I feel guilty of being who I am.

[gmc]

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel. (continued in the first comment below)

[white knight]

Hi GMC, welcome to the forum.

Two things come to mind when I read your post. Firstly individualism. I can only use myself as an example.  I've told my wife I will never ride in a bus. I cant bare to be controlled by a bus driver. Odd? yes it is and certainly impractible. Of course if I really had to I would but not by choice.

I will never join a club. Clubs are full of politics, bullies and jealousy and certainly individuals that dont understand characters like me that are left of field on the fringe.

So my point here is that you have expressed how you are apparently hard to follow for others to assist you. Perhaps you are so different in your thinking due to your abusive upbringing that its hard for others to get through the layers to get to the core of the issues?

Secondly, I am guessing but its possible your hatred in asking for advice is also linked to your childhood. Perhaps someone in your childhood has forced you to do something you didnt want to do?  At any rate you have to bite the bullet in that area to find out where your issues lie.  I was 54yo 4 years ago when I finally found out what the problem was with a close relative that near ruined my life. Now I'm settled and relaxed in the knowledge it wasnt me and the issues I have with depression anxiety etc are now nicely controlled with medication. I dont care what pills I take as long as they do the job.

Medication is one piece of the jigsaw, revelation, finding the right counsellor for YOU, family support, etc all make the whole picture to a brighter future.

Good luck. Dont give up....keep on it

[Struggler]

Hi gmc

Your post has been up for 14 hours and no one has responded to you yet.  I just want you to know that you are not being ignored.  There are so many new posts and it takes time for others to respond to them.  

I am not much of a counsellor but I am posting just so you don't feel that nobody cares.  Other experienced posters will give you good advice soon.  It is indicated there are two posts from you but I can only see one.

Meanwhile, are you still seeing this psychiatrist ? 

Struggler

[Neil_1]

Dear gmc

Firstly, welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.  As Struggler kindly pointed out, that your post has been on the system for some hours - but at times, they don't initially appear due to moderation needing to take place on some posts.  But the important thing is, it's here now.

I'm sorry, but I'm going to be blunt here gmc - I would be ceasing to go to these "so-called" specialists immediately.  From how you've described them, they appear to show no empathy or compassion for you at all.  And boy oh boy, from what I can make out of your story, you really need professional support from 'caring' and well-meaning specialists.

gmc, on this site, Beyond Blue have provided a list of GP's that you can do a search for and hopefully you'll find one or two in your local area.  The thing with these GP's is that they are all qualified to deal with mental health issues.  From seeing one of these, they will be able to best advise you for further referrals to appropriate psychologists/psychiatrists - and will be able to provide you with appropriate medication as well.  I do hope you can do this, because these ones you've been too are not helping you at all.

On this site, we have a number of wonderful ladies who post regularly and among their main issues are that they are all dealing with the horrors of having suffered from childhood abuse.   Every time I hear of child abuse, it makes me sick in the stomach - that we can have people who breath the same oxygen as we do, that are actually animal-like mongrels!!

I'll send this now and I have no doubt that you're going to be receiving a number of other posters to you.

I do hope you can come back to us as well.

Kind regards

Neil

[gmc]

(continued here)

From the first moment I've seen him, I felt like he could bring me to present time, as I'm always in the past or the future. I felt like getting close to him, being able to open myself in front of him, but I feel like he's seducing me (not always in a sexual way and not crossing ethical boundaries) and then whipping me to reeducate me. That's how I feel like after our last meeting yesterday. I feel him like all other men I met, a female not letting herself being owned and being hunted. He says he's going with the flow I'm dictating. He told me I was a highly emotional person.

Last night I returned from therapy and got into bed and stayed there from 7 pm until I got asleep, going up just to eat and go to toilet. As I usually do when I am having a bad moment, I didn't have a shower. I clean my house, I take care of hygiene before every session, I feel awkward writing this, but this is how it is.

I don't want to find an escape into pills or smoking or series or internet or anything, I want to put myself in a reeducating environment (like rehab, hospital or prison, not a real one, but to build one for myself), but I feel like I do this because he doesn't give me what I want and I feel like that 9 months old child (and I am 23, almost 24) who cries because the parent doesn't let him do what he wants. I feel guilty. But I don't understand! I feel threatened by his temper. The day I see him I'm unable to do anything else. I feel like he won't listen and I hate this battle we're taking.I feel afraid of him, I want to revenge on how he makes me feel, and I don't know what to do. He seems like my only chance. He says this is how he works with people, that he's tough and that if I can't take it, he easily gives up therapies.
I know, I might give some other details and this is not enough, but I really need to read something encouraging and kind and objective from someone, as no only one person (that I am not close to actually and she gave me his contact) know I'm seeing him and I can't talk to anyone about how I feel and about him and I have no support.

PS: I'm from Europe.

[Struggler]

Hi gmc

I am really concerned by your second post.   So someone you know gave you the contact of this psychiatrist?  In other words, you were not referred to him by your GP?  I won't comment more until you write back with more info. 

Struggler

[Struggler]

I read your posts again.  Sorry I misunderstood you.  Someone gave the details of beyond blue and that's why you are here for support.  You've come to the right place. 

Like Neil and White Knight suggested, there are good GPs here who can refer you to an appropriate  psychiatrist.  What you present psychiatrist is doing with you, does not seem normal to me at all. 

Struggler 

[gmc]

Hello, Struggle, hello to others who posted.

I didn't receive his contact from someone from BB. Let me explain. A week before I contacted this person, I was google-ing for help when I had a panic attack. I live in Europe, in a country from the ex-comunist block, doesn't matter where. When I found BB I didn't really care it is from Australia, as long as I wrote to someone a message and she/he responded in a supportive way. The thing is that here people are very reserved and blaming and ashamed of even talking about mental health. Even this guy I'm seeing now told me I shouldn't tell people around about myself, as I don't even have my family support. My dad is sometimes a good guy, but he's been most of my life apart from home and he is very depressed as well, he's 52 and never accepted this. I guess it is hard for me as well to accept this all anxiety and depression and panic attacks and loneliness and you already guess the list I could make. And my mom... he's addicted to him. And she is very scared of him. I also let you guess the reasons.

So no family support on this thing.

And yes, you are right, I was forced to do things I didn't want. As when I was a kid, my dad forced me to eat something I didn't like. And I swallowed it and made me sick, but I couldn't say it...

I was thinking about telling all of these to my psychiatrist, maybe we could work it out, not going to another specialist as he predicted me I would do, as long as I don't admit to myself I am the one I am doing wrong to myself and I am the one I should change something.

I could go on and on with this, but I set up for myself a sort of a purifying isolation these days, but I guess I can't do it as I already started convulsive eating again.

Thank you all for your support. If you don't mind, I'll keep posting here. Maybe I am trying to solve my problems with the specialist I've been to, but as my psychiatrist doesn't let me solve these problems with him, I guess I could at least write about it here.

[geoff]

dear Gmc, thanks for being able to trust us so that we can try and help you.

This post of yours worries me greatly because I can't believe that any psychiatrist could possibly treat any patient in a tough way, and the reason is simple in that a person suffering from any type of depression is fragile, withdrawn and that their life has dramatically changed, and by counselling you in this way would only make you fearful of him, and this happened with a psychiatrist to me, so it only lasted one session.

It would also disencourage you to mention any secrets or private thoughts to him because he would only throw it back to you in a meanful way, so I would suggest to you to dump this fellow and as Neil has mentioned.

I can't believe that anybody could work this way, it's just not on.

There are a number of people here that have had childhood abuse, and what these creeps have done is disgusting, and it has left a stain on them for up to 50 years or even more later on in their life because it has been hidden, too scared to mention it, too embarrassed or no one that they could trust to disclose their story to, which I can understand, however as young girls they would have been too frightened for any consequences.

This unlawful act has to be addressed and the best way is to educate children at school, and all these schools are lacking so much in what SHOULD be taught.

We would really love you to continue posting here. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Dear gmc

Thanx for providing your 2nd post - it obviously took a little while to get through before we could all see it.

I am with Struggler on this one - I'm shaking my head with some of the weird (actually awful) suggestions that this psychiatrist is asking (or seemingly, telling) of you.

Tell him, you're NOT just people, tell him you're a decent human being, who should be treated as such.  Therefore, you don't get the choice to give up on me - but tell him, I'm cancelling any further sessions with you.  We're finished - goodbye.

I'd either then get up and walk out the door (actually no, I'd then hang up the phone) - because that way it won't cost you to have that 40 second interchange with him.

From everything you've written gmc, he's not helping you one bit.  At times I even read it that he was the perpetrator of the childhood abuse.

I do hope you can post back soon.

Neil