Consumed by anger

Rusty13 · ‎30-09-2017

Hi all,

I'm in my first year out of school, and I am working full time in a job that has long hours, high amounts of stress and causes me to be dislocated from my family for long periods of time.

Over these last few months, my girlfriend and I have been physically separated due to our respective jobs, but she is now back near the area I live in.

Unfortunately, this has not been the blessing it should have been, because we fight, for the majority of the time that we are together, about the same things. She doesn't think that she has done anything wrong by me these last few months, while I believe she has, and vice versa.

I will openly admit that I have not been the best person, but it has gotten to the point where during our arguments I am absolutely blinded with rage and anger directed towards her, and our efforts to try and fix our relationship is often negated by these periods of anger.

I know I need help fixing this, and this is probably the best place to start. Any and all help, or advice is much appreciated.

james1 · ‎03-10-2017

Hello Rusty,

Welcome to the forums and I'm sorry to hear that having your girlfriend finally move back hasn't been the blessing it felt it could've been.

I hope you don't mind if I ask straight off the bat - when you said you need help fixing this, what specifically are you referring to?

It sounds like you are struggling at the moment in terms of managing the work-life balance, your relationship, and some anger issues. These things are often all linked, but will also have their own difficulties as well. For example, stress at work can lead to relationship issues, but only if there were relationship issues to begin with like an inability to communicate properly.

Is there something in particular you'd want to work on first and have you ever spoken to a friends or a doctor like your GP about this?

James

romantic_thi3f · ‎03-10-2017

Hi Rusty13,

Welcome to BeyondBlue and thanks for reaching out!

It sounds like while you're glad your girlfriend is back with you it's becoming quite exhausting having to deal with all this anger. Do you know where this stems from? How does it usually start?

I'm finding it pretty hard to give specific advice or suggestions without getting a better idea of the situation that you're in;- although hopefully if I can throw some things out there it might resonate with you.

The idea of anger is a bit of a response to a threat. So it comes on quite quickly before we're actually aware that it's happening. Where do you feel it? What happens personally? Being able to stay calm is important so that we can think a bit more rationally about things as when we're angry it becomes kind of overwhelming. Things like breathing techniques and mindfulness can come into play here. Even just taking a couple of deep breaths first or cooling off before talking can be helpful. I know in relationships I tend to try and force myself to wait (I literally count) before responding. That way I know that I'm more likely to respond with a clear (er) head.

The other thing I'm thinking is about the way you guys talk to each other. Anger can be fuel; one person gets angry and the other person gets more angry; and if we say things it can just fuel us more like "it's your fault" or "you started it". One really good resource is this one - https://i.pinimg.com/originals/0d/91/98/0d91980465469288a34c61409936ef08.jpg It's a great way to try and get across what you're feeling and thinking but without getting on the defence.

and finally! Relationships Australia might be really helpful. These guys really specialise in couples counselling which is much more helpful in relationship conflict then just an ordinary counsellor. Their website is here if you're interested - https://www.relationships.org.au/what-we-do/services/counselling

Hope this helps!

Jessicatherese94 · ‎10-10-2017

Hi Rusty, it sounds like your relationship is taking a toll on your life. You could always try couples counselling to talk through these issues. However, if it's really taking control of your life and you feel blinded by rage/anger towards her, maybe it's best to have a break for a while and see what happens? Really sitting down and talking through these issues as calmly as possible may help too. Relationships are really hard work, but if it's becoming too much for you to handle don't be afraid to ask for some time apart.