went to school with? They have amazing careers, beautiful partners, children, everyone knows their name, they go to university, they juggle great jobs and some brilliant education at a great university, they are smiling and happy in photos. Me? I live with my parents and I can't even finish a diploma. I went into the military but dropped out and told my family I was medically discharged to hide the shame. My sadness is a black hole in my chest that is with me every waking minute, and my head droops from long years of being held low. 

Today more than ever I have wanted to take action. I looked myself in the mirror and said "Nobody will miss you," and that is true, at least after the shock is gone, those who knew me will carry on regardless as if I was never even here. We're all specks of stardust in an infinite cosmos. The world will keep turning if I am not here tomorrow, so what's the point? 

Had a girlfriend once. She left me. Had a long-distance relationship not so long ago. She took my money, abused me, bullied me, used me, left me. 

Every day I find less and less to live for. I remember ever since I was a child I have experienced ridicule, bullying, cynicism, apathy, cruelty, and inhumanity. I remember being bullied in primary school while a teacher looked on from across from the room, pretending not to see what she saw, and it has stayed with me 10 years later. 

And that's that. Just another sob story to make you feel bad. Not sure what I'm looking for here, if anything.

Sorry if I spoiled your day.

[Neil_1]

Hey ChevySunburn (LOVE the name by the way)

Welcome to Beyond Blue and may I say, a huge GOOD ON YOU for coming to the site and posting;  that can take quite a deal of effort and I think it's fantastic that you've done that and opened up as you have.

Um, nope, you sure didn't spoil my day.  A sob story - nope again.  You're not out here seeking attention;  you're simply telling your story and your journey with what you've experienced so far and you're reaching out for support by coming to this site.  A very commendable and courageous thing to do.

Huge positive that you went out to the pub recently;  not only to accept the invitation but to actually go as well.  So what if you felt you stayed in a corner, you were still 'out there'.  Well done.

You've also got a job however there's some things to address here.  You mentioned every little criticism brings you down;  I can understand that, cause I've felt that way in the past - but also if things like that do happen, you need to address these.  Not with the person who raised them, but take them to your supervisor or your boss.  Take them, as in the comments directed to you.  This is workplace harassment and needs to be stamped out.

I would also again go to your boss/supervisor and speak to them about how you are looked upon or spoken about by your work colleagues.  These kinds of practices can't exist in a workplace, not nowadays when everyone has their own rights in the workplace and bullies like these people need to be made aware of the nastiness that they can display to others.

Do you think this is something that you could raise with your supervisor?  I would also ask your supervisor about how they feel you're going?  You might be surprised in that, they may feel that you're doing a good job.  What a huge relief that could be to you.

With regards to others and how happy they 'seem'.  Please don't dwell on this, because it can overwhelm you and in all the wrong ways.  You've mentioned a number of things about how successful people are, how happy they are, etc.  I honestly don't think you could know this, unless you lived with them 24/7.  What I think you'd find would surprise you.  That they don't have as perfect lives as what you think - that a lot of people have their own demons, their own hassles be it with work or their partners, or their kids, or their friends, etc etc.  Just because there's a fence there, doesn't mean the grass is always greener on the other side.

Now ChevySunburn, are you able to let us know what professional help you've got happening or that you've sought this out in the past?  Like GP's, psych's and any medications that you're on?  Just a little more background for what professional help you've got going would be really good to hear about.

Again, thank you for coming on this site and posting your story.  I really look forward to hearing back from you.

Kind regards

Neil