I hate myself

[constantthinker]

I'm semi-new to beyondblue. I visited a few months back but found it difficult to read other people's stories because it made me feel pathetic about myself, which I 100% know is the wrong way to think... but it isn't as simple as knowing that it's the wrong way to think because I don't feel like I can control how I think.

I finish year 12 in two days. I genuinely would rather gauge my eyes out with spoons than finish. It scares me. I've never dreaded anything so much in my entire life. School is my social life and the only place other than home I can feel relatively comfortable.

I get nervous crossing main roads. I get nervous going out, and while I really want to go to parties I get so nervous and awkward while I'm there that I just really want to go home. How am I supposed to live life outside of school?

I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel that way about so many little things that it's just overwhelming. I don't even know anymore what's wrong and it's ruining my relationships with people. I keep saying I'll see someone but I finish school and there's no longer anyone to see, and I'm too socially inept to take myself somewhere like a doctor or whoever I see about this kind of thing.

I let my nerves get the best of me and even though I know how to 'fix' it I just don't think I can. I've lost so many friendships because of it that it hurts me to see these people and think anything but "that's your fault, you could still be their friend." I can't talk to anyone or see anyone about this. If feeling this way was a physical body part I would cut it off.

I don't even know what to say here. I just hate myself. I don't want to be like me because people like me don't get to live a life they want to. I feel like smashing my head against a wall sometimes I just can't stop thinking. I make scenarios in my head and dread everything and cry at night when I can't sleep and I wake up every day and cry sometimes still and question which one of my friends will be next to leave because I don't make an effort with them, all because I'm too afraid.

Not sure what I can really do about feeling this way anymore. These fears have been there since year 7 but in light of certain events in the past few months, and especially leading up to end of school, I just don't think I can continue to hate myself like I do but I just wholeheartedly do. I know it isn't okay if I want to maintain friendships after school's out.

- constantthinker

[LuLu_]

Hello again

reading back through your posts I realise sleep is difficult for you. Could you discuss your struggles with sleep? Nothing else just how to improve your ability to fall asleep.

I suffer from insomnia due to depression, I take medication but originally I tried a natural remedy which works really well for some people. Sleep is my time to forget everything and not be in utter chaos.

If you can try to discuss this you may find you have a safe place to go. Of course I understand that this advice may not be appealing. I am sorry if what I have said has caused you to feel annoyed or upset. Remember there are natural remedies that doctors prescribe taken in capsule form.

[BballJ]

Hi constantthinker,

I am sorry to read you feel this way and I am glad you came back to the forums, one of the hardest things about mental health is feeling understood, one thing I want to point out is that we all care on these forums, we are here to help and believe me most of us if not all of us have been in your situation or similar so please try not to feel you are alone with how you feel. I know you do not want to hear the whole "You can get better" or any generic advice which is fine, I will try to steer from it. The only reason I suggest seeing someone is that generally trained professionals can help you understand you feelings a little better, most of us on here are just fellow mental health sufferers and any advice we give is just to try and help guide you.

For a little perspective, when I left school, I never got called by anyone to hang out and see how I was going, I don't have one friend from school, I made them outside of school as I got older and started working. I just wanted to write that to show you that I understand the loneliness feelings you are experiencing. Apart from writing, is there anything else you enjoy doing to help try to ease your mind, any hobbies you enjoy? Finding something that distracts you is a key with mental health I feel.

My best,

Jay

[constantthinker]

Hi LuLu and Jay
LuLu, I appreciate your response. It isn't that I have no one to contact, I do have friends, it is just increasingly difficult to show them my own appreciation or to do things when I am incapable of doing many things... but it is something I am attempting to change.
I like your response and appreciate that there is someone out there who is talking to me, a stranger, about similar circumstances. I enjoy reading, and listening to music, and at the moment I spend a bit of time watching this new TV series (Vikings is great, I do recommend), but when you do these things on repeat for some time it becomes tiring. I used to resort to sleeping because I agree, it is sometimes my only sanctuary and like reading, it forces you to stop thinking (or reading makes you think of what you're reading, as opposed to your own thoughts - either way when I do it I am not focused on myself), however sleeping as I've mentioned is difficult at the time and natural sleeping pills have not worked. Soccer pre-season training starts soon so that will also give me a little something extra to do.

And Jay, I appreciate your efforts to listen to what I say but I don't mean to make you OR LuLu feel like you are limited in what you can reply with - I do know things will get better and just a reply is enough and I genuinely appreciate your responses, and while I did say some responses do frustrate me I don't think I can apply that to people on this site as you don't know me and are just trying to be helpful and thoughtful based on what I share with you, and that is more than I could ever ask for so thank you and everyone else who has responded here.

constantthinker

[LuLu_]

Hello

I am glad to hear from you. It is nice you know you have still got your friends. I feel like I can’t contact my friends similarly to you. I just don’t feel worthy of them. I feel like I ruin the fun and their happiness. I feel like a waste of space.

I find it hard to show that i am grateful to everyone. It’s probably something to do with my Dad. He would tell me off for not being grateful enough so saying thank you just became a way to escape being scolded and yelled at. I am grateful I just can’t express it. Sometimes it’s hard to feel it as well when I don’t feel much at all.

I enjoy reading as well. But my concentration is so limited it becomes a little bit of a chore. I find it difficult to get through the pages and to become absorbed in the story. I listen to music mostly to try to feel. It’s helps me relax and distracts me. I was going to start Vikings as some of my friends have watched it. Is it similar to any other tv shows you have watched? What books do you enjoy reading?

I agree. Doing the same things on repeat let’s the darkness back in. Maybe you could go for a walk every now and again for a bit of variation. Personally I never really go for walks. I am bad at following my own advice. But I do ride my horse so I do get out of the house most days. Without him i am not sure where I’d be.

The natural stuff didn’t work for me either. So I had to resort to sleeping tablets. It’s probably wrong to say but I recommend it if your sleep is seriously interrupted. It lets me knock myself out without the worry of waking up at all hours and never sleeping well. It gives me a break. A time when i am unaware of my own thoughts. I started to enjoy going to bed. It’s horrible that the only thing I enjoy sometimes is the opportunity to sleep.

I like playing soccer. How long have you been playing? Are you playing for a local team since you have finished school?

Hope to hear from you soon

lulu

[constantthinker]

LuLu
Music is always a great cure and I am glad that you have something to help you to relax - everyone needs something like that to help them. I've been playing soccer since I was 11, and the thought of going back makes me roll my eyes, but once I start training I love it. And yes, I am really enjoying Vikings, it is kiind of similar to Game of Thrones but only sort of in terms of time and place, like there is a lot of violence and there's kings and queens and all that kind of thing, but Vikings just has more historical accuracy. They are similar but yet very different, but all the same intriguing.
And with books, I am currently reading the Lord of the Rings, although I find it isn't all that engaging. I have a few books stacked up to read now that school is out - Great Expectations (Charles Dickens), House Rules (Jodi Picoult) and The Picture of Dorian Gray (Oscar Wilde), yet I love reading mystery/who-done-it type novels. Have you read anything worth recommending?

And walking I agree is a good thing, especially when I take my dog. My problem is walking by main roads terrifies me most days and I find it difficult to overcome that fear. I have good days, a few days ago for the first time in months I actually took myself for one and it's good, but it doesn't always feel like an option. But it is something I want to and will overcome, it will just take time.

And I am sorry to hear that you don't feel you can talk to your friends. May I ask why not? You said you don't feel worthy, or take away from their happiness, but is that them speaking, or you? Sometimes I feel the same way with my best friend, she is nothing like me and I feel I bring her down... but I think if she didn't like me for who I was we wouldn't have lasted this long as friends, and perhaps the same is for you? I know that train of thought is easier to say to someone else than in practice, but sometimes advice that doesn't work for me could work for someone else.

I would like to hear from you soon
constantthinker

[BballJ]

Hi constantthinker,

Thanks for your reply, I understand what you are saying and I appreciate you saying that sometimes just getting a reply is good and that is exactly what these forums are for.

Like you, music is my sanctuary, I can escape my own mind listening to music and I love music that actually relates to how I am feeling, if I am feeling happy, then happy music, if I am feeling down, then I listen to stuff that is sad, reason I do this is because I think it puts it all in perspective for me and I can somehow realise I am not the only person going through things. We all need that mental escape and it sounds like you are working yours out, I know it can be tough and soccer pre season sounds like it will be a welcome distraction.

I look at everyday as a chance to grow and get better, working through everything is tough but remember understanding you have something to fix is the key and focusing on the people who bring you good energy is also a must.

My best,

Jay