I hate myself.

[SnowPatrol]

This is my first post so it's a little scary...my feelings were quite clear when I was contemplating writing this post, however as I sit down to do it my emotions are muddled. One of the prominent feelings I am experiencing is just an deep hatred for myself in every aspect. My appearance mostly - I'm ugly and i'm not afraid to share this view of myself with others. I do not share this out of a want for people to tell me "no, your pretty", I almost do it as a cry for help. In fact it makes me so angry when people tell me i'm not ugly, because they are blatantly lying to my face. I know i'm ugly, I have eyeballs- and what saddens me most is no one besides a plastic surgeon can help me.

On these forums when people comment on their appearance, the solutions offered is; to not focus on the negatives, that you should appreciate your health/able body, and that personality is more than appearance. All the solutions do not help me at all, I agree i'm appreciative of what I have, however to me my ugly face is an issue.

The worst part in my opinion is that if I had a good personality, it would make up for my bad looks. I'm a terrible person. I'm lazy, rude, selfish, and unmotivated.

I feel lost, I have no idea how to fix myself- how I should behave and act. I'm over feeling sorry for my self, and my constant loneliness and crave for attention.

Despite the fact that no guy would ever want me, I cant even find satisfaction in my own friends. I have friends however they don't like me and I don't like them. I'm not close with anyone, and I would never show my family my true self. The person I am around them, is different to the person who I am around my friends, which is different to the person in my head.

who am I? and what did I do to deserve an ugly face, it's not fair.

I'm not important to anyone, I have no idea what to do with my life. I feel my only purpose is to have children, however to do this I need a partner, whom I could not get as I am me. If I wasn't here no one would notice or care.

I'm not depressed as death is my biggest fear, I want to live. I'm not anxious as I never stress over anything. I'm just numb to life.

[Croix]

Dear SnowPatrol~

I'm glad you posted. It may have been scary, however this is a pretty friendly and understanding place. That courage won't be wasted.

Frankly you sound very down, and I'm not sure it is all about looks. The things you say about being unmotivated, hiding who you are from family, and a different mask for friends and being a terrible person - plus being numb - all reminds me of me when my PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression was really biting.

May I suggest first off you see your doctor, say what you have said here, then see what happens. You may have depression, if so treatment can help -as it has helped me. Again that can be a scary thing to do, but you have done one of those already, coming here.

Now I really would like you not to argue about the next thing I say because I know it is true. I've no idea what you look like however a radiant smile to the right person trumps anything. Such smiles simply come from being overwhelmingly happy. I know, at the moment you are not, and may not be for a while. Still it can happen.

Being down and unhappy can be a motivator, I was in such a horrible place it spurred me on to try things (the medical people being just one thing). Can I ask what sort of things have given you pleasure in the past? Maybe even distracted your mind away from current hassles? Doing things for you is not being selfish, it makes for a balance, you become less unhappy. I hope I'm making sense?

I don't think things turn around overnight, I do think one gets better at coping, which can be a source of satisfaction in itself.

I suspect your purpose is there, just needing or be discovered. It may be kids as you said, it may be something else - what do you think?

Croix

[SnowPatrol]

Dear Croix,

Words cannot describe how appreciative I am of your reply. Frankly I wasn't expecting a reply that I would agree with/could help me...however your advice has been so meaningful. Whilst I'm not sure about going to a doctor, your comment on a radiant smile was received. I can not thank you enough for actually validating my feelings instead of just saying I'm sure you're not ugly.

Personality wise, I wish someone just told me how to act. The only thing that distracts me/gives me pleasure is music/Tv shows, so that I can fall asleep without thoughts flooding my mind.

I just want a companion, not even a boyfriend (although that would be nice), just a true friend to have. I know I can't rely of the approval of others but I feel as though this is something I need desperately.

Do you have any advice on trying to figure out my identity?

X

[Croix]

Dear SnowPatrol~

I'm glad it helped, it is true.

Music and TV shows are a start, have you had favorites? We are not that different, movies and books for me. I don't mind re-visiting them either. I really look forward both to the evening and a book or movie and the effect it will have, a bit like heading for an oasis. Would there be any that you could enjoy without dozing off?

I think you are far too alive to simply do what someone else says, I'm sure it would chafe pretty quickly. Learning for yourself does work, more mistakes which hurt, but more happy coincidences too. You do not have to know who you are, you learn. Takes time. Basically happens without thinking.

Wanting a companion, or a BF, is natural and for most of us to be expected we would feel that way. I'm incomplete without my partner. Luckily she feels the same way. It is not seeking approval, it is giving and taking. You do things to make your partner happy, or because your partner needs them, not for mere approval.

Can I suggest you take stock of all the many things you can bring to a friendship? If you are honest with yourself you will find there is an awful lot. You have to think about it though. You said you wore a mask - or two. That helps, you can see what you are doing and can be honest when the occasion demands it, so someone can see you. In a way I'm taking of a mask now. Helps you see other people's masks too.

You talked of being rude - so you know the impulse and can combat it as needed, that makes arguments that much more benign and less hurtful (arguments do happen despite good intentions).

Do you get the idea? I probably sound like I"m lecturing, maybe I am, however I'm just looking at myself and trying to pass on the good useful bits 🙂

Croix

[SnowPatrol]

I'm not sure, I'm just always sad. Never content. I'm not anyone's first choice or favourite, people tell me I mean a lot to them and that I'm special to them but I know there's always someone they'll choose over me. I can't imagine someone ever thinking about me, wondering how I am, finding me attractive, wanting to impress me. No one likes me, wants me, needs me or cares. It's okay I understand. I wouldn't choose me either. I know I'm ugly and a terrible and I'm trying to be better. I know I'm not good enough and it sucks. I wish I was anyone else.

[Croix]

Dear SnowPatrol~

Things come in ups and downs, and you sound down at the moment. Do you mind if I ask if anything has happened to make things worse? All those ideas about yourself do - as I said - remind me of me when I've had illness press me.

You did say you were not sure about going to a doctor, can you say what is holding you back? Many people struggle with the idea to start with.

Croix

[SnowPatrol]

I hate being around people who I love so much, but will never love me...because I am me.

[White_Rose]

Dear SnowPatrol

Welcome to the forum. I agree with you, the first post is so very often hard to write. But here you are writing in a way that explains how you feel and which we can understand. Great stuff.

As I read through your posts and Croix' replies it seemed to me that much of your conversation was about shame. It seems you are so ashamed of what you are, or rather how you see yourself, that being open to compliments and love is something you cannot bring yourself to believe. I wonder how you feel about this. Do you think it's true?

I don't know how you look or what you say to others and I am definitely not trying to make you believe you are different to your description. What I am wondering is, has anyone in your life, at any time in your life, told you or implied you are ugly and caused you feel such a deep sense of shame. I remember in my childhood I was often told I was fat, yet when I see photos of my younger self I cannot see why I was labelled this way. Of course at the time I believed it because it is hard to see yourself properly when you have this overlay, so to speak, of someone else's opinion.

I see in your first post you said, On these forums when people comment on their appearance, the solutions offered is; to not focus on the negatives, that you should appreciate your health/able body, and that personality is more than appearance. I think I would get annoyed at being spoken to in the fashion. In fact I remember someone telling me when I was in a very dark place with depression to 'focus on the positive'. I think my response was very restrained. In reality of course others have no idea what to say and fall back on irritating platitudes. Well we cannot make anyone talk to us honestly.

You spoke of your anger and rudeness. When I start to feel shame I know that's often my response. You don't want to be the person you describe but when someone contradicts you it triggers an outburst because you feel you are being pitied and patronised. Yep, been there.

Croix' suggestion of visiting your GP sounds OK to me. I see you are going to consider it. Your doctor has a great deal of knowledge and expertise in all manner of issues. They need this to diagnose illness and to know when and where to refer their patients. Why not give it a go? You do not need to agree with them and you can walk away. However I hope you will be as open as you have been here and consider what they have to say.

Doctors tell the truth and I rely on this. Give it a go.

Mary

[blondguy]

Hi SnowPatrol!

I didnt notice that you had another thread topic running at the same time

Just so we can make room for new members can you let us know which of your threads you would like us to post to you on?

You will get more replies if we can answer you on one thread if thats okay 🙂

Great to have you on the forums SnowPatrol

my kind thoughts

Paul

[SnowPatrol]

Hi all,

I'm not sure how the thread thing works, I would love to hear more from you all on this chat?

Thanks