I hate myself.

[SnowPatrol]

This is my first post so it's a little scary...my feelings were quite clear when I was contemplating writing this post, however as I sit down to do it my emotions are muddled. One of the prominent feelings I am experiencing is just an deep hatred for myself in every aspect. My appearance mostly - I'm ugly and i'm not afraid to share this view of myself with others. I do not share this out of a want for people to tell me "no, your pretty", I almost do it as a cry for help. In fact it makes me so angry when people tell me i'm not ugly, because they are blatantly lying to my face. I know i'm ugly, I have eyeballs- and what saddens me most is no one besides a plastic surgeon can help me.

On these forums when people comment on their appearance, the solutions offered is; to not focus on the negatives, that you should appreciate your health/able body, and that personality is more than appearance. All the solutions do not help me at all, I agree i'm appreciative of what I have, however to me my ugly face is an issue.

The worst part in my opinion is that if I had a good personality, it would make up for my bad looks. I'm a terrible person. I'm lazy, rude, selfish, and unmotivated.

I feel lost, I have no idea how to fix myself- how I should behave and act. I'm over feeling sorry for my self, and my constant loneliness and crave for attention.

Despite the fact that no guy would ever want me, I cant even find satisfaction in my own friends. I have friends however they don't like me and I don't like them. I'm not close with anyone, and I would never show my family my true self. The person I am around them, is different to the person who I am around my friends, which is different to the person in my head.

who am I? and what did I do to deserve an ugly face, it's not fair.

I'm not important to anyone, I have no idea what to do with my life. I feel my only purpose is to have children, however to do this I need a partner, whom I could not get as I am me. If I wasn't here no one would notice or care.

I'm not depressed as death is my biggest fear, I want to live. I'm not anxious as I never stress over anything. I'm just numb to life.

[blondguy]

No worries SnowPatrol....I will stick to this chat subject instead of the other one

It does take some time to figure out how these forums work.I remember when I started..I was all over the place

Your posts are important to us SnowPatrol...

Paul

[SnowPatrol]

Thanks for your understanding Blondguy,

Do you have any advice in regards to my first post on this thread?

x

[blondguy]

No worries SnowPatrol

You mentioned in your first post..."I'm lazy, rude, selfish, and unmotivated"...

ummmm..with all respect...I dont think so, I see a proactive person....because a lazy, rude, selfish and unmotivated person doesnt have the strength you do....Self expression isnt a problem for you:-)

You are very hard on yourself SnowPatrol....Some people I know off the forums dont have the ability you possess to post on the forums....seriously

You are amazing....

my kind thoughts

Paul

[SammyD100]

Hi SnowPatrol

As others have said, welcome to beyondblue – you have shown a lot of courage reaching out for help and you have been able to articulate your thoughts so clearly! Hopefully you are feeling the support of the BB community and are starting to feel more positive.

There’s been lots of good advice already, so I thought I’d pick up on something that stood out to me as I read your post.

You say that you are lazy, rude, selfish and unmotivated. I wonder what evidence you have that this is the case? From the way you have expressed yourself - your clear appreciation for the responses and support you have received, and your ability to return to the forum to check for new posts and respond to these – these actions suggest that you have a real level of motivation, commitment, tact and sincerity. Has anyone ever told you that you are lazy? Rude? Selfish? Unmotivated? Or are these some possibly unhelpful attributes that you are projecting onto yourself? I would like to be able to gently challenge you a bit more on these if you are open to this?

Sometimes we tell ourselves things that we think are true, and as a result feel terrible, and project these feelings onto other people. And then we possibly get into a vicious type of cycle where the way people respond to us (because we have projected our negative thoughts onto them) becomes more and more negative because that’s how we’re interacting with them. And then over time this becomes more and more self-fulfilling. But in actual fact, if we can go back to that initial thought, it was never really all that accurate to begin with? So for example I might say to myself, “I’m such a dull person, no one will want to be my friend”. As a result I’ll feel a bit down about myself. Then the next time I’m at a social event or a class etc, I’ll be thinking to myself, “no one will want to talk to me because I’m dull”. As a result, I might keep to myself, hide in the corner, stop myself from approaching people and saying hi – and no one will talk to me. That will reinforce what I was thinking of myself, and I’ll believe it even more.

This may not be the case for you but I wonder if there’s a small chance that some of the things you are telling yourself are possibly exaggerated thoughts?

Keep chatting on the forums SnowPatrol and all the best!
SammyD

[quirkywords]

Snow patrol,

Quite a few people have given you interesting answers and suggestions and most of all listened to you..

I can relate to parts of your fist posts. at times I too am rude, lazy selfish and unmotivated but I am not that all time and I can you tell you arempolite in the way you have replied or other posters.

we can get stuck on names but he fact you see yourself as described by those names to me means you have insight and probably they sometimes you may behave like that.

people who are like that rarely admit to it..

I feel the way we feel about our looks can be affected by what people say to us. A family member told me I was letting myself go and not looking after myself and I looke d much older than I am. That upset but after weeks of reflecting the words I feel this is not my problem. I am no model but I feel ok about how I look after myself.

images about beauty and ugliness change over time and through cultures.

I would not tell,you to think of the positives. It to think about what matters to you, what you value, what is important to you.

Thanks again for your honesty.

Quirky

[SnowPatrol]

Hi everyone,

Firstly, I just want to thank everyone for taking the time to read and reply to me. Upon revisiting this forum and the words I have written previously, I realise they unfortunately hit me now more than ever. I realise the only way to fix my feelings is to not care what’s others think of you, and to be honest I don’t really. No one has ever insulted me in my life, my only enemy is myself,..

My face is a constant that again can only be fixed by plastic surgery however my body more specifically my stomach is not. I am involved in quite a lot of sport however I believe it’s my diet that lets me down... im scared I am getting to the point of developing a eating disorder as the idea of limiting my food intake is at the forefront of my mind. I know this sounds absurd but guys don’t really worry about what your face looks like as long as you have a good body. And so achieving a flat stomach has become my goal....whilst this sounds sad in some aspects it has given me hope.

In addition to these seemingly new waves of thought, I want to add that I have gone on medication for the last 2 months in order to fix my skin. I have experienced no side effects besides from mild memory loss. Whilst some may atribute my feelings to this drug, I was already feeling this way prior...

looking forward to hearing from you all,

x

[Croix]

Dear SnowPatrol~

Once again I'd have to say I think you are wrong. It is not really you that is your enemy, it is simply the illness talking. I know, you will find that hard to believe, in fact unless you think about it for a while you would find it easier to discount what I say rather than take it seriously.

My depression, anxiety and PTSD fooled me completely into thinking everything that was wrong was my inadequacies, my fault. Those thoughts about myself seemed to me at the time to be completely genuine and reasonable (illness can be so convincing).

You believe the body (including the face) is the passport to a mate and happiness.

OK, you may not have the face or body you might like, as I said before I've no idea of your appearance.

I came to treasure, love and then marry and just as importantly stay with my first partner (sadly since passed away) for her kindness, understanding, capability, and for being fun to be with, plus I because could rely upon her absolutely. My previous expediences with a couple of more glamorous girlfriends had not worked.

My partners smile is my fondest memory of her, which is why I mentioned it to you before. It is also what first made me 'see' her among a whole bevy of her workmates.

Nothing wrong with trying for the fittest most healthy body you can. In some rare circumstances plastic surgery can be appropriate too. I don't know your situation but suspect it may not be quite as you perceive it.

Please forgive me for saying this however reading carefully what you say I suspect you are speaking from the point of view of both an unhappy background plus inexperience. "guys" is a vague generalization, "want a good body" is another. Good bodies fade in time - then what?

You, like everyone else, needs someone that values you the person. The person who has suffered, the person who has had to learn. The person that can offer understanding from her own trials. You have so much to give and only have to find one person out of he whole world that needs your giving and wants to give back.

It may take time perseverance and medical help to reach the stage where your thoughts leave you reasonably comfortable with you, but it is doable.

I'm not exaggerating, or distorting, just telling you the truth - I'm simply relating the changes in me (even though they were for other reasons they are the same changes)

Croix

[nonza]

Hi this is my first day on this site and I am glad I came across your post because i feel the exact same way, I am not attractive at all and my personality is the worse, I am very socially awkward and nervous in public, i have no humor nor emotion and I am very shy which means that overall i am not a very good person to be around. I guess that I am writing this comment so you know you aren't the only one, I don't have very good advice because because it is what I struggle with the most but yeah.

I think that it is important to know that ourselves are our own worst enemy, and it shouldn't be the case, I feel like sooner or later you and I both are going to have to except who we are, because we only live once and life is too short to ponder over what we are and what we aren't. I think acceptance is a big key and if you can find a hobby or something that you are passionate about for you to focus one, than maybe you will feel less worthless (I don't know what I'm writing to be honest), for me it is drawing, when I feel upset I will sit down and draw and whenever I draw I stop thinking about everything else because I am purely focused on getting the colors and proportions right on my piece.

I think you have to except who you are and just be yourself because trust me I have learnt the hard way (and you probably have too) trying to be someone I'm not and just end up making a fool of myself even more.u just have to be yourself and if your current friends don't like you for who you are than it just wasn't meant to be. Their is around 4 billion males in the world and unless you have met every single one of them who say they don't like you have just as much as a chance of finding a guy as everyone else, just because you have found the one yet, that doesn't mean he isn't going to come along. I know you are saying you don't know who you are but I think that it is normal if you act different depending on who you are with (I mean i do anyway), to put it into perspective, when you are with your friends you may use slang, swear and talk about boys, but on the other hand if you were to meet the queen than i highly suspect you are going to act completely different...

anyway this is it I guess, not sure if I was helpful or not but I guess the one thing I want you to get out of this is that you are not alone

[SnowPatrol]

Hi,

I'm so sorry it has taken this long for me to see your post!

Honestly it was the best thing that has happened to me all month, I have never met or talked to someone with such similar ideologies to me. It helps a great deal to hear you relate to me too.

I completely agree with that you are saying about acceptance, and confidence (more so lack thereof).

I don't know how to act, who to hang out with, my purpose in life or my priorities....

love to hear your thoughts...

SnowPatrol xxxx

[aggy2801]

Dear SnowPatrol,

I know exactly how your feeling. Right now i hate everything about myself. I'm learning to try accept myself for who i am although its proving rather difficult. I hate my body image, i'm overweight and ugly and i know that i am but when other girls say, "oh no your skinny" it makes me angry as they're lying to me. It also annoys me when people talk about body image for attention, they'll say their ugly when they know they're pretty. Some people have come to our school and talk about body image, and one person told us to just never talk about it ever. Honestly that was the worst advice i have heard. When it comes to loving your own appearance it's about accepting your flaws and loving the worst parts of yourself. People have told me this before and it's hard to do. I'm still trying and it doesn't help that i'm one of the most self conscious people in the world, sometimes it's just about letting your confidence shine through. Also i think its important that we don't look up to such unrealistic expectations, for how someone should look. And everyone has insecurities.

You say that your selfish, lazy and unmotivated and i think that i am too. I'm unmotivated to d anything, i spend my free time lounging on the couch and i don't always put others first. It's important to remember that everyone has their flaws and everyone has positives to you have positives to your personality even if you can't see them.

I don't feel close enough to anyone to tell people about how i feel as i once tried to tell my friend and she ignored me. I hope that someone will notice that i'm unhappy but i know that no one will. Sometimes we just have to do stuff for ourselves and sometimes we are the only ones who can make us feel better. I hope that this will help somewhat and i'm sorry if it doesn't. Just know that other people like me are going through the same stuff as you.

aggy2801