I know I should be happy, but I'm just not

[Kelly97]

Why do I feel like this? I know I should be happy with my life and everything it has given me, but right now I'm just not.

I am stressed internally, like all the time. My head is constantly worrying and over thinking. "Will I ever feel love? Why don't people like me? What am I going to do with my future?" On the outside I look fine, but on the inside I feel like I'm trapped. Not sure where to go or what to do next. I feel so alone.

My friends have all moved on since we've gone to uni and I haven't. I know that I shouldn't be letting this get me down but it does. It breaks me that we have known each other for so long and they suddenly don't put in any effort into the friendship. I am terrible at making new friends. My friends not caring has made it harder for me connect with new people. I get so anxious talking to new people, thinking that I will ruin it somehow. I constantly fear I'm annoying the small group of people that I actually talk to. I have never had a boyfriend... or any boy even look at me. I question my body, appearance and personality because of this. Does anyone actually like me or will they ever. I can never get this out of my head.

I have the best family in the world. But I can't lump all my stress on them. I have talked to my mum about having hardly any friends and having never had a boyfriend. When home alone sometimes all these thoughts come to mind and I cry and occasionally breathe heavy. I can't keep bringing it up to my mum. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be the family disappointment.

I know this is a trivial problem and I shouldn't even be making out to be a problem. I am letting this get in the way of traveling overseas for study which I really want to do, except I worry that even if I'm in a new country everything will be the same.

I am trying to think positively and ward away the negativity but it's really tough I won't lie. But I will say that I want anyone else to know that if you're feeling this way, please know you're never alone xx

[Croix]

Dear Kelly97~

That last sentence of yours:

But I will say that I want anyone else to know that if you're feeling this way, please know you're never alone xx

Says an awful lot about you, it shows a considerate sensitive and caring nature. This has both an upside and a downside. When (not if) you do find someone to share your life you will make them a lovely partner.

It also means you take relationships to heart. There are two major breaks for most people starting out. The first occurs when leaving school, and the second on leaving uni. At that time people do fade away and good intentions and meaning to stay in touch erode away as life pulls people further apart. In truth in a long life if you find three or for true friends (other than your partner) then you are ahead of the game. The rest may be good people, but they are just acquaintances.

It is no reflection on you - or them either - it is circumstances. When friends start having families and kids is the next time (unless you are having then too). Surprisingly enough many years later early friendships can renew if circumstances allow, and it is amazing how easy it is to drop back in as if the years never where.

Leaving uni is a stressful time, quite apart from not being with others you are used to. There is the problem of further study or employment, either being a risk. Money may be a hassle. There is the feeling of being left behind if acquaintances form partnerships or go on to interesting jobs.

I guess if it was me I'd concentrate on your long term goals. If you believe further study will bring you satisfaction and even opportunity then go for it. I know you will be sick of hearing this but things do tend to work out. I found two partners though I could never imagine why even one would want me. I found occupations which I never dreamed I'd do, and this could just as easily be you.

Croix

[Kelly97]

Dear Croix

Thank you for your kind words. It really did lift my spirits when I read it for the first time. I imagine you are such a genuine person to have written something so nice. I really do hope to be a lovely partner to someone someday. I am open to friendships renewing later in life also. I am working towards realizing what my long term goals are for my happiness. I just want to say thank you again for your reply.