I hate my best friend and my only friend at university

[Lascrea]

Hi everyone, I'll try to make this short

I don't know if it's that the stress of university has made me more irritable or if my best friend has become a rude and selfish hypocrite. We can't have a conversations because by the fifth reply she'd have found a way to offend me somehow. I said I can't go out because I need to take care of my dogs and my parents won't because it's my responsibility, and she said 'this is why I don't like your family' which is uncalled for and disrespectful (she's white and I'm Asian). She's failing y12 and out of concern, I told her to stop going out so often. She got defensive, telling me that not everyone is like me (I had a 99.95 ATAR) and that she 'earned her free time', which is questionable considering she hasn't studied or worked on any of her assignments for days. We're both sarcastic and used to jokingly make fun of people, but now whenever I make fun of a slow learner driver for example, she'd say 'don't be so judgmental', even though she mocked me when I first started driving. She also calls 'fat' people lazy and disgusting even though she's severely overweight. I'm starting to hate her but she's the first best friend I've ever had.

I have social anxiety and making friends has never been easy for me so when I made one close uni friend I told myself I would keep her. But I don't want anything to do with her. I work with her and her boyfriend for a group project And when we have group meetings, she doesn't focus on the work at all and keeps whining to her bf. There's so much to say about this girl that I can't finish in the character limit. We did an experiment that required sterilising equipment and She picked up tweezers dipped in ethanol and held it in the flame, then swung it at her boyfriend, dropping hot ethanol on him. She always does things like this and it makes me uncomfortable. She stuffed up our entire experiment because she didn't know how to use the equipment even though I asked her. She's always late to everything and yesterday, she and her bf were 40 minutes late to our experiment and the labs were about to close but I expected it so I just did everything myself. She's so childish even though she's two years older than me and it's to the point where I'm questioning if she's mentally ok or if she's just attention seeking. She's also racist.

I don't know if I'm overreacting because of my stress or if these situations are enough to say I should end my friendships even if it means becoming friendless.

[Lascrea]

I guess maybe my social anxiety hasn't improved as much as I thought. There's also the problem of potentially meeting people who I still can't get along with - what then?

I almost never go to campus unless I have a compulsory tutorial or experiment, and I study best alone. But I'll try to start conversations in tutorials and hope for the best

[Lascrea]

Hi, thanks for your advice!

I'm open to finding new friends, I'm just afraid that I won't be able to and will be completely alone. With some of my past friendships, we've drifted apart. But this time, I'm wondering if I'm overreacting and it's more my fault than theirs. I suppose I should figure this out before forming and possibly ending new friendships. Once this is solved, I hope that I'll be able to make friends that last longer.

[Lascrea]

Hi, your username is great!

Thanks for the reply, it gave me more confidence that there are people out there somewhere that I will eventually meet and actually get along with in the long term. I'll try to meet more people somehow and hope that some of them will become good friends.

[Hope_for_the_best]

I am not a professional, and I only know you from the posts. It sounds like part of your social anxiety comes from worrying about not getting on with others. I would say there must be someone out there whom you just don't get along with, and it is not always your fault. Don't let this stop you from making new friends. Even if you don't get on with A, you can still get on with B, C, D, E etc.

I would suggest that you go to a counsellor to help with your social anxiety. It is something to be proud of to be on top of studies. Ultimately, you study hard at uni to graduate with good grades so you can find a good job. The last thing you wish is to have your social anxiety getting into your way of a successful career. At uni, you can choose who to befriend with, but once you are working, you just cannot choose who to work with. It is very important for you to find ways to comfortably interact with others.

[Lascrea]

I try to tell myself this all the time, but it's much easier to believe when someone else says it to me. So thanks again!

While I am seeing a counsellor, I think I might have to stop soon. I want to apply for the defence force, and they don't take applicants with mental illness. I can't convince them I'm better if I still need help from a professional. Sounds counter-productive but I'll just have to see how things go.

I'm already experiencing the 'not being able to choose who to work with' problem. My group projects have been draining because I've always been the person pulling the team through, which caused my mental breakdown a couple months ago.

[Lascrea]

Just an update, not sure if anyone still reads this thread.

On Friday, the uni friend - let's call her 'Ann' (short and easy to type) - suggested that we discuss our research poster layout this Wednesday from 10-3. This is the usual weekly time for our group meetings. Then, this morning, her bf texted the group chat to say that he's too busy with assignments to come. I replied with 'that's fine as long as Ann can still come'. Then 'Ann' replied to say that she's in a similar situation and also can't attend the group meeting.

i find this absolutely ridiculous because:

1. She was the one who suggested the group meeting in the first place
2. She always makes her bf drive her to and from campus, so I'm willing to bet this is partially because she doesn't want to have to get the bus home or drive herself if she were to go home after her bf. The fact that her laziness outweighs the importance of our group project really angers me.
3. I take the exact same topics as 'Ann' and her bf. And yet I'm on top of work and have submitted all my assignments due for the next two weeks, and even had time to go to karaoke two days ago. And I still have time to attend the group meeting. So why don't they?

It's like I can only meet the most terrible of people and I'm just over it.

[Hope_for_the_best]

I can see your eagerness to get into the defence force, but you can't convince the selection committee either if you have an existing and unaddressed problem. It is in your best interest to keep up with counselling to address your social anxiety. Working in any jobs requires teamwork and interactions with other people, including defence force. It is not your fault though for your groupmates to be lazy. Things like these do happen, and somehow you need to be patient and politely push a bit to get everyone there. Alternatively, can you guys discuss the project on Skype? It may be easier to schedule than a face to face meeting.

I can see that you are a very well-organised and productive person. These are wanted for the defence force and many other jobs. You should tackle your social anxiety like an assignment.

[Lascrea]

Thank you for the advice, and sorry for such a late reply - been drowning in work the past few days. I do agree that I should seek more help but there’s just so many reasons not to. There’s the cost, the defence force, and the stigma around seeing psychologists - many employers are like the defence force and refuse to employ people the second they see mental illness of any sort on their medical history. I didn’t consider this when I went to see a psychologist for the first time early this year, and now I really regret it. I can’t lie about it and I’m starting to hate myself for seeing a psychologist at all because this has ruined so many potential opportunities.

[HamSolo01]

Hey Lascrea

I have been a bit abscent from forums lately. I would like to say it is because i have been out loving my life but that is not the case.

I'll reply to all you've said at once because I think it's easier that way.

I study government and international relations through my degree and the defense force was an option i had. I agree about them being picky with regard to that sort of thing. I think it's naive of us to expect stigma around mental health to vanish because of RUOK day or Mental Health Month. I am guessing you have probably experienced your fair share of stigma too. I have both in employment contexts and friendship contexts.

This will probably come across as contrarian but i think most people are ignorant when it comes to the reality of mental health. Ignorant in every sense of the word. People have their own conceptions of mental health and what it "looks" like.

In terms of career paths. There is simply no single option. All i know is that there are things which i know i want to avoid. Things like too much debt, bad relationships, constantly changing life circumstances. I have applied for govt graduate roles and on some of them i put down my mental health history and others i did not. I only ever put it down where i was able to talk about my success despite having depression and anxiety. Graduate roles are competitive af though.

Don't ever think it was bad to see a psychologist. Ever. Simply look at the people in their mid 50s who have neglected heir mental health. Therapy wasn't even a thing back then.

Making sweeping statements about whether it was 'worth' seeing a psych or whether it ruins your careerpath is foolish. And as you said, you dont have to disclose in all circumstances. Make a wise choice. But match that wisdom with a logical look at the way the way careers develop.

With my major i might not even know where i am going, but the reality is that none of us do.

Refuse to swallow the crap spouted by 'experts' on careers and all that. It's garbage.

I gtg now but ill be back on later this arvo

[Lascrea]

Hey HamSolo01.

Likewise - I haven't touched social media in a while, not because I've been out in the real world, living the life, but because of the exact opposite.

I guess it's fair enough that the defence force wants to recruit people who can handle stress better without having a mental breakdown in just the second semester of first year university. It's fair enough that they think I'm weak because it's true. But the fact that they don't consider the circumstances that caused my breakdown is what gets to me. I was too naive at the time, about people and about the world, but that's changed now and they won't give me an opportunity to show them that.

When I was accepted into this medicine course, I wasn't at all concerned about employment because the need for more doctors in Australia is precisely the reason why medicine is so popular these days. But, now that there is an oversupply of doctors, it contributes to my stress even though graduation is more than 5 years away.

I guess there's no point thinking about what I've already done in the past. Now all I have to figure out is how to work around the legal consequences of lying on a medical history form if I were to ever lie.

I also have no idea where I'll end up after graduation. That's why the defence force is so enticing - it's a stable job. Despite having to serve around Australia and maybe overseas, the job itself is stable.