I hate myself

[constantthinker]

I'm semi-new to beyondblue. I visited a few months back but found it difficult to read other people's stories because it made me feel pathetic about myself, which I 100% know is the wrong way to think... but it isn't as simple as knowing that it's the wrong way to think because I don't feel like I can control how I think.

I finish year 12 in two days. I genuinely would rather gauge my eyes out with spoons than finish. It scares me. I've never dreaded anything so much in my entire life. School is my social life and the only place other than home I can feel relatively comfortable.

I get nervous crossing main roads. I get nervous going out, and while I really want to go to parties I get so nervous and awkward while I'm there that I just really want to go home. How am I supposed to live life outside of school?

I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel that way about so many little things that it's just overwhelming. I don't even know anymore what's wrong and it's ruining my relationships with people. I keep saying I'll see someone but I finish school and there's no longer anyone to see, and I'm too socially inept to take myself somewhere like a doctor or whoever I see about this kind of thing.

I let my nerves get the best of me and even though I know how to 'fix' it I just don't think I can. I've lost so many friendships because of it that it hurts me to see these people and think anything but "that's your fault, you could still be their friend." I can't talk to anyone or see anyone about this. If feeling this way was a physical body part I would cut it off.

I don't even know what to say here. I just hate myself. I don't want to be like me because people like me don't get to live a life they want to. I feel like smashing my head against a wall sometimes I just can't stop thinking. I make scenarios in my head and dread everything and cry at night when I can't sleep and I wake up every day and cry sometimes still and question which one of my friends will be next to leave because I don't make an effort with them, all because I'm too afraid.

Not sure what I can really do about feeling this way anymore. These fears have been there since year 7 but in light of certain events in the past few months, and especially leading up to end of school, I just don't think I can continue to hate myself like I do but I just wholeheartedly do. I know it isn't okay if I want to maintain friendships after school's out.

- constantthinker

[Mathy]

Hey Constantthinker,

I like that you’ve identified feeling better for the moment.

Congrats on finishing high school - it’s a milestone in school life. Exams are finished, and now comes the wait to see what the outcome might be, I well remember that! What have you planned to do after high school?

You do now have some time to think about how to tackles this anxiety issue. Because, it won’t go away with a change of venue =>high school, or => uni, or => job or, => apprenticeship.

As you are a young person, perhaps Headspace might be a good place for you to check out? Summer break, it will give you some time to work on this 🙂

All the best, cheers M 🙂

[BballJ]

Hi constantthinker,

I like that you came to put a little positivity to your thread and that you are feeling ok, that is good, has the weekend been ok. I know you may not feel like seeing a GP at the moment and no one is underestimating how big of a step it actually is to openly talk about your feelings but if the constant sadness continues I can only suggest how much you may find benefit in seeking professional help.

These forums are exactly what you are using them for which is great.

My best,

Jay

[constantthinker]

Hi all

I have been a little absent, but I am back. I finished school and everything is worse and horrible, I never wanted to finish school and now that it's done I don't know what to do.

I'm only 17 so I won't be going to schoolies, which I know isn't everything but I feel it will make me feel miserable knowing people are out having fun while I'm at home. Partying isn't even my scene but no one ever asked me if I even wanted to do something, I have no idea why it is bothering me a little bit.

For years I have struggled with sleep but there's always times where it peaks in how bad it is. I'll admit sometimes it is my own doing, but the night before my very last exam I could not sleep and went into the exam 3pm on absolutely zero sleep. Now it's just pretty bad and whenever it's like this I just think and cry and think some more and cry. Music works temporarily, so does reading - but when you can't sleep nothing helps. I've been seeing 5am and I hate these periods of sleeplessness because I'm just alone at night with my thoughts with nothing to do - it's torturous.

I have some casual work at a job I got a little over a month ago and I dislike it. The work itself is fine, but I feel super uncomfortable and find it hard to get to know people. Dealing with money makes me feel antsy. I can't even work full time to give myself something to do because the store is on the freeway and requires a license to get there, so even if I managed to get over my fear of public transport I couldn't take it.

I just feel I've hit a brick wall in life, it's prime time and everyone is having fun and I don't know how to do it. I miss the routine of school, of something definite to do. I have never liked the holidays because the desire to do something mixed with the desire to also do absolutely nothing brings me to a stand-still.

My best friend never has time to see me either. I wish she could spend a little time with me as opposed to always being with her older work friends. I had a rough period a couple of months ago and I'm still getting over it, but I feel like I can't even talk to her anymore. Sometimes I feel insecure that because they are older and know more about life she prefers to be with them over me. She admitted ages ago she'd obviously be more likely to ask them to go out rather than me. I know I'm not a social butterfly but I want to be. I genuinely wouldn't see life's worth without her around

Sorry to unload. I appreciate the support
constantthinker

[BballJ]

Hi constantthinker,

No need to apologies for unloading, that is exactly what these forums are for. Sorry about the situation you find yourself in. All things considered I do think it is worth seeing a GP about all of this, the way you are feeling and the fact you are not sleeping is just wearing you down even more, I know you said in a previous post you don't think it is required but it may be worth looking at. They can offer so much in the way of guidance and even speaking with a psychologist can be beneficial as they can help you work through the not sleeping aspect and then through some of the social behaviours you have as well. You truly have nothing to lose by doing it.

Regarding the job, is there a chance to get one closer to home full time that doesn't require much travel time? You do need to keep occupied and not doing nothing so keep looking for full time work if possible as well.

My best,

Jay

[constantthinker]

Hi Jay

I just don't really know how to go about seeing one. I genuinely don't. The prospect of seeing one on my own when my whole life I've had adults to show me how to do things is too daunting to consider.

I have spoken to my mum about my lack of sleep hoping maybe she would want to work it out or even suggest we see someone about it, but each time I've said something she makes no comment. She's all about natural remedies and stuff, and I know in our cupboard we have natural melatonin sleeping pills which I have tried using without her knowledge, but they have done nothing.

And yes, the job is not going to be for long. I plan on finding a new one but seeing as I'm still getting settled I don't want to leave straight away, so I'm giving it a few months.

constantthinker

[Mathy]

Hi constanthtinker,

I believe at 17yo you are allowed to go and see the GP off your own bat. From the age of 15yo you are entitled to your own Medicare card.

Perhaps headspace.org.au, the young folk mental health organisation, might help. They have physical real life centres as well. If you go to their website, you can see what is available for you locally. You can start this process online, which might be less intimidating.

It’s quite normal to be 17yo and not visited the doctor on your own. There’s always got to be a first time, and it sounds like this is something you need to do.

I’m not surprised that Mum’s melatonin tablets didn’t work for you.

What do you need to happen for you to pick up the phone and ring the GP’s surgery and make an appointment? Or, maybe visit a different GP, perhaps a friend could recommend one? And ring them.

Could you make this something to achieve for yourself in the next 4 weeks?

All the best, cheers M 🙂

[BballJ]

Hi constantthinker,

I know it can be daunting but I think just starting the initial step of speaking to your doctor about it and taking it one small step at a time, maybe telling your mum that you want to go to a the doctor and speak to them to get a professional opinion on how you are feeling, maybe she will be a little more responsive about it? I know it is not easy and nobody is saying it is but as I said above, small steps. You can get through this.

My best,

Jay

[Ulysses]

Hi there

you should definitely see a doctor. Your demographics out you at a higher risk. However I also think you should take the pressure off yourself abouthaving friendships. Sure they are important but there are many many people who struggle with this as after all we are social creatures. But friendships can change and not everybody can be a social butterfly all their life. I can name at least ten people I know who struggle with friendships including me. Also I’ve written here before that there are some amazing people in this world who also struggle with friendships such as Nelson Mandela’s, Oprah Winfrey and many many more. A friendship shouldn’t be forced and it shouldn’t define your worth. You are unique and each interaction with others must flow rather than be forced. I’m middle aged and you certainly work this out by then. Go with the social flow.

[constantthinker]

Hi Ulysses

I came back here because I was feeling lonely. I feel it but sometimes it's so much worse and nothing fixes it and it's so overwhelming, I want to scream. I thought I always wanted someone to vent to but I don't, writing here and unloading doesn't help me like I thought it would. I like to write and that doesn't cut it for me anymore, I get frustrated when people tell me to see someone, or when they say everything will be fine or that I am a good person. Sure, I probably could do with seeing someone, and I know that all storms pass, and I know I am not a bad person. I share what I have to say not only because I want to hear alternative opinions but because I just want to throw myself against a wall with whatever is in my head, and I want someone to care enough to hear my problems when I have them and just listen or show interest in it. When I have no one to turn to these feelings are exacerbated, and now that school is over and I spend every day home alone while everyone is out living their life and I am so sick of it. Writing to myself doesn't help anymore either.

I'm not even asking for advice anymore and I genuinely don't know what I expect from people when I do talk to them, I always just feel slightly disappointed and more heavy with the knowledge that at the end of the day no one can actually put themselves in your shoes and genuinely feel what you do, especially not if they have their own problems. And that isn't anyone's fault I don't blame anyone for that, I obviously wouldn't want anyone to feel as I do or anything like that, but I just don't know how I can feel better about anything anymore when I don't see the point in experiencing these feelings I can't explain or do anything with, they just fester inside or like acid just eats away at you from the inside

Sorry all,
constantthinker

[LuLu_]

Hi constant thinker

ive finished school as well. My friends haven’t contacted me and I don’t see the point in trying to contact them.

I don’t know who I am, where i am going or whether i will be here tomorrow. There is so much uncertainty and so much darkness and brutality. Sometimes all you can do is just survive. One minute at a time. If you feel like you can’t take it anymore my only advice if you can’t reach out is to sleep. Be kind to yourself. Rest. Survive.

I am doing mostly nothing. Nothingness seems to follow me. I feel nothing. I am nothing.

I know you don’t want advice but I just want to ask

is there one thing in your life you like? One thing that takes your mind off the bad for a moment? Perhaps take a moment to notice the small details of your surroundings. A crack in the wall. The light and shadows. The sounds. The colours.

Its true no one can feel, think or understand exactly what you are going through. They can relate to aspects of others experiences. But it is true your experience is solely your own. Your life is your own.

Right now you may feel like you have no where to go. And that is okay. I hear you and I am listening. I have interest in the darkness that follows you.

You don’t have to answer. Please don’t feel any pressure. But you are in my thoughts.

Lulu