I feel guilty of being who I am.

[gmc]

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel. (continued in the first comment below)

[gmc]

Hello Neil,

As much as I try to answer, it's not much of a decent answer I can write...

My writings are in a box somewhere in my room, like buried in the past. I don't like to read then, I don't like to read my posts before I press the button "post this reply".

I am trying hard to write again...

Tomorrow I'm seeing the therapist. I have a lot of hope. I would really want to write again, but it's not like I can do it when I want it to, it's like it's hard to take a pen and paper.

Hope you're doing better. I promise to read your posts soon.

[Neil_1]

Dear gmc

Hey, now you’ve got technology, put away the pen & paper, and take up with keyboard and computer – open up a word document or something similar and simply type.  BUT on the proviso that you feel “ok” inside to do so.  To me it sure sounds like now isn’t the best time for you to do that – and so yes, please avoid doing anything like that at the moment.  It’s gotta feel right for you and if it’s not, it could simply put you off it for a long while.

So only do it when you feel like there might be a time when you want too – creative juices need to be stirred for this to happen.

I also wish you heaps of luck with your therapist.

Kind regards

Neil

[gmc]

Dear Neil,

Pen and paper sometimes seem more personal, although Word doc is sometimes even better. Someties. Sometimes nothings good enough.

[Neil_1]

Dear gmc

You know, in the past when I've been at the very bottom levels, I've come onto the computer and I've simply typed - on a word document EXACTLY how I am currently feeling.

Just dot points and I try to get down as many as I can.  Then I'll try to expand on them, if I feel able to.  For me it helps.  But it's purely an individual thing.

But what has turned out now, is that in my manuscript that I've got written about my life so far, that these parts are in it - in the necessary places, obviously, but for me, it really makes that manuscript an even more powerful thing, because when it's being read, the reader is reading my exact raw emotions/feelings of a time when I was down in deep dark hole.

One day I do hope to turn it into a book.

I hope that your week is going along "ok"?

Neil

[gmc]

Thank you, Neil, but right now I feel like doing anything.

[gmc]

sorry: like not doing anything.

[Neil_1]

Dear gmc

And you know what - if you don't feel like doing anything - simply 'don't'.  🙂   Easy.

There's no push and no urgency for you to do anything at this point in time.  You need to look after yourself, you know that - and that's great that you're listening to how you feel.

Take care gmc

Neil

[gmc]

Hello Neil,

I had a bad day yesterday and whatever I was told was no good. I just wanted to be left alone. You know I told at work about how I felt and about previous medication (it was in a group confession on going to therapists, at a party and I told them why I didn't drink any alcohol...). Not to mention anything about this, I told to one of the girls yesterday that I wasn't having a good day, actually a bad one, and she said she'll leave me alone. I actually did better job like this.

I am not feelling way better today, but at least I have some anger control. I will leave to the psychiatrist in about an hour. I'll keep you posted.

[gmc]

sorry, I wanted to write:

...not to mention anything else about them in this post...

and

...I actually did my job better...

[gmc]

So I went to see the psychiatrist. I was feeling very bad, I was annoyed I had to wait so many days for the appointment, and almost a half hour to enter because someone missed the appointment before me and got late, annoyed on the therapists and the psychiatrist I've seen before and by the fact that I don't remember what I've told to who about how I felt. He put me on medication, expressed many times that I should consider hospitalization, which I refused as many times. He listened and asked questions.

I can't say I like him a lot, I was cooperant and hostile at the same time, but we agreed on the fact that I need medication, which I knew and looked for, that I will check with him in two weeks to see how I feel and adjust treatment if needed.

Now let's wait for side effects if there will be some.