I hate my best friend and my only friend at university

[Lascrea]

Hi everyone, I'll try to make this short

I don't know if it's that the stress of university has made me more irritable or if my best friend has become a rude and selfish hypocrite. We can't have a conversations because by the fifth reply she'd have found a way to offend me somehow. I said I can't go out because I need to take care of my dogs and my parents won't because it's my responsibility, and she said 'this is why I don't like your family' which is uncalled for and disrespectful (she's white and I'm Asian). She's failing y12 and out of concern, I told her to stop going out so often. She got defensive, telling me that not everyone is like me (I had a 99.95 ATAR) and that she 'earned her free time', which is questionable considering she hasn't studied or worked on any of her assignments for days. We're both sarcastic and used to jokingly make fun of people, but now whenever I make fun of a slow learner driver for example, she'd say 'don't be so judgmental', even though she mocked me when I first started driving. She also calls 'fat' people lazy and disgusting even though she's severely overweight. I'm starting to hate her but she's the first best friend I've ever had.

I have social anxiety and making friends has never been easy for me so when I made one close uni friend I told myself I would keep her. But I don't want anything to do with her. I work with her and her boyfriend for a group project And when we have group meetings, she doesn't focus on the work at all and keeps whining to her bf. There's so much to say about this girl that I can't finish in the character limit. We did an experiment that required sterilising equipment and She picked up tweezers dipped in ethanol and held it in the flame, then swung it at her boyfriend, dropping hot ethanol on him. She always does things like this and it makes me uncomfortable. She stuffed up our entire experiment because she didn't know how to use the equipment even though I asked her. She's always late to everything and yesterday, she and her bf were 40 minutes late to our experiment and the labs were about to close but I expected it so I just did everything myself. She's so childish even though she's two years older than me and it's to the point where I'm questioning if she's mentally ok or if she's just attention seeking. She's also racist.

I don't know if I'm overreacting because of my stress or if these situations are enough to say I should end my friendships even if it means becoming friendless.

[Hope_for_the_best]

Friendship does change over time. You two may come closer or more far apart. It is not your fault. I have a friend whom I once regarded as a best friend, but since we went to uni, our friendship changed. In the past, I had no problems going out with her, but then she became very indecisive, which drove me crazy! She used to be fine with eating in whatever restaurants nearby when we were out, but now she changes her mind all the time after we finally agree on where to dine in. We are still friends, but I don't go out with her that often these days. Your friend and you could just be in a similar situation.

My advice is to keep the friendship, but accept that she may no longer be the best friend as you expect. In my opinion, you should address your social anxiety so you can go and make more friends. It is not healthy to have only one friend around you.

[Starwolf]

Hi Lascrea, welcome to the forums.

Losing a best friend is always upsetting. But people do change and grow apart. Relationships evolve as we do. Not an easy fact of life to cope with.

It sounds like your ex best friend has a few unacknowledged issues of her own. Like most people who have those, she is projecting them on those around her.

You deserve a lot better than that. I think you already know this as you have begun to distance yourself. Unfortunately, there is no building new friendships without mingling with people. Having common interests does help. Is there a hobby or group activity you'd like to join ? Something new you'd like to learn ? I know that studies put a lot of time pressure on you but it is important to make time for your personal needs.

Social isolation is self-perpetuating. Shunning contact with others only reinforces the false belief that we are unlovable. You are obviously intelligent, articulate and also caring and responsible. You'd be great company ! Have you considered counseling to help you over this hurdle ?

Please feel free to keep talking with us. We'd love to get to know you a little better. Navigating the forums could be a good place to start connecting and communicating without the pressure of face to face conversation...The Young people section has its own virtual Cafe (in the Social Zone). A good place to hang out if you need to get away from mental/emotional matters. You mentioned your dogs. Perhaps you'd like to introduce them in the Pet thread in the Staying well section).

Good to have you on board.

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi Lascrea, thanks for writing and welcome to the forums. Friendships do change and evolve over time, and sometimes we need to adapt with them in order to keep people in our lives. Have you sat your best friend down and told her that although you really care for her you've been finding it difficult lately to get along with her because of her judgemental ways etc? You could even write her a letter if you're worried about speaking to her in person. If you don't want anything to do with your uni friend you do not necessarily have to continue to be friends with her. Are there any societies or clubs at university you could join? I joined the cheese/chocolate society and made heaps of friends through there. Maybe on the weekends you could join a sports club or something similar, that can be a great way to meet new people. Friendships are tricky and often take patience and work to keep them, but if it's causing you a lot of pain and stress maybe you could evaluate how you feel about them. Write back soon if you'd like.

[Lascrea]

Hi there,

thank you for your reply and advice. I do try to make new friends but it's difficult this time of year when everyone has already settled into uni life and have made solid friendships and groups. Especially since I hardly ever have time to do anything besides study. I will stay friends with her, and I agree that this friendship has changed and she may no longer be a best friend.

[Lascrea]

Hi Starwolf,

thank you for replying! Reading your reply makes me feel a bit better. I would like to build new friendships but with the social anxiety, I'm stuck between wanting to have fun and make friends, and not wanting to go to anything in case I embarrass myself or in case I don't enjoy it and waste my limited time or just anxiety in general. I didn't think that I was isolating myself, I always blamed other people for leaving me but now I guess it's my fault as well. I have been to a psychologist and I now see a uni counsellor, but there's very little time to sort everything out as uni counsellors only offer short term help. Thank you again for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it. I'll check out the forums.

[Lascrea]

Hey!

I did speak to her early this year when she got worked up over whether psychology is a science, but it didn't help whatsoever. I don't want to surround myself with people who make me worry or frustrated, but at the same time I'm worried about being lonely so I try to avoid conflict

the project I'm completing with the uni friend goes until the end of semester, so I have to at least put up with her until then.

I wish my uni had cheese and chocolate societies! We don't have many clubs, but I recently joined the uni Women's Muay Thai club. It's a very small group, so it doesn't trigger social anxiety related panic attacks, but the girls in the club aren't quite the kind of people I'd be able to become close friends with. They're nice people but I think they would become acquaintances borderline friends at best.

i try to adapt to friendships but it does cause me stress. I still don't really know what to do about it, but I'll keep the friendships for now bc once I end them it'll be impossible to go back.

thank you for replying!

[Hope_for_the_best]

"I do try to make new friends but it's difficult this time of year when everyone has already settled into uni life and have made solid friendships and groups."

Well, friendships can be formed at any time of the year. Technically, you can know new friends anywhere at anytime. Just because others have formed solid friendships and groups do not mean you cannot join them. I really think your social anxiety is coming into play here. I urge you to seek continuous help for your social anxiety.

"Especially since I hardly ever have time to do anything besides study. "

This is a common problem for hardworking students. From your high ATAR, I presume you are also doing very well at uni. It is good to be on top of studies, but you also need to have a balanced life. You can't be studying 24/7. I would say social life is very important for a balanced life. If actively joining new groups is difficult for you, how about you try to interact more with your classmates in tutorials? You don't have to talk a lot and become good friends with them immediately, but something like "How are you doing today? How was the weekend? Are you ready for the test?" will help building your confidence in socialising. Since you are very good at studies, why not help other students who are struggling? These are the ways to interact with more people, and hopefully, you will form new friendships along the way.

[Guest_9546]

Hi Lascrea

I am sorry to hear how you feel.

I remember a few years ago I had an incident with a close friend of mine (which ended our friendship). So she flicked me in the ear (I do not know her motive but I assume she did it as a joke?), I got angry at her, she knew I hated her but didn't want to take me seriously and instead started annoying me for literally one whole year. Whenever she saw me at school, she'd try acting like an attention seeker calling out my name while I'd just walk off and ignore her and I had to literally do that for one whole year. She hasn't spoken to me for about 2 years and to be honest I doubt there would be any proper communication between the 2 of us. Even looking now at her friendships groups I've seemed to notice some of her friends have gone and hung out in different friendship groups (not because they "hate" her)

As some users above have said people move on as time goes on and drift into different friendship groups, not necessarily because they "hate" each other but maybe they could've found out better people to hang out with or for whatever reason.

If you wanted to make new friends then my suggestion would simply be find a study buddy, that person doesn't necessarily have to be on the same academic level as you but he/she could be better than you or even not as good as you. Even if you don't intend to find a study buddy, I'd still suggest talking to others about their learning and how they're going

Unless you have that "fire of motivation" you will not burnout from excessively studying but if you're the type who burns out from study easily then really you need to reanalyse the way you approach things and this could possibly be hanging out with friends during breaks or getting involved with student societies or something.

Does this help?

[HamSolo01]

Hey Lascrea

Reading your story reminded me of a similar experience i have had with friends from high school and such.

Without going into a big backstory, basically as i have gotten older people change around me. This is the case with all of us.

Sometimes you have to sever the communication, other times you have to leave the friendship on pause and other times you have to stick it out. That's life i guess.

Its a hard lesson for someone with social anxiety (which i have) and depression. But as we get older we forge new friendships through whatever it might be. I have found this to be the case.

You are at uni and that is awesome. Well done! I have nearly finished and I've met some pretty great people. Lifelong friends for sure. It can be done, even with social anxiety. It just takes time and patience. Stick it out with some new friends and branch out a tiny bit.

I have recently been hanging out with a friend i had a falling out with back 3 years ago. Times change.

I also stopped hanging out with two friends of mine who were getting on my nerves. They didnt get my mental health.. They arent enemies now, but they just kinda drop off the grid a bit is all. Different interests a d we all get older.

All this is life. We need not let it get us down too much. There are thousands of people we come into contact with in our lives and some will be awesome and others not so much.

Just try to forge new ones. Even if they feel like they aint going anywhere. I know that experience all too well.

Just keep going Lascrea. You'll get there mate 🙂